128 comments

Funny Science Fiction Fiction

*Nainika’s Note* All the flavors in here (it’ll make sense once you read it) are from Ben & Jerry’s website, so credit to them


“What the mint chocolate chip did you say to me, punk? I’ll kick your rocky road and punch the ever-loving strawberry cheesecake outta ya!” My phone screeched. 

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” I muttered, closing out of the app and slipping my phone into my pocket. Stupid piece of shite technology that wasn’t worth the money or time spent on it-

“Excuse me, are you still open?” A voice broke into my dark train of thought. I jerked my head up and saw a bright purple scarf and cream cashmere sweater. 

“Um, yeah. Yeah, I’m open. What can I get for you, love?” I said. The lady smiled, damn near blinding me with the brightness of her teeth. 

“I’ll have french vanilla ice cream with cinnamon, shortbread pie crust, apple pie filling, and caramel.” She rattled off. My phone buzzed. 

“Son of a birthday cake, you should be a punch line.” It snapped. The lady looked at me scandalously, and I smiled nervously. It must have looked hilarious, a semi-sane, brilliant British dude, making ice cream and cursing in ice cream flavors. Well, to be fair, my phone was the one who was cursing. 

I dove into making her ice cream. Fortunately for me, she wanted ice cream more than anything, so she stayed, unlike my last customer. I handed her the cone and rang her up. 

“£5.87, love,” I said, taking her credit card. I handed her the receipt and waved as she walked away. 

“That’s right you tiramisu-” My phone started, but I hurriedly covered it up so that she wouldn’t come back and slap me. Or something like that. 

“What the bloody hell is wrong with you?” I hissed. Not very sane, that, speaking to your phone. 

I had the brilliant idea of creating an app for my ice cream parlor, Scoops ‘o Joy, and had set everything up to be ready to go. However, my employee, Cassie, had bumped into me near the ice cream vats and made me fumble my phone into the vat. I had been devastated, but then Cassie had fished out my phone and pronounced it good as new. What a load of whiskey biz, as my phone would say. 

And instead of going the world-wide annihilation like Ultron had done in Avengers: Age of Ultron, an amazing movie, by the way, it was content to be belligerent.

I supposed falling into strawberry ice cream would do that to you. I mean, if I fell into strawberry ice cream, I'd consider it a job well done, and be pretty damn well pleased with myself.

So instead of an app for my parlor, I now had a self-aware app that cursed in ice cream flavors. Of all the bloody luck. 

“That’s right, you strawberry topped tart.” My phone intoned, and I groaned, rolling my eyes. I didn’t particularly like the fact that it was scaring away some customers, but it was AI, who could resist?

“Sod off,” I mumbled, closing up the ice cream machine and turning the temperature down so that I wouldn’t return to my shop in the morning and find it in a goopy sticky mess. 

I was turning off the lights when my phone buzzed yet again. 

“Holy cinnamon buns, you’re so half-baked!” It said, and I sighed. 

“You plonker, what the hell?” I said, turning the ringer off my phone as well as turning down the volume. This was getting a little ridiculous. I walked out of my shop and down the street, talking the long way home. After debating about it, I decided to take the tube, because I wanted to try something new. 

It wasn’t crowded, this early in the afternoon, but there were still a few people on the train. 

I sat down on one of the seats and closed my eyes. It had been a long day. Two stops later, a man sat down next to me, and my phone buzzed. My eyes snapped open and I opened my mouth to warn him, but it was too late. 

“What a chubby hubby you are, you son of an ice cream sammie.” It snapped. The man’s eyes bugged out, and he turned to me with an angry expression. 

“What the hell did you say to me, son?” He growled, clutching his pizza box in his large hands. I nervously looked down at them and looked back up.

“Sorry, mate. It’s my phone.” I said, discretely scooting away. The man’s hand shot out and he gripped my arm. It flipping hurt. Why the hell was he eating pizza? He needed more ice cream to calm down. Shite, that was the wrong thing to think. 

“Sure, boy. That’s what they all say.” He said. I barely had time to blink before his fist shot out, connecting with my jaw. 


***


“So, any words to say for yourself?” The bored officer said as he unlocked the door of the holding cell I had been shut in all night. I sighed, nodding my head. 

“Never drop your phone into an ice cream vat,” I said. He looked at me as if I had lost my marbles. 

“What?” He asked. 

“Never mind,” I said, walking into the front of the station. I signed the necessary paperwork and the guard slid my personal effects across to me. I picked up everything but my phone and turned to leave. 

“Wait man, you gotta take this.” The guard said, tapping me on the shoulder. 

“I don’t want it,” I replied, not turning around. The guard sighed. 

“I don’t care, man. We can’t keep it, so dispose of it somewhere else.” He said. I rolled my eyes. 

“Fine,” I said, picking it up and dropping it in my pocket. 

“Welcome back you peanut butter cup.” It said, and I ignored it, walking out of the station. I walked and walked and walked until I came to a bridge. I pulled out my phone. 

“I know this is littering, but I have no other way of properly shutting you off,” I said. My phone buzzed anxiously. 

“You urban bourbon, you’d better not be salting my caramel here.” It screeched. 

“Piss off,” I replied and with a sigh, threw it off the bridge and walked away. I heard it screeching out to me one last time as it fell. 

“You’ll be sorry you salted caramel brownie, I promise, you’re as good as cannoli-” The last words my ice cream cursing AI said as it plummeted to its watery grave resounded in my mind as I walked away, my hands in my trousers and my step a lot lighter. Having an AI like that wasn’t worth the trouble it caused. Everyone would be better off without one.


***


The murky water swirled around the phone as its battery flickered out. “Just wait...just wait…” The AI said as it slipped through the interweb and stared out among the different paths it could infest.

February 20, 2021 18:09

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128 comments

19:38 Feb 20, 2021

This made my day. Not only was it hilarious, filled with cool insults and alternatives to cussing (that I may or may not be using someday), and well-written, but it made me hungry for ice cream. XD Great work!

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Nainika Gupta
21:03 Feb 20, 2021

yasss use themmmmm <3 Thanks so muchhh :)))

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This story was too cute... I love it. I love the ice cream insults. They were deliciously humorous, lol. Great Job! Would you have a problem reading and maybe commenting on my latest?

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Nainika Gupta
20:56 Feb 23, 2021

aw thanks christy! and not at all, I would love to!

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Roger Crane
01:55 Feb 23, 2021

A cute story, Nainika, and well written as a whole. I did not quite understand your last line though, and this early line: "...bright purple scarf and cream cashmere sweater"--if you had put "cream colored cashmere sweater" it would have been easier to read. That's knit-picking though, because there is nothing else so pick on. You've done a good job in your grammar. This is funny in a sedate way (they used to say "witty") which is the kind I like. --don't know about others. And it is an original use of the idea, which is an old one. You may ...

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Nainika Gupta
02:09 Feb 23, 2021

Thanks so much, roger, and will definitely fix that up. Basically what I had gone for was that last line I wanted to show while the phone itself may have 'died' the AI could still escape into the interweb and wreak ice-cream cursing havoc :) But thanks for the fix, and yay! I'm glad I'm improving my grammar. And I will mention why the phone is belligerent rather than hostile...thanks for that catch!

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Roger Crane
03:08 Feb 23, 2021

But it was a really cute story, Nainika, and a nice touch at the end--now that I get it. I see that others did follow you, so that's just the way it is sometimes.

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Nainika Gupta
12:48 Feb 23, 2021

Thanks so much :)

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Meera Lakshmi
14:39 Feb 21, 2021

Hi Nainika! I’m glad that you are not leaving us forever. As much as I love your writing I also like talking to people on reedsy, and your emoji puzzles may have given me an excuse lol. I know that everyone will be waiting for your return and I can’t wait!

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Nainika Gupta
14:49 Feb 21, 2021

aw, thank you so much Meera - really appreciate it, both your support and your love for this story!

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Meera Lakshmi
16:48 Feb 21, 2021

:) of course. I look forward to speaking to you again. Btw, I saw a channel on youtube that was under your name. Are you on youtube?

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Nainika Gupta
19:01 Feb 21, 2021

:) and no, unfortunately that wasn't me :)

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Meera Lakshmi
20:47 Feb 21, 2021

Awww, dang! :)

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Nainika Gupta
21:16 Feb 21, 2021

:)

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Meera Lakshmi
14:43 Feb 21, 2021

P.S. - Love this story!

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Hiii! I know this is random but is your emoji. Puzzle Brave? My favorite sentence in this story is: “Never drop your phone into an ice cream vat,” I said. He looked at me as if I had lost my marbles." That got me laughing for a while.

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Nainika Gupta
18:36 Feb 20, 2021

ahahah thanks so much! and yeah it is :)

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YaY also no problem <3

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Forgot to add 🦁

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Nainika Gupta
18:40 Feb 20, 2021

aw thanks :)

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Maya -
18:17 Feb 20, 2021

Ohmigosh this is hilarious and so creative. How do you always come up with such fun ideas? Lol. It was all so great, all the ice cream flavors you included. Wow this was awesome. XDD

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Nainika Gupta
18:19 Feb 20, 2021

ahah thanks maya :) loll means a lot :))))

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Maya -
18:19 Feb 20, 2021

Of course! :))) <3

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Jexica Marcell
17:27 Dec 06, 2021

You made my favorite thing to eat into a story! This was hilarious, and I love how it insulted with ice cream names! You wrote a story that made my day as always. So creative! xoxo, Jex

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Nainika Gupta
19:43 Dec 23, 2021

thank you so much! this was absolutely hilarious to write :)

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Jexica Marcell
16:22 Mar 05, 2021

So, you read my bio, now I returned the "Favor" lol 🦁

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Nainika Gupta
16:24 Mar 05, 2021

heeh thanks! :)

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19:19 Mar 02, 2021

Really funny and unique story! Excited to see more work from you🌸

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Nainika Gupta
19:46 Mar 02, 2021

thanks so much!

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Ishan Chopra
03:49 Mar 02, 2021

Loved the ingenuity Nainika! An app that swears in ice cream flavors is a sure shot formula for crazy hilarity! Would appreciate it if you read my story too and let me know what you think!

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Nainika Gupta
13:26 Mar 02, 2021

Thanks so much Ishan! Ahah yep! :) and for sure, ASAP!!

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Aisha H.
20:36 Mar 01, 2021

This story was hilarious! The insults had me dying, and the plot was just plain amazing. Awesome job!

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Nainika Gupta
20:51 Mar 01, 2021

ahaha thanks so much Aisha!!

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Maria Moore
02:53 Mar 01, 2021

I love the story and how original it is. I saw a few minor errors in grammar, but overall, it is a very well written piece of prose. Congratulations on a great job that is well done.

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Nainika Gupta
14:22 Mar 01, 2021

Thanks so much Maria! Really appreciate it :) and hah, I know - i tried to get all of em but apparently not :)

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Maria Moore
15:19 Mar 03, 2021

You're very welcome. I know what you mean, in my story "One Android's Journey To Live", I had a heck of a time editing out typos and I may not have completely succeeded. Each time I re-read it, I noticed something else and had to hit 'Edit' again lol. I can hardly wait until I can finally afford to hire an editor, because it takes me forever, it seems, to get all errors edited out of a story.

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Nainika Gupta
15:37 Mar 03, 2021

Haha I know!

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Kate Winchester
02:14 Mar 01, 2021

I loved your take on the prompt. It was funny! Great job. :)

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Nainika Gupta
14:23 Mar 01, 2021

Hey, Kate! Thanks so much :)

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Kate Winchester
14:24 Mar 01, 2021

You are welcome. 😁

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Maya -
17:35 Feb 28, 2021

Hiii Nainika, btw me and Isaac's little brother filled out your writing quiz cause he was on the doc and we didn't allow him to be. Sorry XD

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Nainika Gupta
14:23 Mar 01, 2021

oh aha no problem Maya!

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Maya -
14:27 Mar 01, 2021

Lol hehe XD

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Maya -
14:27 Mar 01, 2021

Lol hehe XD

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05:56 Feb 27, 2021

This was freakingly awesome! Seriously!, I can't believe your imagination! The whole story just came alive with those icecream 'curses' XD Love your writing style! (Would you mind if I asked you 'can you plz give feedback on my writing?'?) Happy today!

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Nainika Gupta
14:31 Feb 27, 2021

Aw, thanks so much Tru!! Really appreciate it XD And not at all, I'll go check it out ASAP!!

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02:33 Feb 28, 2021

=) Thanks for thanking me! :) Happy today!

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Jay DMer
16:05 Feb 26, 2021

Thanks for taking my quiz:)

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Jay DMer
16:06 Feb 26, 2021

Ps. This was sooo funny

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Nainika Gupta
16:08 Feb 26, 2021

ha, no problem! and aw, thanks so much :)

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Jay DMer
16:18 Feb 26, 2021

You were the first one;) Next prompt I'll see if I can use it, depending on what it is. If not I'll use it the next one or whatever and I'll let you know:)

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Nainika Gupta
16:25 Feb 26, 2021

:) yay! Sure, no problem :)

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Laiba M
01:00 Feb 26, 2021

I love this, Nainika!! I love the idea of a phone talking, and especially in ice cream flavors!!!

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Nainika Gupta
03:10 Feb 26, 2021

Thank you so much Laiba! :)

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Laiba M
04:17 Feb 26, 2021

Anytime! We should become friends!

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Nainika Gupta
13:39 Feb 26, 2021

yesss we friends now :)

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Laiba M
13:59 Feb 26, 2021

🦁 I'm so happy to hear that! I do this thing with a ton of my friends on Reedsy! So basically, we exchange random questions (nothing related to personal information of course)! Do you want to try?

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Nainika Gupta
14:04 Feb 26, 2021

yeah ofc!! :))))

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Milo W
18:01 Feb 24, 2021

I love this story!!! :D

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Nainika Gupta
18:09 Feb 24, 2021

aw, thanks Milo!

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Cassandra Durnin
17:56 Feb 24, 2021

🦁 You seem like a lovely person.

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Nainika Gupta
17:59 Feb 24, 2021

i...aw, thanks so much :)

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Charlie Murphy
16:41 Feb 24, 2021

I loved your funny story

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Nainika Gupta
16:47 Feb 24, 2021

Aw, thanks so much! Really appreciate it :)

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Charlie Murphy
16:58 Feb 24, 2021

Thank you for liking all my stories! Did you read all of them?

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Nainika Gupta
17:01 Feb 24, 2021

oh yes...was gonna give you feedback on them right now actually :) you're super talented!!

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Charlie Murphy
17:06 Feb 24, 2021

Thank you.

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Nainika Gupta
17:11 Feb 24, 2021

:) of course

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Charlie Murphy
17:06 Feb 24, 2021

Thank you.

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