A Friendly Reminder

Submitted into Contest #53 in response to: Write a story about another day in a heatwave. ... view prompt

45 comments

General

I think it will relent soon. It has been going strong for a good ten minutes now.


It? She? I don’t even know what to call it.


Her whole body is swaying back and forth as if her ankles are tied to a spot that my eyes cannot meet. Her face looks more malicious every time she leans towards me: her eyes are widening, her mouth is taut by opening so wide, and her long fingers are reaching out, ready to throttle someone. People have mentioned that I have a pleasant voice more than once: maybe she will heed my request to stop screaming. I need the screaming to stop; it’s making my skin crawl. I can feel beads of sweat rolling down my back, as her scream turns into a maniacal high-pitched laugh. The sound of which, is no better.


Why are you here? What do you want?


I remember this laugh from back when I was nine years old. The face was non-existent back then; it was just the wicked voice inside my head. Those moments when this voice visited me were extremely frightening, given my age and the unfounded reason for it being there.


The face disappears just as suddenly as it had come to be, and the bed on which I am lying along with the rest of my bedroom comes into focus. I can see the bottle of water standing calmly on my side table. Every inch of my sweating, trembling body wants to reach out and grab it; chug every drop of the refreshing, trance-breaking water at once. The face reappears, rendering me immobile once again. There seems to be a steady fire burning inside of me. She gives in to screaming in a soundless manner now, her face contorted into madness, silent tears shooting down her cheeks, but I am calm on the outside save for the sweating and trembling. The dualism between my physical and my mental self is incomprehensible to my rattled brain. The lack of sound is deafening, much worse than the din from earlier.


Please leave me alone. I only wanted to lie down for a few minutes. I have a lot of work to do, responsibilities to attend to. Please.


Fifteen years ago, my nine-year-old self had explained the inexplicable presence of this voice to be a result of dehydration. I must not even have known the meaning of hallucination, but that had not swayed me from trying to make sense of the situation through reason. I had chosen to be logical over thinking that I may be losing my mind. Why is it that I am unable to do the same this time around? Why does the face and the voice belong to someone who I know to be as real as my own thoughts? What has changed?


Everything. You want something from me this time, don’t you?


My phone buzzes, and I pull out of my reverie, as if in slow motion. The blazing fire within me seems to dissipate just as though it may never have been. I pick up my phone and see a text message from a guy in my Logic class. How ironic, and timely. He is asking for the notes on the types of syllogism, which we covered in class today. Just as I am about to unlock my phone screen, to reply, I see movement right outside my bedroom window. This slight interruption from whatever is outside my window, allows me to drag myself further away from my reverie and stand up. As I slowly make my way to the window, I realize that it was just a shadow of a tree, illuminated by a car’s headlights flashing on in the nearby parking lot, dancing against the apartment building adjacent to mine.


I feel light-headed from what I experienced mere moments earlier. As my mind flits back to that demonic face, a feeling of despair spreads all over my body. I feel a battle raging inside me to let go of the image. The image starts coming back in waves; getting stronger with every comeback, making my knees go weak, making me grab on to the edge of my dresser. My eyes are barely able to focus on the framed photograph that stands tall on top of it.


Kill me now. Kill me. Maybe then you will leave me alone.


This has happened before. All of this has happened before, yet there is something distinctly different this time around. I am not scared of it, as I was fifteen years prior. I am curious; I am ready. I understand why she would want to be here now. She screams louder than ever. A sound like no other, conveying messages that I can barely register. I can feel my skin singeing: not from the heat of the fire burning inside of me but from that of the atmosphere, and I know that I am spared from her presence for some time. I am in my bedroom, alone at last.


Is it possible that my nine-year-old self had known what was going to happen in the future? How was I able to hear a voice that I had not even encountered in real life yet? Had her presence in my life, for a mere two months as a teenager, been so strong that I had felt it before we had even met?


My eyes search for the framed photograph on my dresser again. I see her smile, innocent and playful: an evil laugh escaping that face, impossible to imagine. How could my mind have betrayed me? How could I have strayed from my own promise to forgive myself? I walk over to my side table, pick up the water bottle at last, and take a sip from it. I feel my mind relaxing, letting go, and yet holding on tightly to a desire to understand.


Maybe it’s just the ongoing heatwave that made me hallucinate, or maybe she was here to let me know…


I am certain I heard the words, “You know what you’ve done. I’m only here to make sure you never forget” in between her screams.

August 04, 2020 02:18

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45 comments

14:53 Aug 09, 2020

Let me just say, I'm a sucker for creature stories, so I was excited for this from the first couple paragraphs. I really enjoyed reading this, although I was a little disappointed by the ending, but I'll get to that. I really liked the sentence "People have mentioned that I have a pleasant voice more than once: maybe she will heed my request to stop screaming," the first half makes the second half more impactful and it shows the MC's desperation. Some of the imagery after that gets a little repetitive, though, especially because of t...

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Bibisha Shakya
17:05 Aug 09, 2020

Thanks for your constructive comment, Ethan! I must admit, while writing this story, I felt much more confident about how I would write the first half than how I would write the ending. And I wanted to edit this story even after I posted it because I was not sure I liked how I had proceeded with the storyline, but I was unable to due to a nice little bout of food poisoning. I feel much better now but cannot edit this anymore. I love how life works out sometimes lol. I'm still glad you liked parts of it though! And I tend to rush with the en...

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Gene Gryniewicz
16:58 Aug 04, 2020

intriguing, compelling ... fascinating -I read from the comments as well as from your story, and I find the words applicable. I find your story enticing; it pulls me along ... draws me more deeply into it. Into the words you so obviously enjoy. I sm looking forward to additional work

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Bibisha Shakya
17:43 Aug 04, 2020

Thanks, Gene! I definitely do enjoy writing these stories; it's the perfect escape from reality and always will be. I hope to deliver this and more in my later stories too. :)

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Kristin Neubauer
07:07 Aug 04, 2020

This is chilling and so intriguing, Bibisha. You held my attention to the end and, as others have said, I would love to see a continuation of this. I think it opened very well with the sense of mystery and intrigue. Wonderful!

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Bibisha Shakya
17:40 Aug 04, 2020

Thanks for such kind words, Kristin! I might revisit this idea in my later stories. :)

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Daisy Torres
06:53 Aug 04, 2020

Hi! Thank you for liking my story! This had such a chilling sense of mystery behind it that kept me hooked to the end! You showed the main character's fear so well. I especially loved that bit about seeing the moving "figure" outside of the window—it makes the fear/aftermath of the fear more relatable, since my mind often wants to turn small things like that into something alive after being afraid. This was definitely an interesting and creative twist on the prompt!

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Bibisha Shakya
17:37 Aug 04, 2020

Thanks for the comment, Daisy! It helps me understand what the reader is able to connect with most, while reading my story. I'm glad that you liked it! :)

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Daisy Torres
18:18 Aug 04, 2020

You're welcome!!

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Khizra Aslam
06:05 Aug 04, 2020

Hey bibisha, I just saw that you liked my story so i decided to read yours as well. I was intrigued totally to read it till end. This was fantastic piece to read. Good job❤

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Bibisha Shakya
06:19 Aug 04, 2020

Hey, Khizra! I'm glad that you liked it! I wrote my previous story on the same prompt as you did, and I thought your story was great! :)

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Khizra Aslam
14:04 Aug 04, 2020

Thank you...and I would love to read your previous story as well :)

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Tina Gayanes
05:48 Aug 04, 2020

I hope you could write the continuation of this story, it's fascinating.

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Bibisha Shakya
06:22 Aug 04, 2020

Thanks, Tina! I really appreciate your kind words. It motivates me to write more! :)

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Rose CG
04:19 Aug 04, 2020

Interesting storyline. I'm curious about what will happen next? 🌹Thank you for following me!~Rose~🌹

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Bibisha Shakya
06:23 Aug 04, 2020

Thanks, Rose! I liked your story too! Always feel free to come back for more. :)

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Charles Stucker
03:29 Aug 04, 2020

Another inner monologue. You present madness in a compelling way, having structured everything well. All you need are some proofreading and line edits. For example - proofreading, [Because I am almost certain I heard the words, “you know what you’ve done, I’m only here to make sure you don’t forget” in between her screams.] would change this to [Because I am almost certain I heard the words, “You know what you’ve done. I’m only here to make sure you don’t forget,” in between her screams.] Then a line edit might change it to [I am certain I...

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Bibisha Shakya
04:08 Aug 04, 2020

Thanks for the feedback! I will definitely be editing this story once I have the time to do so. And I couldn’t help but write another inner monologue! I might try to write something different next time though. :)

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06:20 Sep 21, 2020

Hey, Bibisha would you be kind to watch the first video it's on Harry potter. https://youtu.be/KxfnREWgN14 Sorry for asking your time, I would ready your story

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Devanshi Garg
16:51 Sep 18, 2020

Wow Bibisha! Great story and well written! Would you mind reading my story ‘The Secret Behind The Name’ ?

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Tariq Saeed
12:29 Aug 23, 2020

First time I m reading your story ,found good.

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Holly Pierce
20:12 Aug 16, 2020

This is amazing! I love the open ending and the slight vagueness! It's like viewing a snapshot of someone's struggle. I am really curious about the creature, and I have a lot of questions, but this story is really good!

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Bibisha Shakya
06:36 Aug 17, 2020

I appreciate your feedback, Holly! I love leaving a bit (or a lot lol) of ambiguity in my stories, simply because I think it leaves more room for interpretation and mystery to the reader. Although, I am working on finding the right balance so that the story still feels complete!

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Holly Pierce
19:34 Aug 17, 2020

I sometimes do the same thing, but I've had people who don't like (slightly) open endings. Some people like it, some people don't. As long as you're happy with your story it's all good :))

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Bibisha Shakya
02:13 Aug 18, 2020

Agreed! :)

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Shruti Saxena
15:02 Aug 16, 2020

This is so chilling and eerie, wow. Gripping and fantastic.

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Bibisha Shakya
15:34 Aug 16, 2020

Thanks, Shruti!

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Gip Roberts
20:06 Aug 14, 2020

The paragraph with "The blazing fire within me seems to dissipate" made me think of my neighbor who has schizophrenia. Social interaction, like someone coming over to visit or a phone call seems to temporarily "push his demons aside" where he can be perfectly normal for a while. I have no idea if that's what this story is about, but as others have mentioned, it's gripping and suspenseful the way you wrote it.

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Bibisha Shakya
09:53 Aug 15, 2020

Thanks for the comment, Gip! I did not mean for it to come across as if the protagonist is schizophrenic. Although, I guess you could say that she had a similar experience when seeing this person repeatedly materialize in front of her due to some trauma she experienced in her past. I’m glad you found it gripping and suspenseful though!

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Yolanda Wu
00:08 Aug 12, 2020

Your writing is so intriguing and detailed, it really leaves me wanting more. I especially like this paragraph: "I feel light-headed from what I experienced mere moments earlier. As my mind flits back to that demonic face, a feeling of despair spreads all over my body. I feel a battle raging inside me to let go of the image. The image starts coming back in waves; getting stronger with every comeback, making my knees go weak, making me grab on to the edge of my dresser. My eyes are barely able to focus on the framed photograph that stands ...

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Bibisha Shakya
08:57 Aug 12, 2020

Thanks, Yolanda! I appreciate you appreciating my writing! 😊

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D. Jaymz
04:37 Aug 11, 2020

Eerily enchanting 👌 Great work.

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Bibisha Shakya
12:32 Aug 11, 2020

Thank you! 😊

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S. Closson
08:51 Aug 10, 2020

This was a very fun take on the prompt! The creepiness of this person's descent into madness was palpable.

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Bibisha Shakya
14:25 Aug 10, 2020

Thanks, Stephen! :)

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David Drew
07:24 Aug 10, 2020

A very compelling read, Bibisha. Well constructed with a good pace. Quite eerie and disturbing in its effect.

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Bibisha Shakya
14:24 Aug 10, 2020

Thanks, David!

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Rayhan Hidayat
06:52 Aug 10, 2020

Gorgeously written, wow 😮 And hyper-intruiging! It just sucks you in, could not stop reading. I like how short and concise it was, too. Good stuff 👍🏽

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Bibisha Shakya
13:55 Aug 10, 2020

Thanks, Rayhan!

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Salony Shakya
17:56 Aug 09, 2020

I thought you were trying to explain a sleep paralysis experience! However, the end is pretty thrilling.

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Bibisha Shakya
02:19 Aug 10, 2020

I’m glad you found it thrilling. But I wish I could have worked on it more!

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