Tommy Goround

“The Law of Hosts” by Tommy Goround

I was getting really tired of the cat calls, the aliens had taken over Alvarado Street and then the dive bar in Seaside. They posted seductive puppets on the second floor of the old Monterey buildings and tried to entice our military into some cheap anatomic education, eating them down to the bone with their 127 teeth.No one cares about the laws anymore. The aliens are so protected that they can literally go down to Lover’s Point and hide behind the burger hut. They steal couples by the moonlight and take their supper with loud feasting. We ...

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“Yes! Yes! More more (if you can)” by Tommy Goround

T/W in comment section due to prompt.The first aliens that came to Earth were very hungry. It seemed like they would make unnecessary adult comments, always with crude humor. Baltaxero (Balti) used to drag us to the bar and buy round after round of Heroin Mist to see how much we could handle. Then Baltimore took his large claw and slapped us on the back, laughing, “Human males only have a 13 Oz bladder! Hahaha. That’s funny.”Chuck and I didn't know what to make of it but we appreciated the free booze. When people (or aliens) are hospita...

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“ignore this. Google says I am full” by Tommy Goround

Mad, flying rat, Brady skills. That’s David, Dave, the radiologist of the norther boundary. He tumbles down the townhouse stairs which seperate our kindoms. Today’s sustenance is a bottle of John Bean Whiskey (a cousin of Jim) and he holds back the slurred speach as he hands over the cellular communication scrambler.  “I got this for the kids.”  Everybody knows! They know that google has no place in medical servicing. Dave has been the first full-time hospital employee to acknowledge the threat, to seek an electronic advantage over...

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“Psst...(Jill killed Jack)” by Tommy Goround

⭐️ Shortlisted for Contest #256

“I very much need some socks pretty please with sugar on top.” This was the text that I sent to my estranged ex-wife. The one who wanted to drag me out to the wilderness under the guise of talking about financing our first childs’ entrance into college. I knew that she was old fashioned and wanted to push me from a hill. Just like Fellini. So my last request was not very sinister. I mean, even death row inmates should get some free laundry or a meal. Maybe even a prayer? I looked into the pantry of my rental and decided there ...

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“Why you should not start a business, ever. ” by Tommy Goround

As a child Sven was not allowed to put many things in his mouth. He was not allowed to curse on Sundays or linger too long at the side of his mother. In fact all of his life was rather starchy existence with rhudebekkar turnips, reindeer cheese and a little borschtsad to drink it down.  So imagine his surprise when a Spaniard tourist came over and said “before I take your sleigh ride I want you to try this!” Pickles.  Yes, many Spaniards talk in the exclamation point fashion. For they are a passionate people of the Southlands. They...

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“Jesus, Take Me To Bermuda” by Tommy Goround

T/W: there are expletives in this story because the character is having a bad day. “My brain hurts.”  Daphne tried to get out of the sheets and put on poultice and compresses but her head was stuck to the bed because she didn’t use a pillow. There had been some trauma or impact while she slept but the feelings were unknown because she had been pleasured with gin.  The tom cat slept lazily at her feet while Daphne courted around and tried to find a way to pry herself out of the bed. Tom cats are notoriously non-effective in an eme...

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“A Great Longing” by Tommy Goround

Gig Harbor –Mickey came with only a truckload of tools from the south. His body built for logging, the hair set back in a long rope with rubber bands every few inches. I went right over the street and pushed his shoulder. He grunted. “Are you really a Mexican?”He looked around and winced because he didn't know how to answer a basic question. “I'm from Arizona.”It was enough to just run up to a stranger and hug him. Really hug him and force ...

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“Help Me Love Again” by Tommy Goround

Let it not be said by our progeny that this generation was without merit. The New gig economy in my town invited anyone to become a Dine-N-Dash driver. The prerequisite is that you have to have been a wheelman for at least one successful larceny. You must prove that your tool of motion (car, turbo skateboard, etc) has at least a fifty percent chance of evading law enforcement. Some people go all out and order a custom 1500-horsepower Trackhawk with the modifications by Hennessy. Me? I have a 68-mile-per-hour scooter...

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“Change in the Cushions” by Tommy Goround

Submitted to Contest #234

How beautiful a sky, like the heavens had lung cancer. A woman dressed her little dog in rain gear and I waited for them to cross the intersection wondering if they would have a very interesting conversation in a restaurant. McDonald’s? People have brought their children to McDonald’s for years and now this elderly lady, on one of the last days before the rain of her life is going to treat that pooch, her companion and friend, to the world’s best-selling hamburger. One day the sign will read “ A Billion Beasts Served.” <...

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“Getty Y'up” by Tommy Goround

Submitted to Contest #232

For a hundred thousand million years, the people of Inuvik Canada have patiently endured the black of winter and been forced to love each other. They take census of all their blessings and give each other precious nicknames.  Peter Amos is also called Peter-the-Drunk because the people of Inuvik can't believe he’s so happy. I once showed them our basket of recyclables and asked who was depleting the borsc...

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“So help me, I'm Yours” by Tommy Goround

Submitted to Contest #209

-1-Merryl Schenosi has a paper bag because she cares for the Earth. She’s on my porch in heels, a blue skirt that matches the blouse coat, a realtor’s badge near the place reserved for handkerchiefs. “It’s time to evacuate, Mr. Goround.” My realtor has come at 10:02 pm on a Sunday before the Dance of Cyclones, opening storm, 2023 because she cares. Someone gave her a copy of my car keys, or she must have broken into the dealership? Or we were lovers and I forgot.

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“The Swatter” by Tommy Goround

Submitted to Contest #201

One would not normally use a fly swatter to remove a pizza from an oven. It doesn't matter that they are the same basic shape.I'm trying to explain this to Bedo who looks forlorn. His yellow plastic flyswatter is the only item he brought through customs besides the necessary change of clothing and one toothbrush. It's less than satisfying because most people get wonderful gifts when they host a child.My neighbor Henry points to his Hyundai in the yard."Come on Bedo." We walk right past...

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“For Liv: Wound Bear” by Tommy Goround

Submitted to Contest #199

It's a gynecological fact that children who have just been born require a Womb Bear. This is a plush toy that has the sound of a beating heart within the plush that makes the child feel at home in their new bassinet.It's very much like taking the old water from a fish tank and mixing it with the new water that doesn't have any dookie. In this way the young fish or human baby will survive and feel loved.Well, I didn't want to pay the high price of the Womb Bear at Macy's. So I went across the street and ...

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“Lodi” by Tommy Goround

Submitted to Contest #194

Trigger warning: this story has some elements that probably shouldn't be discussed in a church environment. There is definitely Gore if it is written correctly. Senior citizens with unnatural impulses. Corpses. There is also some sexuality about The Golden girls. It is a story about living and dying..##############There was a funny fellow in my residency at The John Mayo Clinic who had the terrible habit of misusing corpses. He was one of those recycling types of ...

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“Hit Me Again, Bob” by Tommy Goround

Submitted to Contest #187

T/W: Aunt Jemima used as a seductive pancake maker. A song from 1893 by Henry Miller is quoted. Both of these are found in the free use policy of international satire law. There's also some religious language. Don't read this if you go to a non-denominational church. ########### You know when the judge gives you three to five … Hours  of community service

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