40 comments

Funny

“Ok, Quiet place? Check! No distractions? Check. Cup of tea? Check! Well, here goes nothing.


(Inhale, Exhale)


“Since when did we start drinking tea? Does tea make us hip? Are you a hipster now? But, you can’t even grow a beard!”


”It’s chamomile. It’s supposed to help me relax. Now please be quiet.”


(Inhale, Exhale)


“You know what’s a fun word to say? Cabbage! It might be even more fun to say than bubbles. That reminds me of a time when….


Do you mind?!”


“Oops. I’ll shush.”


(Inhale, Exhale, Inhale….)


“Somethin bout you, makes me feel like a dangerous woomaaan! Somethin bout, somethin bout, somethin bout you…


“Would you please shut up! Just for ten minutes. That’s all I ask. Just ten silent minutes.”


“I’m sorry. Ten minutes is not to much to ask. I promise to be silent. You have my word Edmund!”


“Thank you.”


(Inhale….)


”Who’s Edmund?”


“What do you mean? You are, you silly goose! Don’t tell me all this silence has caused you to forget your own name.”


“First of all, there has been no silence. You have made sure of that. And second of all, my name is not Edmund!”



“Don’t be daft.”



“What? What is that supposed to mean?”


“Haven’t the foggiest idea. I just thought since you are drinking tea now that the goal was to come off as British.”


“No! The goal is to relax. You don’t have to be British to drink tea.”



“That may be true, but if school taught me anything, it’s that you can’t truly be American and drink tea.”


“What are talking ab…”


“The Boston tea party Edmund! Those patriots dumped the tea to show that they were free people. You ungrateful bastard! How could you turn your back on what they did and side with the tyranny of tea?!”


“Good grief! Are you done? Any other hot beverages you want to condemn?”


“Nope. I’m quite satisfied.


“Good. Now could I please have some piece and quiet?


“Certainly.”


(Inhale, Exhale, Inhale, Exhale)


“I have a question.”


“What now?!”


“Why are you doing this?”


“It’s called meditation, and it’s supposed to help…”


“Yes, yes yes. I know what meditation is you oaf. I want to know why YOU are doing it.”


“Because I need it. I’ve got a problem that I can’t quite seem to kick. I need to know why. Understanding what’s inside my head might help. So please, please, be quiet. I’m desperate!”



“Ok Edmund. I’ll shut up.”


“Thank you. And stop calling me Edmund!”



(Inhale, Exhale, Inhale, Exhale, Inhale, Exhale)


“They say I just got a buck, Get into it yuh. Pop out with a truck, Get into it yuh. If you go to church, I said get into it yuh. And if she ain’t gotta butt…)


“What is wrong with you?!


“I’m sorry. I can’t get that song out of me. It’s stuck there like the spinach in your teeth when you asked for that girls number last week. I gotta let it out!”


“Now?! You have to let it out now?! Why can’t you wait ten minutes?! And could you please forget about that girl?!”


“Ten minutes is a long time without music. Besides, meditation is essentially just chilling with your brain. And here we are chilling and rocking out to Doja Cat. Well, I am at least. Your all tensed up and irritable. You should try meditating sometime.”


“Uggghhh! That’s it. I’m done! I was doing this for us you know. I’m trying to fix things but you keep screwing everything up!”


“Oh come now Edmund. Don’t be daft.”


“Stop it! Your not British and my name is not Edmund!”



“It could be though.”


“No it can’t!”


“Why not?”


“It’s not who I am!”



“But you said before that you don’t like you. Which in turn means that you don’t like me. And if you dont like me, then I don’t like me. And if I don’t like me, then I don’t like you. Which means that nobody likes us. So I thought, since you don’t like you, and us, that maybe if you were someone else you would like them.”


“I’m lost.”


“So am I. But we’re communicating, and that’s all that matters.”


“I liked it better when we never communicated.”


“Shut up spinach mouth! What is it that you are trying to fix?”


“(Sigh) There’s a disconnect between what I know is the right thing and what I end up doing. I have knowledge but little wisdom. It’s like I can’t act the way I feel. I just…..”


“So there’s a gap between you and me? Wait! That means….”


“Please dont.”


“You’re trying to…”


“Stop!”


“Mind the gap!”


“Oh geez!”


“You gotta admit, that was punny!”


“I hate you.”


“I don’t care! However, I do feel you should fix the whole hating yourself thing. It’s annoying and quite frankly unbecoming of a gentleman.”


“Shut up! What would you know?!”



“I know you Edmund! I know everything about you! I’m your fricken brain!”


“What I meant is……”


”Maybe instead of spending your time moping around like a human willow tree you could try, I don’t know, getting help!”


“I don’t need help, I need…


“Says the guy currently arguing to himself while sitting on a park bench.”


“You stupid little…”


Your not the only one with problems you know. Everybody has problems. A lot of people have more than you! Jay Z happens to have 99 problems.



(Sigh)


“Sighing is also unbecoming of a gentleman.”


“It’s hard to change. I want to, but it seems like every time I try, I end up failing. I keep ending up back at square one.”


“First of all square one is infancy.” You can’t go back to that even if you wanted to. Second of all, failing is part of learning you tufted titmouse.”


“Tufted titmouse?”


“It’s a bird.”


“Yes I know, but why did you call me that?”



“It just felt right.”


“Oh.”


“Anywhoo. Maybe you should go easy on you, yourself and I. I mean you have a job, and an apartment. You even bath regularly! Those things alone make you a success! Yes a success that smells like strawberry scented epsom salts!


“They we’re on sale and my feet were sore from…



“Yes you may be as manly as 9 year old child…”


“Hey!”



“But you are still succeeding at many parts of life.” You should be more like Jay Z. ‘If your feeling like a pimp, go and brush your shoulders off!”


“What does that have to do with anything? I don’t feel like a pimp.”


“Well then let’s get a flashy suit and a big-ass hat and go pimpin!”


“Do you even know what that means?”


“Pimpin?”


“Yes.”


“I haven’t the foggiest.”



“Well don’t say it then. It isn’t good.”


“Wait, if I don’t know what that means how do you know?”



“There’s a gap, remember?”


“Oh, right. The gap that we are minding.”


(Sigh) “Yes. That gap.”


“You really should stop sighing so much. You’ll never get an invite to the summer cotillion if you keep it up. And sit up straight! You look like Igor from Young Frankenstein. Before you know it you’ll be collecting brains and calling people Frodrick!


“You’re an ass.”


“Nope. That’s the narrator stupid! He misses you by the way.”


”He can’t miss me! He’s imaginary!”


(sigh)


“I need to talk to another human.”


“Like a psychiatrist?”


“I dont know, maybe.”


“Wonderful! They will no doubt offer you much better advice than I. I am quite biased by my loathing of your very being. However, I must warn you, they will probably send you to the loony bin. But don’t let that scare you my dear Edmund. Just accept the help, and the fact that you are a crackpot.


“Gee, thanks.”


”I know what you should do, you should write down everything they help you with in a book and share it with the world. We’d be famous!”


“No!”


“You could start with this conversation!”



“Hell no!”


“To help you get off on the right foot, I’m gonna post our entire conversation on the internet.”


“Please dont! I like my privacy. And we quoted to many music lyrics. Copyright infringement is not to be taken….”



“Hmm privacy. I didn’t think about that. Fame would be great but I’m not sure that it’s worth exposing ourselves to the world. The world isn’t ready for our raw reveal!


“That sounds a bit inappropriate.”


“Yes, you maka compelling argument. We shall keep this conversation to ourselves.”


“Thank god! I was beginning to believe that you….



“Submitted to contest!”


“Damnit!”





































May 20, 2022 05:13

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40 comments

Zack Powell
05:45 May 21, 2022

Oh snap, another Bradon story! I've been waiting a LONG time for this! Hilarious as always, B. This prompt definitely had the most comedy potential, so I'm glad to see someone maximized it. Great interpretation. This is totally your style too - another all-dialogue story. We don't get enough of those on Reedsy, so I'm glad to see you adding another to the pantheon. "Edmund" is such a British sounding name that I totally was on board with this guy's talking brain. (All brains kinda talk though - that's a bit of a mind-blower, huh?) I've nev...

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Bradon L
05:52 May 21, 2022

I was hoping to do a more serious story, but as you can see, that didn’t work out. But I am so glad you liked it nonetheless! You really should try an all dialogue story. You would do great! Thanks for your comments by the way. They are so well thought out and heartfelt. I hope to eventually give a proper Zack Powell comment one day.

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Zack Powell
05:58 May 21, 2022

Yeah, one of these days it'd be fun to see how you write a serious story. I know you'd nail it. But there's something about your comedy that's so infectious and so Bradon that I'll never, ever turn down a funny piece from you. I respect you choosing such different methods of storytelling too - all dialogue, diary entries, and metafiction. 👌 I think you know this, but I'm a fan. Keep on writing, we'll keep on reading.

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J.C. Lovero
02:40 May 26, 2022

Hello there Bradon! I enjoyed this piece from you. As someone who struggles to quiet the mind, this was totally relatable. Although for me, it's Taylor Swift songs that interrupt my serenity moments. #blankspace Several funny lines throughout that made me chuckle and smile. I think tufted titmouse was my favorite, because... I'm an immature 9-year old lol. Thanks for the laugh. Thoroughly enjoyed!

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Bradon L
02:43 May 26, 2022

Tay Tay is always a welcome interruption. Thanks for reading, glad you liked it!

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02:22 May 26, 2022

This is a brilliant story. It reminds me of the The Moon Knight that was just released on Disney+ , except a thousand times better. I love the voice making up the name Edmund for the main guy. There is just enough here to let the reader make sufficient assumptions that don't ruin anything. Love the way that you give these two characters separate identities, but bring us back to the reality that they are the same too! Great job.

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Bradon L
02:31 May 26, 2022

Thank you so much!

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Rochelle Miller
00:01 May 26, 2022

You have accurately described the struggle! 😄 This story was a great experience, and excellently written. Really great use of the prompt!

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Bradon L
00:17 May 26, 2022

Thank you Rochelle!

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Michał Przywara
20:47 May 25, 2022

Very funny :) The dialogue approach here, between, hmm… self and brain? Something like that anyway – it works really well. We do argue with ourselves after all, and it leads to some fun moments, like the whole "But you said before that you don’t like you" paragraph. I also like the brain negotiating in bad faith, where it agrees to ten minutes of silence and pretty much immediately forgets about it. Many funny lines. I liked "You don’t have to be British to drink tea" and "You should try meditating sometime" :)

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Bradon L
20:50 May 25, 2022

Thank you Michael! Yes it was an argument between self and brain. So glad you liked it.

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Mimi 1717
17:16 May 25, 2022

It is a really good story and funny

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Bradon L
18:38 May 25, 2022

Thank you!

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Shea West
03:05 May 23, 2022

HAHAHH! This line--Any other hot beverages you want to condemn? If this isn't an entire mood/vibe/style, I don't want it. I find myself condemning things like this too LOL I think you captured those of us who can't meditate our way out of a paper bag!

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Bradon L
04:11 May 23, 2022

😂😂. Glad you liked it. Thanks for reading!

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Lainey Levens
01:17 May 23, 2022

First of all: You just put my day-to-day life on paper. *applauds* Fantastic use of the prompt. Also, just a genuine question here, do these conversations happen to other people, too? This happens to me when I try and do anything. Here's a fantastic example: *flashback to seventh grade math class* I was taking notes and all of a sudden, out of the blue, murmured, "BARNACLES AND CHEESE" because my brain just thought of it. Or when I was in history and I started speaking in Spanish. I'm not even fluent. I just started yapping words I knew fro...

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Bradon L
01:34 May 23, 2022

Thank you! I’m so glad you liked. 🤣🤣. Barnacles and cheese. You aren’t alone, however you might be the first I have spoken too who’s brain switches to languages they aren’t fluent in.

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16:55 May 22, 2022

Hilarious! I love the natural and free flowing sound to the conversation. A few typos here and there but overall a solid use of the prompt! I could see this as a staged scene with a voice over. People would totally crack up. Well done!

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Bradon L
17:00 May 22, 2022

Thank you so much!

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Kevin Broccoli
19:44 May 21, 2022

This was great. I think it's awesome how a prompt can lead us in similar directions, but then provide opportunities to really flesh out a character. I really want more people to start experimenting with form and structure, because prose can look just like this and still be so artful and well done. Good work!

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Bradon L
20:30 May 21, 2022

Thank you so much! I really appreciate it.

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Sharon Hancock
01:41 May 31, 2022

😂😂so funny! And absolutely accurate, btw. My mind will not leave me alone to meditate and the songs repeating are the worst! My brain will also scream out words that have nothing to do with anything…just to be annoying. I really enjoyed the dialogue format. Very relatable story. Well done!😻

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Bradon L
01:46 May 31, 2022

Thank you Sharon! It’s encouraging to know that I’m not the only one with a crazy brain😂

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Kai Corvus
16:56 May 21, 2022

This was a fun story to read! This was the first story I read of yours and I'm already interested in reading more :) Your dialogue is great and there are several lines in there that added a lot of humor, which contrasted with the main character's more serious outlook on trying to be mindful. This was a very quick read but still had a lot of humor- my favorite stories to read on here and you did it wonderfully. It was also super relatable, and I absolutely loved the idea of the conversation with the main character's thoughts. A very creativ...

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Bradon L
17:08 May 21, 2022

Thank you so much! If you like doja cat, your welcome! If you don’t like her, please accept my humble apologies!

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Riel Rosehill
14:23 May 21, 2022

Yess, a funny story!! I was laughing all the way. So relatable, LOL. Why are our brains lunatics? I loved how it was trying to be british whilst also trashing tea drinking for not being american, haha. Honestly, such a joy to read. Loved how the contest submission even made it into the story! The title's great - After 8 years in England I now feel indifferent about minding the gap, but this reminded me how funny it was the first time (srsly tho why's there a gap??) There's a book about a cat called Cabbage, did you know? Maybe it's somethin...

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Bradon L
15:22 May 21, 2022

Thanks a bunch Riel! You and Zack Powell always give the nicest comments. Glad you liked it. Thank you for the book suggestion! I just looked it up, and I will be purchasing it. Plus, I am conflicted about cat names now. I was going to get a cat and name it Woodstock. But now I want to name it cabbage….. I would like to write something serious yes. Or at least something that is not simply a comedy, like a thriller or a romance. It’s a struggle though. However, making people laugh brings me joy so I’ll never give up the funny stu...

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Riel Rosehill
15:42 May 21, 2022

You flatter me - I can only dream of reaching the Zack level of comments! Romantic comedy? Grotesque? There are options to have it all. :D Woodstock would be a fun cat name, haha. Cabbage's a great contender though. I hope you enjoy the book - I have thing for japanese cat books, LOL.

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Riel Rosehill
22:39 May 22, 2022

This story is on the Recommended list! Congrats!

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Bradon L
22:47 May 22, 2022

Thank you! It was a very pleasant surprise!

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Kendall Defoe
04:00 May 21, 2022

Okay, that was brilliant! Now, stay out of my head... ;)

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Bradon L
04:08 May 21, 2022

Thank you! 😅😅

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Aeris Walker
20:55 May 29, 2022

Ahhhh haha oh my gosh, freaking fantastic ending! So clever. I loved all the pop culture/music lyrics interruptions—that’s so accurate how our brains cough up unsolicited jingles or song lyrics (or Disney songs and Charlie the unicorn quotes if you’re a 90’s baby) and derails our conversations—or inner monologuing in this case. Super fun approach to the prompt, well done! I noticed the most minor of typos—just give extra attention those little words that have evil twins like “were” vs “we’re” or “your” vs “you’re.” You’re doing a great ...

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Aeris Walker
20:56 May 29, 2022

“Tufted titmouse?” “It’s a bird.” “Yes I know, but why did you call me that?” “It just felt right.” And I literally laughed out loud at this..

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Bradon L
21:23 May 29, 2022

So glad you liked it! Thank you for pointing out the typos! There’s always something I miss. A fresh pair of eyes always helps. Tufted titmouse is super fun to say😂😂

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Aeris Walker
22:10 May 29, 2022

;)

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00:14 May 28, 2022

Very fun read, thanks for sharing, you definitely have a gift for humor. I’ll be on the look out for your next writing.

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Bradon L
00:26 May 28, 2022

Thank you so much!

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Tommy Goround
05:06 May 26, 2022

Clapping

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Bradon L
13:07 May 26, 2022

Curtsying. Lol. Thank you

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