99 comments

Fantasy Funny

Look, I had pica, ok? Oh sure, Aesop tried to disguise his retelling and pretend it was just some "random" fable he "suddenly" invented, but everyone knew who and what he was really talking about. Thanks to him, I've never heard the end of it at our volcanic-barbecues-slash-virgin-roasts.


I'm Larry. That's right, Larry the FireLizard, go on and get it out of your system. My folks weren't very creative when it came to naming their whelps. To be fair, there were about 200 of us, and pretty soon you kinda run out of the interesting stuff. At least I wasn't a girl – I was going to be Lizzy the FireLizard. Anywho...


It all started when I had finally reached my 250th birthday, the proper age for a young dragon to leave his thunder and begin his lifelong hobby of treasure-seeking. 


Only, for me, it wasn’t just a hobby. It went deeper than that, man: it was a calling. I loved gold. The way it sparkled and shone, the way the melted stuff poured, the way it shimmered as it flowed through my claws. It was mesmerizing. I wanted to bathe in it, marry it, become One with it. 


Yeah, that all sounds wrong now, but I guess you’d have to have been there. And been dragonkin.


Now, that’s not to say I wasn’t an aberration amongst my kin. But, see, we didn’t have all these sissy therapies back then like you have now. Can you imagine? “Tell me about your mother.” “She ate a kingdom. No, not a king, the entire kingdom. Don’t believe me? Do you remember Schlendia? Nope? See, wiped it clean off the map.”


(Don’t even get me started on how that "makes me feel”... “You look pretty tasty,” is how it "makes me feel.")


Anyway, so that birthday, I was super excited to get started. I began with the little stuff, roasting a wealthy traveler here and there, maybe an occasional bordello flambello. I particularly loved gambling runs: the gold always smelled filthy, but it came with a side of beer if I was careful not to cook it off in the initial volley. 


There was a lotta competition, mind you. The countryside skies were so thick with me and my kind, you could hardly see daylight. I started going further and further afield, just looking for that delicious hit of mellow yellow.


Flying over the sea one day, I chanced upon something novel: floating buffets. I later learned they were actually called “ships,” and they were built by the Phoenician people whom I had menaced regularly. I guess I never thought to check, before then, if they were fleeing me by water. They were extremely tasty, so I feel kinda stupid that it took me so long and had to happen purely by chance.


Soon as I got hip to that floating action, I didn’t rest on my laurels: it turned out they had no way to warn each other when I raided them at sea, so all I had to do was camp out at a spot on their route – a little tucked-away island with the most delightful cave – for a few months, and before I knew it, hey presto! My cave was full to the brim.


I know what you’re gonna say, but do you know why the history books think the Phoenicians were only trading in tin? Me. I made sure and stripped those suckers of every bit of the good stuff and kept going back for more.


(...Excuse my wings, they do that little flippity flip flip thing when they're happy.)


Now, I’m a collector, yes, but more than that, you have to take some time and smell the roses, know what I mean? By the time I finally stopped savaging Phoenician ships, I was ready for a nap. I buried myself up to my neck in my golden lair and fell into a deep, soul-satisfying sleep that lasted until a new era had dawned. 


By that time, the planet had grown more crowded, and my kind had been chased away from the populated routes by weapons the likes of which I had never seen. I couldn’t find much to raid that was safe, so I ended up mostly killing time on my island. 


It started off harmlessly enough: I loved gold, and I was bored. It smelled good, looked good… you can see how it might happen, right?


I tasted some. Don’t judge – have you ever tried it? I know you have: you people have gold-flake-topped cakes and liqueurs imbued with the stuff. Delicious, right?! Awww yeah: guilt-free gilt!


Look, I’m a beast, I have huge appetites. What happened next was the natural progression of things: I ate it. All. Thing is, it was kinda like Chinese food... I was hungry again 2 years later. 


That stuff doesn’t digest well, apparently. When I was forced from my lair in order to find more of anything to eat – which, oh, musta been around 600 BC, in retrospect – I happened to be over Greece when my first “accident” occurred.


(Hey, that guy in the back: show him the door if he’s going to be juvenile about this.) 


Anyway, upshot is, I accidentally buried a small town in golden deuce. I don’t recall the town's name, being as I was too mortified to stick around. Obviously, reclaiming was out of the question: I have pica, not scatophilia.


Well, what can I say after that? Once the dam breaks, it’s on, and it’d been a couple centuries in the making. Pretty soon, much of the Greek and Roman countrysides were buried in my piles of filthy lucre, and I was helpless to do anything about it. (I understand those “hoards” are still being found to this day. You’re welcome.)


Turns out, stories started going around everywhere about some “goose” who “laid golden eggs,” but unless all those villagers had sh… bad eyesight, I knew they were punchin’ down on me. 


I was at one of my kin’s get-togethers not long after that, and it happened by accident. Once. ‘Course, they put two and two together, and … well, there you have it. 


“Larry Loosie Goosie,” “Goldie the DungLizard,” “Izzy” (Izzy or Izn’ty Gonna Crap Gold on the Populace) – I’ve heard it all. My reputation was in the toilet, both among my kin and among the countryside. I could hear the laughter coming for miles. 


Naturally this Aesop dude heard the "goose" tales, too, and – being appropriately terrified of naming and shaming me, specifically – decided to make it one for the history books and wrote it down for all time.


So, people, all I’m saying is: please stop telling your kids that stupid goose fable, ok? You’re gaffelighting my serious mental and physical issues, and you should be ashamed of yourselves.

February 13, 2023 01:35

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99 comments

Keith Maynard Jr
01:09 Feb 18, 2023

Hmm, I liked it but the hoarding aspect or more the aspect of what Larry does with his hoard fails for me. It is funny that he eats it and it could be I'm being too ridgid about the prompt but he eats the gold just because he can't get any food and not that he's tired of collecting. So it rings a bit hollow to me. Larry's parents though had way too high a drive, 200 kids. I'd expect that of ants but dragons. I can see why they gave up thinking up any meaningful names.

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Wendy Kaminski
01:17 Feb 18, 2023

Yeah, could be a stretch, for sure. :) But hey, how many stories do I get to just let loose on? (lol) Thanks for the comments!

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Keith Maynard Jr
01:34 Feb 18, 2023

It might have fit if you showed that he got tired of his hoard and since he couldn't get any food he figured the hoard was worthless anyway so he might as well eat it since it's all he had.

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Wendy Kaminski
01:47 Feb 18, 2023

Yeah. I was thinking more like (from the prompt) doesn't know what to do with it = didn't know he might be able to exchange it for what he wanted, so instead he ended up eating it. Like I said, probably a stretch, but it was a lotta fun anyway, and I don't plan to win anytime soon, so may as well just have fun with it. ;)

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Keith Maynard Jr
02:08 Feb 18, 2023

Good point, I admit I don't think any of my stories would win but I still enter in the hopes that one might. Call it blind faith or maybe I'll get beginner's luck. :) All my stories will probably be in the free section after this month.

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V. S. Rose
22:31 Feb 17, 2023

Haha loved this :) Larry's voice was a ton of fun to follow and you got me with the floating buffets. I feel like dragons would actually care about their legacies, so I thought it was hilarious that you chose to portray his desire for that this way. You've got quite the knack for writing funny stories!

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Wendy Kaminski
23:54 Feb 17, 2023

Thanks so much, VS - I appreciate it, and glad you enjoyed it. :)

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Aeris Walker
18:22 Feb 17, 2023

Oh this was a fun ride. I loved the dragon’s irreverent, snarky personality and the hilarity of him eating his horde of gold. If nothing else, you win the title of “queen of the puns” with this one for sure haha: “Awww yeah: guilt-free gilt!” And every line in between a pair of parentheses was perfect: “ (Hey, that guy in the back: show him the door if he’s going to be juvenile about this.) ” And behind the humor, I love how there was a historical vein running through the whole thing. Great job! 🙂

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Wendy Kaminski
18:26 Feb 17, 2023

Thank you, Aeris! For both reading and for the lovely comment. :)

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Jack Kimball
17:33 Feb 17, 2023

I wonder what would happen if you got so caught up in living the character of a story in your own head that you, well... couldn't get out? You can see how it might happen, right? Great read Wendy! As usual I might add.

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Wendy Kaminski
17:35 Feb 17, 2023

> that you, well... couldn't get out? You can see how it might happen, right? LOL Jack! :) Thank you very much, appreciate your encouragement more than I can say! :)

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A Pattenden
11:40 Feb 17, 2023

Wendy this story brightened my day. I loved the voice you created for Larry! Such a joy to read!

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Wendy Kaminski
12:25 Feb 17, 2023

Thank you so much, Anja! :)

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Suma Jayachandar
07:02 Feb 17, 2023

Wendy, The humour here is pure gold! I was laughing all the way from Larry the Firelizard till the very end. The style is breezy with some clever turns of phrases. Thanks for this hilarious read.

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Wendy Kaminski
12:23 Feb 17, 2023

Thank you, Suma! :D

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Chloe S.
02:35 Feb 17, 2023

Such a whimsical story! I especially loved the narrator's personality, it made it so enjoyable and fun to read!

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Wendy Kaminski
02:38 Feb 17, 2023

Thanks so much, Chloe - I am tickled that you enjoyed it, and appreciate the kind words! :)

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Richard E. Gower
02:30 Feb 17, 2023

WOW! Wendy, you've excelled yourself! You really nailed this one. First of all, I have a thing for cryptids, so you had me with the dragon, technically not really a cryptid, but close enough for government work. It got me thinking about the Temeraire series, by Naomi Novik. Secondly, thanks for the belly laughs. -:) That alone should be good for all kinds of extra marks (please take note, judges..) -:) You carried off the first person point of view wonderfully, and you have a real talent for authentic dialogue. SO much creativity here!...

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Wendy Kaminski
02:40 Feb 17, 2023

I just get such a kick out of your reviews, thank you, Richard! :) "Temeraire series, by Naomi Novik" appreciate the trade for "Brazil" - I am definitely looking that up! :) I truly appreciate you taking the time to read and leave such amazing comments. :)

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Richard E. Gower
02:46 Feb 17, 2023

Any time...-:) RG

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Kevin V
00:15 Feb 17, 2023

What a decadent piece to digest! I LOVED this. So creative and so much fun to read. I might have to go see if I can get my five-bucks back! This is really fine writing, Wendy, and I will be back for more. Thank you for the smile.

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Wendy Kaminski
00:17 Feb 17, 2023

omg KV LOL "I might have to go see if I can get my five-bucks back!" is my new favorite compliment ever, that is so kind of you and hilarious, to boot. :) Thank you so much! It almost makes up for that TERRIBLE pun in the first sentence, so I'll overlook it. *grin*

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Viga Boland
22:55 Feb 16, 2023

Oh my heavens…how do you do it?! You blew me away with that fiery dragon breath and lifelike dragonian personality…personification extreme and utterly delightful. What an imagination Wendy! And my favorite line? “ Awww yeah: guilt-free gilt!” 😂😂😂😂

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Wendy Kaminski
23:25 Feb 16, 2023

haha! Thank you so much, as always, Viga - I really appreciate your encouragement! :)

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Viga Boland
00:55 Feb 17, 2023

My pleasure to be able to read something written by such a talented writer.

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KT George
19:16 Feb 16, 2023

This was so funny! What a fantastical way to tie in the prompt and Aesop! So many LOL lines right from the first sentence. Great job.

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Wendy Kaminski
19:31 Feb 16, 2023

Thanks, Kt! :D

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Marlise Pienaar
08:31 Feb 16, 2023

This was such a fun read! Loved the floating buffets!

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Wendy Kaminski
13:30 Feb 16, 2023

Thank you, Marlise - glad you got a kick out of it! :)

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22:35 Feb 15, 2023

Oh my goodness, this is funny - and I could see that naughty dragon! "virgin roasts (yikes) I was wondering how you'd tie Aesop into this - but perfect! Thank you for the fun - I wonder if they had dragon poop sirens ha

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Wendy Kaminski
22:37 Feb 15, 2023

hahaha :) Air Raid, for sure! :) Thanks, Patricia!

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Martin Ross
06:49 Feb 15, 2023

“Volcanic-barbecues-slash-virgin-roasts” — Larry knows how to party!🤣 This would make the pilot for a great Adult Swim-style, epic animated series, with the history-hopping adventures of our fire-breathing hero and his mythological nemeses. “Gaffelighting” is brilliant! And you have affirmed my conviction that “filthy lucre” is nauseating and, I assume, decadent.

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Wendy Kaminski
13:57 Feb 15, 2023

hehe Thanks, Martin! The whole time I was writing it, that old (Python?) phrase kept occurring to me: "And now for something completely different...". :P

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Martin Ross
15:53 Feb 15, 2023

Python was king at my high school speech meets in the ‘70s — the geeks like me who had little to do on a Saturday morning but to interpret stuff we’d have screamed about having to learn on a Tuesday. Your observation makes me hear John Cleese as I reread. And I’m a guy who wants H. Jon Benjamin to narrate everything ever created. BTW, I wore my Pickle Rick shirt into Hemingway’s old bar, and the gift shop guy did Dueling Mortys with me. Another shop guy on Duval gave me a mini-bottle of Fireball caused he loved the shirt. I kinda like a town...

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Wendy Kaminski
16:15 Feb 15, 2023

>I wore my Pickle Rick shirt into Hemingway’s old bar, and the gift shop guy did Dueling Mortys with me. Another shop guy on Duval gave me a mini-bottle of Fireball caused he loved the shirt. - LOL Only YOU, Martin! :) That is hilarious and fortunate all at the same time... forlarious? :) Fortuitous? (ah ha! :) >he’s finishing Part 2 for Netflix, I think! - NO>?@!!! omg!!! > if you can trim back on the defecatory reference, Larry could be a great kid’s book hero. - I thought so, too, but the whole point is that he's got this countryside-bu...

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Martin Ross
22:01 Feb 15, 2023

FORLARRRRIOUS!!!

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Wendy Kaminski
22:09 Feb 15, 2023

lol! :)

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Michał Przywara
02:23 Feb 15, 2023

Lol! Looks like Aesop really missed the boat here. Although I guess history is written by the victor (or something? :) ) Good voice here. We can empathize with the dragon - even sympathize a bit, despite the whole eating people thing - because he struggles with his own body betraying him. Pica - great idea! Really captures that it-seemed-like-a-good-idea-at-the-time feeling. "“You look pretty tasty,” is how it "makes me feel."" :) "Awww yeah: guilt-free gilt!" :) Gold teeth too. "my piles of filthy lucre" :D Always wondered where that ...

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Wendy Kaminski
02:42 Feb 15, 2023

lol Thank you, you have a high tolerance for goofiness, and I admire that! :D Appreciate the read and fun review. :)

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Russell Mickler
19:59 Feb 14, 2023

Grin - okay, Larry the FireLizard ...? Very funny ... "you look pretty tasty, that's how I feel" ... chortle ... "floating buffets" ... Was Larry doing stand up? I'm just picturing him at a mic ... anyhow, very funny, great voice... R

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Wendy Kaminski
20:03 Feb 14, 2023

I was thinking self-help group meeting :P. Thanks, Russell, as always, for reading and leaving delightful commentary. :)

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Russell Mickler
20:56 Feb 14, 2023

Ha okay group meeting I can see that … :)

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Wendy Kaminski
21:05 Feb 14, 2023

Changed caps on FireLizard, thanks for the assist! Does look better.

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Russell Mickler
22:41 Feb 14, 2023

Laugh - oh my! I don't think it matters, really? It's a contrived word firelizard ... giggle I think I wrote FireLizard because I cap things like that out of habit! But hey, if it floats your boat :) This one was very jocular ... I liked your voice in it, had a lot of character ... :) R

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Wendy Kaminski
22:44 Feb 14, 2023

lol Well hey, it works. And thank you! :)

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Roger Scypion
07:10 Feb 14, 2023

Too funny! Great story! The golden deuce...classic! I consider this a comedic masterpiece!

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Wendy Kaminski
13:04 Feb 14, 2023

Thank you very much, Roger - I am really glad you got a kick out of it! :)

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Jim Firth
16:04 Feb 13, 2023

Wowza, Wendy. This one rockets along at a comedic clip firing funnies like a machine gun! Kudos for subverting a run of the mill fantasy prompt and making it relentlessly hilarious throughout. I think my fave line has to be: 'Anyway, upshot is, I accidentally buried a small town in golden deuce'. Larry is just so cavalier about it! Properly, properly funny stuff :)

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Wendy Kaminski
16:07 Feb 13, 2023

LOL Thank you, Jim! :D I appreciate you taking the time to read and leave such an encouraging comment on this!

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Lily Finch
03:13 Feb 13, 2023

Wendy, So damn funny. I love it. You Two Tone write the same now. Great job. Some of my favourite lines (...Excuse my wings, they do that little flippity flip flip thing when they're happy.) Thing is, it was kinda like Chinese food: I was hungry again 2 years later. Obviously, eating it again was out of the question: I have pica, not scatophilia. OMG!! I laughed so much. Thank you as I needed a laugh. Thank you for the good read. LF6

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Wendy Kaminski
03:20 Feb 13, 2023

ROFL Thanks, Lily! You are right, this was closer to his particularly enchanting brand of out-there. :) Appreciate the compliment!

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Lily Finch
13:21 Feb 13, 2023

Why did you change the title? Schmuck vs jerk. Hmmm.

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Wendy Kaminski
13:55 Feb 13, 2023

Trying to figure out if I should keep it more PG… Also, a virgin-eating, gold-crapping dragon that draws the line at profanity is kinda funny, even though it means I have to skip the obvious sh!tcoin pun... :)

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Lily Finch
16:15 Feb 13, 2023

Ok. I gotcha.LF6

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Tamra Holms
23:53 May 28, 2023

This is a very unique take on this prompt and I am totally here for it! Larry the FireDragon is obviously talking to an audience and the way he talks is so entertaining. I wouldn't mind hearing more from him and I love how it tied into the Goose and the Golden Egg, the twist on that story too. :)

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