135 comments

Funny Fiction

She was rich, and I was a tramp, like in any cliche romance movie where the main character with reputation and a fat bank account had a love interest who was a complete loner, or a discard, like an 80s radio. Even an old radio could be given another chance, though. 


Let’s not forget that this movie ran in the theatres with a percentage of fifty from Rotten Tomatoes. This movie was a compilation of our life together and the title was — Around Her Mood Swings in 80 Days. It was one heck of a binge worthy movie, defeating the incredible movies that came under it in the Parody genre. 


Amidst all the arguments and suspecting lies (which I loved listening to because I already knew the truth) and an empty belly on most days as a result, we’d shared days of compassion, talked of our future and exchanged gifts now and then. I was living under an inferiority complex; who knew gifts (of not much value. At least, mine weren’t) could induce such a sense of mediocrity.  


I was namby-pamby when we met, but she helped me gain all the traits I lacked and wished to accommodate a place for in my life, one of them being deception which didn’t come out as a surprise, honestly. She was algae and I, her fungi, and we attempted to live in a symbiotic relationship which didn’t quite work out. At the end, one had to bamboozle the other, it was written in one page of a book called, Laugh At Your Own Misery. A fate worse than death, and they weren’t burnt cupcakes. 


I, of course, was hopping mad when I found out that her wedding was just a few weeks away and even more vexed because I heard this stunning piece of filthy news from our old highschool janitor, whom I had accidentally bumped upon. Otherwise Riley would’ve married, had kids, contracted Alzheimer’s without me knowing a single shit about it. Not that I still cared about her. We had a nasty breakup, and all that I wished upon her was the monstrosity of death.  


💍 


I went to the departmental store that Riley and I would treat as an infirmary. University classes always knocked us out, so coke and sour candies worked fine as adrenaline. Er, just fine. Early mornings and coke were never on the same page. 


It was just an excessively lazy trip to the store. I blamed my heart for dragging me there, in some hopes of finding Riley when I DIDN’T WANT TO.


The fear I was experiencing while I stood at the centre of the store was seeing Riley’s wrinkly face, and the dream in my misguiding heart was that I wanted to see her. How worse could I get? I blamed everything on my heart for causing such bipolar thoughts. 


That’s when I saw the nemesis of my life and fiery red sneaked up my face, I wanted to hide myself away from her. No one understood how I was so desperate for Harry Potter’s invisible cloak, but he wanted to cackle at my embarrassment, too.


Riley stood at the counter, screaming away at the cashier like Karen that she was, while I ducked behind a stack of carts, waiting for her to exhaust her last ammunition of profanities. She was a Karen, and I was not. Shitting hell! One of the most essential lessons I had learnt post breakup was to never date a Karen. Ever. Again. I definitely didn’t want her thinking I’d gone to the store because of her.  


No sooner had she cleared my way, than I toppled over a cart, doubled over, and landed right next to someone’s feet. I gasped when I looked up.


How did she teleport back to the store? 


I coughed, got up and feigned nonchalance. “What a surprise, Riley!”


“Not anymore. I noticed you behind the carts,” she said and clutched onto her purse handle tighter. “Tell me, how’ve you been?” Then a pseudo smile. Such a quack, really.    


I shrugged and said, “Couldn’t’ve been better after a breakup. It’s like popping a mint after a bad night. How’re the wedding preparations going on?”


“You’ve always been a twerp, haven’t you? I don’t remember talking to you in almost six months, let alone informing you about my wedding. Quinn Berk is his name, though.”


“I have my sources, ma’am.” The name alone, though, looked like it belonged to a twerp.


“Started dating him a year before our breakup.” 


That wasn’t a surprise either. “And you expect me to let you get away with that, huh?”


“Look, you’re wasting my time. You’re on my side, by my side, or in my way.”


“Nobody cares! You thought you could get away with the breakup via a single text message? Hey, let’s not talk anymore. Life’s so hectic, I could die? How much do I rate your cheapness on a scale from one to ten?”


Riley scoffed and took a step back. “You’re dragging this way too long. It’s over now. Toodle-do, Mays.”


I stood there and let people stare ninja stars at me. Some at the back recorded this entire confrontation and must’ve uploaded it on YouTube… EPIC COUPLE ROAST. Ha! I was definitely liking and subscribing to every channel that uploaded the video. 


💍


Taking up on an obstinate decision, I got my friends to dig up any information about this Berk guy and hoped whatever came up was as malarkey as the name. Two pronks did not deserve each other. 


Little to no information transpired. 


Quinn Berk. 


24.


Drug addict and a mall Santa Claus…? 


Not an eye-opener, but what almost made me scoop my eyes out and pair them with a tub of gelato was that Riley’s taste in men had undoubtedly dropped after our breakup. It was quite prominent now, including those gigantic bags under her eyes which were certain to keep their kids maintain distance from her and pray to God every day before sleeping. Their mommy was horrifying in the dark. 


💍


Riley, now, had asked me to keep her company on her wedding two weeks later and even though I had nothing to do with her (chant good riddance with me) I overdressed myself; a brown tie with a beige suit and vest, oily hair licked back, and the cologne that Riley abhorred. It was about time to sport it.


Even on the wedding day, Riley being her Karen self ordered around the caterers. I ambled into the hall and she trudged my way, holding the trail of her gown in her hands. We smiled at each other and strolled through the guests. All the grudge that I’d held for her all this while seemed to nullify once I saw her in her gown; white and sparkly like her buck teeth, her hair pulled up in a messy bun, wavy locks dangling down her sideburns. Our arms brushed as we walked past through our mutuals in a not-so-companionable-silence. She abruptly left me after what I suspected was because of my cologne.


I chattered away with my mutuals when a commotion snatched our attention. Quinn walked out of a room, a woman limping after him. She was clearly in a state of shock, and Quinn was the reason behind it. She kept shouting and accusing him of something while he seemed uninterested. While everyone comforted the woman, I walked back to the balcony and several messages popped up on my phone. It was about Quinn; some juicy information, at last. I pocketed my phone and sauntered toward him. I was ready to out this pronk. 


“Hey man, congrats on your wedding!”  


“Thank you! You must be Mays, my fiancé’s told me about you.”


“Yeah. Exes.”


“Um, what? Aren’t you guys just colleagues?”


I snickered, albeit a little astonished. He did not know I was in Riley’s life much before him. “So tell me, what do you call Santa’s little helpers?”


“What? Why’re you even asking me this?”


“Aren’t you supposed to know it, given you’ve enough experience as Santa?”


He grabbed me by the arm and dragged me to the corner, his breath hot and beads of sweat forming on his brows. 


“How the hell do you know it? Please, don’t let Riley know. She just knows I’m a busi—”


“What am I not supposed to know?” Riley appeared from behind him and flashed her infamous pseudo smile. 


“Your fiancé works as a mall Santa. Kids love to ask for presents from him. Right?”


“Mays, what’s wrong with you? I didn’t bring you here to be the knucklehead you’ve always been. Now you’re playing with him just because you’re bored?”


“Ha-ha, ask him yourself. Go ahead."


She glared at Quinn, who gave back a sheepish nod. Riley sighed and her eyes widened. “I’ve been dating a wannabe Santa Claus?”


The people who heard her broke out into fits of chuckle. They obviously didn’t hear the whole context.


“Could you not embarrass me anymore?” Quin said.


“Hold on a second, I’m not done yet.”


Riley grasped onto my arm, and her eyes screamed. Just leave us, for God’s sake!


I pried her fingers off from my arm and hopped onto the tiny stage, turning on the microphone. 


“Tell me, Quinn, how many women have you married? That’s another secret job nobody knows, innit?” Gasps erupted from the hall and all eyes focused on the bridegroom. 


Quinn shook his head, pleading for me to stop. Riley counted the rhinestones on her nails, twelve to be exact. Oh no, there were fifteen. She waited for me to shut my mouth, which I would only after I had exposed her man. 


I continued when his skin shriveled up from cold. From the cold of getting caught in the heinous crime he was a part of.


“... and how many of your wives have you gotten away with as a request from your father?” Now voices grew louder. I looked over at Riley, who just waited for everything to get over. “You were going to marry Riley, make her believe you loved her, then kill her off. All you need is her wealth. That’s what you do, don’t you? Marry affluent women, loot them, then bump them off once your greedy soul had fulfilled it's wish."


“Really, Quinn?” Riley spoke up this time, bafflement fresh in her tone.


“Yes. Yes, that is what I do. But no, I love Riley, I will never do that.” Riley struck him hard on the cheek and I mentally high-five-ed with myself. She dragged him into a room and didn’t come out after a good twenty minutes.


“I-I don’t know what to say,” she said once she returned. “I thought you were here just to spoil the night. Guess, I heavily judged you.”


“You’ve always judged me, so I take no offence today.”


“Um, thank you, Mays. I’ve cut ties with him, but what do we do with him? 


“That’s not my concern. Go through his criminal record and decide what’s to be done.”


She was about to reach for my hand when I lifted my arm and caressed her cheek and drew circles on her makeup-heavy skin and said, “your makeup’s waterproof, right?” 


When she shook her head hesitantly, I grabbed a glass of wine from the nearby table and splashed it on her face, drenching her face and hair.


That was how I was going to end the wedding night.


If you know you’re making a grave mistake by allowing the devil into your life, you still have time: dump them, turn back and never return. 


The sequel, now through Riley’s point of view, was titled — How I Met My Doom. 

February 19, 2021 20:37

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135 comments

Zilla Babbitt
19:29 Mar 23, 2021

I saw your bio. I love you, stay strong.

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Rhondalise Mitza
03:27 Mar 08, 2021

I miss you. <3 tell me if you write a new story

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Rhondalise Mitza
21:06 Feb 19, 2021

Ren! haven't talked to you in a while. Reedsy missed you, cute queen! I love your sense of humor in your writing, it makes so much sense to read your stories and then talk to you because you always let your voice shine through in your narratives!

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Orenda .
20:39 Feb 19, 2021

made it just before the deadline. Phew! escaping death isn't the most relieving thing, it is when you submit your story just a few hours before the deadline, lol. also, I just realized this story doesn't really follow the prompt, but okay.

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OMG YAY I JUST SAW THIS AND I CAN’T WAIT TO READ IT TOMORROW AHHH

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Orenda .
04:55 Feb 21, 2021

haha, sure :)

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HELLO! The humor in this story is actually great! And yay, you're back! I personally loved your stories! I hope to see more of them in the future!

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19:41 Apr 03, 2021

YOU'RE BACK?

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Orenda .
05:38 Apr 04, 2021

not really back, but I just wanted to check up on people here :)

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17:13 Apr 04, 2021

That's still good :)

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05:42 Apr 03, 2021

Bish, you better come back >:(

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Orenda .
17:00 Apr 03, 2021

hey bish 2, what's up?

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17:13 Apr 03, 2021

BITCH YOU ACTUALLY FUDGING RESPONDED WTFH I GOT A HEART ATTACK loads. Mainly shit, grandpa got covid, family goddamn stressed mah exams on. How are you?

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Orenda .
17:18 Apr 03, 2021

I hope your grandpa gets better soon :) welp, these past few months haven't been that great, but i've been meeting up with a lot of people. it's boring these days and I have literally stopped writing. how amazing! how's writing?

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17:23 Apr 03, 2021

❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤ thanks. Meeting with ppl? In a place with less cases? Lucky ah. Aw :( Good! Started a series on here which might become a novel, its called Bomb :))

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Orenda .
17:31 Apr 03, 2021

yeah! :D oh damn, I don't even daydream about writing a series. I could never do it haha. I'd just chicken out. I just miss the writing and you guys here. I wasn't supposed to check up on you, but I just happened to come here and oh lord,,, the notifications XD

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Nooooo Ren you should 100% come back! And yea, the downvoter has apparently adopted 666 as their lucky number because dozens and dozens of people have been downvoted to that. I’m not even superstitious but bruh. BUT DONUT LET POINTS AFFECT REEDY’S ~ViBeS~ IN YOUR EYES! WE’RE ALL SICK OF DOWNVOTING BUT DON’T LET DAT BE THE DECIDING FACTOR IF YOU WANT TO COME BACCCC

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Orenda .
17:01 Apr 03, 2021

totally! not gonna let 'em get me :)

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FRICK YOU ACTUALLY RESPONDEDDDDD?!?!?!! YAYYYYYYYY henlo 😌💅🏼

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Orenda .
17:36 Apr 03, 2021

hihih. halo, lady. how're you doin'?

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XD Good! Carsick and sad spring break is over, but happy I *finally* posted another story and also like life’s just noice rn. Wbuuu?

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Orenda .
17:48 Apr 03, 2021

oh no :( yay! that's great :D I haven't been writing anything :-)

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Oreooooooooo ty for da bio update 🥺 Everyone misses you so much tooooooo and yikes, hope life treats you a little...better? soon! Yaass #vocab 😌 wow I’m a dork. Anyways, that’s it, bye, love you! <3

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Rayhan Hidayat
23:05 Feb 25, 2021

Wtf, how did I miss this? Hang on while I give it a read. Are you back?

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Oooooh! First of all, YAY U WROTE A STORyYyY!!!! Secondly, this was great! I liked the hints of humor yet attention to detail. “ The name alone, though, looked like it belonged to a twerp.”...why did I giggle at this line? XDDD And did I mention how much I love the first line? The way you phrased it totally hooked me in. Bye! <3

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OKAY SO I HAVE SONG RECOMMENDATIONS (they don’t really remind me of you but whatevs-) Getaway car All I want (Olivia Rodrigo wrote and sang it but it’s also part of a show she stars in) Edge of Great (also from a show) ACK MY MIND IS GOING BLANKKKKK just watch Julie and the Phantoms for lotsa great music *wiggles eyebrows*

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Orenda .
07:47 Jun 17, 2021

yaay, thanks for the recommendations 😚

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12:05 Jun 14, 2021

so, reedsy duchess... if the wind tides (and prompts) are right, can we expect a new story looming somewhere beyond the horizon?

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Orenda .
07:49 Jun 17, 2021

I really want to write something, but I'm either busy or too lazy to write anything. Let's wait for Friday and see if there's any prompt that sparks my interest :D

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JWJWJWUQUQUQUQUQQUQUQHHQHSSBSBBAHQHWUWIQIQIAIAJSNANANANNA SKRRRRRRRRRRRRT henlo 🤠✋ meeeeeep Ren we missed you!!!!!!!!! But omg YAY HENLO YEEEEEEEEET HAPP 1000000000 So hru?? Besides taking a fancy to ShReK? (Lol, and hold up, let’s jusr appreciate the pfp 😎😎). Talk to me sisssssssssssssssw wOaW this message is...something. 😂 no but really, I’m so excited you’re back!! (If only temporarily) All my big old friends (that sounds SO weird, but I mean my closer Wrirates friends from ~bacc in the day~~) have either left, barely ta...

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Orenda .
15:10 May 19, 2021

besides taking a fancy to Shrek, I'm alright, haha. i think i'll start writing here again, but I've completely stopped writing, so I'll have to pick up on things slowly. how've you been?

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*chef’s kiss bootiful* Ah, nice! And yea, writer’s block is going around Reedsy like the flu ugh. Although I’m super excited for summer because then, c’mon, endless days taken up basically only by writing :) Aw, good, thanks! Kinda dissing Reedsy, currently half in tears at my free block at school because sometimes friends are really, REALLY annoying and selfish. Wbu?

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Orenda .
08:01 May 20, 2021

reedsy feels a lil dull. True?

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Amaya .
02:28 May 28, 2021

agreed

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Orenda .
08:08 May 28, 2021

hey, my fren, how're you doing?

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Yuh, true. I hope once it’s the summer people will be more active like last year tho 🥲❤️

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Amaya .
02:28 May 28, 2021

i plan on being more active once summer starts, idk about other people. ur right about the writer's block, I haven't written a story in months (today is the three month mark since I submitted a story actually, and I haven't been writing outside of reedsy. idk, it's like every time I sit down to write something I'm just blank or lack motivation. it's so weird and I don't like it at all lol)

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10:56 May 17, 2021

YESS MAH SISSSSS 😀🤣😁😋😁😃😉😍😊😍😊😍😚🤗☺🙄😙😶🙄😙🙄😙🤩😝😌😝😕🤑😕🤑😌🤑😔😲😔😠🤢🧐🤥🤮🤢😡😳😠😳😠😺😼🙀🙊💩👽💩👽😺💀👽☠👽👨‍⚖👨‍🎓👩‍🏫👨‍🍳👩‍🏫👩‍💼👨‍🔧👩‍🌾👩‍🔬👨‍🎓👩‍🔬👨‍🎓👩‍🔬🤴👨‍🚒👮‍♀️👷‍♂️🤴👷‍♂️👮‍♀️🤴👷‍♂️🕵️‍♂️👷‍♂️🕵️‍♂️👨‍🚒🕵️‍♂️👨‍🚒🕵️‍♂️👨‍🚒🧜‍♂️🧚‍♂️🧜‍♂️🧞‍♂️🧛‍♂️🙅‍♂️🧛‍♂️🧚‍♂️🙅‍♂️🙅‍♂️🧚‍♀️💆‍♀️🤷‍♂️💆‍♀️🤷‍♂️💆‍♀️🤷‍♀️🙇‍♀️🏃‍♂️💇‍♂️🏃‍♂️👩‍👧👨‍👩‍👧👩‍👧👨‍👧‍👧👨‍👩‍👧‍👧👨‍👧‍👧👨‍👩‍👧‍👧👨‍👩‍👧‍👦👨‍👩‍👧‍👧👨‍👩‍👧‍👦✊🤚🤟🤚🤟🤲🤟🤜✊✋✊👘🧤👗🧤🕶🧤🕶💭📿🎓📿👟📿 Our first convo, I think XD

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Orenda .
12:20 May 17, 2021

lmaoo how're you?

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12:35 May 17, 2021

XDD *nervous laughter* Garbage. I'm garbage :')

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Orenda .
15:08 May 19, 2021

aw no, I hope you feel better soon :D

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05:47 May 20, 2021

:) How are you?

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Orenda .
07:59 May 20, 2021

I am alright. A little sick, that's it :p

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Radhika Diksha
18:14 Apr 03, 2021

Hey, Orenda missed you so much. I loved to see when you came back, for me you are a fresh breath of air to Reedsy. Hope you stay longer here. Sorry, but stalked your comments, and yeah covid has really affected us. My mental health is in a negative trajectory. Hope everything is fine in my life.

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Orenda .
18:18 Apr 03, 2021

hello, Radhika! Missed you, girl. I'm very sorry you're leaving, too. But anything for your body and mind. I really hope you feel better soon; just be yourself and keep yourself hydrated, okie? Love ya :3

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Radhika Diksha
18:42 Apr 03, 2021

I missed you a lot. Like hell lot. I will always remember you in my life. You changed the dynamics of my writing. Love you a lotttttttttttttttt.

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Orenda .
05:33 Apr 04, 2021

awww. I will remember you, too 🥺 I'm glad it did so <3

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Radhika Diksha
18:42 Apr 03, 2021

I missed you a lot. Like hell lot. I will always remember you in my life. You changed the dynamics of my writing. Love you a lotttttttttttttttt.

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15:43 Mar 28, 2021

come.back.please.

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10:54 Mar 25, 2021

I miss you! Please?

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02:32 Mar 23, 2021

Come back?

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