Matt P

Author on Reedsy Prompts since Sep, 2020

Stories (8)

8 Stories

635 karma pts

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“2 Milky Bros.” by Matt P

"You know milk is more hydrating than water.""Says who?""Me you dusty skank!” Buster slid across a warm tall glass of milk, with not a drop spilled. Shane made a “Not Bad,” face. "I can't even call you a skank because you don't even fuck." Their noses were having a standoff. Aimed like birds in a competitive mating dance. Shane and Buster’s hate gaslit a relationship that was never over or pleasant or honest, but always eternal and loyal. When their birth father got to...

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“"Just let Go Jack." ” by Matt P

Submitted to Contest #185

I came back, because I'm better. I don't know how to let go of Reedsy.Reedsy doesn’t want you to know, but they kidnaped me.They don’t want you to know their secrets.I’ve seen their break room fridge. Big enough to fit 102 Dalmatian pups. It's nothing but caviar, expresso, crème brule. champagne,expresso champagne,skim breast milk coffee creamer,gluten free breast milk filled in camelbak go bags (you can purchase the backpack separately at the Reedsy...

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“The Tuck Rule.” by Matt P

Submitted to Contest #145

The tuck rule in football is what gave Tom Brady a Super Bowl, but in drag, it's the only place your shla-ma-lama-ding-dong can go.Not a plot twist, but more so a shaft turn and tuck-under.Not a horseradish but your baby apple.Your banana-nut stuffing.A chef's secret stirring stick.An early sunrise surprise.A pope's only friend. --Your dick--, I'm talking about your dick.We all get a dick when we're aggressive, call it the dirty T or testosterone crazies, not Tuscon A...

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“Always Thinking of You. ” by Matt P

Submitted to Contest #126

There's so much I need to teach you, son. Reptiles are taking over more than just the insurance game, the world will yield once Geico takes over Progressive, then Allstate, then the banks, then the world. In 15 minutes or less, 15% or more of our tax dollars are used to fund Oprah’s Illuminati trust fund that paid a time-traveling baby boomer to replace Tyler the Creator as homophobe earlier in his rap c...

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“Pay Me Reedsy” by Matt P

Submitted to Contest #124

What might someone do for $250? They might just kidnap a Reedsy editor and hold them hostage. Trigger warning! The Receptionist puts their hands up. I’m aiming a paper bag, covering a gun at her head. “Don't shoot. Pineapple! Pineapple!” “We’re cool,” I’m telling The Receptionist. Her pinky is painted yellow. She’s one of us. I put the banana gun down, then toss it to The Receptionist. “Potassium is the opposite of sodium. You need to balance out your salt intake,” I say. The Rec...

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“Daddy Issues” by Matt P

Submitted to Contest #122

Not every day do you get a toe in the mail. A nice toe at that. Shinny purple nail polish. Well cleaned. There is no blood around the sides. They even made the effort to wrap the toe in white gauze. An earpiece is chatting with me. It's all fun and games until someone loses a toe. "Code blue at the branch at 17th and Huntington," I tell the earpiece. Freeze a bank's network to take...

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“Mono e Mono” by Matt P

Submitted to Contest #121

(1)Thanks a lot but I can take it from here. We’re going right to the source. Cut out the middleman, because we’re back baby!I’m telling you this because I don’t want the board to be upset. Wouldn’t want an infraction on file now, would we? Before we get started there are some procedures and logistics to go through. HA, just kidding. I’m sure you have so many questions. Who am I?I am your automated guide to luxury. I am the genesis of se...

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“A Christmas Story Before Thanksgiving? ” by Matt P

Submitted to Contest #120

Show me your family photo album and I'll show you a picture of my father 10 beers deep into arguing how Die Hard is the best Christmas movie of all time. There he is pictured next to my Uncle, who dressed up as a tall elf. A Santa suit on a fat man, with a white beard, is just a suit. That's exactly what my father was, a Santa without a suit. So after my 7th birthday, my mother got him an actual Santa su...

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Author bio

Hey people. Some jokes that you can’t tell your friends about my stories are: These stories are so bad, it makes me think you might be funny. These stories are so bad you’ll never enjoy it if you love it, because it's meaningless and therefore your love would also be meaningless. These stories are so bad they gave me type 1 diabetes. These stories are so bad I hear the author’s partner started avidly reading them at night instead of taking sleeping pills. These stories are so bad I hope you love them like I do. Do you think you’re anybody's punchline?