Tommy Goround

“(draft)Michelle Stopped Calling” by Tommy Goround

“Dish–nee- Rand!” The new wife had eagerly named all the kids after me for court. There was “Thomas Junior” and “Thomasina” and they really didn’t care what we called them as long as New Dad fulfilled his promise and drove them to the Magic Kingdom.  Thomas Junior pulled my hair the entire way which was better than coffee.  We arrived in a mass of people eagerly trying to get parking spots for the Apolclyspse. It’s like each person wanted to be killed first. I tried to ignore all the totalitarian signs which said things like “No Se...

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“(Draft) Old Stuffed Pig” by Tommy Goround

Trigger Warning: this one's definitely going to be rated X-. It could possibly be interpreted as some components of bestiality. The reader should actually use a text to speech program because the typos at this point are atrocious.. also, I have some missing adjectives just now that I have to fill in. There is some almost mild cussing which is appropriate to the situation. Also, this story might not resonate with people under the age of 35. (I don't think they'll get it.)-1-.Ok. I got my 12 million dollars from selling pretzels at the beach b...

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“Love in the Time of Collars” by Tommy Goround

The Monterey Department of Probation Services recently called and wanted to talk to my dog. I fearfully handed him over the speaker phone and walked away 12 paces as I was instructed. Because I am very short and nosey, I only walked away 12 inches. I thought that my lawyer would understand even if the government did not. “Hello, are we talking to the victim?” My dog barked quickly. I think they ask this question because there have been problems in the past. They want to make sure that just because the phone rings with a robot ...

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“Rock Therapy” by Tommy Goround

Rock Therapy is all the rage these days but I’m not quite sure.  Michelle enters our book club right before we start drinking. She is stumbling and its embarrassing because people realize that I am an imbecile with anything to do with home healing.  Fred-the-flower-man whispers, “Brother, I think you did it wrong.”  I know. I know.  Michelle can’t figure out where to sit though obviously I have left her a seat with a beautiful green velvet pillow and tassels. She is supposed to have that magnetism for her man that she enj...

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“Morgan's Story” by Tommy Goround

Submitted to Contest #270

Grandpa had always taken care of Morgan and it didn’t seem fair that he would give his life to California because Morgan was still in need. Out of the 40 million known people in the state, nearly half had offered themselves for human sacrifice on the Dragon Tree in Galt because they were losing their homes. Because the California Aqueduct went through their farms and they were not allowed to siphon water as their crops died. People needed the prices of food to come down. They needed the dragons. Dragon dung is super nutritious and ...

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“Old People Like to Take Trips” by Tommy Goround

Submitted to Contest #269

Moral: DON'T WAIT UNTIL YOU ARE OLD TO TRAVELtrigger-warning: This story contains terrible ways to help your spouse do permanent harm to humans. There is also some off-the-shelf drug use. Please step gently.***For my birthday Michelle gave me a moldy flower. Since she was from Modesto and people smoke funny things and make psychotropic tea out of bread mold so I kinda shrugged my shoulders and asked, “Are we going on a trip together?”This was really cool because Michelle always wanted to go to Ireland and see if there were other red-hea...

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“Get a Jobi” by Tommy Goround

Submitted to Contest #269

-1-Once upon a time there was a carload of girls smoking pot and yelling towards the drive-through speaker at Taco Bell. The line of cars wasn't moving but my dog in the passenger seat was anxious because he heard there were just 23 minutes left till the end of the world. Now in the old days, with thirty-minute of warning for Russian ICBMs to fly over the ocean, we could have enjoyed major shopping. The old bombs would have neutralized everything while the new bombs are designed to simply kill people and leave most of the infrastructure...

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“Out of Hand” by Tommy Goround

Submitted to Contest #268

All right, the omnipresent omni-powerful phone thing is getting out of hand.  I mean a guy can’t even take a girl out anymore without her trying to wrap his phone in a wad of tin foil. They follow us into the restroom on the first date. Not to make sure we are washing hands but to make sure we do not defile the stalls with the lust which is founded in the Wall Street Journal.  “I can see your feet!”  Olivia is screaming at me and I thought it was a private place and the waiter understood. He would fill her cup with iced tonics...

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“No One Moved ” by Tommy Goround

One day my forearms were so big that I could actually move the surf, change the waves and throw all the water out of Monterey Bay. This really pissed off the hippies but the military was unsure. The United States Navy sent a firmer Admiral who had been demoted to a Captain and he said, “You kinda screwed us, you know?” We looked at the dry land between Old Fishman Warf all the way to Santa Cruz and he pointed to a mile long tunnel that the Navy used to use for harboring subs. I shrugged, “Even my kids know about the tunnel. I didn’t thi...

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“andonai” by Tommy Goround

The problem was something called an ATTRACTIVE NUISANCE, which is to say that my dog ate the finger of Javier (the boss of my landlady) because the dog was so fluffy and beautiful that old Javier had the overwhelming desire to chase and pet the beast so that he might feel the endless love of God, his Nature, and become a happy man again. Unfortunately, Javier was not a happy man. It has been said that he has been alone so long that he smells of pity, his lower lip trembles in rage as he occasionally clenches his teeth so that the spirit...

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“Phil Donahue Was My Dad” by Tommy Goround

Submitted to Contest #264

 Phil Donahue was my dad.And we didn’t have Public Children’s Service Agencies (PCSAs) back in the old days.The government wasn’t on your phoneYou actually had to call the Production Assistant in Chicago(Her name was Margo)Get really close to that round microphone for the phoneStretch out the twirly cord like it's a murder weapon…“Hello, Margo?”You had to use a deep voice because Margo knew some regulations about Child Entrapment.“Margo… you gotta help. I’m telling you.”She is paid to listen. Margo is PAID to listen and grab moving stor...

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“Let It All Out, brutha” by Tommy Goround

Submitted to Contest #261

There’s a sign near my door which reads:60 years maximum parking.It might seem arbitrary but it is given in time units because the bureau sweeper knows my biology. The blood smears have a purpose and we have to make room for the young.The Activity Counselor/Wills & Trust Lawyer comes into my room with a tray of eggs and one flower in a vase. The flower is a dandelion. Judy Bench says I should blow on the dandelion after making a wish and proceed with the eggs (wich are always poached in boiled water).The eggs resemble brain matter unleas...

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“ignore this. Google says I am full” by Tommy Goround

Mad, flying rat, Brady skills. That’s David, Dave, the radiologist of the norther boundary. He tumbles down the townhouse stairs which seperate our kindoms. Today’s sustenance is a bottle of John Bean Whiskey (a cousin of Jim) and he holds back the slurred speach as he hands over the cellular communication scrambler.  “I got this for the kids.”  Everybody knows! They know that google has no place in medical servicing. Dave has been the first full-time hospital employee to acknowledge the threat, to seek an electronic advantage over...

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“Psst...(Jill killed Jack)” by Tommy Goround

⭐️ Shortlisted for Contest #256

“I very much need some socks pretty please with sugar on top.” This was the text that I sent to my estranged ex-wife. The one who wanted to drag me out to the wilderness under the guise of talking about financing our first childs’ entrance into college. I knew that she was old fashioned and wanted to push me from a hill. Just like Fellini. So my last request was not very sinister. I mean, even death row inmates should get some free laundry or a meal. Maybe even a prayer? I looked into the pantry of my rental and decided there ...

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“A Great Longing” by Tommy Goround

Gig Harbor –Mickey came with only a truckload of tools from the south. His body built for logging, the hair set back in a long rope with rubber bands every few inches. I went right over the street and pushed his shoulder. He grunted. “Are you really a Mexican?”He looked around and winced because he didn't know how to answer a basic question. “I'm from Arizona.”It was enough to just run up to a stranger and hug him. Really hug him and force him to realize that he wasn't in Arizona anymore. The playful rain came down and burned the n...

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