The Eyes of Thatsocommon (A tribute to the Three Stooges)

TW: Sexual Inuendo

Three brothers, Dale, Dayle, and Daile just got themselves some swanky jobs as night watchmen at the Bosstown Metropolitan Museum. They were mighty proud of themselves, strutting around in their navy-blue uniforms with their guts sucked in and their chests puffed out, saluting one another like they were soldiers.

Their boss, Mr. O’Brothers comes up behind them, “Alright, dummies,” he yells, startling the guys. Dayle and Daile freak out and run into each other. Dayle turns and jumps into Dale’s arms. Daile turns to Mr. O’Brothers and salutes. Dale drops Dayle and salutes. Dayle pops up off the ground and salutes, just like his brothers.

“At ease, you imbeciles. You’re security guards, not soldiers,” Mr. O’Brothers hollers. Dayle elbows Dale in the ribs. Dale swats Dayle with his uniform cap. Daile falls out of line and hisses like a cat at them.

“Gentlemen, please,” Mr. O’Brothers screams, red in the face. “It is imperative that you keep this facility locked up tight and under keen observation tonight. The notorious art thieves Eileen Dover & Dick Cummings have been seen in the area. Use caution gentleman. They are a wily pair. They are most certainly going to come for The Eyes of Thatsocommon, the priceless sapphire eyes in the bust of the Egyptian Pharao Thatsocommon."

“We’re on it boss,” the three men say together with a salute. Mr. O’Brothers clenches his teeth and balls up his fists as his shoulders tighten to his ears and his face turns red. He turns and walks away like he forgot to remove the cardboard from his underpants.

(*)

Daile plays jacks and Dayle plays hopscotch at the top of the stairs where the front entrance is located while Dale is on rounds. It’s late and the museum is quiet. The sounds of their games echo through the empty hall. The thick walls muffle the sound of thunder outside, but occasionally they catch a glimpse of the lightning through the glass doors down below. As they play, a knock, more like a pounding, comes from the door below. The guys look down and see a beautiful woman in a trench coat and hat standing at the door begging to be let in.

Dayle climbs over Daile, who wrestles his way back on top of Dayle before they both go rolling down the stairs. The woman seems concerned at first but fakes a smile and sighs relief as both pop up, simultaneously, with big goofy grins and stupid waves.

The woman points to the locking mechanism on the door. With a pathetic face, she mouths for them to let her in as she hugs herself to let them know she is cold.

Dayle cracks open the door. “Gee, lady, we’re not supposed to let anyone in.”

“Please,” begs the lady. “I’m cold and wet. What’s a little young thing like me going to do against such big strong fellows such as yourselves?”

Dayle looks at Daile who is swaying back and forth blushing. “Let her in, Dayle. A pretty flower like her isn’t going to hurt no one.”

“Alright, miss, come on in. But you can’t touch anything,” Dayle says, as she walks past him, taking off her coat and hat.

 She has on a low-cut skintight dress that stops at the upper thighs. It shows off all her womanly attributes and is paired with thigh-high boots. The guys get lost in those attributes with their eyes wide and their mouths open.

“Where can I place my coat,” She asks.

“Come in a, come in a, come in a,” Daile struggles to find the words as he stares at the lady’s breast. Dayle slaps him across the back of the head. “Follow us,” Daile says, finally making eye contact with the lady.

Dayle and Daile each take an arm, escorting her to the security office. On the way there, they run into Dale. “What’s the meaning of this you nincompoops? We’re not supposed to let anyone in here.”

“They were just letting little old me out of the rain,” the lady says, brushing her hand along his cheek. Dale exhales like he’s breathing fire, like after eating the world’s hottest pepper. “Are you saying I need to leave?”

“Gosh. I guess not ma’am. What kind of men would we be to leave you outside on a night like this,” Dale says as he sways and blushes. “Let’s go put your stuff in the office,” he says, waving an arm in that direction. “Say, babycakes, you got a name? I’m Dale, these are my brother’s Dayle and Daile.”

“That’ll be easy to remember. I’m Mona Knightly.” All three exhale like they’re breathing fire.

They get in the security office and Mona hangs up her hat and coat. “Boy, look at all the monitors. I bet you guys see everything from here. What’s that there?”

“That’s the Thatsocommon display. That’s where The Eyes of Thatsocommon are located. They’re a big deal. Priceless they say,” says Daile all proud, trying to impress the lady with a little knowledge.

“Quiet nitwit,” Dale says as he bonks Daile on the head, “she doesn’t need to know that.”

“Don’t be silly, boys. I was just curious. I don’t know much about art, but some of it’s pretty. Let me see you guys in action in front of all these screens.”

Dayle hops in the center chair. Dale pulls him up by the hair and guides him to the left seat and plops him in that chair right before Daile can sit down. Daile lands in Dayle’s lap and turns and hisses at his brother, before jumping over to the empty seat. The guys start pressing buttons and throwing levers, having no idea what they are doing, just trying to impress Mona.

Mona grabs a lead pipe that was leaning in the corner. From left to right she hits them over the head. Ding, ding, dong. She pushes their chairs together and ties them up. She makes her way to the loading dock and opens the door. A man walks in carrying a gun.

“It took you long enough, Eileen.”

“Sorry, Dick. I went as fast as I could. The Eyes of Thatsocommon are on the second floor. Let’s go.”

“What about security?”

“They’re a little tied up right now.”

(Downstairs in the security office.)

Eeeerrrpttthhh.

“Oh, oh god, Daile, did you fart?”

“I don’t know, Dale, I was sleeping?”

“Ugh, it smells like corned beef hash and balloons in here. What did you eat,” asks Dayle.

“Never mind that. The dame played us. We got to get out of here and stop her from taking The Eyes of Thatsocommon,” Dale says. “Look for something sharp.”

(Upstairs)

“Look at them, Dick, aren’t they gorgeous?”

“Yes, they’ll be even prettier once they’re out of that ugly clay bust,” Dick says as he raises the bust over his head to smash it.

Dick pauses when the elevator dings. The door opens and Dale, Dayle, and Daile, still tied together in their chairs, come spinning out of the elevator straight for them. Before Dick can shoot, the guys crash into him and the bust of Thatsocommon lands in Daile’s lap. They spin their way towards the elevator. Eileen cuts them off and kicks them back into the room. They bounce off a wall, into another wall, off of dick, and crash into the whole Thatsocommon display. The guys get knocked over and the bust flies into the air. It crashes into pieces at Dick's feet.

"Thanks, Chumps," Dick says, and he and Eileen disappeared into the elevator with the sapphires.

The ropes had come loose off the guys. Dayle finds Dick’s gun. Twirling it around, it goes off and shoots Dales hat off. Dayle fumbles the gun and Dale swipes it away. Dale raises a backhand, “Why I oughta.”

The guys catch up with Dick and Eileen and fire a warning shot that bounces off the wall and takes off both their hats. Eileen Dover & Dick Cummings surrender. They are tied up in the security office and the cops are called. While the guys wait for the cops, Dale and Dayle clean up the Thatsocommon display. Daile superglues the bust back together.

That morning, Mr. O’Brothers comes in furious. He stands over the guys with his hands on his hips. “Did you think I wouldn’t notice,” he huffs.

“We were hoping you wouldn’t,” says Dale.

“Playing hopscotch while on the clock! You’re fired! Get out of here,” Mr. O’Brothers yells as he chases Dale, Dayle, and Daile from the building with their arms failing.