Grandpa Joe & His Tobacco

Grandpa Joe Willoughby was the best tobacco spitter in Oklahoma City. This is what my papa told me. He told me he was a hard man who loved his moonshine and his horses. But what my Grandpa loved the most was his participation in The Annual Tobacco Spitting Competition. They say he could shoot that stuff out his mouth fast and far. My papa told me he watched my grandpa kill a man in a local bar using his tobacco spitting technique. No, wait a minute, I’m sorry. Papa told me he killed three men in a bar using his tobacco spitting techniques. Hot damn! My Grandpa Willoughby was a hell of a man! Those three men in that bar did not understand who they were dealing with. They picked a fight with the world’s greatest tobacco spitting champion. And their foolishness put ‘em in an early grave.

Here’s mud in yer eye! That’s what my papa heard my Grandpa say to the last man who died. Papa told me my grandpa pulled a banjo out of nowhere and he started playing the banjo while doing a little jig after killing the three men. Everybody in the bar joined in with my grandpa and they danced with him. My papa said it was like watching a redneck version of Hamilton. They even started singing along with my grandpa’s banjo. Even the dogs in the neighborhood were howling along with my grandpa. My papa told me he played all night while marching down the street with a crowd behind him. Wild dogs joined my grandpa in the street and they danced on all fours to the sweet sound of Grandpa Willoughby’s banjo music. 

Hot damn! My grandpa was a hell of a man! Nobody! I mean nobody could spit tobacco as far as he could! Many men and women challenged my grandpa at the tobacco spitting tournaments, and they would lose and walk away crying like little boys and girls. 

An old lady tried to cheat while competing against my grandpa. She attached a miniature airgun to her dentures. You see, when she’d stick the tobacco in her mouth, she’d really be stickin’ it inside the tiny airgun attached to her dentures. So she had a tiny airgun in her mouth and she’d pull the trigger using a remote control. The airgun would help her spit the tobacco further. That slick old woman thought she could double cross my grandpa until that airgun backfired on her dumb ass! They had to drag her ass to the hospital after her airgun blew up in her mouth. That little son of a bitch malfunctioned on her. It blew her dentures out of her mouth and her dentures went sailing across the sky. That airgun also blew a few other things out of that old lady’s mouth. I saw what happened to her and it gave me nightmares for a month. 

She was a pretty old lady, just stupid. She thought she could cheat against my grandpa. Of course, my grandpa won the tournament by default. If you win the tournament, you get a free pig. Hell, my grandpa cooked twenty years' worth of bacon. Poor pigs. They didn’t know what was coming to ‘em.

One day I’m gonna win me one of those pigs just like my Grandpa Willoughby. I’ve been practicing my tobacco spitting and I’m getting pretty good at it. This is a family tradition and I plan to carry on grandpa’s legacy. Besides the tobacco spitting, I’ve been learning how to play the Banjo. I auditioned for American Idol a year ago. I’ll never forget the looks on the judges’ faces when I started playing. I think they liked my playing even though they kicked me off the show in the first round. Oh, what the hell! Some folks don’t know what good music is these days.

Well anyway, I plan to attend the tobacco spitting tournament tomorrow. I’ll be following in my grandpa’s footsteps. Sometimes I practice by playing the banjo and spitting tobacco at the same time. It’s a great way to multitask. Last week, me and the boys had a party and we drank a lot of moonshine. I drank some beers too and I pissed a lot. It was at night and I went to the outhouse to take a leak. After I got through using the bathroom, this bright light came down from the night sky and hit me in the face. 

I was extremely drunk that night, so I’m not sure if what happened to me was real. There was this metal ship, and it had the shape of a giant pancake. This greenish light came out of it, and it landed on me like a spotlight. Next thing I know, I’m levitating in the air. I saw these little guys with gray skin. They had big black eyes and big foreheads. They talked kinda funny. They were some mean little bastards. They kept trying to poke me in my butt with this metal rod. I remembered having clothes on before I went into the ship, and those little bastards stripped me naked within a blink of an eye.

I was buck naked, but amazingly I had my banjo with me. I must’ve been so drunk that I didn’t know I had it. Those little bastards were naked themselves. They looked like gray skinned, little toddlers running around me with instruments in their hands. I couldn’t believe it, but I saw my Grandpa Willoughby, and those little bastards stole his clothes. I loved my grandpa, but it felt damn weird hugging a naked old man while drunk. 

Me and Grandpa Willoughby had to escape from the little bastards. I had my wife and my little girl to get back to, and my grandpa had to get back to my grandma and his horses. So we fought our way out of the ship. Grandpa Willoughby had his tobacco, and I had the banjo. Those little bastards wanted to kill us, but we killed them. Grandpa knocked a few of them out with his tobacco. When I started playing the banjo, one little bastard got down on his knees and he begged me to stop. That little bastard was crying like a wuss. Can you believe that? I think he was the leader and I told him to let me and my grandpa off the ship or I was gonna keep playing. He quickly obliged me. Before they released me and my grandpa, I grabbed one of those little bastards and I spanked him for trying to poke me in my ass with a metal rod. He was crying and apologizing. He also gave us back our clothes. We left the ship and I had my grandpa’s banjo and my grandpa had his tobacco. Those little gray bastards feared us that night. 

My grandpa and I watched as the pancake ship went back up into the night sky. We felt proud of ourselves. We were two kings that night. After we watched the ship leave, my Grandpa Willoughby turned to me and he said, no little alien son of a bitch is gonna mess with the grandson of the world’s greatest tobacco spitter. My grandpa dropped dead after he said that to me. I guess getting abducted by those little bastards traumatized him and he died from the shock. That’s when I knew that I had to make my grandpa proud at the tournament. I’m gonna carry on his legacy and be the world’s greatest banjo playin’ and tobacco spittin’ cowboy from Oklahoma City. Look out, here I come!! Hot damn!!