How to Disappear in 3 Easy Steps

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Hello audio listeners, and thank you for tuning into this week's ‘How to Be Your Best Vampire’ Podcast episode #334 titled, ‘How to Disappear in 3 Easy Steps’. As always, I'm your host, Drakka Bababooginski.

Before we begin, I bring to you a word from our sponsors:

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And without further adieu, let’s get right into the meat of our topic, ‘How to Disappear in 3 Easy Steps’.

Step One: You’re going to want to move into a moderately populated living area. One where there are at least 890 people per square mile. 

These suburban areas can often be found in the outer regions of more densely populated regions. You want this density number to be in the rage of up to at the most only 1,000 people per square mile. Anything higher, and you risk detection simply by statistical chance, and going lower than about 500 would paint a bright red glowing neon sign on your back. 

Another benefit of these suburban areas is the proximity to nearby city centers which are easily more densely populated areas. As a general rule, it is true we avoid making residency in these types of areas, however, it is not out of the scope of possibilities that we would, from time to time, venture in on occasion for a fancy night on the town, if you will, for some cuisine dining. Maybe sink our teeth into a little fusion culture. Just be sure to dress to the nines and disinfect those fangs!

Take my suburbs, for example, I get out quite often and feed on a daily basis. Roughly in the 900 people per square mile range, no one is the wiser when I decide to grab a drink and indulge in the local flavors.

Quiet, and quaint, my neighborhood is not overly dense, meaning I don't have to fight the constant inconvenience of prying eyes.

Step Two: Narrow the range of age groups you are willing to feed to between 15 and 19, and 27 and 86. 

Whereas I understand the implications of so drastically narrowing down the options for feeding--and there are plenty, great benefits to feasting on the prime oil pumping through the tender veins of pre-teen adolescent or tapping the aged to perfection rosé of a 95-year-old war-veteran; these age groups pose the greatest threat to our detection in most human circles. 

I’ll explain--But first, a word from another one of our sponsors:

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Now, I know that it may seem moot and rather inconvenient to focus our target range of age on a couple of very defined and somewhat narrow windows. The reason you wouldn’t want to spend much time feasting on blood in the range of newborn to 14, is because of the heightened involvement of so many others in their lives. Oftentimes they are centers of discussion, observation, and affection. A child goes missing between the ages of 1 and 14, the ethos of an entire nation is brought to its knees, and that brings publicity we as night dwellers want to avoid at all costs. 

Between the ages of 15 and 18, it is never out of the question that possibly in a fit of teen angst, they just decided one day to cut and dye their hair, change their name, and bus hop all the way to LA to pursue their dreams of becoming the next big thing, where they fade into the abyss of lost and forgotten things and the memory of discarded by their liberated parents. 

When you’re between the ages of 19 and 27 the focal point of society's attention is again retrained on you. As hopeful, aspiring, motivated, inventive, driven, groundbreaking young men and women, they are being watched very carefully for what next big idea will rise out of that particular time frame within a generation. An up and coming youth that had everything going for them suddenly ripped from existence--that is surely a recipe for nothing but a life of regret and shame for the poor sap of a vampire that decided to indulge in such horrid taste. 

By the time the young adult reaches that age of 27, they have fallen off the grid and into complete obscurity (that is if they haven’t invented the next billion-dollar tech enterprise). They’ve been set in their place, as a game piece would, in a game of chess. A mere pawn that can be removed from the game board with little to no consequence. This phase of human life, unfortunately for the human, lasts until the ripe old age of about 86, where we vampires again want to take precautions before engaging in a little guilty pleasure indulging. 

Once a human reaches the years following their 86th, people recognize them again for their service to society. They marvel at their unbroken spirits and age-old wisdom. Their will to live on and frankly, not die. Many are moved to facilities where they are taken care of and watched nearly 24/7. Others are sporadically visited upon by unannounced guests bearing hand-wrapped gifts and baked pies and cookies and a varied assortment of unimportant trinkets, just “because”.  

An admiration returns in their favor, and we mustn't be caught tripping up in all that spotlight and attention. 

And step #3: Walk the middle path when politics are involved. Talk too much about it and garnish the unwanted attention of political foe. Talk to little, and you’re actions henceforth are dissected and scrutinized into sheer oblivion. 

There are a few simple--yet effective tricks that will greatly aid your quest to walk the middle path and perry the pitfalls of political overtalk and/or political radiosilence, and risk being found out--but first, let’s hear from one more sponsor:

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We promise it’s guaranteed to suck--or your money back!”

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Remember, if you are enjoying this podcast and want to see us able to continue to bring you this great content, please make sure to like this video and subscribe. Leave a comment with your thoughts on these steps and let us know if you’ve come up with some others, we always love to hear your thoughts and feedback!

 Alright, now back to step #3 in the easy steps to disappear when you’re on the radar and about to be called out as a vampire! When presented--Hold up... What’s that?

There seems to be someone…

Oh my… They--they found me!! I don’t know how they did but they did. They know...

<There he is! Get the bloodsucker!!>

<<Get him, yeah!>>

Please, no! I--I--

<<<I’ve got him! >>>

<<Let’s burn him!>>

<<<Where's my son, you--you monster!?>>>

<<<<Who’s got the stake?>>>>

<<<<<I do!>>>>>

<Thought you could hide from us, did you?> 

No, no, nooooooooo...

....

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