The Nitwits Around Here are Such a Bore

A castle keep is all that remains of an ancient crumbling castle. It overlooks a valley centered on a tiny island surrounded by dragon-infested mountains. The shadow elves brought the Eye of Duran, which they stole from King Moreland of Selwyn, to this keep for safekeeping.

The shadow elves allied with the fire-bolt dragons because the Selwyn navy wouldn't have a prayer to follow. The fiery barrage from the dragons would obliterate their ships before they spotted one palm tree.

A messenger dragon sent from their fleet out at sea had warned them that Lady Nimmo was possibly on her way, so they positioned themselves throughout the island. When the underwater boat landed with Lady Nimmo, Jor, and Trungen, they knew it and watched. When the time was right, they emptied the keep of troops and marched to the cave.

Timgar, the illustrious leader of the shadow elves holding the keep, killed time with an intellectual conversation. "It's one of the things I hate about 'good.' It always finds a way to stop 'evil,'" he signed air quotes for good and evil.

"Now you're just being obstinate," Captain Arrow James said from behind his prison bars. "Do you think a two-legged pirate can't see? Your air quotes clearly indicate you don't believe in the concepts of 'good' and 'evil.'" The captain mimicked air quotes.

"You see right through me. It's so nice to have a fellow intellectual to converse with."

Timgar was leaning back in his chair, oblivious to the events outside the keep. During his conversation with his prisoner, Lady Nimmo and her stumpers had imprisoned most of his troops and sent spies to ascertain the keep's remaining strength – which wasn't much.

Timgar continued, "The nitwits around here are such a bore, always talking about swords and whips. Blah, blah, blah. Never about amoralism or the merits of nihilism. I've been so inspired and lifted to heights of enlightenment that I'm honestly beginning to believe our conversation doesn't exist. You know what I mean?"

"Absolutely." The captain stood and grabbed the bars. "Now I've been thinking as best as I can, being handicapped by these two legs of mine. These bars? Do they exist? If not, those keys hanging above your head don't exist either, so you couldn't throw them to me even if you wanted to."

"That's what I'm talking about. Genius! You are the only one who understands. Your right," Timgar grabbed the keys, "These can't exist if your bars don't. How can we test our theory?"

"Oh, I don't know. How about throwing the keys in here."

"Great idea! I can't throw them to you if they don't exist."

"Right. So, toss them here."

Timgar made to toss the keys when one of his elves entered. "Sir!"

Timgar looked as guilty as a kid near a broken window.

"Were you about to throw the keys to the prisoner?"

"How dare you! Me? Throw the keys? That may or may not exist! Ridiculous!"

The elf shook his head. "We haven't heard back from our troops, and stumpers are sneaking around the keep."

"What! That can't be." He stormed out of the dungeon, leaving the elf and captain alone.

"Really!" The elf said. "Stop messing with him. I can overlook the first two times, but three, seriously!"

Timgar and his remaining elves searched the valley from the keep's battlements. They spotted stumpers everywhere.

"This means we lost. Inconceivable!" Timgar said. "Didn't our spies say she lost her power to create stumpers?"

"They did, sir."

"Then why are there stumpers?"

The five remaining elves looked towards each other. The answer was so obvious they didn't know whether it was a rhetorical question. One elf finally broke the confused silence. "She found it."

Timgar stared down the elf who had just spoken and then surveyed the valley again. "Oh, that makes sense."

"Sir, over here!"

They saw over a hundred magical stumps led by Lady Nimmo and Trungen, armed with swords, whips, and bows.

"Should I blow the horn?"

"It's time. Blow the horn," Timgar ordered.

A high-pitched blast that sounded like an eagle filled the valley. The stumper army heard it, and so did the dragons. Dozens of fire-bold dragons flew from their nests and converged on the wooden army.

"They're coming, just like Jor told us," Trungen said.

"Now that I see them, I wish my father was wrong," Lady Nimmo shivered in fear, her adrenaline pumping fiercely. "Give the signal."

Trungen rose above, waving her staff in patterns. The stumpers in the open field moved into square formations. Trungen waved toward the forest behind her, and stumpers hidden by the forest waved a flag in acknowledgment.

Trungen descended, "We're ready."

Dragons aren't the brightest torch in a room. They had no attack strategy, nor did they have a leader. They paid no attention to the square formations and didn't notice the hidden stumpers. They recklessly flew straight towards the enemy with mouths blazing.

The first wave of dragons reigned down fire bolts, hitting several stumpers and igniting them on fire. They immediately dropped and rolled into the center of the square formation. They continued to roll, dousing the flames. The dragons dived closer, continuing to spit their bolts, hitting a few more. Meanwhile, the outer edge of the square formation used their whips and aimed for the dragon's necks or wings. A dragon felt a whip wrap around its neck. It crashed into a formation of stumpers, and they turned the fallen beast into a pin cushion of swords.

Seeing one of their own killed, the wing of dragons ascended higher. However, the distance tremendously hampered their accuracy, and the stumpers found the bolts easy to evade.

Seeing the dragon's reluctance for close combat, Trungen rose and signaled the stumpers in the forest. In a synchronized line, they emerged from the forest edge, aimed their bows, and fired into the wing of dragons. The dragons' attention was on the army in the valley; they never saw the arrows coming. The dragons took arrows in the wings and body. A few suffered mortal wounds. The dragons were surprised. They were told by the shadow elves it would be an easy battle. They discovered the stumpers were anything but an easy foe. They wanted nothing more to do with these magic trees. They limped back to their nests, no longer fighting, no matter how much treasure those stupid elves offered.

Lady Nimmo and friends lay siege to the keep. They sent a stumper with a message calling for their surrender. After some time, a figure emerged from a small door. Everyone was expecting a shadow elf but was shocked when a man in fancy breeches, a tan silk shirt, and a red velvet coat walked toward the messenger. His hat signified the rank of captain, but the markings betrayed him as a pirate.

The messenger returned to Lady Nimmo. "He says he represents the elves and requests to parley with you face to face, my Lady."

"Tell him we agree."

The pirate, Lady Nimmo, Trungen, and a dozen stumpers met in the middle. Lady Nimmo couldn't help but notice how swashbuckling handsome he appeared. He exuded confidence despite being outnumbered and surrounded.

"My Lady, I've heard so much about you, and yet it all pales compared to your dazzling beauty," he bowed. "A lowly two-legged pirate is undeserving of your presence."

"I've also heard much about you, Captain Arrow James."

"You know my name?" The pirate was unable to hide his surprise.

Lady Nimmo carried the book from the cave she had discovered in a previous adventure, which is sure to be remembered by all. "Is this your book?"

"Oh, you found it. You don't know how happy I am to see that again," he reached out for it. "I thought the shadow elves destroyed it after capturing me."

"I will return it, but first, tell me what a parley is. And how did you end up on the elves' side? From your book, you don't strike me as one who would keep their company."

"No, no! I'm not on their side," Captain Arrow raised his hands in surrender. "I was forced to parley with you. Oh, forgive me, I forgot I was dealing with landlubbers. You call it a negotiation."

"I see." Lady Nimmo sighed internally. "Well, regarding negotiations, we want the Eye of Duran and all shadow elves to leave this island."

"Timgar told me to ask about their weapons."

"They will leave in disgrace. Not one weapon will be returned," she squared her shoulders. "They fought dishonorably, hiding behind an old man and dragons. They deserve the shame."

"I will give them your terms." Captain Arrow turned to leave.

"Wait. I have one more term," she couldn't help but smile. "You are to be released into our custody."

He bowed, "Thank you, my Lady, a two-legged pirate doesn't deserve your consideration."

He returned to the keep. Timgar was outraged by the terms but relented. The stumpers marched the prisoners to their ship docked in a nearby bay. Before being allowed to board, Trungen destroyed the ship's catapults and archer towers.

"Lady Nimmo, we will not forget this humiliation," Timgar held his head high. "We will meet again."

They watched as the elves' ship rowed out to sea. The tension eased. Stumpers teased, Trungen's light dimmed to a more relaxed hue, and Lady Nimmo and Captain Arrow started conversing about his book.

"You kept using the term "two-legged," throughout your book. What do you mean by it?" Lady Nimmo asked.

"It would be a very sensitive subject if it weren't so noticeable. Since I can't keep it to myself, I make sure everyone knows that I know everyone knows that my two legs are a shameful burden." He kicked a rock and was unable to lift his head. "It's a fact every self-respecting pirate has one leg. But, alas, I've been cursed to have them both still."

"You mean to tell me you're ashamed of having two legs?"

"I don't know how you can bear to walk with a two-legged pirate. Your kindness will never be forgotten. I promise."

She laughed inside, refusing to dishonor the captain by making light of his blight. She felt so happy, although she didn't know why. She thought, "It had to be the victory. Right? Sure, that's why I feel this way. It's the victory."