Sure I'll Get a Boyfriend in College...

I’m staring at the back of Colin Harper’s perfect head during Ecology when it hits me that I’m graduating college in 16 days. And I still haven’t got–nor have ever had–a boyfriend. I should be listening to Dr. Whitehead–whose name aptly describes his shock of white hair–droning on about the niche concept, but this revelation is too sad not to share. I whip out my phone to text my little sister Lauren.

“Dude i just realized”

She texts back immediately. “What”

“Remember how i said id get a bf in college?”

“Yah”

“Well. im graduating in like 2 weeks and i still havent got one.”

“Sucks to be you”

“Wow ur so supportive”

“I know”

“🤣🤣”

“🤪🤪”

“Seriously tho. This is kinda tragic”

“Yeahhhhh”

“I'm gonna be single forever 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭”

“Nooo don't say that”

“It's trueeeeee 😭😭😥😥”

“I mean u still have 2 weeks…”

“Pfffft yeah right. I've had 4 years. Nothing's gonna happen.”

“Yup. Ur the world's latest bloomer”

“😅😅 At least im not the 40 yr old virgin”

“Yeah u still got time to hit that mark 😜”

“🤣🤣 Wait hold up professors saying something important i think. Ttyl”

“Kk 🥰”

I shut off my phone and tune into Dr. Whitehead’s monotone. “To wrap up this semester, you will be finding scientific papers on an ecology topic of your choice and giving a class presentation. With a partner.” I cry inside. “Let me pull up the pairings and… gosh darn it, how do I connect this HDMI?”

The whole class groans as he fiddles with the cables and computer. Finally, he gets the Word document pulled up, and I scan the list. Iris Vaughn and Colin Harper. Wooooo! Wait, shit.

My current crush turns around in his seat and smiles at me. EEEK, he knows who I am! “I guess we’re partners!”

“Uhh… Indeed.” Who says indeed? This is why you’re single. I internally slap myself.

“You free around lunch tomorrow? We can hash out all the project details.”

“Umm…” Lunch? With an actual human being? WITH A BOY? “Yes, that works.”

“Okay, I’ll meet you at Turner’s then!” Colin slings on his backpack and bounds away, caramel hair curls bouncing. I suppress a romantic sigh as I gather up my notebooks and trudge out of the lecture hall. 

My rosy mood dies once I enter the student-filled hallway. Girls are giggling over their phones together and the guys are slapping each other on the back. Couples are grinning at each other like fools while holding hands. I scowl. Fucking people. 

My stomach rumbles, as if in agreement, so I walk over to D2 for an early dinner. I plunk my bag down at the bar-style counter that spans the dining hall–the place lonely losers like me sit. Happy chatter, clinking cutlery, and pop music fill the air as I fill up plates of food. Spaghetti with cheesy breadsticks, Indian curry with rice, and brownies. Mmm. As Albert Camus said, “The literal meaning of life is whatever you're doing that prevents you from killing yourself,” and right now that’s Virginia Tech food. 

As I start stuffing food into my mouth, I notice Noelle, a girl from my lab class, is sitting one seat down. I could easily strike up a conversation–she’s not sitting with anyone. I could compliment her orange and maroon striped VT sweater. I don’t own any VT merch because fuck this place and fuck college and fuck everything, BUT I could still compliment her.

I could say, hey, Noelle, that sweater looks really good on you! She would reply, thanks so much! And then I could ask, how far along are you on the lab report?

I swallow the last of my breadstick and open my mouth. But I just can’t. My throat closes up, and tears press at the corner of my eyes. No, this is why you’re single. I angrily swipe at my eyes, shove the rest of my dinner down my throat, and stalk out of the dining hall.

In my cramped cinder block dorm room, I flip open my laptop, trying to motivate myself by looking at my to-do list. Lab report, ecology presentation, English essay, cell bio notes…

At her dresser, my roommate Lydia is applying an obscene amount of lipstick and shimmying into her sluttiest dress. It’s Thursday but she’s already partying. WHORE, I want to yell at her. At least she has friends. 

I create a new Word document and type “Final Molecular Biology Lab Report” as the title and stare at the blank page, fingers poised over the keyboard. Lydia finally leaves. I type the Abstract heading and stare at the page some more. 

You are not getting anything done today, Iris. Yup. I swing off my bed and fill up my electric kettle. While the water boils, I queue up La La Land for the tenth time this semester. I hum along as “Another Day of Sun” starts playing and pour my tea, steeping it until it’s as dark and bitter as my life. 

By the end of the movie, I’m bawling because a) the ending is tragic b) Ryan Gosling is not and will never be my boyfriend and c) I’ll never have a good rom-com love story. 

I sniffle and blow my sore nose. I’m only 21. Why am I already in a midlife crisis?

*****

The next day, I arrive at Turner’s early and buy a turkey sandwich to avoid the mile-long lines. It feels like all thirty thousand VT students are here trying to get lunch and my skin prickles from everyone brushing by me.

I pull out Pride and Prejudice from my backpack, crack it open, and inhale the papery goodness. Ah, finally some calm. 

Colin chooses this moment to amble up and say, “You like reading, huh?”

Tomato-red, I scramble to put the book away. “As you can see.”

Colin reaches back and pulls out a book–The Blade Itself. He grins sheepishly and takes a deep sniff. 

My heart is melting but I gather my wits enough to say, “I love that book!” Fantasy and romance are my favorite genres–two things I can never seem to find in real life. 

“No way! Who’s your favorite character?”

“Logen, of course.”

“It’s Jezal for me.”

“What?!”

And so begins an hour-long analysis of The Blade Itself and the rest of the First Law series. 

“Those books gave me an existential crisis,” I say.

“Same!” exclaims Colin.

“‘Round and round in circles we go,’” I quote, “‘clutching at successes we never grasp, endlessly tripping over the same old failures. Truly, life is the misery we endure between disappointments.’”

“Death levels all differences. He catches everyone in the end, and he treats each man the same,’” Colin quotes back. 

I sigh. “It just all feels so meaningless, doesn’t it? Life, that is.”

Colin stares at me. “I like to think everyone is lost in some way. We’re all groping in the dark, trying and failing to find the light. But since it’s dark, you bump into people you wouldn’t have noticed otherwise. And then at least you can grope around together.”

I sit back, processing. “Damn, that’s deep.”

Colin grins, and then I’m grinning, and then we’re both shaking with laughter.

“Let’s work on that project, yeah?” wheezes Colin. I nod, face aching with a happiness I haven’t felt in so long. 

We sift through papers on species interactions and joke about how boring ecology is. Then we eat our lunch while geeking out about all things reading. By dusk, we’ve finished with the slideshow and hit submit.

“It was really nice talking to you, Colin,” I say as we’re about to split off to our dorms. It was nice talking to an actual human being.

He beams. “Likewise, Iris.”

As I watch him walk away, I imagine what it would be like to hold his hand, to press a kiss to his lips. You’re graduating in 15 days, I remind myself. You have to be realistic about these things. But hope is as intoxicating as wine, and my shuttered heart keeps beating faster. 

*****

“You ready for this?” Colin asks on the day of our presentation.

I’m relentlessly taping my fingers on the desk, sucking in deep breaths so I don’t puke. “Ready as I’ll ever be I guess.”

“‘Better to do it…’”

“‘Than live in the fear of doing it.’” I finish, remembering the words from The Blade Itself. 

Colin smiles like the sun, but before he can say anything else, Dr. Whitehead calls our names. I walk toward the front of the room, reminding myself to breathe, while Dr. Whitehead mutters curses as he attempts to project our presentation. 

Once it’s up, Colin introduces us and starts cracking jokes about symbiosis and predation. I stutter through my slides, Colin nodding at me all along, and then it’s over. I collapse in my seat and zone out for the rest of the class. 

As I’m gathering up my things, Colin shyly taps me on the shoulder. “I was wondering…would you like to, um, go on a date?”

I goggle at him, frozen for a second. A date? With me? FOR REAL? “You want to go on a date with me?”

“Yeah!” he says, like it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

I snap out of paralysis. “Yes! I’d love to go on a date with you!”

We grin at each other like fools. Like the couples in the hallways. Colin scrawls his number on a yellow Post-it.

“Text me and I’ll send you the details,” he says and skips away as I clutch the note in my hand like it’s a prize diamond. 

I float back to my dorm, barely feeling the sun on my face or the weight of my responsibilities. All my mind can focus on is Colin, Colin, Colin. I can’t keep the goofy smile off my face as I text Lauren.

“DUDE YOULL NEVER GUESS WHAT HAPPENED”

“What”

“COLIN ASKED ME ON A DATE!!!!! A FUCKING DATEEEEEE”

“NO 😱 u serious?”

“YESSSSSS”

“Oh my god ohmygod”

“I KNOWWW”

“Wait colin from class with cute hair and hot bod?🔥”

“Yah who else” 

“OH MY GOD UR GOIN ON A DATE🥳🥳🥳🥳”

“AHHHHHHHHHH”

“You’ve never been on a date”

“I KNOWWW”

“OMG this is such a romcom moment!💘💌”

“Yes but like im hyperventilating rn😭😭”

“Girl calm down”

“WHAT DO I WEAR HOW DO I ACT I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO KISS. AHHHHGHGKGJFRJKTNK😭😭😭😭😭”

“You’ll be fine. Here lemme call u.”

“Damn its pathetic that my little sis knows more about dating than me😅😅”

“Heh🤣ok im calling u”

Lauren calls me and we scream at each other for a few minutes before she helps me put together an outfit and shows me how to do makeup. Then I agonize for ten minutes on what to text Colin and finally settle with “Hey, Colin, this is Iris.” He tells me to meet him tomorrow evening at an off-campus restaurant called Green’s. 

The rest of the night I spend restlessly pacing my dorm and practicing conversation with Colin. I guess I finally understand what Dr. Seuss meant when he said “You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.”

*****

I try to stand still outside the restaurant, tugging at the hem of my teal dress that Lauren said “set off my green eyes and blonde hair.” What if this all goes wrong, or what if I say something stupid, or what if he doesn’t really like me–

“Wow, you look amazing, Iris!”

“You don’t look too shabby either,” I say as Colin approaches. My heart is beating as fast as gunfire. He’s wearing a starched white shirt and slacks instead of his normal hoodie and jeans. 

“So…” Colin scuffs his shoe against the pavement. 

“I’ve never been on a date before,” I admit, reddening. 

Colin smiles. “Well, it works like this. I take your hand…” His hand slips into mine and I feel a shiver. “Lead you into the restaurant…” He opens the door with a squeak and we step through. “Pull out a chair for you…” He pulls out a chair for me at a little table in the corner. “Then we order…” We peruse our menus and order when the waiter comes by–chicken wrap for me, and a burger for Colin. “And then we talk like normal people.”

I gulp down water. “Right. Talk like normal. How do you do that?”

Colin chuckles. “Well. What are your thoughts on the meaning of life?”

“Mm. That’s totally what normal people talk about.”

“Would you rather discuss the weather?” Colin asks, arching an eyebrow.

“Nah,” I grin. “I’ve had enough of that my whole damn life.”

Our food soon comes and we quote Kierkegaard, Schopenhauer, and Nietzsche in between bites. We’re both stressed as hell about the state of humanity and our futures, but grinning at each other over our water glasses, it doesn’t seem so bad. 

After dinner, we decide to watch the sunset from the Pylons. We sit on the stone ledge, feet swinging below us as the blue sky bleeds into purple-red night. 

“We should take a picture,” I say. Colin puts an arm around me and I snap a selfie. 

I put my phone away, but Colin doesn't retract his arm. His eyes drift to my lips.

“Can I…kiss you?” Colin asks, blushing.

My heart starts raging again and I lick my lips. “I’ve never kissed anyone before.”

“Well, it works like this. If you want, you come close…” I bring my face up to Colin’s. “Closer…” Our lips are a hair’s breadth away. “You tilt your head to one side…”

“Which side?” I breathe.

“Whichever.” I lean my head to the right. “Then I tilt my head to the opposite side and come closer and–”

Our lips meet and everything melts away except the soft press of his mouth on mine. It tastes like the chocolate cake we had for dessert, rich and creamy. 

Colin pulls away smiling. “You wanna finish watching the sunset first?”

I nod and furtively send Lauren the selfie of us with the text, “Told ya I'd get a boyfriend in college.” Then I lean my head against Colin’s shoulder and we watch the sun sink, the world alight with possibility.