Tommy Goround

“Be Gentle... or Not” by Tommy Goround

Did Helen of Troy get old and drippy-eyed? Did she have that wonderful taste of death like Marilyn? I cannot say.I can tell you that one of the unique earthly beauties lives in San Jose. She makes men weak at the knees and women want to push her down the stairs or pet her long flowering hair. She was once at italian model in her younger days and then went to school and got a finance degree. Someone must have killed her husband while he slept because there are two teenage sons on her profile.She is very interesting.Except for the sons who are...

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“A Great Longing” by Tommy Goround

Gig Harbor –Mickey came with only a truckload of tools from the south. His body built for logging, the hair set back in a long rope with rubber bands every few inches. I went right over the street and pushed his shoulder. He grunted. “Are you really a Mexican?”He looked around and winced because he didn't know how to answer a basic question. “I'm from Arizona.”It was enough to just run up to a stranger and hug him. Really hug him and force ...

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“Help Me Love Again” by Tommy Goround

Let it not be said by our progeny that this generation was without merit. The New gig economy in my town invited anyone to become a Dine-N-Dash driver. The prerequisite is that you have to have been a wheelman for at least one successful larceny. You must prove that your tool of motion (car, turbo skateboard, etc) has at least a fifty percent chance of evading law enforcement. Some people go all out and order a custom 1500-horsepower Trackhawk with the modifications by Hennessy. Me? I have a 68-mile-per-hour scooter...

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“Wookie Love” by Tommy Goround

Giving up a marriage should be harder than cigarettes. So Michelle and I found ourselves at one of those New Age marriage clinics. It was called Montage Marriage Health and had several swimming pools to drown each other. There were steam rooms in which we were encouraged to really get our emotions out. Usually, Michelle would try to yell about my piles of dirty clothes for an hour, then she’d pass out. For some reason, the clothing pile wasn’t that important when she had to get an intravenous bag of sodium pentothal....

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“Change in the Cushions” by Tommy Goround

Submitted to Contest #234

How beautiful a sky, like the heavens had lung cancer. A woman dressed her little dog in rain gear and I waited for them to cross the intersection wondering if they would have a very interesting conversation in a restaurant. McDonald’s? People have brought their children to McDonald’s for years and now this elderly lady, on one of the last days before the rain of her life is going to treat that pooch, her companion and friend, to the world’s best-selling hamburger. One day the sign will read “ A Billion Beasts Served.” <...

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“The Inciter” by Tommy Goround

Mr. Ximenie Franks would hold open doors on Monday. Counting in his head how long it took someone to get close enough to notice an open door. Sometimes they even sped up seeing that the Door Holding Principle of Universal Kindness is only meant to be a thirteen second twinkle. After that it was work and since Mr. Ximenie Franks received no compensation he usually slammed the door shut just when the Receiver was ready to enjoy his service.Now the recipient who becomes a Denial of Service victim might look at Mr. Franks wi...

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“Getty Y'up” by Tommy Goround

Submitted to Contest #232

For a hundred thousand million years, the people of Inuvik Canada have patiently endured the black of winter and been forced to love each other. They take census of all their blessings and give each other precious nicknames.  Peter Amos is also called Peter-the-Drunk because the people of Inuvik can't believe he’s so happy. I once showed them our basket of recyclables and asked who was depleting the borsc...

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“A Dream of Righteous Indignation” by Tommy Goround

Submitted to Contest #230

[T/W The Story is rated X minus]I decided to try fentanyl to quit smoking. Hypnosis had failed. Grapefruit and prayer by the Mormons had failed. No matter how many times I told them I needed more prayer… they failed. Now smoking is not really a problem if you don’t need implants and the orthodontist says that “gums must bleed.” Somehow blood promotes healing and then your gums will surround the female tap of the screw that seats a crown. You will stink less and be able to really hug on those relati...

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“So help me, I'm Yours” by Tommy Goround

Submitted to Contest #209

-1-Merryl Schenosi has a paper bag because she cares for the Earth. She’s on my porch in heels, a blue skirt that matches the blouse coat, a realtor’s badge near the place reserved for handkerchiefs. “It’s time to evacuate, Mr. Goround.” My realtor has come at 10:02 pm on a Sunday before the Dance of Cyclones, opening storm, 2023 because she cares. Someone gave her a copy of my car keys, or she must have broken into the dealership? Or we were lovers and I forgot.

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“The Swatter” by Tommy Goround

Submitted to Contest #201

One would not normally use a fly swatter to remove a pizza from an oven. It doesn't matter that they are the same basic shape.I'm trying to explain this to Bedo who looks forlorn. His yellow plastic flyswatter is the only item he brought through customs besides the necessary change of clothing and one toothbrush. It's less than satisfying because most people get wonderful gifts when they host a child.My neighbor Henry points to his Hyundai in the yard."Come on Bedo." We walk right past...

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“For Liv: Wound Bear” by Tommy Goround

Submitted to Contest #199

It's a gynecological fact that children who have just been born require a Womb Bear. This is a plush toy that has the sound of a beating heart within the plush that makes the child feel at home in their new bassinet.It's very much like taking the old water from a fish tank and mixing it with the new water that doesn't have any dookie. In this way the young fish or human baby will survive and feel loved.Well, I didn't want to pay the high price of the Womb Bear at Macy's. So I went across the street and ...

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“The Elective” by Tommy Goround

Submitted to Contest #198

The parking lot is full, even on a Tuesday morning, 11:02 and the tourists are trying the new pub that used to be a row of fish cleaning stalls. The sand is piled up on the beach because the last storm brought the coast to its knees. Caterpillar tractors are trying to separate clean and sanitary sand from the prospect of barnacles and sea stones that might warrant an environmental inspection.One must run past the people with fishing rods, the Domo Steak House, ignore the cooks trading greeneries, the vendors of truffles,...

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“Lodi” by Tommy Goround

Submitted to Contest #194

Trigger warning: this story has some elements that probably shouldn't be discussed in a church environment. There is definitely Gore if it is written correctly. Senior citizens with unnatural impulses. Corpses. There is also some sexuality about The Golden girls. It is a story about living and dying..##############There was a funny fellow in my residency at The John Mayo Clinic who had the terrible habit of misusing corpses. He was one of those recycling types of ...

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“Hit Me Again, Bob” by Tommy Goround

Submitted to Contest #187

T/W: Aunt Jemima used as a seductive pancake maker. A song from 1893 by Henry Miller is quoted. Both of these are found in the free use policy of international satire law. There's also some religious language. Don't read this if you go to a non-denominational church. ########### You know when the judge gives you three to five … Hours  of community service

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“No more laundry.” by Tommy Goround

⭐️ Shortlisted for Contest #169

It's a mortuary fact that dead bodies should not be buried without a banana. Most of the dead people around our town drink too much coffee and spout their mouths out in public, then they just die, die, and the explosive parts of their personality gather energy.For example, Hilda Benderhole used to have the most terrible intergestion about the way my dog urinated all over her flowers. We all know that flowers need the dogs, especially in a drought. When Hilda died, her husband wouldn't even use those flowers for her grave...

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