Alone With the Fire

By the time you step outside, the leaves are on fire. But you didn’t step outside. You were in your room the whole time.

Orange and yellow flames flicker in front of your face.

Hard banging on the door disrupts your focus.

“Open the damn door!’ your father yells, but you simply shake your head.

It’s my fault, you think, I need to face it.

So you ignore your dad and sink back into your mind, wanting to torture yourself until you break. Because it was all for her.

I could’ve stopped her, but I’m so stupid, and I didn’t.

The day she moved, she didn’t tell you. You found out as the principal told everyone over the loudspeaker.

That made you feel horrible. Worse than a man forced to eat his wife.

You weren’t special. You were everyone else. A nobody.

The flames flicker even higher, burning the yellow, red, and orange leaves that fall from the tree.

That is how you feel now, burning before you even touch the ground. Suspended in mid-air.

Flames overtaking you.

That’s what you want. To feel the pain.

The guilt.

The blame.

The fire.

You need this. You know you do.

Nobody else can take the blame.

You will never see her again, and you hadn’t even said ‘sorry.’

But you know that if Katelynn were here, she would tell you that you were forgiven. That it was okay.

But it wasn’t.

It wasn’t okay.

Nothing was okay.

She’d always been a forgiving person.

You glance down at the note in your hands. Smiling at the first words. She’d always spelled your name wrong, and it was cute.

Dear Julis,

Thank you for being my frend, and thank you for lisening to me when I blow the wistle (I know, it is bad!)

-Katelynn

Tears flood your eyes. She'd trusted you. You had been her friend. She'd given you Valentine's Day gifts every year, even when you'd made fun of her.

The flames act as if someone poured gasoline on them.

Although your eyesight was blurry, you took another note down. This one was on the wall, and you'd never forgotten what it said. It made you cry without fail, every single time you had read it.

I miss you, Julis. Where did you go? Not the 'you' now, but the 'you' before. Where is he? Let him out, I want to see him. Please.

-Katelynn ❤

She'd noticed your change. Anyone would. And she'd always been sensitive. She noticed that you made fun of her speech, instead of laughing with her about other things.

When you told her that you guys could only be friends outside of school or when nobody was around, that'd been the last straw for her.

You remember that she always used to sound out words before writing them, and they would almost always be spelled wrong.

But she didn't care about that.

Katelynn had always preferred writing letters, especially because when she spoke, nobody understood her.

Now she was gone, and it was all your fault. She had to start over, and it was all your fault. Everything was your fault.

She had liked you, and you had broken her heart.

Shattered it.

Into pieces.

Broken, irreversible heart.

No matter how much you tried, you couldn't put it back together. You never got the chance to, because she'd moved.

Moved states.

All because of you.

You.

"Open the door, Julius!" your mother screams, and you could hear her sobs.

`The same sobs that Katelynn had probably cried when she'd figured out that you had been talking about her behind her back.

The boys had cornered you in the staircase and talked about Katelynn. You hadn't partaken in their chat, but you knew from posters in school. Bystanders were just as bad, if not worse, than bullies.

Plus, she'd given you gifts and chocolate. Nobody else had ever been that nice to you.

If she kills herself, it'll be my fault too. I forced her to cry, to move, to start over, It was already hard enough for her, dammit!

The fire spread to the leaves and the branches connected to those leaves.

"Why is his door locked?!" your father says in a low tone, growling at your mother.

"I-I don't kn-kno-know!"

If only you hadn't listened to the people who were mocking Katelynn. If only you'd shooed them away like pesky flies and continued with your day. If only you had talked to Katelynn about everything. If only you had told someone.

The flames spread from the branches to the trunk itself. The entire tree is engulfed in flames.

Katelynn had autism, and she couldn't speak well. Nobody understood her.

She'd trusted you. She thought you wouldn't make fun of her.

But you did.

You traded the one person who actually liked you for a chance to be liked by everyone.

Except nobody actually liked you. Not before, not after, and definitely not now.

Before, you had only watched people make fun of her, even if they were right next to her. You had shaken your head at those people and promised Katelynn that you wouldn't become one of them.

You had promised her.

Promised.

Let her down.

She cried.

You watched her, and you suffered too. But you didn't tell her. You didn't talk to her.

And that seemed to be fine with Katelynn because she didn't talk to you either.

You sob, covering your mouth with your hand.

Tears trail down your cheeks, and you wish that you could put out the fire you had started.

Salvage what was left of your friendship.

But you knew you couldn't salvage anything.

There was nothing left.

Ashes.

"No..." you croak. It is the first time you heard yourself talk in months.

Still sobbing, you quietly walk over to the door and unlock it. Sitting on the floor next to your door are both your mother and father. Their eyes are wide and full of relief that their son is okay. If only they'd known what you'd done to your once best friend.

They stand up straight as soon as they see you.

"Julius," - your father clears his throat - "Katelynn's here to see you."