Mind the gap

“Ok, Quiet place? Check! No distractions? Check. Cup of tea? Check! Well, here goes nothing.

(Inhale, Exhale)

“Since when did we start drinking tea? Does tea make us hip? Are you a hipster now? But, you can’t even grow a beard!”

”It’s chamomile. It’s supposed to help me relax. Now please be quiet.”

(Inhale, Exhale)

“You know what’s a fun word to say? Cabbage! It might be even more fun to say than bubbles. That reminds me of a time when….

”Do you mind?!”

“Oops. I’ll shush.”

(Inhale, Exhale, Inhale….)

“Somethin bout you, makes me feel like a dangerous woomaaan! Somethin bout, somethin bout, somethin bout you…

“Would you please shut up! Just for ten minutes. That’s all I ask. Just ten silent minutes.”

“I’m sorry. Ten minutes is not to much to ask. I promise to be silent. You have my word Edmund!”

“Thank you.”

(Inhale….)

”Who’s Edmund?”

“What do you mean? You are, you silly goose! Don’t tell me all this silence has caused you to forget your own name.”

“First of all, there has been no silence. You have made sure of that. And second of all, my name is not Edmund!”

“Don’t be daft.”

“What? What is that supposed to mean?”

“Haven’t the foggiest idea. I just thought since you are drinking tea now that the goal was to come off as British.”

“No! The goal is to relax. You don’t have to be British to drink tea.”

“That may be true, but if school taught me anything, it’s that you can’t truly be American and drink tea.”

“What are talking ab…”

“The Boston tea party Edmund! Those patriots dumped the tea to show that they were free people. You ungrateful bastard! How could you turn your back on what they did and side with the tyranny of tea?!”

“Good grief! Are you done? Any other hot beverages you want to condemn?”

“Nope. I’m quite satisfied.

“Good. Now could I please have some piece and quiet?

“Certainly.”

(Inhale, Exhale, Inhale, Exhale)

“I have a question.”

“What now?!”

“Why are you doing this?”

“It’s called meditation, and it’s supposed to help…”

“Yes, yes yes. I know what meditation is you oaf. I want to know why YOU are doing it.”

“Because I need it. I’ve got a problem that I can’t quite seem to kick. I need to know why. Understanding what’s inside my head might help. So please, please, be quiet. I’m desperate!”

“Ok Edmund. I’ll shut up.”

“Thank you. And stop calling me Edmund!”

(Inhale, Exhale, Inhale, Exhale, Inhale, Exhale)

“They say I just got a buck, Get into it yuh. Pop out with a truck, Get into it yuh. If you go to church, I said get into it yuh. And if she ain’t gotta butt…)

“What is wrong with you?!

“I’m sorry. I can’t get that song out of me. It’s stuck there like the spinach in your teeth when you asked for that girls number last week. I gotta let it out!”

“Now?! You have to let it out now?! Why can’t you wait ten minutes?! And could you please forget about that girl?!”

“Ten minutes is a long time without music. Besides, meditation is essentially just chilling with your brain. And here we are chilling and rocking out to Doja Cat. Well, I am at least. Your all tensed up and irritable. You should try meditating sometime.”

“Uggghhh! That’s it. I’m done! I was doing this for us you know. I’m trying to fix things but you keep screwing everything up!”

“Oh come now Edmund. Don’t be daft.”

“Stop it! Your not British and my name is not Edmund!”

“It could be though.”

“No it can’t!”

“Why not?”

“It’s not who I am!”

“But you said before that you don’t like you. Which in turn means that you don’t like me. And if you dont like me, then I don’t like me. And if I don’t like me, then I don’t like you. Which means that nobody likes us. So I thought, since you don’t like you, and us, that maybe if you were someone else you would like them.”

“I’m lost.”

“So am I. But we’re communicating, and that’s all that matters.”

“I liked it better when we never communicated.”

“Shut up spinach mouth! What is it that you are trying to fix?”

“(Sigh) There’s a disconnect between what I know is the right thing and what I end up doing. I have knowledge but little wisdom. It’s like I can’t act the way I feel. I just…..”

“So there’s a gap between you and me? Wait! That means….”

“Please dont.”

“You’re trying to…”

“Stop!”

“Mind the gap!”

“Oh geez!”

“You gotta admit, that was punny!”

“I hate you.”

“I don’t care! However, I do feel you should fix the whole hating yourself thing. It’s annoying and quite frankly unbecoming of a gentleman.”

“Shut up! What would you know?!”

“I know you Edmund! I know everything about you! I’m your fricken brain!”

“What I meant is……”

”Maybe instead of spending your time moping around like a human willow tree you could try, I don’t know, getting help!”

“I don’t need help, I need…

“Says the guy currently arguing to himself while sitting on a park bench.”

“You stupid little…”

Your not the only one with problems you know. Everybody has problems. A lot of people have more than you! Jay Z happens to have 99 problems.

(Sigh)

“Sighing is also unbecoming of a gentleman.”

“It’s hard to change. I want to, but it seems like every time I try, I end up failing. I keep ending up back at square one.”

“First of all square one is infancy.” You can’t go back to that even if you wanted to. Second of all, failing is part of learning you tufted titmouse.”

“Tufted titmouse?”

“It’s a bird.”

“Yes I know, but why did you call me that?”

“It just felt right.”

“Oh.”

“Anywhoo. Maybe you should go easy on you, yourself and I. I mean you have a job, and an apartment. You even bath regularly! Those things alone make you a success! Yes a success that smells like strawberry scented epsom salts!

“They we’re on sale and my feet were sore from…

“Yes you may be as manly as 9 year old child…”

“Hey!”

“But you are still succeeding at many parts of life.” You should be more like Jay Z. ‘If your feeling like a pimp, go and brush your shoulders off!”

“What does that have to do with anything? I don’t feel like a pimp.”

“Well then let’s get a flashy suit and a big-ass hat and go pimpin!”

“Do you even know what that means?”

“Pimpin?”

“Yes.”

“I haven’t the foggiest.”

“Well don’t say it then. It isn’t good.”

“Wait, if I don’t know what that means how do you know?”

“There’s a gap, remember?”

“Oh, right. The gap that we are minding.”

(Sigh) “Yes. That gap.”

“You really should stop sighing so much. You’ll never get an invite to the summer cotillion if you keep it up. And sit up straight! You look like Igor from Young Frankenstein. Before you know it you’ll be collecting brains and calling people Frodrick!

“You’re an ass.”

“Nope. That’s the narrator stupid! He misses you by the way.”

”He can’t miss me! He’s imaginary!”

(sigh)

“I need to talk to another human.”

“Like a psychiatrist?”

“I dont know, maybe.”

“Wonderful! They will no doubt offer you much better advice than I. I am quite biased by my loathing of your very being. However, I must warn you, they will probably send you to the loony bin. But don’t let that scare you my dear Edmund. Just accept the help, and the fact that you are a crackpot.

“Gee, thanks.”

”I know what you should do, you should write down everything they help you with in a book and share it with the world. We’d be famous!”

“No!”

“You could start with this conversation!”

“Hell no!”

“To help you get off on the right foot, I’m gonna post our entire conversation on the internet.”

“Please dont! I like my privacy. And we quoted to many music lyrics. Copyright infringement is not to be taken….”

“Hmm privacy. I didn’t think about that. Fame would be great but I’m not sure that it’s worth exposing ourselves to the world. The world isn’t ready for our raw reveal!

“That sounds a bit inappropriate.”

“Yes, you maka compelling argument. We shall keep this conversation to ourselves.”

“Thank god! I was beginning to believe that you….

“Submitted to contest!”

“Damnit!”