Exotic Lovers of Animals

Everytime the dog licked someone's face it was gone. Worse than watching a car crash that was bound to happen. Worse than watching world leaders posture and threaten and shake their fragile nuclear weapons buttons.

Yes, the strange mountain dog would lick people right out of existence. He was so cute and fluffy (when he was groomed) it was as if the owner had gotten the last hound of Hades and was restocking the netherworld with crowds and former cat owners. Like dog lovers are so easy to hypnotize and so eager to get attention from strange mutts that they needed to be loved out of existance.

While sitting at a small cafe in Panama, two expatriots paused and consider this particular trait of the breed from Bern. One man, Gustavo, thought that the Bernese Mountain Dog had mutated his saliva secretion glands with a Brown Recluse Spider.

“You know how the Recluse will take off your arm?”

Gustavo pointed his stub so that Austino could pause and consider. He said, “That’s nothing. My aunt had a chihuahua who barked so loud that the head exploded.”

Gustavo imagined a picture that the little dog’s head exploded and thought it was very funny.

“No, no. It was the great shreik of the Chihuahua. It took away my uncle.”

This was grave news for Gustavo because he very much loved his own uncle. “Was your aunt very lonely after that? Did she have to buy a cat?”

Austino said that he couldn't remember but his family made him wear Noise Reduction Gunfire headgear every time the auntie came over. “She was very generous for Christmas.”

Gustavo waited for his friend to expand on the generosity of his aunt. “Did she buy you an electric bicycle?”

“No , no. Nothing like that. While all the other kids got Christmas socks and I knew that mine were hand sewn from the dog who killed my uncle.”

Austino waited because Gustavo wouldn't believe and then he took his feet out of his _mondole_ shoes and shook the sock around. “Go ahead and touch it. Feel the way a small dog can curdle to your body.” Austino brushed his fingers down the contour of his ankle to the arch on his foot.

Gustavo thought they must surely stink if Austino owned these socks since he was a child. He didn't want to touch them. He didn't want the feet anywhere near his mole’.

“Hey! Why don't you take your dog to the beach so that you can keep the skin stretchy and plush?” He hoped his friend would take the advice because it was going to be another equatorial heat day.

Austino paused and considered the problem with washing his socks. He started, “You know the very presence of the Chihuahua dog, wether dead and skinned or still alive – this brings forard the anger of the crocodile.”

Austino nodded with his espresso cup to show that it was true. This was more difficult to believe than Gustavo’s sister saying she had an American Shorthair tabby “attack cat.” who has ever heard of a nine pound predator? The things that these pet owners will believe was amazing.

“Come on. You bring your Chihuahua Sox, I'll bring my angelic dog, we’ll call all our relatives and have them bring their most exotic pets. Then we will rid the Gulf of crocodiles from Naples Florida to the great Orinoco. Tu sabe?”

Now the logistics of multiple Latino families and all their exotic pets meeting at the gates between the Pacific and Atlantic oceans took some time. Emails were sent out. A head count was desired because Austino wanted enough cerveza and Gustavo wanted to time the party with his sacred mother’s eighty year anniversary. The President of Panama had to get permission from Beijing so that no one feared a chAnge in management. The American consulate was warned that the party was a private affair and they would allow only one CIA agent but no machine guns this time.

The United Nations was asked to find the greatest boot maker in all the civilized world because Gustavo, Austino and their extended families were going to harvest hundreds of thousands of Gulf crocodiles using the scent of Austin's Chihuahua Sox and possibly allowing the mountain dog to lick them out of existence. There would be attack cats to spear the eyes of crocodiles in the claws. Mungo had a Tibetan Centipede which could grow larva in the crocodile’s jaw. There were buzzcocks which fought bear and a kangaroo with ten Title Knock Outs. There was a friendly penguin named Jarrod who could give the crocodile's lung cancer!

The entire troop was marching, their backpacks full of kibble and treats. The great Sorrentino of Argentina was sure he could wrestle his giant scorpion (named Jack) and bring him down to the canal to sting crocodiles into submission.

The American foot company called Nike wanted to make a new muck boot with a silhouette of a crocodile strung up by its tail. The shoes would be marketed to clam and muscle fishermen as the kings of the coast. Rayban even wanted to create a new frame honoring the crocodile killers who might lose their sunglasses (because sunglasses often fall when you are wrestling hundreds of pounds of lizard). Kellogg's had a new breakfast serial called 'No More Teeth' and was fortified with anti-cancer agents from the last fifty acres of Amazon rain forest.

The famous singer named Taylor Swift wrote a song about killing all the gators. She had to be reminded by the singer of They Might Be Giants that “A” is for America and Alligators but salt water “crocks” have nothing to do with Gatorade.

The people at Panda Express sent a private jet down to the scene. A chef with a beautiful large chef hat asked if might have “just a little…. Just a teeny tiny taste.” Then the chef asked if Gustavo and Austino decimated the crocodile species if they had a way of supply more wholesale food to eat?

**

The big day finally arrived and Grandma Ginny looked so royal in her cone hat that ESPN could not avoid commentating on a woman’s 80th birthday celebration which was rumored to be the reason for the massive crocodile extinction event. There were some Friends of Dinosaur protestors but the local Police made them sit next to Friends of the DoDo and other old world nostalgia lovers.

Las Vegas placed odds at 2,000 to nothing which meant that Gustavo, Austino, and all their family had to kill over 2,000 crocodiles or there would be a cartel agent waiting in their home to show his deep dissatisfaction. Also, there was to be no naming of the crocodiles and babies could not be taken home as pets.

Contestants drank their beer and someone had made the rule that two beers was enough but three beers meant you had to sober up on marlin tacos. Also, there was to be no belly aching if the pet failed and an owner got his hand or foot “stuck in the water.” This was a euphemism for saying that a family member could be killed or maimed by the giant mouth and outrageous speed of the the crocodile in water.

It was almost time and Austino rubbed his Chihuahua Sox to cause small bristles of hair to stand up and release the natural odor of the shrieking dog. All of nature likes to quiet a little dog and their very existence depends on the kindness of feminine people.

Jacky Chan?

So the GoPro underwater divers were safely placed thirty feet off-shore in shark resistant (not shark proof) defensive cages. A DJ from Honduras was set up with spinning vinyl disks and digital interpretations of restless people who hooted for the humans and booed for the armada of crocodiles. There were vendors with Styrofoam pencils because a biologist said he once stabbed a crocodile with a very long pencil. There were beer cozies, zulu garbed people with rhinoceros spears which had never cooked the flesh of a crocodile. There were veteran hunters from Australia which talked about bountiful years of hunting and skinning the crocodile but always leaving enough eggs for the next hunter. There were action figures from Mattel, Barbie and Ken on the bitten canoe with safari clothing and mosquito spray to fit in their action packed tool belt.

“Are you ready, my friend?”

Gustavo shook his arm stump which meant that he and his Angel of the Lord licking to non-existence dog were ready to get up close and person. Grandma Ginnie came over and gave Gustavo a great big kiss on the cheek. In case he should die... Austino waited for a relative to prompt him to courageous righteousness but most had exploded by the head before his auntie skinned the dog and made him socks.

There were cousin from Cuba with constricting snakes who resembled cigars. Some family had illegally left California and brought condors with needle beaks who had contacted a SARS virus and would take out the crocodile with their last blood platelets. There were orangutans who wanted to represent their south American brethren. These had fast pitch arms so developed that they could hurdle a stone at fifty yards right between the eyes of the crocodile.

Remarkable, none of the exotic pets were from the Jurassic period. Someone brought a mesolythic crustacean which was suppose to explode a shell as a grenade and then would quickly make a new shell out of any old beach trash. People paused and looked at Mario’s crustacean and asked if he threw his pet to explode inside the crocodile? Was it a Jonah Snail?

Grannie Ginnie was asked to blow out eighty candles and ESPN 2 wanted to ask there audience if she had wished for A.) to live to be 100? B.) more time with her pet talking tarantula named Stephanio C.) the ability to be pregnant like Sarah?

Nobody picked “C” because it takes great energy to chase young people and this woman was very religious. The correct answer was “B”.

“Ok my friend. I think we are ready. Put the Chihuahua Sox in the water now.”

Austino did not actually know how long it would take to call the herd of killer salt water lizards.. he expected that they might swim very fast if he had a live Chihuahua dog instead of very old sox. He also presumed the excuse of saying, “if this doesn't work right away I brought some chicken lizard from Chile.”

Now the _Basilisco chilote_ is the natural enemy of the crocodile because this beast is half dragon and half bird. It is more confusing than a Google article on T-Rex and people cannot say if it only semi-evolved but still confuses its fans and captors. They are most apt to say, “Which came first: the chicken or the lizard?”

These are not questions we ask in front of ESPN 3 or 4 but should be asked when the Joe Rogan reels pop up on YouTube. When natural history museums remember that the crocodile lived for ten million years and was brought down by a zoological sense of competition and bragging rights. Then, only then, will the memory of the crocodile be good and pure.