130 comments

Thriller Fantasy Suspense

She's everywhere. She doesn't do anything or say anything - just stands there smiling. Everything about her looks dry, but her hands are cold, clammy, and wet. 


Trust me, I know. When she grabbed my arm after I'd dropped my papers in the hallway, my wrist was dripping with water. The shadow of a wet handprint lining the outside of the pisiform on my arm.


I jumped back, not because my arm felt weird, but because she shouldn't even be here. She left. There was no way she was still at Georgetown High. She left. 


There was no escaping her after the incident in the hallway. I had been avoiding her all that morning, but after lunch, we had the rest of our classes together. I sit as far away from her as I can. It doesn't help.


Out the corner of my eye, I could see her staring at me. Smiling. Smiling as if she has a secret. Smiling because we have a secret. Sometimes she turns her focus back to the teacher, and I try to do the same, but every time I look back, she's staring at me again. 


Her big blue eyes watery and wide. The smile stretched across her lips looked as if it was forced. Sometimes she doesn't even look like herself. Her skin sags in some places as if she's an ice cream cone melting on the beach. Her fingernail beds dirty as she holds a crooked finger at me and slowly bends the tip as she motions for me to come here. 


Her black hair stayed in the same ponytail it was since she'd went away. Her teeth so pointed and jagged, they remind me of a shark. Sometimes she'll sit in her chair so long that puddles form beneath her even though her pants don't seem to be soaked at all. And she's never drenched. Never.


I can never see where the water is coming from. I can only see those big blue eyes - watching. No one seems to notice that she's different. No one seems to care that something's wrong. By the time the bell rings, I want to scream and run out of the classroom, but I know that's a cowardly move. 


The only way to leave the classroom is out the front door - the back door is always locked - which is exactly where she's sitting, at the front. And I'm at the very back of the room. Scared. I slowly get out of my seat and gather my things, hoping that maybe she'll leave before I do. But she doesn't. She just sits at her desk, the water still pooling under her seat, smiling. Although more water is being released, the puddle never gets bigger. It just follows her everywhere she goes. 


I briskly walk past her desk and almost head out of the door, aware that she's staring at the side of my head, and I hear something. It's so silent you wouldn't hear it if you weren't listening, but I was. She snarled, "Hope you can swim, Mara" and a chill runs through my spine. 


>>>_<<<


Sitting in my bed, I'm still thinking of her. I just got out of the shower, not even fully dressed before I collapsed with exhaustion. I'm not tired but I'm not rested either. I need to do my homework, but spending all day avoiding her, I couldn't concentrate. I'm not hungry but my stomach is doing somersaults that I've never even attempted in tumbling when I was 7. 


Outside of my closed door, I hear the television playing in the background. It must be a late-night football game because Dad's yelling for someone to "throw the dang ball". There are no other signs of life besides my sister, Emily, in the room next to me who is banging something up against the wall. "Hey, Emily. Stop that!" I scream. 


It didn't stop, and I knew it wouldn't, but it was worth a try. There's no way I can talk to a seventeen-year-old who expects a Porche on her next birthday and expect not to get ignored. 


Before I can get off the bed to go over to Emily's room, I start to smell something weird. It smells like the sea but that can't be right. Suddenly, the normally beige carpet turned a deep brown and I realized that the carpet is wet. But how can that be? The door doesn't even have any spaces for water to escape through, so where is it coming from?


And the pool of water grows bigger and bigger and it starts to rise up over the legs of my dressers. It looks like it's coming alive. And coming closer. To me. 


For a moment I consider opening the door and running outside and never stopping until I'm five towns away. Except I know running won't help me. I know I'll never get away from this because I caused it. I know deep down, she will find me and she won't stop until she gets what she wants. 


I jump up out of the bed and the sheets tangle around my ankle as the water reaches the comforter of my bed. I suddenly remember a dream I once had waking up with seaweed hampered over my body. The water climbs higher and higher every second and soon the water reaches my chin. 


I have to get out of here. I have to get to my parents. The water is too cold. I can't breathe. I inch my way enough to reach down and grab my door handle. I unclicked the lock so it would be easy to tug it open, but it doesn't budge. Panic rises in my chest while the actual water rises up over my head. 


I bang my fists on the door as I try to keep my head above the water. The covers still tangled around my legs feel slimy as they grip my feet and pull me back to my bed. When it pulls me under, I get a glimpse of what was holding my feet. The smell is repulsive - like spinach and fish mixed together. The slimy leaves snake up my ankle and grip so tight they pull me down under.


I yell for my parents. Scream for Emily. For someone, anyone, to help. They don't hear me. Or they do and they don't want to help. If they knew what I did, they'd probably think it's better this way. 


My fingers are almost numb as I try to swim away to get to my window. The seaweed put up a good fight as it pulled me back three times before I gave up. I closed my eyes and let the water consume me. But it doesn't. When I open my eyes, the water is gone. I'm still in my bed with my covers wrinkled beneath me. They are tangled around my legs still, but everything looks normal. But this is not normal. Nothing is.


>>>_<<<


I'm dreaming again. I know I'm dreaming because there's no way I'd come back to the lake again. That, and the birds and trees aren't moving. It's like they're frozen in time. Everything is still. 


I'm in the middle of the forest but I can see the lake in the distance. I see two figures and both of them look familiar. The pressed uniforms gave the tell-tale sign that they both go to Georgetown High. One of them has brown hair that stops shoulder-length and a fluffy build. She looked nervous and scared as she stands on the dock with her hands in tight fists at her sides. Tears are streaming down her face as she keeps saying "No. Please don't." 


The other figure has ink-black hair that was set in a tight detective-style ponytail. She wasn't what you called fat but she wasn't skinny either. She had a vicious look in her eyes as she was yelling at her. The brown-haired girl seemed so small compared to her. The black-haired girl began to push the other across the dock towards the lake, not caring that the girl almost stumbled over.


She pushes her again and this time, the girl almost goes over the edge before she grabs on to the black-haired girl and whips herself around back on the dock to safety. In the middle of the struggle, the black-haired girl goes over the dock and stays under. She doesn't come back up. 


The brown-haired girl creeps over to the edge and crouches down. There was no movement until she'd seen a head pop up from the surface to her right. And hand slowly reached out, grasping for anything it could get its hands on. Frantically, she jolted up and held the girl's head down. There was a little struggle with the two girls, then nothing.


Oh my god. I know what I'm seeing. This isn't a dream, it's a memory. The memory. The memory of when I pushed her into the water and drowned her. 

April 09, 2021 18:06

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130 comments

Cookie Carla🍪
18:38 Apr 09, 2021

Hello everybody!! We got dem spring vibes in here yo and I needed a pop of Spring!! Anywho, I am really proud of how this story turned out. I've been having the WORST writer's block and this is the story I rolled out with and I'm super proud. All I ask is for you to legit tear my story a part. Like, rip it to shreds. Literally. Thanks anyways and comment "🍀" if you read this comment. #spreadingdemluckyvibes

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Nyx ⛥
18:40 Apr 20, 2021

🍀

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Cookie Carla🍪
18:52 Apr 20, 2021

OMG... are those the colors of your pride flag??? That's my flag too!!!

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Nyx ⛥
18:56 Apr 20, 2021

Really!? Yes these are the colors of my pride flage! Yahooo, more bi's on reedsy!

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Cookie Carla🍪
18:57 Apr 20, 2021

YASSSS I finally came public with it after TWO LONG YEARS and it feels AMAZING to know who I am and what I am!!!

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Nyx ⛥
19:01 Apr 20, 2021

Omg yes QUEEN!!! Im so happy for you! i just can out last year

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Pippin Took
20:50 Apr 20, 2021

🍀

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Cookie Carla🍪
20:52 Apr 20, 2021

Tank yous!!

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Spense Long
11:34 Apr 21, 2021

🍀

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Cookie Carla🍪
13:14 Apr 21, 2021

Thank you!!

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Michael Boquet
19:30 Apr 14, 2021

Oh, my! What an intense read. I love how your main character's tone gets less unraveled as the story regresses. It adds an extra layer to her state of mind. I also love that the reader is left to guess whether the drowned girl's appearances are the result of a haunting or just guilt induced hallucinations. This is my favorite of your stories that I've read so far. Very well done!

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Cookie Carla🍪
19:50 Apr 14, 2021

OMG thank you so much!! Your feedback is always appreciated and your kind words just made my day. Thank you so so so so so much!!! <333

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Cookie Carla🍪
19:04 Apr 20, 2021

Just realized you read it already. Never mind😅

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Michael Boquet
19:56 Apr 20, 2021

Ha ha, no worries!

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Monica June
22:58 May 17, 2021

This was a very interesting read! I liked the pace, the momentum was good. I always love a good thriller. Your descriptions were awesome, too. I loved the ending, so I wouldn't change it, but you could probably hint at it a bit more in the beginning. Otherwise, it was great. Keep it up!

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Cookie Carla🍪
13:01 May 18, 2021

Thank you for the feedback and the read!!

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H L Mc Quaid
18:50 May 17, 2021

An interesting premise and I like how the mystery slowly reveals itself. You have some nice sensory elements (visual, auditory, olfactory and tactile), which make the story more immersive. A few things. The tense changed quite a lot, from present to past, even within the same paragraph. Also, consider reducing phrases like "I see" "I hear" and just say what she experiences. Example: "... I see two figures and both of them look familiar." Could be.."Two people, who look familiar, stand on the shore of the lake." Example: "Outside of my c...

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Cookie Carla🍪
18:58 May 17, 2021

YESS!!! Thank you so much for your feedback! I'm glad you picked this story because this was the first actual thriller story that I've written and it was after a long period of Writer's Block and I was so excited about how it turned out. 1. I've been having some trouble staying on my tenses. That's probably why my dad says 'you write how you talk' but idk... I'm working on it though!! 2. YES!! I see what you mean! I actually just critiqued another person's story because she told the reader what was going on instead of showing so I definite...

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H L Mc Quaid
19:06 May 17, 2021

glad I could help. I'm compiling my own list of active verbs (i like to scan through it once in a while, to remind myself of different ways to express action). The advice in that Reedsy article is really good (as is the list of verbs), so I'm glad you're bookmarking it. It's fun to swap out adverbs for verbs (or at least, I think it's fun, but then I'm weird so...).

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Moon Lion
05:47 May 09, 2021

I liked this story a lot! I'm a sucker for the whole multi-layered mystery, elements of both psychology and the supernatural, so I really liked it. One thing I would've liked would be a bit more connection between the end and the beginning, like more bread crumbs leading to the end and giving it away a little. But apart from that, it was a good read! Keep it up :)

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Cookie Carla🍪
13:14 May 10, 2021

Thanks yous for the read and comment!! LUHV the feedback also; I do think somehow that I should've added more details and flashbacks. Thanks again!

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Cookie Carla🍪
13:51 May 07, 2021

mfgxshdfdjy THANK YOU!!

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Cookie Carla🍪
15:07 Nov 30, 2021

Hello!! Read my bio pls!!

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Jace A. King👑
13:04 Apr 30, 2021

Well, shoot. This was very good...keep up the great work :)

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Cookie Carla🍪
13:13 Apr 30, 2021

Thanks🥰

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Cookie Carla🍪
15:07 Nov 30, 2021

Hello!! Read my bio pls!!

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Michael Mc Gee
15:21 Apr 26, 2021

I got shivers as I read this. Your descriptions are really drawn out. Nice work.

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Cookie Carla🍪
17:57 Apr 26, 2021

Thank youuu!!!

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"They are tangled around my legs still, but everything looks normal. But this is not normal. Nothing is." Wow, Cookie this was really well written. You really nailed the descriptions and the creepy atmosphere and mood. Your story was intense while also being really interesting and gripping to the last sentence. You really did an amazing job, you should be proud. ~Alainna

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Cookie Carla🍪
13:47 Apr 26, 2021

Thank you so much for the read, comment, feedback, EVERYTHING!! It really means so much to me!!!!!!

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of course, any time.♥ ~Alainna

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Cookie Carla🍪
15:07 Nov 30, 2021

Hello!! Read my bio pls!!

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Corey Melin
02:49 Apr 22, 2021

Intense read. Reminded me of the movie The Ring. Very descriptive so it kept you reading and reading. You did well in keeping the readers attention.

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Cookie Carla🍪
13:00 Apr 22, 2021

Thank you so much!!

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wow. Lots of mixed feelings about this... Half of me wants to see a part two to understand what happens better...but the other part of me wants to run away XD. The imagery was very vivid which helped us get a better view of things...but just wow. So much was happening (especially when she was underwater), but you did a great way of taming it. Great job! L.W.

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Cookie Carla🍪
20:56 Apr 21, 2021

*pst-* There may be a part two... I'm still trying to read everyone's stories and catch up with everything, but if the prompts on Friday are better, I most definitely will be making a part 2!! Thank you L.W.!!

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okay, good to know! I'll read it if you do :)

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Cookie Carla🍪
15:07 Nov 30, 2021

Hello!! Read my bio pls!!

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Amarah Friedman
18:40 Apr 21, 2021

Ooooh. Good story. At first it was simple, perhaps a school flirtation, and then bam! Is it a water sprite? Bam! Why does it want her? Bam! What a memory! Great work with the suspense. Loved it.

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Cookie Carla🍪
19:10 Apr 21, 2021

Its a woooo ghost🤫 She drowned her🤭 ooo suspenseful right🤔 Thank yous🤗🤗

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Amarah Friedman
13:12 Apr 22, 2021

So suspenseful! 🤫🤗

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Spense Long
11:37 Apr 21, 2021

I thought thus was a really captivating story. Really hooks you in from the beginning. My favorite part was your MC being swallowed up by the bed. If I had any complaints it was that I don't think you needed to say it was a memory at the end, or maybe find a different way to show it. Otherwise, awesome work!!

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Cookie Carla🍪
13:13 Apr 21, 2021

Thank you so much for reading my story and leaving feedback!! Question, how else would you, yourself, end the story?

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Spense Long
15:09 Apr 21, 2021

I think it would be fun for the narrator to see the black haired girl standing over her and slowly the narrator realizes that she's under water and the black haired girl is holding her down. Then maybe the black haired girl changes to look like the narrator. Something like that. lol

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Spense Long
15:09 Apr 21, 2021

I think it would be fun for the narrator to see the black haired girl standing over her and slowly the narrator realizes that she's under water and the black haired girl is holding her down. Then maybe the black haired girl changes to look like the narrator. Something like that. lol

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Cookie Carla🍪
15:23 Apr 21, 2021

Oooo that's a fun idea!!! I'll keep that one in my back pocket :) I might delete this story off along with some others to re edit and post for another prompt.

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Daniel Hayes
21:58 Apr 20, 2021

Hi, This was a really good story. I thought you did an excellent job creating the main character. That first paragraph really grabbed my attention and made me want to read more. You said you had writer's block, but I would have never known based on this excellent story. The ending did catch me by surprise and I really liked it. Great job! :)

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Cookie Carla🍪
13:14 Apr 21, 2021

Thank you soooooo much to the universe and BACK!!!!

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Daniel Hayes
15:59 Apr 21, 2021

You're welcome :) Thank you for writing and sharing it!!!!!

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Coco Longstaff
21:15 Apr 20, 2021

You sure did follow the prompt! Ever made sense when I read the last sentence, but it was also kinda creepy😅 It’s well written, youre good at writing!

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Cookie Carla🍪
21:24 Apr 20, 2021

Thank you so much for reading!!! Your comment means soooo much!

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Coco Longstaff
21:26 Apr 20, 2021

😁

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Cookie Carla🍪
15:08 Nov 30, 2021

Hello!! Read my bio pls!!

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20:02 Apr 20, 2021

You said you had writer's block...honestly this story is amazing! I really enjoyed the use of the description—how I can picture it in my head, but you didn't sit down for a minute to talk about the forest and the lake or their eye colours and ages. Just enough so we know who is who. Great job! I might be drowning in my next nightmare...

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Cookie Carla🍪
20:42 Apr 20, 2021

So basically add more details to the forest and Mara and the other girl. Gotcha. I'll keep that one in my back pocket :) Thank you so much for reading and commenting. It really means so much to me!! <33

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21:07 Apr 20, 2021

Ahh...sorry haha...*you didn't HAVE to sit down for a minute to talk about the forest and the lake or their eye colours and ages, but I could still picture it in my head. You wrote it so it went along with the story, but when I write *as an example* it's like: "they walked into the forest. The forest was tall, filled with oak trees reaching for the cerulean sky". Basically I thought your details were great. And of course, I'll read your stories anytime!

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Cookie Carla🍪
21:10 Apr 20, 2021

Oooo I like the detail on the color of the sky!!

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Nyx ⛥
18:39 Apr 20, 2021

Wow! I loved this story! it was so well writen and you are such a great writer!

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Cookie Carla🍪
18:51 Apr 20, 2021

Thank you!! <3

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Rose Quartz
22:27 Apr 19, 2021

👍

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Cookie Carla🍪
13:18 Apr 20, 2021

Thank you?

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20:12 Apr 19, 2021

Hi Carla. First off, great story. The pacing, build-up and twist was great. Not to mention but your use of words and descriptions are second to none. Not a criticism but keep an eye on past/present tense. Other than that, consider me a fan. I look forward to reading more of your stories.

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Cookie Carla🍪
20:35 Apr 19, 2021

Thank you so much!! I've gotten a lot of feedback on my tenses in this story. I can't edit it anymore because it's already been approved, but if I delete this story in a month I'll republish it with more improvements. Your feedback will not go unnoticed. Thanks yous!!!

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20:44 Apr 19, 2021

Things such as tense are minor details, Carla and easily fixed. The way I see it is, we're all here to tell a good story and that's what counts. Keep writing - you can only get better.

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01:51 Apr 14, 2021

You opening was absolutely stunning and perfectly flesh-crawling! I loved how the narrator kept denying her actions and never addressing what she did, always saying "she left" instead of acknowledging the girl's death. Your characters were also very vivid and well-thought out, I could believe that Mara could be a real person, and the little details about her character and her home never felt out of place. I thought it was obvious from the start (or at least pretty early on) that the narrator killed or had something to do with the death o...

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Cookie Carla🍪
13:30 Apr 14, 2021

Thank youuuusss for reading my story and giving feedback!!! I most definitely will come to check out one of your stories later on in a minute. The "memory", without saying it, I wanted it to be the dark-haired girl haunting her and giving her memories of what happened. At the beginning of the story I think I briefly mentioned thm being best friends, I probably could've added more detail to that topic so the reader would know. I wanted it to be like their friendship fell out and the dark-haired girl and Mara were having an argument on the d...

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Angel {Readsy}
15:31 Apr 14, 2021

You has written a fantastic , exemplary , wonderful story

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Cookie Carla🍪
15:58 Apr 14, 2021

Tank yous!

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17:52 Apr 14, 2021

very interesting, thanks for letting me know your work process!

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Cookie Carla🍪
19:03 Apr 14, 2021

Would you like to take my writing quiz? Here: https://forms.gle/yJjUqZHczPbtASCF9

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