Super Villains Are Just Evil Dumb People (Part 2)

Basic Boy awoke that morning feeling better than he had on most days. He hoped that his good mood meant Evil Man would not try one of his stupid stunts today. Basic Boy had planned his day perfectly, and if Evil Man thought he could mess it up for him…let’s just say he would have it coming.

         Today was Saturday, one of the only days he ever got off. His real job—not stopping crime—because saving people and fighting stupid villains did not pay. He had checked the weather forecast today and the reporter had mentioned sunny skies with a 2% chance of villainy.

         It was a perfect forecast in Basic Boy’s book, but with Evil Man around, one could never fully rely on the forecast.

         He jumped out of his bed, brushed his teeth, and then flew out his door, literally. He was going to the beach. He was going to lay in the sand and relax. As he was flying, people tried to hail him, but he ignored them. This was his time, he was not Basic Boy today, he was just…. well technically Basic Boy was his name, but he wouldn’t be Basic Boy the hero, he would just be Basic Boy the guy who wanted to enjoy his day off.

         When he got to the beach, he picked a spot far off from people and set down his blanket. He would relax, maybe swim, maybe fly over the ocean, but he would not, definitely not, fight Evil Man or save anybody. If anyone was in trouble, the police would have to save them without his held.

         Thirty minutes in his relaxation, he felt a drop of something fall on his face. He wiped his face and closed his eyes again. It was probably some sand. But as he continued to lay there, he felt more of the drops fall on him. He opened his eyes and looked up. White fluffiness met his vision. And it wasn’t sand, because the sand around him was neither fluffy or white.

         He stood up and looked around. Quickly the ground was beginning to be covered with...was that snow? He groaned. This had to be the works of Evil Man. “Evil Man, I get one day. One day! To not work, to relax and enjoy myself, but no. you just had to make it snow.” He wanted to kill him, but for some reason he could not. Not because he feared going to jail—jail would be a reprieve compared to fighting crime while working a full-time job—rather because it went against his heroism, or because it would mess up the balance of the city.

         Without villains committing crimes, the people of the city would have no idea what to look at and he would have nothing even remotely interesting to do.

         He yanked up his blanket and flew back home, this time stopping because the mayor hailed him.

         “I think Evil Man made it show in the summer.” The mayor gestured to the sky with a panicked look.

         You think? Honestly, the mayor did this every time. Evil man would do something, the mayor would act surprised, tell Basic Boy to fix it, put Evil Man in jail, only for him to “escape” later.

         “I’m on my way.” Basic Boy allowed all his pent-up sarcasm to sound in his voice before leaving the mayor behind. He hurried back to his apartment to grab his suit. For some reason, he could never go to a fight without his suit. And unlike the heroes portrayed in movies, he could not simply summon his suit and did not wear it under his clothes. He had tried that once and had found himself stuck with the worse possible wedgie.

         Once he had his suit on, he rushed over to Evil Man’s not-so-secret lair. This time though, the typical henchmen were not waiting outside to fight him. Suspicious, but he just ignored it. The faster he could get to Evil Man and stop his scheme, the faster he could return to the beach.

         Evil Man was waiting for him in his usual spot. In a moment, he would turn around and pretend like he just knew the moment Basic Boy had arrived, but Basic Boy knew better than believe that Evil Man just knew. In fact, Basic Boy knew for a fact that Evil Man just had cameras placed around and held a screen so he could see the exact moment Basic Boy entered.

         Evil Man turned around and smiled. “How do you like the weather?”

         Basic Boy gave a sardonic look. “Let’s not play this game today, Evil Man. You know for a fact that this was my day off.”

         Evil Man gave a fake innocent look. “How would I know that?”

         He rolled his eyes. “You know because, just like being a hero doesn’t pay, neither does being a villain.” Evil Man worked at the same job as Basic Boy. He did not understand why Evil Man did not just rob a bank or something, but he also never felt the need to say anything, no reason to give the man anymore ideas. “Just tell me how to turn your stupid snow machine off, so I can get back to the beach.”

         Evil man scowled. “It is not a stupid machine. It is my Snow…Machine 4.0ish. I haven’t decided the name yet, but I will. I created this piece of ingenious because I…”

         “Because what, Evil Man? I never pegged you the sort to run out of words.” He wanted to fly to Evil Man and punch him, then destroy the machine, but he decided to wait until he finished talking.

         “Well, alright. I created it to ruin your day off. Why not? It is so fun to mess with you? After all, isn’t that what enemies are for?” He paused. “Oh, and one more thing.” He held out a gun looking thing and pointed it at Basic Boy. “This is for calling my machine stupid.” He pulled the trigger and, in a moment, Basic boy was frozen in a block of ice. He tried to move, but he could not.

         “Enjoy being a human popsicle, Basic Boy.” Then with an evil laugh, he was gone.

         He tried to rock, thinking that if he rocked enough, he could tip himself and the ice would shatter. But he could not gain enough momentum. He knew then that he could not get out of this alone, he had to contact the Superhero League. He tried to figure out how he could get in contact with the league. He, like the other members of the league, all wore watches that—with a single touch—would contact all the other members. He wiggled his finger. All he had to do was reach the watch. The process was hopelessly slow, but after some time he was able to press the button.

         Several moments later, the league arrived. The other four members of the league, Heat Girl, Invisible Man, Fast Lady, and Lightning Kid, all gathered around him. Thinking about their names made him wonder why he had been called Basic Boy and not Fly Boy or Flying Boy, but it made since being that his only personality trait was being basic.

         “Looks like he’s trapped.” Lightning Kid said. One would assume that he was an actual child, but he was not. He was called that simply because he had discovered his lightning powers after being struck by lightning as a child. “Maybe I should strike the ice. That should destroy the ice.”

         “Yes, but that would injure Basic Boy in the process.” Fast Lady’s words were just as fast as every other part of her, including her brain, which made her the smartest one in the group. “I have an idea. Heat Girl, heat up the ice. I will run around and spread the heat all around.”

         Heat Girl nodded and aimed her heat towards the ice surrounding Basic boy. Fast Lady also began to run around the ice and together, they freed Basic Boy.

         “Thanks guys. Now we just need to destroy Evil Man’s machine. Oh, and where’s Invisible Man? Did he leave? Or did he just not come?”

         “I’m right here.” The voice sounded behind him, but a figure did not accompany the voice.

         “Oh good. So how do you guys propose we destroy this machine?”

         “I have an idea.” Lightning boy aimed a lightning bolt at the machine and it clattered to the ground in small burnt pieces.

         Basic Boy watched and then turned to the rest of the group. “Good, now let’s go. It is not too late for me to enjoy the rest of my day.”

         “Wait, don’t you want to find Evil Man?” Invisible Man asked.

         “Nope, I could not care less about finding him. He does not know that I have been freed. I am going back to the beach.” He flew out the door, only to realize that it was now night.

“Curse you, Evil Mannnn!”