The winter is literally stinging my eyes, it appears to be that the winds are carrying arrows with them. The fog has blinded me everything seems to be swallowed by white blanket. Have I lost the path to the village or I travelled myself further in the black forest. Suddenly I heard a rustle behind me, is it a bear?
Jesus Christ I don't have my gun with me, I slowly turn my horse to face the predator. There is no one there then, what was the noise about?
In the dense fog I see a slight outline it is a man on a horse, and was approaching me now. When the person started to come closer the fog started to thin as if it was paving the way for the rider. I couldn't clearly distinguish the sex of the person in this dense fog. It was riding a chestnut horse and had a sword pointing towards me, it was wearing a dark oak wood color coat with matching boots, its face was covered by a red woolen scarf and was wearing a olive skin hat which was decorated by the feathers of a quail. The hat reminded me of Cambridge but I couldn't point my finger at what part I was feeling the memory about. The person had a raven black eyes, in this icy cold weather it had a blaze of fire in it. As the person came closer the chillness evaporated and a sudden warmth filled inside me. Pointing the sword towards me the person asked "Are you Doctor Edward Hunchback from Cambridge" I nodded. In this chilly weather I had beads of perspiration on my forehead, the eyes were so volcanic of emotions.
The person said "Follow me" and pointed me towards a way, I did as I was instructed and quietly followed. But instead of keeping pace with me the person sped up the horse, in no time the distance between us increased. After a few meters the person the person stopped and turned to see me, it had the same fierce intense look and I could sense that the person was mocking me. Although the face was covered I could feel the grin on his face and there has never been a time where I lost a horse race.
Even I sped up my horse and in no time we were in a neck to neck race, my nerves were rushed by warm blood. My breath was fast, my heart was pumping with all the adventure and uncertainty. This same feeling I had felt back a year ago. I felt as if I knew the person and its intentions. The fog started to thin and faintly I could see a manor, as close we came to the manor more the fog started to disappear. I could see a huge manor which was partially covered by ivy, the garden were filled by all the dead plants. We came near the front door of the house, we still were on our horses the person in front of me hoped down from his horse.
"So still a loser or want to show your power somewhere else".
Is it Jane?
She removed her hat and down came her magnificent red auburn hairs . The shine, the texture the wildness of hair was still there. Then she slowly opened her scarf and there was the beautiful face of my Jane. It didn't had its actual luster, her face was full of fake emotions. But her eyes were speaking the truth it had a rage, a fire in them. Jane was beautiful the last time when I had seen her, but now she was looking like a art and art is not beautiful, art is supposed to make you beautiful.
"Edward your habit of gawking me still hasn't gone" her voice brought me to my present, I said
"Cause you still haven't stopped looking beautiful"
Hearing this I could see tears in her eyes.
What has happened to my beautiful Jane?
And then from behind we heard a voice of a women
"Madame Jane Mr. Ripper is eagerly waiting for your presence"?
Jane said" Edward the stable is towards right and Mr. beck will show you your chosen suit" and she left.
The suit was splendid I never saw such fine luxuries anywhere, I heard the creak of door when I turned I saw jane standing at the door.
"Can i come in "?
"You never asked my permission before, why now" I replied
"When you are the mistress of the house and betrothed to someone"
"What was the reason to call me here" I asked
"Because I needed a friend "
"Why" I grunted and turned and turned towards her.
She had tears in her eyes "When did you learn to cry Jane" I asked by cupping her face. She kissed my inner hand leaving a cranberry tinge on my skin.
"You won't understand"
"Try me"
We both were sitting on the a couch, her head was in my shoulders and she was in my arms. She started to narrate
"My father was in a shipping business he had five lovely daughters I being the eldest. When he hit luck in the business he made this beautiful manor. So last year one day in my collage I got a letter commanding me to come home as soon as possible. I reached home where my father's funeral was being conducted. After the funeral when I asked my mother that how father met such a sudden end, she said that father died on a ship trip".
She stopped I could sense that how tough it was for her to narrate the whole thing for me.
"In his will he had written that to obtain his property one of his daughter had to marry his friend and business partner Henry Ripper, I had to marry soon but that didn't mean that you weren't in my memories."
There was heaviness in her voice
"I married his friend, because I respected my father's last wish"
"You could have at least write a letter to me Jane"
"How could I and what should I have told you That I'm married and Edward please forget me"
"Then why you wrote me now? What was the reason to call me here?"
She shifted her position and sat straight and turned her face towards me and said
"Cause I found out the truth"
"What truth" I asked
"About my fathers murder"
"But didn't your father" she cut my sentence and said
"The truth is he was murdered by my husband" she continued
"After my marriage my sisters and mother were staying in this mansion, but my husband didn't like their company so they moved out. In spite of his behavior and temper I tried to be a good wife, one day on a evening when he was drunk by alcohol and arrogance he blurt out his foul plan. How he pushed my father from deck, how he forged the will how much he hated my father, he spilled out everything"
She stopped mid sentence and violently started sobbing. My poor Jane, all helpless and disgusted upon her fate. I pulled her towards me, gently laying down her face on my chest and comforted her by running my fingers in her hairs.
Her fiery tears soaked my shirt and seeing her in such a condition even I couldn't stop my tears from ashtray. She stopped after sometime and continued
"I even couldn't kill him, because if I would then I would be the culprit and the truth would never come out. I want the truth out from his mouth in front of the society and when society turns against him and he would beg for forgiveness no one should show remorse to him"
I could see all her rage and anger in her tone. I said
"Jane do you remember what people used to say to you in college"
"That Jane is partner in crime of Edward"
"That's right because, I have a devious plan to provide you justice and to bring out the real culprit"
I saw a smile forming on her face and at this time it was for real...
AND THE SEQUEL WILL COME OUT SOON IF YOU ASK FOR IT. GIVE YOUR WOUNDERFUL COMMENTS FOR THIS STORY AND AND HIT THE LIKE BUTTON..
WRITE YES IF YOU WANT THE SEQUEL IN A NEXT PROMPT
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21 comments
Ya still did a pretty great job with this story like all of your other ones and I also really liked the names and how ya had been descriptive with some of the parts ^^ I still don't have a lot of advice that much because it wouldn't really be that good, so I would just agree with the others a little bit. I'm gonna say my own thing again though, you should still continue to write more stories on here, though only when you aren't busy or anything because you shouldn't write stories when your extremely busy or stressed. 10/10 :)
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Thankyou so much. New stories are coming soon.
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I liked this! The plot was very well written and I can tell you paid a lot of attention to detail in the setting! There are a few things I would recommend. Make sure you know when to use punctuation, it's very important in creating the tone of your sentence as well as making them grammatically correct. For example, you said "The winter is literally stinging my eyes it appears to be that the winds are carrying arrows with them." Instead, you need to include "The winter is literally stinging my eyes, it appears to be that the winds are carry...
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Thankyou for the feedback. Ya I'm getting stuck at the grammar part, do you have any suggestion on how to improve my grammar? even I wanted to increase the suspense but the story shouldn't feel bored so i kept it short
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No problem! Personally, I used to struggle with grammar and still do sometimes. My biggest suggestion would be to read a lot, any books that you think you would enjoy because a better reader makes a better writer! Also, looking over your stories and correcting your grammar would help as well, even if it is not going out to anyone, it'll help you. Also, I see what ya mean by that, I worry that my stories may seem boring to some if I make it too long.
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I loved it! Again mind your grammar and do a spell check once you finish writing. Read a lot of books. It helps. Sometimes even I tend to make silly errors. But overall nicely done.😊
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The comments have said it ALL. Lack of English knowledge is obvious. CRITIQUE CIRCLE
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If the comments have said it all, then you must not have said "THAT COMMENTS HAVE SAID IT ALL". And obviously, I know that my grammar is poor. I'm not lacking it.
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I loved the pacing in this story, everything was exciting right from the first line, which was a fantastic piece of description. Your overall story idea is great, and your dialogue is also really well done. The story is intriguing and after every sentence I want to know what happens next. Just a little tidbit: I love your use of present tense, and I think that was what you're going for, which you certainly captured well, but there are some parts where you switch to past tense, which is a very common problem. Trust me, it happens to me when...
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thankyou so much for your feedback. I will keep your points in my mind in my next story. You are my true friend. Love you and thankyou so much
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You're so welcome! I had your stories open and I was just waiting for school to finish so I could read them!
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AWW that's so cute. I really feel I have found a true friend.
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and by the way Inspired by you work, I'm writing my first same sex love story. Actually all the time I write heterosexual story, so I wanted to write something for a change. So I'm currently working on it.
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That's so great! I would love to read that from you. Diversity in writing is always great when it comes to relationships. When I was younger, the only thing I was exposed to was heterosexual relationships, which led to total ignorance towards the LGBT+ community, I just didn't understand what being gay meant. So that's why I think representation in media, especially for kids and teenagers is so important.
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WOULD YOU LIKE ITS SEQUEL?
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A sequel would be amazing!
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IT WILL BE SOON IN NEXT WEEKS PROPMT
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I have about the same feelings as Anna. The plot and characters are well done, presented in a real-feeling world that we can really picture. The only troubles I can see are the same ones Anna already pointed out; grammar, and a little bit of word choice. I take it English is not your first language? But yes, it seems to me that the best course of remedy would be to read a bunch of novels written in English. After a while, you pick up the instinctive grasp of basic grammar, word choice, and sentence structure. ;) What do you like to rea...
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I'm basically from India, so yes my first language is not English. Actually I used to read a lot of books, but since 2 years due to my studies my cycle of reading broke. I have once again begun to read some novels. Right now I'm reading "The sun is also a star"
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Nice. :)
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