All Time Loki Part I: The Insufferable Introduction

(Quick Note: These are not the actual myths. These are rewritten by moi, and probably not that mythologically accurate. Everything after how Loki got into trouble is a reworking. Carry on) 

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I used to be a god.

But was I ever a god, really? 

You modern humans mistake me for a god, but in truth, I am half god. No, that does not mean I’m a demigod. It means that I am half giant. Ha! Grovel, human.

What? Why are you not groveling?

Fine, let me tell you about my demise. My fall to earth from the heavens.

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It all started with Baldur. That insufferable god.

Baldur was the god of light, joy, purity, blah blah blah. Who cares? He was Mr. Perfect, and I was tired of it. 

Mr. Perfect had been having horrible nightmares, foretelling his death.

And so when Frigga heard of these nightmares, she went across the Nine Realms, enacting a promise from every being, plant, and element, that they would not kill her son. 

After Frigga returned to Asgard after gathering her promises, we had a feast, and tested the god’s immunity. Spears, nor arrows, nor swords, nor axes could touch him.

But then I had an idea. I snuck away and turned into an old woman. I walked up to Frigga, who was enjoying herself greatly, seeing she had succeeded. 

“You got a promise from everything?” I asked. “Everything? That must have been difficult.”

She laughed. “Well, not everything. Mistletoe. But what will mistletoe do to hurt my Baldur?”

I quickly ended the conversation and crept away. I went out into the night, and found mistletoe. A weed, for sure, but I just didn’t want them to have this victory.

I hid the mistletoe in my cloak and went back inside, biding my time. Then I saw Hodr, poor, blind, weaponless Hodr. And I had an idea.

I fashioned an arrow from the mistletoe and grabbed a bow. I asked Hodr if he wanted to participate.

I guided his aim with the arrow, and he let it fly.

The mistletoe sunk into Baldur’s chest, instantly killing him. I got out of there before I was blamed.

Hermod, a brother of Baldur’s, borrowed Sleipnir, Odin’s eight-legged horse, and rode to Hel. Hel, the goddess of death, told him that he could have Baldur’s soul if he could prove everything wept for his death. He agreed and ventured back.

He got a declaration of love for Baldur from almost everything, but I turned into a giant. He begged and begged, but I would not shed a tear for Baldur.

He started to mourn Baldur for a second time. I laughed, a mighty bellow.

Mistake.

He heard my laugh, which was known throughout the Nine Realms. 

He ran towards me, and I turned into a fish to get away. And I would have, if it wasn’t for Thor.

Thor and Hermod dragged me back to Asgard, where Odin gave me my punishment. The last thing I remember seeing was his disappointed face, looking down at me as I knelt.

Then, nothing.

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I woke up falling.

“Aaaaaaah!” I screamed. 

Why was my voice that high?

I landed in the ocean with a sploosh. I sank downwards, disoriented.

Where was I?

I swam upwards, breaking through the surface. Hills surrounded me. I turned, and there was a big red bridge.

I didn’t fall into the ocean, I fell into a bay.

San Francisco.

A boat came past and then stopped at an idle.

“Hey, kid. Do you need a ride?” Some mortal on the boat called down.

Kid? Kid? KID?

“I am no child!” I shouted. “I am the god Loki! I need help from no mortal!”

The captain gazed down at me. “Okaaay. Have a nice day, then, Mister Loki.”

He steered the boat away. Did mortals no longer fear the gods?

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After I got out of the bay, I ran into the first public toilet I saw. 

Oh. My. Me.

I was...young.

And not in a good way, mind you.

I was maybe fifteen or sixteen years old, and my hair was black and scruffy in a skaters cut (I think that's what you mortals call it). My eyes flashed as blue as the bay.

“No no no.” I murmured. “This isn’t possible.”

I examined my face closer in the mirror.

And, oh, the horrors.

“Odin, I’ll get you back for this.” I mumbled as I poked pimples and acne scars.

Then I noticed: a backpack had appeared on my shoulder.

I swung it off and dug through it. A dagger, some clothes, some enchanted mead. First aid. The essentials.

I walked out into the sunshine. It was too bright.

I put my hand up to shield my eyes. That's why I didn’t see her coming.

A girl with frizzy, straight, brown hair and glasses tackled me. None of the park goers seemed to notice.

“Who are you? What are you doing in my city?” She growled, placing a dagger up to my throat.

“Get. Off. Me. Mortal. You. Don’t. Know. What. You’re. Dealing. With.”

“Okay, Artemis Fowl. And why should I?”

“I. Am. Immortal. All. Powerful.”

She looked me up and down. “Uh, huh.”

“I’m. Serious. Feel. My. Wrath!”

Nothing happened.

“Real impressive, bud. What’s your name? I feel pity for you, so I may not kill you. Yet.”

“LOKI!” I tried to yell, just like I used to, to strike fear in the hearts of my enemies. It came out as a strangled choke.

She instantly paled, nonetheless. I still had it.

“Oma...she was right.” She muttered.

She eased her dagger a little off my neck. “Get up.”

“You don’t tell me what to do, human!”

“I’m not human.” She said, with a glare. “Not completely, anyway.”

“Oh? And?”

“I’m a demigod, idiot. Get up.”

“And who’s your godly parent, might I ask? You seem like a Tyr kid. Or perhaps Thor?”

“No. It doesn’t matter. Stand up. Before I make you.”

“And just how will you do that?”

She closed her eyes.

Suddenly, my back felt wet. I was pushed up, maintaining a wet feeling. Then, a wave came over my head, dousing me head to toe.

“That's how.”

“You’re an Njord kid? Or Ran?”

“Think bigger, idiot. Anyway, I’m Cailen. You are coming with me.”

She led me to the sea. “This is the fastest way.”

“To where?” 

“Doesn’t matter.”

She jumped to the sea, pulling me with her.

End of Part One