New Beginning

On cloudless days I like to lay outside and gaze thoughtfully into the endless blue dome above me. As a child, I used to play outside for hours, enjoying the sunlight, looking for bugs, and climbing trees along with other such things. I remember my years of adolescence, so fresh and innocent. I was just like any other kid, playful without a care in the world. My father used to tell me that I was his sunshine. As I grew, I noticed myself falling deeper and deeper into the strong currents of despondency. My thoughts evolved from joyful euphoria to despair and disconsolation.

It's raining outside and I am staring out the window wondering what the younger me would have done. I probably would have found something creative to do or gone outside to jump in puddles and make mud pies. But now all I want to do is curl up somewhere and cry. Why don't I have the drive to do anything anymore? I just want to be happy, but that seems impossible for some unfathomable reason. What did I do wrong? I miss the times when I was happy. I miss the times when I would go about my life without a care in the world. I miss the old tire swing that I would spin around on. I miss laughing every time I mess something up. I miss my father.

I don't like being alone. It makes me feel like I have been left

behind. I know that I should be getting out and socializing, but I can't. I am a failure. I left myself behind. Who would want to talk with me? Somehow, I manage to drag myself off of the bed and traipse into the bathroom. I hear the hum of the light as I flick the switch. I look into the mirror. Take a long hard look at yourself. Who do you think you are? The vexatious voice in my head taunted me. Do you really think that you will ever be enough for anyone? You’re a failure. Trash. A write-off. I turn the faucet on and splash the freezing water on my face. “Stop!” I say aloud. “Shut up! Shut up!” tears suddenly start running down my face. I yank the towel off of the rack and

dry my face. The tears will not stop, and I don’t want them to. I want to cry until I drown in my tears. Nobody will care. Will they? There is nobody in this world that enjoys my presence anymore. Surely there must be someone out there. Is anybody ever truly alone?

         I sit on the couch staring at the wall. What have I been doing with my life? I have only been sitting around and wasting time. I should be out in the world. I should be making friends. Since when have I had this attitude? What exactly has been going on inside my head? Perhaps I have been blinded by my negativity. I’ve had premonitions about what might happen if I re-connect with old friends. Will they accept me? What if I have changed, but only other people can notice? What will happen if I contact someone? I feel hot tears in my eyes again. I only want to be accepted. I’m like a wad of clay. In the start, I was smooth, normal, and ready. But as time passed, I have been shaped by my own hands. I have made something out of myself that I never intended to. What have I done? I ask myself. So many questions flash through my head. I can feel the tears on my face again, but I don’t care enough to wipe them off. My light sobbing steadily becomes more intense. I feel the emotion throughout my whole entire body. I feel all of the compressed feelings that have been marinating inside of me for all these years suddenly pour out of me.

I cry until my head hurts. I hear sobs filled with lament in the distance, but I soon realize that those loud wails are coming from me. From deep inside of me. From my heart. Images from my past flash through my mind like lightning; staying for a split second before another comes slashing through my mind. I cover my ears with my hands because there is a loud ringing sound coming from somewhere. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I hate feeling like this. “I hate it!” I exclaim. My voice sounds hoarse. That is all I want to say. That is the only thing I can say. “I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!” I say it until my throat hurts. I say it until I am certain that everybody in this world can feel my pain, loneliness, despair, and insecurity. But suddenly I open my eyes because there is a calming presence near me. I feel sudden solitude that I have never felt before. I tilt my head up towards the glorious warmth I feel radiating from him. My father kneels in front of me. My crying soothes again into a light sob. “Dad…” My father is the only thing I could ever want right now. My father is the only thing I could ever need. I suddenly feel like I am no longer lost.

         The heavy fog in my head clears up. I feel lighter. I always feel lighter after I cry, but this time it stays. Usually, I would fill right back up with sorrow and gloominess. Usually, I would keep crying until I fall asleep. But this time it is not the usual. This time I feel better. My father kneels in front of me. I reach out to touch him, to feel the coarseness of his jaw, to run my fingers over the face that has been embedded into my mind. I feel his warm touch on my cheek, drying my traitor tears. I do not want to cry anymore. I do not want to feel useless anymore. I just want to sit and bask in his warmth. His sturdy arms cradle me as if I were a child. I stare into his familiar green eyes. “I will never give up on you.” I hear his deep, smooth voice. It sounds like it is coming from somewhere far in the distance, echoing inside of my mind. “I will never leave you.” He says.

These twelve words make me realize something that I feel has been there underneath one thin layer of ice. I only needed someone to come and thaw it out for me. I only needed someone special to me. I needed someone who loves me and cares for me. My eyes feel heavier than wet sheets. I don’t want him to leave me. I don’t want this to end. I want to lay here in his arms and be comforted by his words, his secure arms, and his warmth. The last thing I feel is his coarse fingers smoothing my hair. I hear his voice, though it is so quiet I swear I am imagining it. I drift into a deep and peaceful sleep with the warmth of his touch lingering in my heart, on my face, and in my soul.

I wake up the next morning feeling energized and free. I no longer feel like I am trapped in my own cramped cage. I get up and open the curtains on my window. The bright sunlight hurts my eyes, but in a way that feels good. In a way that tells me that everything is going to be alright. I now believe that this is true. I take a shower and put on some clothes that I haven’t bothered to take out of the back of the closet in years. I turn my cell phone on and find a number from an old friend. Hi Cameron, I was wondering if you would like to have a cup of coffee with me this morning. We could catch up. I texted. He read the message and I saw the bubbles notifying me that he is typing. At the same time, bubbles float around in my stomach. I feel an adrenaline rush as the message appears: Sounds good! What time? It will be great to catch up with you. It’s been so long. I replied with the time and place and prepared myself to begin a new future.