‹16 |2020| 11:59›
“I just want to die.”
Air condition fills the air… through my nose… A pointy needle pokes our arm as wires trail around our body. But you smile.
Before the clock hits 12 you turn to me and ask slowly- “What flowers do you want at your grave?”
You had never asked me that question before usually you told me to hope…to live like you wanted, like we all wanted at some point. But its been 16 teen years, that dream has come and gone. I’m still here.
“I…don’t know.” I responded, I have never thought of that question before.
“I see.” you responded weakly, the sleeping drug has started to take effect. “If this is the year you die, you must tell me what flower you want so when I visit you I…I can bring it to you.”
I glance outside, that’s true, but how many flowers are there? How could I possibly know which one I want? “What flower do you want on yours?”
“What?” I ask you.
“…nothing, goodnight.” you said as finally giving into the sleep.
“What does anemone mean? Is that a flower?” I asked to your seemingly lifeless body. Of course you didn’t respond, you wouldn’t have answered even if you were awake. You were a girl of a few words, you didn’t speak much. I couldn’t read your mind, I always asked you “What’s going on in your head?” but you always smiled with those blank eyes of yours, and replied; “Nothing.”
Anyone would believe you, in fact it sometimes surprises me how you always wanted to live… you didn’t care for much, your expression showed nothing but blank. We both had the same dream at one point; to leave this hospital. All kids had that dream… but when you see all those kids never reach that point, it kills a petal in you. When you watch your friends being carried away in a chair, lifeless. The memory never leaves you. But here is the thing…it was inevitable. Every child, person, or teenager in this section of the hospital are not expected to live pass their teens. Actually its a miracle in its own that I am still here…
But here is the real reason why I want to die. See, the thing is, I am never allowed to leave this hospital…and even if I do, it won’t be long before I pass out. My body is weak, I am hanging by a thread. But you are hanging on a thread thinner than my own…in fact the only thing keeping you alive is your will. Your will to live. While me? Well I guess its these machines.
I look at the clock… 11:59 clicks then 12:00, and it is now December 29. 2 more days until 2021, I look over at your little body… you can do it…I know you can. Just 2 more days.
“I just want to live”
You muttered out that early morning… your body looked weaker as the days went by. But mine somehow stayed the same.
“I just want to die.” I said in response to that. You side eyed me…I still remember the struggle it took just to do that, and you smiled.
I remember your ruffled hair. You had doubled black eye bags, and your arms showed more veins. I remember thinking in that moment “I wonder what I look like.” You didn’t look good at all.
You turned to me that day, I was prepared for your of guard statement but I was not prepared for this one. I watched you take me in, your eyes flew all over and landed on my eyes. “You look good” you said lightly.
I remember, your lingering look, your expecting eyes- pleading with me to say it back. I didn’t say it back, I couldn’t lie to you like you did to me. You turned away…I did the same, except I did it simply to hide my lingering tears.
“I want to live to see the new year. That’s all I want” you whispered.
Our personal nurse came in, you could tell the empathetic look on her face when she looked at you. I cursed her for being unable to hide her expressions. When she looked at me, I looked away. She was just another face, she will be replaced in a month. A month… I wondered if we had a month.
I cursed myself that evening…why was I getting better? Why were you dying. You were the one who wanted to live. You’ve always been the one…
Today you talked with a raspy tone…you used to have a smooth sweet tone, I remember. Your voice reminded me of beautiful sunshine and rainy clouds. But, that’s not what made your voice so extravagant… back then everything excited you even the painful surgeries and the cafeteria food, your voice had something most sick children did not; Life. Even though you wished for life now, you and I both know those are empty words… “I just want to live” are those words supposed to hide you from reality? Well…I guess, I too, am doing the same.
Today you cried… “I’m not going to live.” you repeated twice.
“Yes you will!” I said to you, trying to redeem myself since that day. “I know you will!”
“How would you know?! You want to die” you said in a loud voice. It was the loudest I had ever seen you talk. “The doctors…they talked to my parents…I don’t have much time left.”
“How much?” I blurted out. Tears stinging my eyes.
“Not enough…not enough to live. I have known that for quite sometime.”
“What does living even mean?” I asked you calmly.
“Living is…” you started off.
“Never mind, I’ll answer. Life to me, is doing something on your own…growing in mind and strength…Living is having a purpose. Living is…”
“Well…living is whatever you want it to be.” I said to you in a shrug. You glanced over at me, looked away and wiped your eyes.
“We aren’t doing that here.”
“Yes…but you can. We don’t have to be out there to live. You don’t.” I responded with ease. It was surprising…you were always the calm one. It must have been fate that we switched roles. Or maybe…repayment?
“But…I want to be out there.”
“Then…” I said as I thought to myself, “what could I possibly say to that?” the only words that came to mind was- “…break free”
To that you smiled. And that’s all that mattered.
New years eve.
You didn’t speak much at all today…and before I knew it, it was 9 pm. I fell asleep to the sound of the ticking clock, soon it would be new years. And you would see it too once you woke up.
But…something told me to wake up. And I did, for once that whole week I sat up. But that was nothing compared to the sight beside me… your bed was empty. For a slight second I thought you had died but no…I felt your spirit. I felt your soul. I heard your voice.
So I got up and left too. I searched for you everywhere, in the bathrooms, in the Lunch room. In the kids hall. You were no where to be seen, as much as I wanted to ask one of the nurses for help- something told me I shouldn’t. I wouldn’t. Then something sparked…and I remembered what I said to you.
I dashed up the stairs, my weary legs were tired and my breath was leaving me but when I opened that door I knew… it was worth it.
There you were out on the roofs ceiling sitting below the stars and the moon with your pillows…
You didn’t have to turn around to know I was there, you didn’t have to speak for me to know you knew. I walked closer to you…you sat peacefully. When I got close enough you handed me your pillow with a smile.
“Join me.” you said. I took your pillow and sat on it…I too was under the stars. The buildings lit up with people waiting…waiting for the new year to change their problems. But here we were…waiting for the new year to come so we could let go.
“Why…” I asked you. The idea that you got up here with your wheelchair was baffling. And terrifying.
“I… I wanted to see them. Not through a glass window, but with my very own eyes. I broke free.”
I don’t respond and we sit there watching the view, sometimes life and time fly better in silence.
“You were right. I broke free.” you finally said.
“I’m happy for you.”
“Can I ask you something?” you said slowly. “What is it?”
“Why do you want to die?”
That night…I didn’t think the simplest words I spilled out on anger would have to be searched thoroughly for an answer. We sat in silence as you patiently waited for me to answer.
“Well…when I first said those words…I felt the same as you. I wanted to live but when I realized I couldn’t have that simple thing called life. I decided to despise it instead. While you…fantasied over it. When you told me you were going to…die. I wished badly I could die in your place. Die in place of all the people here who have to die.”
You laughed slightly. “That’s a terrible wish.” I could hear your heavy breathing, your not supposed to be out here…but I knew there was nothing I could possibly say to you now. You knew you were almost gone…you accepted it. The rest is my problem. I can’t accept it.
“That is not needed…I wouldn’t want that. And I don’t think any of your friends would have wanted that either. As for me…I have already accomplished all I need too. I have seen the stars… the moon. I have traveled 2 flights of stairs on my own, I have lived. And that’s all I ever wanted. I would never have realized that without you.” you say as you give out your hand patting my shoulder.
“I…” I whimper and start to cry my eyes out. I forcefully try to pull myself together, I am not the one about to die.
“May I ask of you one more last thing…?”
I nod as I wipe my eyes.
“This is rather selfish of me to ask…you can think it over it is not a must.”
“What is it?”
“Live for me…no- live for yourself, I will be much happier to know my only friend lived her life to the fullest. That’s all I ask for.”
I cursed the world for giving me more time, but I was grateful. You were dying and was still kind enough to wish for me to live… you were too kind. Much too kind for this world. My only hope is that you die with no regrets, I think you’ve accomplished that much.
“I promise, Poppy.”
1! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
Fire works, pop in the sky…I remember you holding your hand over my nose. You knew it was a lot for me to be out here like this. You knew, me smelling the toxins of the air could cause me to die.
The fireworks were beautiful yet deadly. Soon, you fell over on your chair, tired.
“Happy… new… year…” you whispered out to yourself. “I made it…I made it.”
And with that…you close your eyes…
“Aster?” you said my name. You never said my name and I barely said yours.
“Yes?” I called out placing a hand over yours.
You heaved in…and then out. I waited for your unprecedented words once more.
But this time, you said “Thank you.” and passed away right underneath the stars.
I sat there holding your hands in mine. Your soul, your spirit…was gone. And I knew there would never be another like it.
I let go of your arm…and well, I did the only thing I knew how too. I screamed and passed temporarily. Oh, how I wish you did the same.
Life is precious…Precious things soon lose their meaning in our eyes because that’s how life is. When you have something for so long it begins to lose it value. Sometimes you need something to give it back that meaning, to remind you…that life is a one time thing. Live it out to the fullest, and well…break free.
‹|✿Poppy|16| January 1|2021✿|›
‹16 |2021| 11:59›
Its been a year since you passed Poppy. I have never forgotten you…you made me into who I am. You helped me beat the thing that tied me to that hospital. You helped me fight another day. And with that strength, I have lived to see another year.
Poppy…December 29, 2020, you told me you wanted Anemone’s at your grave. It hasn’t been long since I finally figured out what you meant. For the longest of time I never brought those flowers to you because I never understood why…why did you want those flowers at your grave? I brought you Lilies, Daisies, Irises, anything that reminded me of the you, I remember. I never brought you Anemone. Until now.
I realize now that maybe at some point you knew you were going to die. Or maybe you knew that your whole life, which is why you constantly stated you wanted to live. “We always want what we can’t have” is what you told me at one point, it was your favorite quote, maybe unconsciously you started living by it.
I’m at your grave stone today… your name is printed out in deep letters – Poppy Freyja-Evie Potter. “A beautiful old soul…that will live forever.”
“I brought you the flowers you asked for Poppy… I know your not here anymore but..its the least I could do. I’m sorry it took me so long.” I say to the silence its like I can see you smiling.
“I know, you only wanted Anemone’s but…I got you a little something else with it too. I hope that’s okay.” I sigh.
I place the red Anemone’s with Chrysanthemum right on your grave. You wanted Anemone’s cause you died but…I brought you Chrysanthemum’s cause …well… you lived.
And that’s all that matters.
ᴅɪᴅ ʏᴏᴜ ᴄᴀᴛᴄʜ ᴀʟʟ ᴏғ ᴛʜᴇ ᴄʟᴜᴇs? ʟᴇᴛs ɢᴏ ᴏᴠᴇʀ sᴏᴍᴇ ᴏғ ᴛʜᴇᴍ.
«❀Anemone is a flower that is usually associated with death.
Chrysanthemum or for short ‘mums’ is also a flower, is usually associated with fidelity, optimism, joy and life.
Freyja-Evie (Poppy’s middle name) - Freyja is a name given to the lady of love, beauty and death. And Evie is a Hebrew name that means ‘life.’
Poppy is also a flower… that have long been used as a symbol of sleep, peace, and death. (I didn’t even mean for this one to happen ahaha)
Aster (main characters name) is also a flower that means love, wisdom, faith, and color.❀»