Author’s note: This is the continuation of The dragon warrior. This can be read as a stand-alone story. But, for a better understanding, you may want to read the first part.
After the tough battle with the Kaals I received the warrior’s trophy from the President. After all, I am the Dragon warrior. But, after receiving the trophy, I was given the police job. But, not inside the air conditioned police station, instead in the scorching sun as a watchman. I was saving the city from rogues and thieves. They were the only criminals I knew here and they would run away if they saw me.
On a bad day, I had come to my duty and was sitting in an old, broken chair.
“Hey, Flame. Did you see Mr.George?”Miles,the sub inspector of police,asked me.
“Hey, Miles. I didn’t see him. Where did he go?” I said.
“Okay, Flame. Carry on with your job. I will make a call,” Miles said.
He went inside the station and came back after some time.
“Hey, dude. Don’t panic, Flame. He said he was ill yesterday. I completely forgot that,” Miles said and started scratching his head while I rolled my eyes.
My routine was to be awake at mornings and nights and talk to the police in the afternoon. They were my only support and family.
That day, the news flashed,”Weaponized submarines of the country to take off tomorrow. Officers in charge, Inspector George and sub inspector Miles.”
They had left me alone again. Miles was very excited and started to frustrate me. But, I didn’t take those things seriously.
The next day, George came to the police station.
“Are you fine?” I asked him.
“Yeah,” he said.
“Aren’t you excited?” Miles asked.
“Very much,” he said happily. He was the happiest man I could have seen in that city.
“Please take me with you,” I said.
“No, Flame. That’s not possible,” Miles said.
“Okay. George, call me if there’s any problem,” I said and went to sit on my old chair which would break anytime.
Then a huge car came in front of the police station. The policemen were amazed. A man came out of the car. He was a fat and a bald man with gold rings on all ten fingers. He was the President.
“Get in, George and Miles,” he said.
“Wow!” exclaimed Miles.
They got in and Miles taunted me. In my anger, I wanted to take my dragon sword and chase him.
The car took off at a high rate of speed,leaving me alone in the scorching sun. On that day, there were no thefts or mistakes happening in the city and I was bored. But, not for long.
George called me, ”Flame, we need your help. The power has gone out in the submarine and a shark is threatening us. Please come as soon as possible.”
That was the one I was waiting for. I donned my red dragon warrior suit and made my keychain into a skateboard. It can change into anything.
I raced fast to the nearest beach. George had sent me the coordinates of where he was. I just followed the google maps and dived into the waters. I would do anything for my friends, even for that annoying Miles.
Wow! It was so cool to be swimming in the water after being in the scorching sun. I found the fishes, in all colours floating with their fins with ease. But, then I saw a large fish, which was attacking the old, blue submarine. No one had maintained it for years.
It was the shark. I turned the keychain into a sword. The submarine's engines were stuck. I pushed the submarine as hard as I could. The metal was very rough as it was an old submarine. But, using all my strength, it moved forward slowly and the engine started with a loud “Vrooooooooooom.”
Then the shark dreamt of a nice feast. But, it didn’t know that I would have the feast. I slashed my sword and cut it lightly on the face. It tried to attack me but I gave a kick in its eye and scared it away. It groaned in pain and went out of my sight.
I opened the upper door in the submarine and went in. Just a small amount of water came in. Okay, a lot of it came in.
“Thank you, Flame and I am sorry for the mocking,” Miles said.
“Welcome, my friend. Don’t be sorry because I am also inside this submarine,” I laughed.
There was completely no light in the submarine and the ocean was also very dark. Miles started to get the generator ready. It would help us for a few hours until we got out of the waters.
“Thank you, Flamey,” George said.
Flamey, that name I knew. But, I couldn’t remember and I didn’t get the time to recollect. George punched me with his fist and I was transported to some other place. It was full of dragons and the ground was raging with fire.
Then George touched his chest and transformed into a man with a great physique about my age. He was dressed fully in black. He had the dragon mark on his hands.
“Do you remember me, Flamey?” he asked me.
“WHERE IS GEORGE?” I yelled at him.
“Answer my question, Flamey,” he replied calmly.
And then I remembered.
“You are my mate on Dragon planet. Your code name is Shape Shifter. And your name is Aqua,” I said.
“Wow! You still remember me. But, from now, you are the one who would be remembered,” he said, taking out his dragon sword. That was not as powerful as mine. But, it was powerful, too. He was a great fighter.
“Hey, wait. How did you escape? I had stabbed you. Then the Kaals had attacked and destroyed the whole planet,” I said.
“I knew it. You are a betrayer. You had killed every warrior and would have killed me. I transformed into a Kaal and have been travelling with them for a few days. I arrived on earth and George interested me. So, I transformed into him,” he said, ready to fight. He was correct. I was a betrayer and a merciless person who killed all the warriors.
“But, the Kaals had tricked me,” I said.
But he diverted from the topic.
“I know that your weapon is much stronger. So, I took some powerful weapons from the submarine,” he said. He was my best friend from childhood. I couldn’t imagine myself getting killed by my friend.
“Stop it, Aqua. I was tricked by them that you were going to destroy the planet. So, I made a decision to kill you guys. After I killed you, they had destroyed the planet,” I said.
“THAT IS THE TRUST YOU HAVE FOR US,” he shouted and took out a rocket launcher from his bag. He fired it on me without second thought. I acted fast and made the keychain into a shield. It blocked the rocket for quite some time.
“No, wait. I realised my mistake. I had saved the earth from them and travelled in their spaceship. And the power signal got cut, which made it easier for me. I slashed every ship with my sword and destroyed all the Kaals. Sorry, that I had no trust in you. But, you knew it right? I have always been cheated my whole life,” I said.
“Yeah, you have been cheated the most number of times,” he laughed and embraced me.
”Where is George?” I asked him.
”I kidnapped him and hid him in the police station itself,” he said.
”Let’s go and rescue him,” I said.
That was my friend. We touched his ring and went back to the submarine.
Miles looked at us, "What just happened?" Aqua and I started laughing as we left the water for the sands."
The military force, along with the police, were there waiting. So was George - the real George.
"ARREST THEM," he shouted.
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Really great story! it was as good as the first one.
Keep writing!
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Thanks.
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Ooooooooooooooh, nice story!! Wow, that ‘ooh’ was long, lol. Anyways, a wonderful part two! I enjoyed it, THERE BEEEETTER BE A PART 3! Lol. Double lol. Second lol in this feedback...anyways, great job, Sahitthian! Keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep writing! (Gosh I love stretching out words...)
-Aerinnnn! 🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈
P. S. Would you mind checking out my new story? If so, thanks :D
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Surely I will,I am glad you enjoyed it.I will conformity write the third part.
Thank you for reading.
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Hey 👋 Sahitthian. Sorry m a bit late. Was caught up with various things. Liked ur story. Keep writing ✍️ such brilliant stories. Stay safe.
- Hriday Saboo
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Thank you for reading.
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Welcome
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Awesome story Sahitthian! I really like it! Keep it up!
Happy Writing!
~SS
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Thanks.I am glad you liked it.(please like my story.
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sure and you're welcome!
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Thanks.
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You're Welcome!
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Ok.
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Here I am as per your request.
Wow, awesome story. You did a great job even though there were a little grammatical errors (but that doesn't really matter as long as you conveyed what you had in mind, to the readers).
I read the prequel and commenting on that as well, I liked the character names especially Aqua and Flame.
Overall, I'd give you a 7/10. This scintillating story really deserves that.
~ K
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Thank you for the score!(would you mind liking my story?)
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Not at all XD
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Done..
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Wow, this is great. Might need a Part 3, though? ;)
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Thanks.I will write the third part.
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Okay!
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Excellent my grandson. Keep it updevelop further.
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Thank you for reading.
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Great story!!
I liked the names of this story (I honestly like the names in all of your stories).
Are you going to make a part 3???
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Thanks.Yes,I will write the third part.
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Ok! Let me know when you do.
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Ok,I will tell you.
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You did a great job, Sahitthian! I loved this sequel! -Brooke D.
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Thanks.I am glad you loved the seque.Thank you for reading
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My pleasure!
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Hey, the story overall flowed well towards the action. I think there are some parts that need polishing, like combining some sentences together or rewording them. But other than that I enjoyed the story. Keep writing.
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Thanks! I need to work on it.I am glad you enjoyed story. Thank you for reading.(Would you mind liking my story)
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Of course, I will like it. I thought I did. haha.
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Thanks.
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Nice storyline!
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Thank you.
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Great sequel, I could see the improvements in your writing. Your imagination shines through in your work, and I can see you writing more wonderful pieces.
There are some parts of dialogue that sound a bit stiff, saying them out loud as you write will help with that a lot. Everything does get better with practice, and I can see you going great places.
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Thank you!
I will improve my dialogues. Thank you for reading.
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The main point of a story that always impresses me is the use of imagination. You have done that quite well. Keep on using it and you will become a very impressive writer. Well done
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Thank you! 😁
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I loved your story, Sahittian!! Congrats on the concept. The story is well-written and oh- those dialogue tags make me feel like an observer. I hope I can write like You T_T
I am a newbie here, and I would love it if you check out my story-'Hiraoka Aika' ;)
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I am glad you loved my story.You can surely write like me. Thank you for reading and sure.
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No problem!!
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Ok,would you mind reading my first part.
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Wow. I like what you did with this story. I like how you had a secret come out only now (that George was replaced) and also how his friend yelled at him for his big mistake. This is something that was missing from your other story, where the police seemed to trust him too easily after what he had done, so it was nice to see him take responsibility for his actions. I also like how after they decided to cooperate the real George showed up and arrested them. This is a very realistic ending. I hope you will continue this story further, as I want to know what happens next.
And now for the homework (Not so much this time. I'm impressed):
“Hey, Flame. Did you see Mr.George?” - space missing after Mr.
“Hey, Flame. Did you see Mr.George?” Miles asked me. He was the sub inspector of police. - Change "He" to "Miles" to prevent confusion, or maybe include that last sentence as an appositive. Something like this: “Hey, Flame. Did you see Mr. George?” Miles, the sub inspector of police, asked me.
That day, the news flashed,”Weaponized submarines of the country to be taken off tomorrow.” - The first quotation here is backwards and missing a space before it. Also, "to be taken off" means that they will be removed. Instead you can say "Weaponized submarines of the country to take off tomorrow."
"He was a fat and a bald man with gold rings on all his ten fingers." - For consiceness, change to "He was a fat bald man with gold rings on all ten fingers."
The car took off at a high speed,leaving me alone in the scorching sun. - missing space after comma
"I and Aqua started laughing." - "Aqua and I started laughing" would sound more natural. You always put the other person first. I don't really know why for this one.
One more general suggestion: try to use different words sometimes when saying who is talking. "he said" "I said" "he said" gets a little redundant after a while. I noticed you used "asked" a few times, which is good. Try to find more words for statements as well. "exclaimed" "joked" "told me" "declared."
Here are some examples of where you did that well:
“Wow!” exclaimed Miles.
“WHERE IS GEORGE?” I yelled at him.
“Answer my question, Flamey,” he replied calmly.
“ARREST THEM,” he shouted.
These are all good. Try to do more of that.
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I am glad you liked what I did with this story. Yeah, always life haunts. So, thank you for reading and all the mistakes you stated. I have changed everything as you said.
Now,This is my brother replying.
Hi Clara. I am glad you liked this story. Actually, there was less homework because you were late to the party. 😂😂 That’s the reason. Thank you for reading his story.
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Sahitthian - You're welcome!
Keerththan - You got me. Maybe I should be late to the party more often. It gives me less homework as well!
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Keerththan- noooooooooooooo
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How old are you? Let me tell you, you have got the best imagination! I really got into this story. I saw much improvement from the first submission.
Again, write for you. Write with purpose, but write for you.
A few things I noticed, but I am sure others noticed as well.
Forgive me if I repeat.
"He was fat and a bald man with gold rings in all his ten fingers."
How about this - "He was a fat, bald man with gold rings on all of his fingers."
"The car took off at a high speed ,leaving me alone in the scorching sun."
How about this? "The car took off at a high rate of speed, leaving me alone in the scorching sun."
" “What just happened?” Miles asked. I and Aqua started laughing. We went out of the waters onto the sands. But, the police and military force were waiting there. George was there too. The real George. “ARREST THEM,” he shouted. "
How about - Miles looked at us, "What just happened?" Aqua and I started laughing as we left the water for the sands." "The military force, along with the police, were there waiting. So was George - the real George. "Arrest them," he shouted.
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I am young but my brother helped me in writing both the stories. His imagination is wonderful. I have mentioned him in my bio.
I am writing for myself.
Yup, changed everything.
Thank you for reading and for your suggestions. You have helped me a lot.
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A very noticeable inprovement from the first installment of Flame’s adventures, good job! You got the twists and turns down right to keep the reader invested, and the cliffhanger ending was brilliant as usual. Now I’m curious where things will go now that there are two superhuman extraterrestrials on earth. Maybe they’ll form their own Avengers in the future? 🧐
I’m curious about one thing: if Flame’s keychain can turn into anything, surely he’d turn it into something faster than a skateboard when rushing to save his friends? Why not a car? Or a plane? Unless there are limits to his abilities that I missed.
Awesome job anyway, keep it up!
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Thanks. I had an idea to form a team with them. You got it. But, I will not say what idea I have😜 .
He came from dragon planet. There were no cars and planes in dragon planet. So, he don’t know how to drive them.
Thank you for reading.
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I had a feeling!
Ah, okay. The residents of Dragon Planet must be really into skateboarding then haha
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Yeah, you found out.
Lol😂😂 That’s correct.
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(Would you mind liking my story)
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This is a great addition to your continuing story 👏
The end was very well done, leaving the story hanging so the reader would want more.
Your dialogue is very good and your plot internally consistent.
The characters are distinctive and getting ‘rounder’ (as opposed to flat characters) with each story.
~~~~~~ Suggestions ~~~~~~ My Opinion Only ~~~~~~
Other people's comments may have pointed out a couple of the things that I have already, but if it is mentioned twice (or more) from different readers then you know there is a definite problem in that area and may need a fix.
What some of us readers may think of as mistakes may be a matter of style. So, you should consider my suggestions to see if they help or not. If not, then just ignore them.
Only change your story if it feels right to you.
Let’s play a game.
Figure out why I made the changes that I have made. Just fixing an error without understanding the ‘why’ behind it will not help your writing in the long run. There will be a ‘Yours’ and a ‘Mine’. At the end, I will give a hint (maybe an explanation, if needed) for one of the points that I changed. Some of these are easy to spot and should have been picked up by your word processor when you originally wrote the story, but some are continual nightmares for all writers and even grammar software won’t help. There may be more than one change. I may only explain one point, the other changes you should research on your own for a better understanding of the craft of writing or the art of editing (or both). You have the greatest learning tool at your fingertips; the Internet.
Let’s go!
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1)
YOURS: That day, the news flashed, “Weapons submarines of the country to be taken off tomorrow. Officers in charge, Inspector George and sub inspector Miles.”
MINE: That day, the news flashed, “Weaponized submarines of the country will be taking off tomorrow. Officers in charge, Inspector George and sub inspector Miles.”
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2)
YOURS: He was fat and a bald man with gold rings in all his ten fingers.
MINE: He was fat and a bald man with gold rings on all his ten fingers.
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3)
YOURS: The car took off at a high speed ,leaving me alone in the scorching sun.
MINE: The car took off at a high speed, leaving me alone in the scorching sun.
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4)
YOURS: George called me,”Flame, we need your help. The power has gone in the submarine and a shark is threatening us. Please come as soon as possible.”
MINE: George called me, “Flame, we need your help. The power has gone in the submarine and a shark is threatening us. Please come as soon as possible.”
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5)
YOURS: It was so cool to be swimming in the waters after being in the scorching sun.
MINE: It was so cool to be swimming in the water after being in the scorching sun.
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6)
YOURS: Okay, a lot of it came.
MINE: Okay, a lot of it came in.
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7)
YOURS: It would help us for a few hours until we get out of the waters.
MINE: It would help us for a few hours until we got out of the water.
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8)
YOURS: He had the dragon mark in his hands.
MINE: He had a dragon mark on his hand. (better)
OR (This depends on whether there are two dragon marks or one - probably one)
MINE: He had dragon marks on his hands.
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9)
YOURS: Your code name is Shape shifter.
MINE: Your code name is Shape Shifter.
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10)
YOURS: “THAT IS THE TRUST YOU HAVE ON US,” he shouted.
MINE: “THAT IS THE TRUST YOU HAVE FOR US,” he shouted.
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11)
YOURS: We went out of the waters to the sands.
MINE: We came out of the water onto the sand.
MINE: (probable intention - better) - We came out of the water onto the beach.
******
Hints:
1) Changing a word from a noun to an adjective to make the sentence descriptive.
2) Preposition.
3) Misplaced space.
4) A missing space causing an opening quote to be a closing quote.
5) count/noncount noun use. While waters is an appropriate use when an adjective is used with waters, here a prepositional phrase is being used and that may warrant the noncount form of the noun ‘water’.
6) The sentence is left as a fragment not saying where the water came. It came in. Usually, it is frowned upon using a preposition at the end of a sentence, it can be done. This sentence uses the word ‘came’ twice (repetition) close together, so you may even want to reword the sentence to something like, ‘Okay, there was a lot of it.’ or something like that.
7) See 5 above.
8) Preposition.
9) Proper noun.
10) Preposition.
11) See 5 & 7 above.
From above I can see that you may need to work at using prepositions. Prepositions are hard for all of us. Getting the right one sometimes or the right prepositional phrase is hard. Many times I don't know my 'up' from 'down'. 😮
~~~~~~
Some of the above are simple fixes that you will get the hang of easily over time. The creativity of your story is what is important to the reader.
There have been some excellent comments for you to better your future work. Using sensual language is one of them. Use descriptive words that appeal to the senses, such as taste or smell.
Another is to use an object that you mentioned in the story earlier. This is a classic point coming from Anton Chekhov. Here is a quote about it, “'Chekhov's Gun' is a concept that describes how every element of a story should contribute to the whole. It comes from Anton Chekhov's famous book writing advice: 'If in the first act you have hung a pistol on the wall, then in the following one it should be fired. Otherwise don't put it there.'
Both of these points are excellent.
One I’ll mention is to economize your words. It is usually best to write clear and concise. Repetition or unnecessary words should be left out. “When in doubt, cut it out.” You may also have to ‘murder your darlings’. Leaving out words that only serve your fancy and not the story. I have to do this a lot in my writing. I take out what I think are funny things to me, knowing that most people won’t get it.
For example, in the paragraph:
Then a huge car came in front of the police station. The policemen were amazed. A man came out of the car. He was a fat and a bald man with gold rings in all his ten fingers. He was the President.
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A lot of this could be said in fewer words, like (this is only an example for the purposes of instruction - use another one in your own words using the idea of ‘word economy’):
The police were amazed when an official car pulled up in front of the station. The President, a fat, bald man, got out wearing ten gold rings on his fingers.
~~~~~~
Your work is improving. You must be working very hard on your stories.
Keep up the great work 😊
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Hi Sahitthian. Thanks for asking me to read part two of your story. I enjoyed seeing what happened to Flame after he went off in the enemy space ship at the end of part one and it was good to see him back on earth with the friends he’d made before.
In a few places, your grammar is a little confused (eg the fat man would wear rings on all then of his fingers, not in his fingers), but you have plenty of time to polish your grammar as you grow older. What works well in your story is the imagination you use - I love the idea of the key chain that can become anything you want. That kind of imagination probably reflects your age but I hope you don’t lose it as you grow older.
You also had a nice twist with Aqua and I’m glad that he ended up doing the right thing in the end.
Keep writing!
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Welcome. I am glad you enjoyed what happened to Flame.
Yeah, my grammar is pretty much worse. I am glad you love the idea of the keychain. . I am glad you loved the twist.
Keep writing.(please like my story)
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Nice job. I'm glad you carried over the plot about the betrayal into this part, and the george/aqua reveal was a nice twist! Keep playing around with those kinds of ideas.
I'm a little surprised to see this one in first person, while part 1 was told from third person perspective. It's not objectively wrong, per se, but I feel like it might throw your audience off a bit if they're coming to this one after reading Part 1. I personally would recommend keeping the perspective consistent across all parts of the series.
A few errors i noticed:
"He is the sub inspector of police." should be he WAS the sub inspector, try to keep it all in past tense.
"The power has gone in the submarine" should be the power has gone *out* in the submarine
"until we get out of the water" should be until we *got* out.
And one more thing to think about, when you introduce something big like a rocket launcher, you should try and have the character use it. The reader gets excited and there's an expectation that an action scene is about to happen, so when they don't fight it's a bit of a let-down. I think the two characters should have fought each other for a little bit before they ended up making peace. Just some food for thought!
Keep it up!
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Thank you. I will keep playing around there.
For the suspense, I wrote in first person. I will write the next part with the first person POV. First part can be like an introduction.
Changed everything you said. Thank you.
Yeah, added a fight too.
Thank you for reading.(would you mind liking my story)
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