Story 26

(This is a sequel to Story 25 published on this site in June.)

In the history of the world there have been many times when mortal enemies have decided to work together for the good of the common purpose. For obvious reasons the historical accounts must usually remain secret but for less obvious reasons on very rare occasions the stories can be made public. In the following account confidential information has been redacted.

Robin Hood was looking carefully at his new recruit as he showed him round the camp, which was based in S******* Forest. It was the first time that Robin had held interviews to find new outlaws and two people had come through the process. But Robin wasn’t entirely sure that the process was reliable. The new boy was asking some unexpected questions.

“What about annual leave? How many days do I get?”

“We don’t really bother with annual leave here.”

The ex-Sheriff of Nottingham was starting to have second thoughts about his decision to resign from his job and join up with Robin Hood and his merry men.

“No annual leave. But…”

“We don’t have it because we are all so committed to our work.”

The ex-Sheriff chuckled to himself and said, “You will be telling me next that I won’t be getting any pension.”

“You won’t be getting any pension.”

“No annual leave. No pension. I am going to have to talk to my union rep about this. We will see what he - or she - has to say about this.”

“No problem. Of course you are entitled to speak to your union rep about this or any other matter. That’s absolutely fine.”

“Who is it?”

“You are speaking to him already. It is me.”

The ex-Sheriff thought for a moment and decided to change his approach. “Anyway, I have a few ideas about how to improve the business model. What about keeping some of the profits rather than giving them all away?”

“You do realise that we are a charity.”

“Yes but surely a charity has some running costs. Or are you going to tell me that I won’t be getting a salary?”

“You won’t be getting a salary.”

“No salary. But what am I supposed to live on?”

“We do get expenses.”

He smiled in an evil and sinister way. In a long career in local government the ex-Sheriff had become an expert at fiddling his expenses.

“Ah, I understand now. We get expenses. Now I understand everything.”

“I don’t usually get involved in all that boring admin stuff. I tend to leave that to others. Maybe your skills would…”

“Great. So we can use some of the profits to cover our running costs and our expenses, legitimate expenses, and that way everyone is happy. The peasants still get enough to live on. What’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.”

“Do you think it would comply with charity commission regulations?”

“Just leave it with me, Robin, my old friend. I can usually find a way round petty rules and regulations. Anyway, enough of chatting do you want me to do some hand-to-hand combat?”

“Next we need to carry out your diversity and inclusion training. I have an induction checklist that I need to work through.”

“Diversity and inclusion? I don’t want to bother with that. I want to torture people. You don’t need diversity and inclusion training to torture people. You need training on how to use the instruments of torture. If you are ripping out somebody’s toenails why do you need to have diversity and inclusion training? If you want to get people screaming in agony why do you need diversity and inclusion training. If you…”

“Because it is on the checklist. And then there’s safeguarding training.”

“Safeguarding? I want to be out pillaging. Why do you need safeguarding training if you are killing villagers and…”

“We don’t do any killing at all. That’s not who we are.”

“You are outlaws, aren’t you?”

“Yes.”

“Breaking laws. Living in the forest. Sleeping under the stars. Urinating behind bushes. Challenging society’s normal boring behaviour with your risky unconventional lifestyles.”

“There are different types of outlaws. We are the nice ones.”

“You are a bunch of long-haired layabouts.”

“Well I haven’t introduced you to Friar T*** yet and he has…”

“I don’t care about meeting him but I was hoping to be working closely with Maid Marian. I can’t believe all this. No annual leave. No pension. No salary. No proper union rep. A tedious induction process full of unnecessary diversity and inclusion nonsense. Why didn’t I check on all of these things before I resigned from Nottinghamshire County Council? At the very least I was hoping that I could carry on torturing people. What pleasure is there in life if you can’t hear innocent people screaming in agony because you’ve ripped off their…”

“Right it is a lot to take in for your first day so I expect you would like a short break and a cup of tea. Do you have any questions for me?”

“Yes what other poor sod has been appointed from the interview process?”

“Our other new recruit is just arriving. Let me introduce him – another of my former enemies so you two have got a lot in common. Here’s Guy of Gisbourne.”

“That b******!”

“You two gentlemen are both very welcome here in our little team. It might be tough at times. There might be unexpected setbacks. One day we will all be famous. In the long distant future people will tell their children stories of the legendary escapades of Robin Hood and his Merry Men.”

“I don’t think that’s very likely. But if that’s what you are hoping for I’d better get started on sorting out your records management.”

(Historical note: this account has been pieced together from contemporaneous eyewitness accounts. Some academics argue that some of the details are not correct and that Nottinghamshire County Council was in fact the East Midlands Combined County Authority. )