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Contemporary Romance Funny

If it weren’t for the taxi cab jumping the curb, Evelyn might never had met him. His steadying presence saved her from falling onto the cold concrete of the uncaring sidewalk.


“Oh, pardon me!” she said, her hand flattening against him as she regained her footing.


He regarded her placidly.


She withdrew her hand, blushing slightly, leaving a smear of mustard on his sleek limestone-colored coat.


“That will never do, let me wipe it up. I’ve got a napkin here somewhere, just a moment. I don’t suppose you could hold my hot dog for a minute?” Evelyn said as she tried to open her purse with one hand, balancing the half-eaten hot dog in the other.


“No, of course not, you’d only get more mustard on you! How silly of me. Oh here we go, voilà, I found the napkin,” she said, as she wiped at the yellow stain.


She admired his elegant frame as she brushed the napkin against him, but dared not look up from her task, fearing his imposing height would make her swoon.


“Hey lady, are yuh okay, or what?” asked the hot dog vendor, who was watching from across the street.


“What? Yes, yes, I’m fine. I’m just helping my friend here, I’ve managed to get mustard on him. Ha ha. So clumsy of me.”


“Your friend?....Ah, okay, whatevah floats your boat, lady,” he said. “Hot dogs, get yah delicious new yawhk hot dogs here!”


“I hope you don’t mind me calling you my friend,” she whispered, “I know we’ve only just met. That hot dog guy, he was just so, so nosy, you know?


If he was offended by her familiarity, he revealed nothing.


“I, uh, I usually don’t do this kind of thing,” Evelyn said. “But I’d…I’d like to see you again."


She pressed her palm against him gently, leaning closer. “Meet me here tonight. Eight o’clock,” she laughed as she walked backwards a few steps, her eyes lingering for a few moments more, before turning on her heels and striding away.


Back in the hotel room, she changed into her red dress, the one with the sweetheart neckline and the pleated crepe skirt that fanned out beneath the cinched waistline. She twirled in the full-length mirror, pleased with the reflection. On the thirteen-hour bus ride from Meadville, Pennsylvania she’d had plenty of time to plan. She was determined she would not be single for another Valentine’s Day.


Opening up her journal, she reviewed the characteristics she wanted in her ideal partner. ‘Strong, silent. Elegant and reserved, but solid and reliable.’ She picked up the pen and added ‘tall’ to the list. Evelyn was a strong believer in the power of positive thinking. The more clearly she pictured something happening, the more likely it was to happen.


Her phone rang. She looked at the screen, saw who was calling, and went back to styling her hair. A few moments later her phone chirped with the arrival of a text message. Evelyn scanned it quickly.


Doctor Marsh: Are you okay? You missed your appointment today.


She considered ignoring it, but worried what the Doc would do if she didn’t respond. She hit the redial button and waited.


“Evelyn, thanks for calling back. Are you alright?” Dr. Marsh asked.


“All good.”


“Where are you?”


“New York City. I wanted to get away for a few days.”


“I see. Are you with anyone, or..?”


“No, I wanted to be on my own.”


“When are you coming back?”


“I’ve got a hotel room for another night. But I’ve met someone special, and if everything goes the way I’ve pictured it, I might stay longer,” Evelyn said, tucking an auburn strand of hair behind her ear.


“What’s the name of this special someone?”


“We didn’t bother with exchanging names, our connection went much deeper than that.”


“Evelyn…”


“I’m seeing him tonight. He’s famous you know.”


“How is he famous?”


“Oh, Dr. Marsh, I’m sure even you would recognize him from the movies. Anytime they film something in New York, they ask him to be in it. He towers over all others, except for those gaudy twin brothers, but they’ve bowed out now, and he’s back in the limelight.”


“Evelyn, we’ve discussed this—”


“Just because you think I have a problem, doesn’t mean I have one.”


“You’re still on parole. You’re not meant to leave Pennsylvania. If you make a scene again, you can be arrested.”


“The perverts who were watching that night, they're the one who ought to have been arrested, not me! We waited until the town square was empty, until everyone had gone home for the night, before we shared an intimate, romantic moment, like millions of couples do!"


“Okay, okay, Evelyn...You’re meeting this special someone tonight? Is it a first date?”


“Yes.”


“So, no harm in taking it slow, right. Getting to know each other, building trust—”


“I won’t be controlled by the patriarchy, Dr. Marsh," Evelyn said, hanging up swiftly.


Outside in the cool evening air, Evelyn took a deep breath and applied another layer of her favorite lipstick, Firehouse Red, before rounding the corner. She smiled when she saw him, standing where they’d first met.


“Hiya, handsome,” she breathed, “Fancy meeting you here.”


She gazed at his fine form approvingly. “You look nice. With or without condiments,” she said, playfully tracing a heart over the space where she’d spilled the mustard. “A bit shy, are you?” she said as she unbuttoned the top button on her dress and licked her lips. “That’s alright, I don’t mind making the first move.”


Two police officers approached her quietly.


“That has to be her right?” Officer Heinz said.


“Yeah, her doctor thought she might be here tonight. Here or the Chrysler Building.” Officer Melon replied. 


“What do you think she’s doing?” Heinz asked. “You ever seen anything like it?”


“Nope, but I looked it up on Wikipedia. There was a woman who married the Eiffel Tower.”


“What the f—”


“What’s wrong wit’ her?” the hot dog hawker asked. “She was actin’ funny earlier today.”


“Evening, Tony," Officer Melon responded, recognizing the hawker. "She has some mental health issues. Objectophilia, to be precise.”


“Objecto wha?” Tony asked.


“It’s what happens when someone is uh, romantically attracted to an inanimate object." Officer Melon explained. "In this case," she said, waving her hand in the direction of the skyscraper, “the Empire State Building.”


“Sweet baby Jesus on a pogo stick," Tony said, shaking his head.


As the police led Evelyn away, she gazed longingly toward the façade, glinting in the streetlights, and shouted, "Wait for me!”


He regarded her, resolute and silent, unable to respond. A perfect lipstick kiss, the last reminder of their first date, pressed with affection onto his granite face.


February 13, 2021 21:05

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37 comments

Christina Marie
23:46 Feb 13, 2021

Such a fun take on the prompt! I was imagining a man wearing truly horribly colored coat at the start. And I like the title - a hint but not a giveaway :) Great job!

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H L McQuaid
12:00 Feb 14, 2021

Thanks, Christina! That would be a dire colour for a coat, haha. Thanks for reading and commenting. :)

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Frances Reine
21:33 Feb 13, 2021

Hm, this week's post is a little different. It's much more colourful whereas before it was stricter but lucid. I love it. The accent, the dialogue--can't get enough of it. And how you so subtly peeled apart clues... I can't explain it. The last line... just perfect. I've read it and reread it. Also, I like the title. I'm not good with those, haha. No specific critique this week actually. Definitely enjoyed this :) (Heinz is a ketchup brand, I think? Because if Officer Heinz was intentional that's a super cute detail.)

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H L McQuaid
21:44 Feb 13, 2021

Hi Frances! As someone who dreads Valentine's Day and gets queasy at the thought of writing something 'romantic', I opted for absurd. Glad you liked the dialogue and the accent (not sure I got it right, but..) as well as the clues that (subtly?) signpost the reveal. And nice catch with Officer Heinz--which is indeed, famous for its ketchup. Maybe the other one should be "Officer Frenches" or "Officer Poupon" ahahaha. ah. The last line, yeah, I played with the sentence structure a few different ways until I got it where I wanted. Jazzed t...

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Frances Reine
22:34 Feb 13, 2021

AhHA--so Officer Heinz was as I assumed. "Officer Poupon" would be perfect, haha. Yes, I've been working on something for this week. I think if I don't worry too much it'll be out on Monday. Or it could be earlier. Latest is Monday for sure :)

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H L McQuaid
22:40 Feb 13, 2021

Great, something for me to look forward to. :)

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H L McQuaid
21:07 Feb 13, 2021

Okay, I'm not much for traditional romance, but we all love in different ways. ;) Also, I'm looking for a better title, if anyone has any ideas. The first was 'Empire State' and now I'm trying 'Building love.'

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Kristin Neubauer
16:35 Feb 21, 2021

I am late again, but so glad I finally got to reading. This was so original and clever! Never in a million years would I have predicted the end. I was intrigued as the story developed. I could tell that something was not quite right - as I gather you intended - but I couldn't figure out what was going on. Loved it! I will be off the grid ref writing for the next two weeks as the paper assignments are piling on. But I will keep reading and hopefully won't be so late next time. Moving onto your other one!

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H L McQuaid
16:53 Feb 21, 2021

Thanks so much, Kristin. I really appreciate you taking the time to read and comment, especially when you have a lot other stuff going on! I'm glad the mystery 'man' was a surprising reveal, and that you liked the story. Good luck over the next few weeks with the ref writing!

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Nainika Gupta
16:27 Feb 17, 2021

omahhhhgawd. “Sweet baby Jesus on a pogo stick," Tony said, shaking his head. AHHHH i love it...absolutely love it. An amazing take on the prompt, and I was NOT expecting that ending oml. aahhah

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H L McQuaid
16:31 Feb 17, 2021

Thanks, Nainika. I didn't want to give too many overt clues about Evelyn's love-interest, so I'm glad the ending was a surprise.

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Nainika Gupta
16:44 Feb 17, 2021

aha it certainly was loll

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K. Antonio
23:12 Feb 15, 2021

I loved how humorous I found this. This is so not what I thought of when I read this prompt, so I'm glad it stands out. I loved the cues, I caught on really quickly that she was a loon xD. This was great and comical, the dialogue was spot on and personal to each individual character. Really well developed main character. This is very memorable!

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H L McQuaid
17:34 Feb 16, 2021

Thanks, K! Yeah, I really didn't want to do a typical romance story, so tried to think of something unusual. Glad you liked it. If you ever visit NYC, be sure to give the Empire State Building some love. ;)

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Holly Fister
21:10 Mar 06, 2021

I had a feeling she was crazy from the beginning, and this was fun to read! A very unique first date haha!

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H L McQuaid
21:13 Mar 06, 2021

She definitely has an unconventional idea of romance. ;) thanks for reading and commenting.

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Thom With An H
20:41 Mar 06, 2021

I have to admit I was on to her pretty early on. The hot dog vendors comment was a dead give away. That being said your style and skill are phenomenal. You seem to have mastered the art of showing not telling, a skill I lack, and it made your story so much better. I tried to accept your challenge to find a better title but think yours is perfect already. It was so subdued it felt almost titleless until you finish the story and discover it was the perfect clue for a twist ending. I’d like to take you up on your offer to comment for a commen...

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H L McQuaid
20:50 Mar 06, 2021

Hi Thom! Nice to Reedsy meet ya. Yeah, there are a few clues that Evelyn is um, quirky shall we say. You're probably like me, always looking for the clues when we read a story, trying to anticipate what the twist might be. ;) I'd be delighted to read the story you've nominated. I'll have time for that tomorrow. And thanks so much for reading and commenting. I've been working on the 'showing not telling' side of things, so I'm pleased I'm making progress. :)

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Ellie Onka
14:18 Feb 26, 2021

Hahaha, I loved this story! It's brilliant and humorous. I truly was wondering whether the "man" Evelyn bumped into was either oddly silent or mute. I was also picturing, like Christina, that this man had a horrible taste in clothing, some sort of tweed-yellow coat and stand-offish face to compliment it lol. I was shocked at the twist, and man, it was so great! I am sure this is a first date that would be hard to forget–accidentally bumping into your true love, who is an inanimate object, before being taken away by the cops. I also loved th...

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H L McQuaid
14:43 Feb 27, 2021

Thanks so much, Ellie! And the title was meant to change meaning after you've read the story. Before reading it, most people will think it's about 'constructing' love, but after reading it, people should (hopefully) see it as 'in love with a building'. That's the cleverness of gerunds, for you. :)

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Ash Jarvis
21:32 Feb 19, 2021

Wow, l loved the twist to this one, and the hints you dropped—“building trust”, “firehouse red” lipstick—were really clever. And “sweet baby Jesus on a pogo stick”—that’s some A+ profanity. I enjoyed the hot dog seller’s accent, but at times it was a little distracting. Rereading it, I was getting hung up on the ‘uh’ sounds, as in “What’s wrong wit’huh?” It doesn’t seem to be bothering anyone else, though, so it’s probably just my brain’s midwestern accent ;) My only other critique would be to suggest keeping everybody at one name each in ...

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H L McQuaid
22:07 Feb 19, 2021

Hi Ash, Thanks very much for the comments. I'm so glad you picked up on the little hints (esp the firehouse red lipstick). I was iffy about the accent to begin with, so if there's time, I'll see if I can tone it down. And went back and forth on whether the police officers would refer to each other with their first or last names. I'll see if I can get away with just their surnames. Thanks again! :)

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Beth Connor
17:29 Feb 18, 2021

Heather, I love this one! So many creative little details. I'm so relieved to find I'm not the only one that struggles with writing sappy romance. I think the hot dog hawker was my favorite- I had to read some of his stuff out loud!

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H L McQuaid
18:05 Feb 18, 2021

Thanks, Beth! yeah, big thumbs down on sappy romance. boo,boo! ahha. I'm not sure I got the Brooklyn accent right, but glad you liked it. :)

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Tom .
23:22 Feb 17, 2021

This was very entertaining, sorry no critique. It was short, succinct and to the point. Good Job.

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H L McQuaid
10:34 Feb 18, 2021

Thanks for reading and commenting. I'm not worried about getting a critique if you enjoyed it, that's good feedback too!

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Nancy Drayce
20:49 Feb 16, 2021

Such an interesting story! The twist was really surprising and quirky (in a good way). Great take on the prompt. I enjoyed reading it 🥰

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H L McQuaid
16:29 Feb 17, 2021

Thanks Nancy! I'm really glad you enjoyed it, and I appreciate the comment. ;)

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David G.
15:32 Feb 16, 2021

Well done. I was wondering why he wasn't saying anything when she first bumps into him. It's a nice twist. I'd initially wanted to say that I need to write some lighter stuff like this, but it's actually a pretty sad story.

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H L McQuaid
15:56 Feb 16, 2021

Thanks, David! It was a challenge, thinking of ways that he could 'respond' to her, and how to describe him without making him sound like a building (too much). Hmm. I didn't necessarily think it was sad, so that's an interesting take. At least she's getting treatment for her condition and so as long as she can keep her liaisons to PG-13, she should be able to do as she likes. :)

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David G.
18:39 Feb 16, 2021

That is a tricky one. I could imagine that if she stepped through the front door that that could be a “warm embrace,” especially if it’s a cold day. To me, there was sadness in her traveling 13 hours on a bus because of her delusions. But you’re right; she’s getting help. So there’s hope!

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H L McQuaid
18:51 Feb 16, 2021

Oh, I hadn't thought about her going inside. That would have opened up a few more possibilities. :)

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Zelda C. Thorne
14:09 Feb 15, 2021

I liked this! Very original and funny. I did think that he was going to be a statue not an entire building! Loved the little clues. Officer Heinz lol

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H L McQuaid
14:15 Feb 15, 2021

Thanks, Rachel! During my research I did find a word for being attracted to statues, mannequins, or dolls: Agalmatophilia Part of the story was based on a trip to NYC when I wiped some mustard on the Empire State Building..but I did not ask it out on a date. ;)

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Zelda C. Thorne
16:06 Feb 15, 2021

Brilliant 😂

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Claire Lindsey
20:47 Feb 14, 2021

I loved this! “I won’t be controlled by the patriarchy” cracked me up. Evelyn’s character is so interesting, even before knowing about her... unique ideas about love. I really thought the reveal would be that he was some sort of storefront mannequin or statue, but this was so much better than expected. I liked the off-color take on the valentines prompts. I’m not much for romance either. Well done!

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H L McQuaid
10:30 Feb 15, 2021

Ha, thanks Claire! Yeah, I was convinced I was not going to write a story this week, because 'Valentines Day.' And then I thought, I'll ONLY write a story if I can think of an absurd plot. Turns out that people do fall in love with buildings, so, what do I know? :)

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