112 comments

Fantasy

"Freya! Freya, where are you going?" My older sister, Heaven called out as she chased after me. We were next to some very large bushes and once you went through them, you'd be in one of the human villages.

It was the middle of the night when I was sneaking out to it, I thought that she was a heavy sleeper. Why was she even awake? Did I make some noises when I was getting up to leave earlier?

"I'm...just going for a walk Heaven. Maybe you should just go back to sleep or something?" I suggested with a nervous smile. Maybe she would buy this, like I said, it's around midnight she's probably really tired.

My sister just seemed to stare at me in silence before she yawned with her tail twitching a bit, she then headed back to where our parent's were. Good. Maybe in the morning, she would think this was all a dream.

I made sure that no one else was around or watching me, then once that was done, I went through the bushes. It was great to be back here, I hadn't visited in over a month.

I ran over to a decently sized house and began to scratch on the front door. It had been over a month, would they all even remember me? I wonder if they've even missed me or not during that time.

Then there was the waiting. It wasn't just for today, almost every time I would visit, I was always waiting. Sometimes for a few minutes, sometimes for over thirty minutes, sometimes for long hours.

Though they always let me in. They never really rejected me and left me out here, they've always let me inside with them, even on the first day. They never really knew me back then I was just a little random Fox.

"Hey, I think it's her!" I heard a female voice say from the other side of the door. Yes! It looks like some of them were there, good thing they didn't move or anything. I wonder how that would go if it was someone else..

I back up and watch as the door swings open, out comes two kids, a boy and a girl. Brother and Sister. I don't know the kid's names though, I was never able to learn them.

The sister smiled and then picked me up, she really liked me. Ever since I first came here actually. "Come on, why don't we go and make her some food? We have plenty" she told her older brother.

The brother took hold of me and as we all got inside the house, he set me on the soft carpet. They seemed excited. They were waiting for something. "Is she gonna do it?" I heard the sister say.

Oh, right! A orange aura began to surround me and they watched as I began to transform. Once I turned into my human version I could hear the sister say, "That's still so amazing!" then giggle.

"So Freya, what do you want to eat this time? we have all the food that you seem to like from the past visits." the brother asked me. I must have been visiting the two of them a lot, though I don't know how much.

"Do ya got any tuna?"

"Yep of course we do, hold on i'll go get you some."

The brother and the sister then walked away through a door that must lead into the kitchen. They left me alone in the living room. It was really big, even when I was a human.

Apparently, I was the only one in my family to be able to do this. Mother had told me that it must have started a long time ago with someone else, though we don't know who. We haven't really looked too far into the whole thing.

Though when me and my sister were much younger, I remember using this strange power to go and do fun things. Heaven had once suggested to go and find some interesting food and bring it back. I did, it was great.

Though somehow, Heaven and the rest of my family don't know about any of this. Though it was a close call earlier when Heaven saw me a bit ago. How would I explain any of this? She wouldn't understand.

The brother and sister are like my family- my OTHER family at least, I'm not sure if they'd like this or not. The least they could probably do though is just tell me "Stop seeing them, don't you know what could happen?"

There was a loud bang at the door.

There was a little hole thing (I never learned the name of it, we don't have any, Mother never told me) on the door, so I looked through it. Oh no.

Mother always told me about these kinds of people. They would go after things, Things like me. That man was probably going to try and kill me! "What's going on in here??" I then hear the sister say.

She and her brother seemed to catch on quickly actually, I've told them about the people before. Wait, why haven't I even asked them they're names??

The man bursts through the door and walks over to the three of us, He seems angry and tired. "Uh...what could we help you with sir?" the sister asked the man. I'm so gonna die. I lived a short but good life I guess.

Wait- no! This isn't going to end like this, I'm not going to die today. I wanna die somewhere in the distant future. "I know you have the creature with you...hand it to me!" The man pointed at me.

"What? Come on dude, what creature do you mean? It's just my sister and her friend Freya." The brother insisted with a small innocent smile. Suddenly, while I looked around, I realized that the sister was nowhere to be seen.

The man began to approach me while he pushed the brother to the side of the room. That's when I saw the sister starting to come up behind him, she had a large frying pan.

Luckily, before he could get to me, the sister hit the man hard in the back of the head with the frying pan. We watched as he collapsed onto the ground with a few weapons. Was he planning on hurting me??

"Uh...thanks for saving me...but we just knocked a dude out. What do we even do with him?" I then spoke to the sister. Did we just need to keep him here for a while? do we take him back to his place, wherever that was?

The sister stared at her brother as he stared back for a few seconds, then we were all just staring at each other in silence. This had never even happened before, what WOULD you do when this happens? "I...have no idea."

This probably wasn't a good story, though let's see what you all think about it ^^ this story was also for "Fox Creeper"

October 21, 2020 03:32

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112 comments

Rayhan Hidayat
19:49 Oct 22, 2020

Hey B.W., this was an awesome read! Here’s the things that I liked: >The premise of a shapeshifting fox begging for food from humans. It’s cute. >The naivete of the narrator, such as when she doesn’t know the term for what apparently is a keyhole. It makes sense. >The fact that you dedicated this to a friend. That’s sweet of you ☺️ And here’s the things that in my humble opinion could be improved: >Concision. Whenever you can, get the idea across with as little words as possible. For example: “made sure that no one else was aro...

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B. W.
19:53 Oct 22, 2020

well actually it's not a keyhole, i honestly forgot the name of the thing but its the little glass thing on some doors you can look through, sometimes they're at hotels. Though she still doesn't know what that and a few other things are. Yep, I'm also going to be making some other stories for more friends ^^ maybe you'll be one to have a story as well at some point. Though i'm glad you liked it ^^ i hope you'll check out more of my stories, if ya do remember to leave feedback as well :)

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Rayhan Hidayat
20:03 Oct 22, 2020

Oh haha my bad. I believe “peephole” is the word you’re looking for 😉 Oh and I’d be very flattered if I got a story dedicated to me!

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B. W.
20:05 Oct 22, 2020

Yeah, that's the word ^^ i didn't wanna look it up because i didn't know what to even ask at the time and it would make sense that she didn't know what it was, so i just went with it. How would ya want your character to act whenever i do give ya a story?

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Rayhan Hidayat
20:10 Oct 22, 2020

Oh please make me the bad guy. I don’t care what my personality is, just make me eat Pasta Puttanesca at some point in the story. And feel free to look through my bio for inspiration haha

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B. W.
20:21 Oct 22, 2020

I could do that ^^

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Dalyane Deblois
16:19 Oct 21, 2020

Another great story Blair! You always have new ideas, so much imagination! Good job!:)

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B. W.
16:21 Oct 21, 2020

Oh, thanks ^^ I kinda made this at like 11 at night or something so i thought it wouldn't be that great or something. You could still just call me B as well, remember this is just a Halloween name and i'm changing it soon ^^

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Dalyane Deblois
17:07 Oct 21, 2020

Great B!:) Yeah, when inspiration strikes it isn't always at the best moment! Just wrote a story as well this morning... during my classes. I just had to right it before my idea faded! You managed it very well although it was late at night!

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Nayab Ahmar
03:53 Oct 23, 2020

Hey B!! Hope you've been well! Dropped by to see how you're doing and read a story! This is a great story btw, I really liked it!! Creative as always! P.S my other article just got published, I posted the link in my bio :))

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B. W.
03:54 Oct 23, 2020

I still miss ya, will you ever be on a lot again? Your just on here for like a day or even smaller and then your gone for a long time. Though thanks, i'm glad you at least liked the story ^^

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Nayab Ahmar
03:58 Oct 23, 2020

I miss u too :(( Yeahhh I go a lot but its cuz uni is super tough, I'm always swamped with work, esp rn I hv midterm exams coming up. But I'll be more active once uni finishes. And no prob hehe :))

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B. W.
03:59 Oct 23, 2020

well when does Uni finish?

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Nayab Ahmar
04:01 Oct 23, 2020

early next year oof

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B. W.
04:02 Oct 23, 2020

dang it

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19:40 Oct 21, 2020

Wow, Blair! You are such a talented writer! Wonderful job! There were a few grammatical errors I saw that I'd thought I'd let you know about: I'm...just going for a walk Heaven. - add a comma after 'walk' My sister just seemed to stare at me in silence before she yawned with her tail twitching a bit, she then headed back to where our parent's were. - change 'parent's' to 'parents' I back up and watch as the door swings open, out comes two kids, a boy and a girl. - add a comma after 'boy' A orange aura began to surround me and th...

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B. W.
19:46 Oct 21, 2020

I'll try to fix all of this real soon, you think i'm a talented writer? and thanks, i'm glad you liked the story ^^

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19:49 Oct 21, 2020

Okay! And yes, of course! And I love your rating systems for stories, I've seen that you've read stories all over the place! I think it's really nice that you like to help other writers out. ;) Happy writing! - Felicity

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B. W.
19:59 Oct 21, 2020

Thanks ^^

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Aafia Hanya
17:43 Oct 21, 2020

lol.... ingenious..... nice story, amazing plot.

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B. W.
17:48 Oct 21, 2020

thanks, i'm glad you liked it ^^

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C.J 🤍
16:17 Oct 21, 2020

I loved this story!!!!!!!!!!!!good job !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼😊 I liked how freya’s friend knocked out the dude with a frying pan!

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B. W.
16:21 Oct 21, 2020

Thank's, i'm glad you liked it ^^ did you have a favorite part or was it when her friend knocked him out with the frying pan?

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C.J 🤍
16:22 Oct 21, 2020

The frying pan. And honestly I loved it all !

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C.J 🤍
16:28 Oct 21, 2020

Remember your story ( reunion,no thanks) are you going to do part 2 ?

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C.J 🤍
18:00 Oct 21, 2020

Hiya ^^

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C.J 🤍
19:10 Oct 21, 2020

What is writers block,and why do you get it ?

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Orenda .
13:12 Oct 21, 2020

aye, this story was awesome! Not kidding! You've got a super good plot in hand and it's intriguing. I got some mistakes you can edit real quick. ~"then" is superfluous, so I'd suggest not using it frequently. Use it only when it's very necessary. We know something's happening after something, like a consecutive scene, so don't use it then, lol. (I hope this is making sense lmao) ~i noticed you have some areas where you haven't capitalised the first letter after a punctuation mark ("?" mainly) ~you missed out on some punctuation ma...

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B. W.
14:21 Oct 21, 2020

I'm not even sure if it's like this in general because a lot of my stories are like this or because i wrote it at like 10 at night. Though i'll still go and try to fix all the stuff real soon ^^

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Orenda .
14:43 Oct 21, 2020

yupp, they're reallyy minor errors.

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B. W.
14:50 Oct 21, 2020

did you possibly have a favorite part though?

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Orenda .
14:54 Oct 21, 2020

umm, not really

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16:58 Dec 14, 2020

Our first story is out!

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B. W.
18:28 Dec 14, 2020

ll look at it later.

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22:37 Dec 16, 2020

Ok

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Maria Blackman
04:41 Oct 29, 2020

Hi Blair, I got an email from Reedsy suggesting that we'd be a good match for a critique circle. I haven't been submitting stories here for very long (I have done only two so far!) so this is all new to me. If you'd like me to critique your story, let me know. Or you can have a read of mine.

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B. W.
04:43 Oct 29, 2020

You can just call me B, Blair Witch is a Halloween name and ill change it to my regular thing real soon ^^ I don't see why not though, you could go check out some of my stories and do critique and then soon ill do the same for you ^^

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Kylie Rudolf
20:58 Oct 26, 2020

I love all the celestial/divine references!

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B. W.
21:01 Oct 26, 2020

thanks :)

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22:13 Oct 24, 2020

Hi!! It was a very cute story I must say and a clever twist to the prompt about two family hiding their secrets (+ plus freya from her family). Though there are a few grammatical errors (nothing that can be fixed) but it is understandable considering you wrote it late at night. Great job!

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B. W.
22:19 Oct 24, 2020

Thanks, i'm glad you liked it ^^ did you have a favorite part or was it the twist thing?

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22:24 Oct 24, 2020

Well, the ending where the three of them share the "what now" moment was definitely my fav!

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B. W.
22:26 Oct 24, 2020

could ya check out some of my other stories and still leave some feedback?

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Claire Lewis
17:36 Oct 24, 2020

Hi B! This story is so creative and entertaining! You have a real talent for taking imaginative spins on the prompts, and I'm really enjoying seeing what you come up with. My favorite thing about this story is how you created the idea of the narrator having two families, so we were left to wonder which family would be "hiding secrets." It added a lot of tension and intrigue to your story! I'm seeing a few people comment saying this story could use a bit more description and scene setting. One trick I like to use for this is to imagin...

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B. W.
17:51 Oct 24, 2020

I have NO idea on how to be descriptive though, I've tried to be but i sucked at it. I asked Charles for advice at some point but the way he did it, i won't be able to do it like that either :/

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Claire Lewis
18:21 Oct 24, 2020

Hi B, never say never! I used to suck at it too (and a lot of times I still do) but the more you try and practice the better you get! You don't have to try anything in your stories until you're comfortable, but maybe you could try picking one object a day (simple things like a mug or a pen) and just writing a sentence or two about what they look like or feel like. Don't worry about if it's good writing or not--it's just practice and nobody has to see it! Personally, I'm not super great at characterization and that's something I'm working o...

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B. W.
18:24 Oct 24, 2020

I'm actually working on a new story at the moment

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Claire Lewis
21:21 Oct 24, 2020

That's great! Looking forward to reading it 😊

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B. W.
21:25 Oct 24, 2020

its out ^^ check out "A strange night" and leave some feedback

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Echo Sundar
17:27 Oct 24, 2020

This story is really great! I loved the ending, it was hilarious!

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B. W.
17:29 Oct 24, 2020

thanks i'm glad you liked it ^^ did you have a favorite part or was it the ending?

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Echo Sundar
17:33 Oct 24, 2020

All of it was amazing and very short and sweet story but I loved the ending the best, frying pans make the best weapons

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B. W.
17:49 Oct 24, 2020

:)

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03:58 Oct 24, 2020

Ooh! another awesome story. I like the idea behind it. One thing though, maybe you could try to add some more descriptions and adjectives in your next story, that would really take it to the next level.

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B. W.
04:02 Oct 24, 2020

thanks, i'm glad you liked the story ^^ i know i still have to try and work with this stuff, i'll get better with it i hope. did ya have a favorite part?

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Yolanda Wu
22:15 Oct 23, 2020

Wonderful story, B! I was engrossed the entire time. It was great to see the interactions between Freya and her second family. I thought this story flowed really well too, and I love the bit at the end where the siblings protect Freya from being hurt by the man, that was really sweet. Amazing work! Also, I love the Halloween themed name!

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B. W.
22:19 Oct 23, 2020

Thanks, i'm glad you liked the story and my halloween name ^^ did you have a favorite part or was it the part of the siblings protecting her?

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Yolanda Wu
22:21 Oct 23, 2020

Yeah I would say the siblings protecting her was my favourite part. :)

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B. W.
22:29 Oct 23, 2020

alright ^^

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I. F.
21:47 Oct 23, 2020

The story is great, but I think you could work on flow and language. Just a few places where adding a coma would make a sentence easier to read, or using descriptive words, similes and metaphors. You manage to come up with such interesting names time after time, I don't know how you do it!

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B. W.
22:02 Oct 23, 2020

I dunno how I get these interesting names either, It just kinda happens i guess :/ I REALLY don't know how to be descriptive though, and whenever i at least try to be it just kinda sucks. would you maybe want a part 2 or something?

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I. F.
22:56 Oct 23, 2020

Sure, if you get a good idea for it I'd love to see part 2.

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B. W.
22:58 Oct 23, 2020

Alright, i could probably do it ^^

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Nunya Business
03:31 Oct 23, 2020

Great job

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B. W.
03:34 Oct 23, 2020

thanks, you have a favorite part?

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C.J 🤍
16:02 Oct 22, 2020

How are you ?

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B. W.
16:06 Oct 22, 2020

I'm good ^^

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C.J 🤍
16:08 Oct 22, 2020

Are you going to make Freya part 2 so i know what happens

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B. W.
16:18 Oct 22, 2020

yeah

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C.J 🤍
16:23 Oct 22, 2020

Yay !!!

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B. W.
16:28 Oct 22, 2020

it'll probably take a while though

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Charles Stucker
05:04 Oct 22, 2020

You seem to have become pretty good at setting up tension in a story. Now let's try to add the next step- using all five senses. Sight and sound are straightforward. What do you see and hear. See- buildings, shrubs, door, people. Hear- dialogue. Smell- foxes have better senses of smell than people. You should play this up. Name half a dozen things that have a strong aroma. Have the fox comment on those with his internal dialogue. Then name something with no discernible scent and have the fox say something like, "There it was, the oily sm...

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B. W.
15:03 Oct 22, 2020

well alright, i could do that ^^

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Raymond Kelly
19:47 Oct 21, 2020

I like the imagination of the story! The transformative power being covered up is a good plot. I would have liked better exploration of the relationship between the main character and their animal family, but the final confrontation is good, and creates something you could build off of. God job!

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B. W.
19:59 Oct 21, 2020

Thanks, i'm glad that you liked it ^^

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