66 comments

Mystery Thriller Creative Nonfiction

It was just a normal morning when Finn McAlister, a world-renowned producer who had numerous blockbusters, went to the local supermarket near Beverly Hills to get some milk. He entered and went to the dairy aisle. It was 6:00 AM. No one except two men in gray suits were there. Finn grabbed the milk and went to the cash register.


He paid for the milk and started walking out the exit. The two men followed. He reached his mansion and poured a nice glass of cold milk. When he started making his daily waffles, he just so happened to look out the window.


There they were, in their gray suits and sunglasses, standing right on the sidewalk across from him. Strange. Finn ignored this and went on with his day.


As he was watching TV on his couch, he decided to drink yet another glass of milk. He started humming a song. “Hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hm-”


“FBI OPEN UP!!!”


Finn was bewildered. He didn’t know what to do. He had only heard that dialogue in the movies, and movie studios, but never in real life! He slowly walked towards the door. He was just about to open it when it came crashing down.


Finn didn’t know when he started to, but he ran. He ran like his life depended on it. He hid in the bathroom, locking the door. “Where is he?!” shouted a voice downstairs. “Dunno,” said another one.


Finn heard steps near him every few minutes, but they never searched the bathroom.


Suddenly, he heard a door open behind him. “Come with us,” a voice says while handcuffing him, “You know what you did. And don’t try any funny business, you’ll be lying in a pool of blood before you move an inch.”


Awwww man!” thought Finn, he had left the second door unlocked. “Um, I don’t know what you’re talking about!”


“As we said,” one of the voices said while frog-marching him down the stairs, “You know what you did.”


When they left the mansion, they shoved him into the backseat of a black SUV. They started driving. “Okay, I am asking this for the last time, what are you arresting me for?”


“Fine, I’ll tell ya what ya did McAlister,” replied the man riding shotgun, “15 eyewitnesses have seen ya robbing 2 banks.”


“What! I have never robbed a bank in my life! I don’t even NEED to! I have enough money to support me for the next 10 years without moving a finger!” answered Finn. The officers did not answer and kept on driving.


Half an hour later, they reached an abandoned warehouse. The officer who was driving took the car inside it. They were greeted by tall shelves of slimy gunk and broken down forklifts with flies buzzing around.


“Why are we here instead of a federal agency?” asked Finn.


“You’ll see,” answered one of the men. They shoved him into a room that seemed like someone fought in it. Numerous chairs and tables were upturned and it reeked of moldy food.


“Wait until we call the t- I mean the interrogator,” One of the men said while going out of the room, “Ag- I mean, Officer Alek will guard you.”


Strange,” Finn thought, “What was he going to say?”


When the officer returned, he was accompanied by a man with a clean-shaven face, and blond hair. “Hello, Finn,” He said, “Welcome to my torture chamber.”


“What do you mean! You’re the interrogator! You’re supposed to interrogate me on a crime that I DIDN’T DO! Not torture me!” Finn yelled.


“Of course, of course. Do you even recognize me?”


Finn looked closer. He did not see anything that reminded him of anything. “Uhh, I think we have a misunderstanding. I don’t recognize you!”


“Yes,” The blond-haired man drawled. He had a look of pure loathing. “Of course. I should’ve known. Maybe this will run your brain a little,” He thwacked Finn across the face, leaving a red mark.


“Why did you do that?!” Finn screamed in protest.


“Because of your ignorance. You did not recognize me.,” the man answered, “You did not recognize the man who begged and BEGGED you to let him be an actor in your STUPID movie ‘The Stars.’ It is I, Vlad Ivanov!”


“YOU!” Finn said, with a look of understanding on his face, “HAHAHA! You didn’t even have the acting talent of a FLY! And you thought I would let you act in ‘The Stars’! NOOO! It would have been a flop! I’ve got a reputation to uphold, alright!”


“Who are your comrades? I have seen enough to know that they are not FBI officers,” asked Finn.


“They are my ... assistants, let’s say. They are Alek and Andrei. They will be assisting me in getting your money, Finn McAlister. Huh, such a stupid name.”


“My money? Wh-why do you want my money?” inquired Finn.


“For sweet, sweet, revenge. Isn’t it obvious? You RUINED my acting career! And once I get your money, people will appreciate my talent and acting skills, and I shall be the BEST actor in the WORLD!”


“Seriously?” Finn remarked, “You’re going to rob me of my money for revenge? For the fact that I, like any other reasonable and logical producer, declined your audition to become an actor? SERIOUSLY? That is such a lame reason.”


“FINE! We’ll see how you feel once you have been stripped of your money!” Vlad growled.


“And how, may I ask, will you convince me to just give you all of my hard-earned money?”


“You’ll need to experience it for yourself,” Vlad said while gesturing to Andrei. He went out of the room and came back holding a pistol. “It is simple. Either you give me your money, or you die. Simple.”


If I give him my money, who knows what he’ll do with it. But if I do, he won’t kill me,” Finn thought, “But even if I do, I still have my status as a producer. I can still earn some more money.” 


“Fine! Fine! I’ll give you my money!”


“Good. Give me your bank PIN and username.”


Finn wasn't about to give his bank PIN over to Vlad! Instead, he just made up a fake username and PIN. He told him the fake account. Vlad seemed happy with it.


“Very good McAlister. Prepare to die,” he said, as he loaded the pistol.


“NOOO!” Finn screamed as he braced himself for the bullet that never came. “What?” He spoke aloud, as he got up after a few seconds and took in his surroundings.


He saw Vlad lying on the ground, gagged and handcuffed, with Alek on top of him, holding him down. “Good morning Mr. McAlister. We are the FBI,” said Andrei in a businessy voice, while holding up an ID card. “We apologize for the inconvenience that we had caused you. My colleague and I request you to let one of us drive you back home.”


Finn was utterly bewildered, but all the same, he let Andrei drive him back home. “B-but why were you undercover?”


“Vladimir Ivanov has had a treacherous history. Ever since you didn’t pick him for “The Stars,” he’s been going on a killing spree. Remember the death of old Bailey Bunkins? It was him. He broke into his house and strangled him to death. He’ll be serving a very long year in prison after his trial. But it’s all over now.”


Wannabe actors who try to kill you for revenge and FBI agents who work undercover! Just your average day in the show biz.


July 29, 2020 16:54

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66 comments

Zilla Babbitt
11:40 Aug 05, 2020

You asked me to read, so here I am. Very creative! I like how you spin the prompt so that the grey men are cronies and spin it right back so that they're actually FBI. Two things. One, this is very dramatic. Lots of all caps and long "NOOOOOO"s and many exclamation points. Save the drama for the climax, otherwise it gets tired and worn out. Two, if the FBI already knows about Bailey Bunkins, why did they have to go through all that with Finn? Especially since Vladimir must have already told the men his plans; they were the ones kidnappin...

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Akshat .
12:19 Aug 05, 2020

Thanks, Zilla! I get your point about the climax thing. Who’s Bailey Bunkins? I’m pretty sure I didn’t write that name in the story 😉. The thing about the FBI going through that with Finn is because they wanted more charges to press Vladimir on. The agents were 2 eyewitnesses, so even if Vlad won a part in his trial, he would still have to go to prison for the kidnapping. Thanks for the comment!

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Zilla Babbitt
14:02 Aug 05, 2020

You're welcome! Here's Bailey: “Vladimir Ivanov has had a treacherous history. Ever since you didn’t pick him for “The Stars,” he’s been going on a killing spree. Remember the death of old Bailey Bunkins? It was him. He broke into his house and strangled him to death. He’ll be serving a very long year in prison after his trial. But it’s all over now.” I see what you mean about the eyewitnesses. You're welcome!

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Akshat .
14:10 Aug 05, 2020

Ohhh! I can't believe I forgot about a character in my own story!

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Zilla Babbitt
14:13 Aug 05, 2020

It's happened before to me, even when people copy/paste sentences with typos, I have to respond and say what number paragraph is that?? It makes me laugh but sometimes it's embarrassing :)

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Akshat .
14:14 Aug 05, 2020

:)

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11:24 Aug 03, 2020

Hi, Akshat! Terrific story. Also, I read your bio, and you don’t have to leave! Like 40%+ of Reedsy Prompts people are younger than 18. Anyways, as multiple people have explained to me when I had just joined and was worried about the age thing, you can still stay on Reedsy to post stories, get comments and likes, etc. The age thing is mostly for the prize, anyway. All in all, you can definitely keep posting, but if you win, you can’t get the $50. So...yeah. Bye! ~A (P. S. Would you mind checking out one or two of my stories? T...

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Akshat .
13:00 Aug 03, 2020

Ohhh ... ok! Thanks a LOT for this news! I told my bro about this and he was so sad! I'll make sure to tell him about this news! Maybe, if I still win a story, I can tell them my mom's account! (Beating the system!) Of course, I'll read two of your stories! Look out for my comments! Thanks a lot, again!

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13:06 Aug 03, 2020

Thanks so much! 😁

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Akshat .
13:08 Aug 03, 2020

😊

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María Barrios
04:08 Aug 24, 2020

A bond story! I liked that. Great idea. You're very creative and you should take pride on that. This reminded me of a story I wrote many years ago. I was reading it and thinking "well, this was me at twelve". Everyone has to start somewhere and I think this is a good platform to do it. Although I'm no expert, I can give you two pieces of advice. The first one is to write something that you'd love reading or watching on a movie. Imagine your own story like you were watching a movie on the screen of a cinema. When something happens in ...

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Akshat .
05:49 Aug 24, 2020

Wow! Thanks a lot for this really long comment! I do agree with your first piece of advice, it makes sense. The second piece is also good. The only thing is, I ALREADY read a LOT. I read the Order of The Phoenix in 1 day. Obviously, you didn't know that, so I can't really berate you on that. But still, thanks for the advice!

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Pragya Rathore
07:33 Aug 20, 2020

I love how interesting this is! Great story. The characters and idea were both creative and unique. Fabulous!

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Akshat .
07:35 Aug 20, 2020

Thank you, Pragya!

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Arya Preston
07:06 Jul 31, 2020

This was an interesting plot! I enjoyed the twist at the end, didn't expect that ending at all. The introduction was good and developed the setting well. I do have a few suggestions in terms of grammar errors. First, "Come with us, a voice says" is in the wrong tense, it should be "said". Second, there are some character thoughts you've included, for example, "Awwww man!" thought Finn. Thoughts are usually denoted through italics, speech marks aren't generally used as they are not dialogue. Third, I noticed you tend to capitalise specific...

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Akshat .
07:34 Jul 31, 2020

Thank you for this lengthy feedback, Arya. I'm glad you took the time to read my story. I will definitely use this to my advantage. Glad you liked the story! 😁

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Arya Preston
07:44 Jul 31, 2020

You're welcome! If you don't mind, could you check out my story?

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Akshat .
08:03 Jul 31, 2020

Of course! Which one?

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Arya Preston
09:34 Jul 31, 2020

The most recent one, thank you :)

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11:03 Jul 30, 2020

This one's also good. Just the ending is a bit wonky. Overall: 4 out of 5!

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Akshat .
11:06 Jul 30, 2020

Thank you very much! I do agree with you. The ending was the hardest part to write.

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07:45 Aug 06, 2020

Yes, most times a twist is hard to write.

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Akshat .
11:49 Aug 06, 2020

😀

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13:36 Aug 06, 2020

😁

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11:44 Oct 15, 2020

This one was fun--well plotted and interesting, with good tension and believability. (when you have the reader honestly thinking that the protagonist will be tortured, you've succeeded.) I do agree with Zilla--a bit too much drama before the actual climax. ;)

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Akshat .
12:05 Oct 15, 2020

Thanks! Yeah, but it’s too late to edit now.

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12:11 Oct 15, 2020

I dunno, I still leave honest reviews on stories that can't be changed. ;) Just ask me not to and I won't, lol.

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Akshat .
12:43 Oct 15, 2020

Haha!

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Krishi Norris
18:35 Aug 10, 2020

You: FYI, my zodiac is Capricorn (not that it matters 😁) Me: My zodiac is Aries!

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Akshat .
02:43 Aug 11, 2020

Cool!

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Pragya Rathore
17:29 Aug 09, 2020

This story is very creatively expressed. I really liked how thrillingly you made the reader wait for the climax. Awesome! Please check my stories out too! :)

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Akshat .
02:25 Aug 10, 2020

Thank you, Pragya! Yes, I will read your stories later!

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Doubra Akika
17:27 Aug 06, 2020

Very creative story! Never read something like this on reedsy😂. Very dramatic also! Hope you never stop writing.

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Akshat .
02:45 Aug 07, 2020

Thanks a lot, Doubra!

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Doubra Akika
08:44 Aug 07, 2020

My pleasure! If you’re not too busy though, I was wondering if you could take a look at my recent story.

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Akshat .
13:40 Aug 07, 2020

Of course! Look out for my comment :)

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Deborah Angevin
10:08 Aug 06, 2020

Interesting story with a twist at the end... thoroughly enjoyed reading it! Would you mind reading my recent story out, "(Pink)y Promise"? Thank you :D

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Akshat .
11:28 Aug 06, 2020

Thank you! I'll definitely read your story. Look out for my comment!

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Avery G.
16:50 Aug 04, 2020

Hi! I liked this story! It had an interesting plot. The twist at the end was perfect! I did not expect it at all. Overall, great job!

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Akshat .
02:27 Aug 05, 2020

Thanks a lot, Avery!

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Avery G.
03:10 Aug 05, 2020

You're welcome!

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Roshna Rusiniya
14:54 Aug 03, 2020

Interesting story. I liked the way you constructed the dialogues.

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Akshat .
15:26 Aug 03, 2020

Thank you Roshna!

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Karen McDermott
14:07 Aug 02, 2020

Hey Akshat, well done on your story but I'm afraid Reedsy Prompt's terms of use states you must be 18+ to enter.

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Akshat .
16:00 Aug 02, 2020

Oh ... ok. Thank you for letting me know. I'll really miss Reedsy. 😞

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Karen McDermott
16:22 Aug 02, 2020

Sorry. Maybe you could write to them at their head office and say you'd love to continue to practise your writing with them and would they kindly consider running competitions for younger writers? Worth a try! :)

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Akshat .
16:34 Aug 02, 2020

Hmm. Nice idea! Maybe I'll do that. Do you know their email?

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Karen McDermott
16:51 Aug 02, 2020

service@reedsy.com. Good luck!

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Akshat .
17:08 Aug 02, 2020

Thanks for your help!

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Raquel Rodriguez
05:58 Aug 01, 2020

Akshat, great job! I have a few tips though. ~ I learned from another judge that the judges don't like the author's notes, so you should just put the thing you want to say in the comments or something. ~ I don't really think you should even put the author's note, because it's not necessary to tell the person how to pronounce the name. I honestly think maybe they could come up with the pronunciation they think is best for themselves? That's it! Otherwise, great job! Oh, by the way, I read your bio, and I love Harry Potter too. Also,...

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Akshat .
06:58 Aug 01, 2020

Thanks, Raquel! I'll take heed of your author's note warning😁. I'm turning 12 next year though. Yeah, I guess I shouldn't really tell people how to pronounce the name, but ... take this, for example, your name is Jake, but everyone pronounces it Jack, see? That's why I included the author's note. It's nice to see another Harry Potter fan in Reedsy too😃. I'll definitely read your story, can you tell me which one though?

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Raquel Rodriguez
17:00 Aug 01, 2020

Maybe 'Separate Neighborhoods'?

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Akshat .
17:10 Aug 01, 2020

Ok, look out for my comment! I'll read it soon!

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Raquel Rodriguez
17:12 Aug 01, 2020

Thank you! :)

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Rebecca Lee
19:09 Jul 31, 2020

Hey. First of all, I would like to commend you on your choice of the writing prompt and the story that you have woven together. The introduction really grabbed my attention, and the descriptiveness made me feel as if i was a "fly on the wall" observing the action. There are some areas in the story that I might suggest taking a second look at it - I think the dialogue was fine, but there might be some spots that need a little tweaking to making each transition a little smoother. And explanation points - maybe it is just an old pet peeve o...

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Akshat .
05:08 Aug 01, 2020

Thank you for your feedback, Rebecca! I'll use this to my advantage. Thanks for giving me a 4.85 and complimenting my opening! Of course, I'll read your story! Look out for my comment!

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Anushka Binoy
12:23 Jul 31, 2020

Well-written! I think if you focused more on show not tell it would really elevate your writing!

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Akshat .
13:51 Jul 31, 2020

Thank you, Anushka! I'll definitely be better next time!

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ADHI DAS
11:53 Jul 31, 2020

Good read😊

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Akshat .
12:12 Jul 31, 2020

Thank you! Glad you liked it!😁

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The Cold Ice
03:31 Aug 19, 2020

It was a super story .I like it so much

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Akshat .
03:44 Aug 19, 2020

Thank you!

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Jamela Faye
06:26 Aug 17, 2020

Awesome story, totally my type! ( the story, okay? I'm not hitting on you )

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Akshat .
06:58 Aug 17, 2020

Thank you! Lol

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