ELIM CIVOLUDAR'S MEMOIRS - EMOTIONAL SEAS

We offer guidance to others as if we hold all the answers to life's challenges, yet when darkness clouds our own path, and fear grips us tightly, we find ourselves in a corner, our own advice forgotten.

Isn't it remarkable how perspectives shift when faced with the situations we once advised others on? Everything feels different, nothing quite as we hoped, and we find ourselves navigating life's labyrinth, grappling with uncertainties we thought we knew...

Sound familiar? Oh, indeed.

A friend goes through a breakup, and it feels like the world's end to them. But fear not. I am here—a beacon of hope, armed with the power to rescue. I know precisely how to lift their spirits, what words to offer solace, and how to reignite their zest for life because I have been there, too. I have felt the same heartache, the same despair. I'm not just their superhero but their fellow traveler on this painful journey.

When I found myself in the same predicament, suddenly, I was on the Titanic, plunging into the depths of despair, drowning in self-pity. Where did that superhero vanish to? Why? Do my powers only work outwardly? Are my own words not potent for me? They hold truth, yet who listens to himself in such moments?

Every fear draws forth anguish and every ache births tears. Through weeping, truth emerges, for lies do not dwell in tears. We relish being saviors, enjoying the notion of leaving a lasting impact.

Seize the day! For it may be your last.

I know how to remind myself amidst the desolation of the counsel I've imparted to others in similar straits, but it doesn't always suffice. Then, my superhero—a friend—appears. Echoing the very sentiments, I tell myself they suddenly attain significance. They become believable, as though we require external validation of our inner monologues to find credence. Even superheroes, it seems, require rescue at times.

It strikes me that we're akin to voyagers on tumultuous seas in moments of hurt, sorrow, and despair. Battling waves intent on engulfing us, winds eager to whisk us away, fears longing to ensnare us—all with one aim: to rediscover ourselves, to reclaim our superhero mantle. To find our way home. And in this journey, we find strength we never knew we had and learn to be our own superheroes.

At what juncture shall fortune favor me to finally lead me home?

We're superheroes at that moment when we aid another—be it through lending an ear or extending a hand. We all need a savior.

<<>>

“…I needed you to weep, to cleanse my pain with your tears; I needed you to usher in a rebirth; in you, I found a path and left my imprint upon it; you guided me toward emancipation. I yearned for you so desperately that warmth flushed my cheeks. For I was already too frail from anguish. I needed you, and you came, soothing wounds with your touch. Revealing a world concealed beneath the skin. I needed you, but no longer, for I have replaced necessity with love. This love for the world propels me now. Thoughts of you bring smiles, and love imbues them with newfound radiance. Nothing shall wrest it away.

It has been so long since you have been by my side. Those days have slipped away, leaving only a few flashbacks as a reminder of your presence. And it's been ages since I've been with you, years passing by, with just a few tunes on the radio to trigger memories.

Separated—that is what we are now. I still dwell in solitude, while who knows where you are? Do you ever think of me? Do you shed tears, too?

Separated—this is our reality. Yet, sometimes, memories intertwine our paths. I often ponder what might have been had we not parted.

Would he still hold you close under the summer stars? Your azure eyes used to drive me wild. Would you still love me as fervently as you once did? Would our love endure, or would you find solace in another's arms?

Separated—this is our fate. I am alone, and you're with him. Will you ever love him as deeply as you loved me? I will never know.

Separated—this is where we stand. There is no turning back. But if we could, would you want to? Do you ever wonder?

You linger in my heart as if you never left. In the darkness, you're the only beacon, baby. You don't realize how much you mean to me now, even more than before. Your smile lights up my world, warming my soul. And every glance of yours.

Thoughts of you, of us, whirl through my mind. Sometimes, in the stillness of the night, they remind me that you're now with someone else, that you're not alone. How painful these thoughts are, mingling tears with sweat. It hurts knowing someone else holds you now, forever out of my reach. I cast roses into the mud.

But one day, I will love another without shedding tears. The memories of you will fade, and happiness will find me again. I eagerly await those brighter days, for these are too dreary. Those happy days alone keep my heart beating. Living on and hoping. And I promise you, dear reader, that you will find that same hope and happiness one day. Healing is possible, even when it feels impossible…”

<<>>

It seems love can't survive separation, after all. It's not difficult that we're no longer together, but it's challenging to erase everything I feel for her, especially when there are so many emotions. How does one heal a broken heart?

You'd think I'd have the answer, having experienced heartbreak several times, but I do not. Unfortunately, there's no magic formula to overcome loss overnight. It's a lengthy and painful journey during which you need as few prying questions and sympathetic remarks as possible.

Thankfully, I find solace in being a writer and penning books. Immersing myself in writing distracts me from dwelling on the pain. Some may see it as escapism, but for me, it's a coping mechanism that truly helps. While some drown their sorrows in alcohol or break things, I pour my emotions into writing books. We all find our own ways to let off steam.

It's easier for me to process it this way, and when it's written down, it feels more real. After so much searching, I thought I had finally found my soulmate, but it seems I was careless again, and now I'm paying the price. I don't regret anything between us, and I would go through it all again – I suppose that's what love does to you.

Yet here I am. Free once more, and for the first time, I'm not celebrating it. I used to boast about my love for freedom (like Mel Gibson in Braveheart), and now I'd trade all my freedom to have her back.

But you can't force someone to love you how you love them. All you can do is stand beside them and hope they feel the same. And you should cherish every moment because you never know when it might all vanish.

The post-breakup emotions are the worst. Especially when you realize how much someone means to you once they're no longer by your side.

Is it better to leave someone or be left by them?

Honestly, I think it hurts just the same on both ends – either way, it's not painless. Considering the weight in my heart, it seems I have a long road to healing, but I'm trying to focus on the positive – I'm back on the market.

Secondhand goods may be damaged but still usable. If I keep this up, I may become a superhero. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and considering how much I've endured, I should be like the Hulk by now (except when I'm angry, of course).

Farewell to old loves and greetings to new ones. That's how I (perhaps deluding myself, but okay) will bid farewell to love and turn my gaze in another direction (away from the blinding sun).