Submitted to: Contest #64

Mildew Manor

Written in response to: "Set your story in a Gothic manor house."

Happy Kids Contemporary

“This is the home we’re planning to have renovated. It’s a little bit dusty, I’ll admit, but it’s nothing new floors can’t fix.” Father said to Mr. Gigelwithy as we stood on the driveway, gazing upon the pink exterior of 337, Oakton Drive. 

A large Dogwood tree that stood greedily in the front yard took up all of the sunlight, so the front door was covered in shadow. However, the modest home seemed okay with it, still managing to look enchanting without a spotlight. The front porch was damp with recent rains and smelled quite earthy, maybe even a little bit moldy. The house itself looked pretty old, not only because of the desaturated colors and musty smell but also because of the style of the home itself. The hexagonal-shaped wraparound porch, the circular window in the attic, the lace-like patterns on the columns; the entire structure reminded me of a Victorian middle-class house. I, being a twelve-year-old who had spent my entire life living in a small two-bedroom apartment, was truly amazed. 

Our remodeling contractor’s first comment was a sigh. 

“Let me guess.” He said. “This is some old family land you want to have renovated now that you’ve won the lottery so that you can go live in it and honor your ancestors.” 

“Well, yes. All except for the lottery part, though.” Father corrected. We’ve been saving for this renovation for quite a long time, and now we’ve decided to stop procrastinating and actually get the house. After all, my youngest children are already five. We want to give them the space they need to grow up freely.”

“Ah, I understand. Well, then, let’s step inside, shall we? I’ll take a note of everything that needs to be fixed.” 

The damp odor that emanated from the house became ten times stronger when Mr. Gigelwithy opened the front door. What I once smelled as earthy and fresh now felt like old socks were being stuffed down my throat. Mother covered her nose, not daring to breathe in the gas that felt like it was poisonous. 

The man shut the door immediately. “Ah. Mildew. I suppose we cannot look inside of the house until a proper cleaning is done.” 

“I didn’t know it would be so bad. Tony, that smell. . . are you sure you want to do this?” Mom said through a fit of coughs. She pulled out her inhaler and took a deep breath. 

“Well, we can come back a few days later to look at it, right? I’ll have to hire someone to clean up all that mold. We can do this, right?” Father high-fived the twins. 

“Well, it’d be a shame if you couldn’t get the house. It sure is beautiful. Just needs a few repairs, is all.” Mr. Gigelwithy agreed. 

And so, he left, driving off with a whoosh. We were left standing there. 

Father shrugged and climbed into our car’s driver’s seat. Mother followed his initiative and beckoned for the twins and me to join her as well. 

〰️〰️〰️〰️

It was a few weeks when we next revisited our enchanting future home. By now my excitement was affecting my daily life. I couldn’t imagine how it would feel like to live in a house that was so big and beautiful. This caused me to do many things I wouldn’t ordinarily do. During dinner, I would repeatedly tap my foot against the chair. While studying, I would doodle random pictures on the sides of the papers just to get all of my energy out; while showering, I would even sing. 

When our car ultimately parked itself on the driveway of the house our family had now dubbed “Mildew Manor,” I scrambled out and took a deep breath. The smell of mold was gone, but the beauty of the home was still there. 

Mr. Gigelwithy was at the front door. I didn’t know what to do, because, to be honest, I was somewhat afraid of the man. His eyes were hooded under dark gray bushes of eyebrows, surrounded by a complexion so pale, and yet so sallow, his skin looked like a banana milkshake. Every time I had seen him, his hands were held behind his slightly hunched back, and he showed no sign of emotion whatsoever. 

I was saved when the twins ran out, Mother and Father following behind. Once the adults talked a little, we stepped inside. 

It looked just like it did when we opened the door last time, but today the musty smell was replaced by some fresh cleaning spray of a sort. I realized that I hadn’t at all examined the inside on my last visit, being overpowered by the rancid odor, but this time I couldn’t wait. 

The area that my eyes first laid upon as we stepped inside was the living room. Of course, presently there was no furniture inside, but the old wooden floor in itself looked regal (despite the stains and cracks) and the line that divided the wall with the ceiling was decorated with intricate designs.

Even the fireplace looked quite old fashioned. Though it was beautiful, it would be very hard to manage for modern folk like us. 

My initial excitement toned down a little as we explored the other rooms, even though it was still stirring inside. There were the four bathrooms, the kitchen, the dining room, the attic, and everything else a house deserved. I was impressed. 

Yet, when we stopped by my future bedroom, the rush of excitement returned. There was a huge hole in the ceiling through which I could see the attic and some of the planks on the floor were nonexistent, but I could imagine myself on a bed there, reading a book with some soft music playing in the background. It was ideal for me. 

“Thank you, Mother. Father.” I hugged them both tight. 

“Hey, hey. It’s okay. We love you too.” Father said. Mother smiled her big, emotional smile. The twins joined in for a hug as well. It was perfect. The day couldn’t get better.

Then Mother whispered in my ear, “We have a surprise for you!” 

〰️〰️〰️〰️

Mexican food was the best. 

When we were done looking at the house and showing it to Mr. Gigelwithy, Mother and Father set up a surprise picnic in the front yard. 

It was mutually understood that everyone in the family was a Mexican food craver, so that’s what we ate. 

I spread out flat on the cool grass and ate under the shadow of the Dogwood tree, enjoying the wonderful day I was having. Life couldn’t have gone better. I let go of all of my troubles and just enjoyed the cool shade and the chirping of the crickets, and had fun with my family. 

I was ready to start fresh at Mildew Manor. 

Quick Note: I apologize if any of the information in this story is inaccurate because I have never had to get rid of the smell of mold in my house and do not know how it is done (and I’m too lazy to research), but I hope you like the story and that it doesn’t feel like I oversaturated it with complicated “thesaurus” words, because I may have accidentally done that. Please provide some criticism for me as well. Nothing is too harsh (hopefully, lol)! :)

P.S: I know there isn’t a theme, but I decided just to have a lighthearted experience with this one. Nothing to take away except for a feel-good sensation (again, hopefully).

Posted Oct 18, 2020
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26 likes 29 comments

Marian Reiley
03:01 Oct 22, 2020

I thought this was a cute story. I really got the sense of the family's emotions! There were only two things I noticed that might be better.
1. There were a lot of hyphens in the first paragraph instead of 'hexagonal-sided' just 'hexagonal' would be fine.
2. Just a suggestion but the internet is a great place to research! In my latest submission I had to do a lot of research about Hungary and it's history. I typed in questions like "Did Elizabeth Bathory have any children?" Google and Wikipedea always help me write better.

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Anii ✨
12:14 Oct 22, 2020

Thanks for the feedback! I can't really edit it now, but I'll make sure to keep these things in mind for future stories!

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Zea Bowman
02:20 Oct 21, 2020

Great job on this story. I often read many stories with a not-so-happy ending, and I tend to write them without a happy ending (I just posted a new story), but I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. I like the descriptions you used for Mildew Manor, and you used this prompt nicely. Keep it up!

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Anii ✨
11:52 Oct 21, 2020

Thanks so much for reading, and I'm glad you liked it! I'll check out the story you wrote for this week as well, then!

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Sjan Evardsson
15:26 Oct 29, 2020

The scene-setting is good, the feel of the musty old place came through.

Others have said it, but it bears repeating: without some sort of conflict it falls flat. In this case, the protagonist has no agency. What I mean by that is: stuff happens and the protagonist is just along for the ride.

A good way to think about this in future stories is - does it read as A happens and then B happens and then C happens? If so, go back and rework it.

A happens so the character does X which causes B, forcing the character to choose between Y or Z; the character acts in the manner they decided, therefore C.

This is, of course, a highly-simplified version to get the point across. The actions of the protagonist should drive the story. That first action can be forced by the inciting incident, but from then on let the character drive the story rather than the other way around.

Stay safe and keep writing!

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Anii ✨
15:56 Oct 29, 2020

Wow! Thank you so much for this advice! I will definitely use this structure in future stories. I feel like what I went wrong with in this story is that I just started writing without any sort of planning. My next one isn't very good either, to be honest, but I will try harder next time. Thanks for the advice, once again, and hope you have a great day!

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Vameerah Darren
17:31 Oct 22, 2020

You're missing a " next to "We've been saving", also, in my own opinion, I agree that you could definitely do more with the plot, you have a solid foundation for a great story. In my own experience with reading books, a lot of authors tell an age but fail to really present that character as that age. I found it very hard to believe that the character was in fact twelve, but that might just be me :)

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Anii ✨
19:19 Oct 22, 2020

Oh, alright then. I tried to make the character seem kinda mature, but I may have overdone it. :)

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Vameerah Darren
19:35 Oct 22, 2020

You still did a great job putting it together!

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Anii ✨
19:46 Oct 22, 2020

Thanks!

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Claire Lindsey
01:40 Oct 22, 2020

Hi Anvi! I enjoyed reading this story. You've got a natural talent for scene-setting and description, which made this story feel real and enchanting.

I agree with Leo's comment that your story could use a bit more tension. Even having the narrator doubt briefly that the move will be good (maybe your narrator is moving away from a friend, for example) would make the happy ending feel more cathartic.

Even without a source of tension, this is really well-written, you should be proud!

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Anii ✨
12:07 Oct 22, 2020

Thanks so much for the advice! Once again, I did notice that mistake, but I didn't have enough time to fix it. Hopefully next time! :)

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B. W.
22:41 Oct 18, 2020

I'm going to keep this one short, this was still a good story and so it gets a 10/10 from me :)

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Anii ✨
11:50 Oct 19, 2020

Thank you! I'm glad you liked it!

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B. W.
10:34 Nov 07, 2020

how ya been? ^^

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Anii ✨
19:51 Nov 07, 2020

Heyy! How are you? I haven't really been writing much these days, lol. But I've been drawing. :)
I'mma try to do this week's prompts.

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B. W.
19:53 Nov 07, 2020

I'm good i guess ^^ im actually trying to write a story for the alien market prompt thing, but I think I could use some help for it

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Anii ✨
19:57 Nov 07, 2020

Ooh! I'm doing the one about betraying. What if you do something in which your character is in a time where we know aliens exist and we do imports and exports like we would between other countries? Except it's other planets? Or you could make it like they're a tourist? I dunno. XD

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B. W.
19:58 Nov 07, 2020

well, i actually have an idea for the alien market prompt thing but I could use some help with the idea, could I maybe run it by ya?

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Anii ✨
21:04 Nov 07, 2020

Sure!

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Anii ✨
21:09 Nov 07, 2020

Also, congrats for 4th place on the leaderboard!

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12:18 Oct 21, 2020

Good story. The writing is lighthearted, carefree, and natural, with the dialogue following suit, which I found to be refreshing.

A few things that could be better...

So, first, you have no driver of the plot--no conflict, which leads to no tension. As it is, the reader is just kinda like, "La dee dah, they get to the house, it smells bad, they make it smell good, everything is great." They might find the story amusing, but they will never be hooked, and will never go, "I must know more!" Which is what you want them to do. ;)

Leo's comprehensive guide to throwing your characters into mortal danger! Let's reimagine that first scene...The family wants to buy the house, but it's full of poisonous mildew, so they can't go inside and look! Oh well, they'll get it cleaned. But wait, there's more! The house is foreclosing to the bank tomorrow, so if they don't buy it now, they'll never be able to! But they can't clean the mildew/mold out that fast! What will the family do? Will they risk their money blindly on the house? Or will they back out, having never seen what it looked like? This is just one example of how to create conflict and tension--in this case conflict within the family. Maybe Mom wants to do it and Dad doesn't. Maybe it's the other way around. ;) But in any case, the characters will be faced with a hard choice that could permanently impact their lives.

Now, you're like, "But I want it to be lighthearted!" and guess what--it will be! The greatest good can only be show after the darkest evil. In this case, the "evil" isn't so dark, but it is a shadow that serves to make the light brighter. (if you've ever turned on the lights in a dark room, you know this is true. :P)

This is the one thing that great novelists, playwrights, screenwriters, and poets will all tell you: you must have conflict. Conflict creates tension, which drives the story.

One last thing, if you're not going to have this be a creepy story, don't have an overly creepy remodeling contractor that you describe in great detail. One sentence presented the first time we meet dear Mr. Gigelwithy will do the trick: "He was a creepy looking dude."

Anyways, good job, and keep on writing!

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Anii ✨
13:40 Oct 21, 2020

Haha, thanks for taking all that time to read my story and help me out!
I understand what you're saying about the plot, but, to be honest, it was already Friday by the time I realized my mistake. Thanks for the tips though!
Also, if you DO want some stories with a good plot in them (they're also kinda dark), check out my other stories!
Once again, thanks for the advice!

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13:43 Oct 21, 2020

I'll check them out when I have the time. ;) A bit busy today, so we'll see.

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Anii ✨
13:49 Oct 21, 2020

Sure! I understand.

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