58 comments

Romance Drama Funny

Red.

The strawberries you hand-picked from your garden. I always pick the not-quite-ripe ones, but you have a sixth sense for the perfect fruit. You'd wanted to grow your own strawberries since you were a teenager and learned about all the chemicals that are put into mass-produced ones. You decide to eat just one while you wait for me. It's delicious. You've read all the books on gardening. You know all the tips and tricks. The strawberry melts in your mouth and blends perfectly with the hot summer's day.

Yellow.

The blanket you're lying on. We made it together, but neither of us was any good at quilt-making, and so the ends stick out. There's a hole down the middle from when I decided to surprise you with a fort. You smile at the memory of hearing chairs collapsing and me shouting, "I'm okay! Don't come down yet!". Eventually, we just sat on the couch.

The sun in my eyes as I drive to the park. Even with my sunglasses, it's practically blinding me.

Green.

The grass that pokes through the hole in the blanket. You can feel it scratching your lower back as you look up at the sky. The grass is a dried-out green, and it's poking you quite a lot. You almost wish you'd surprised me with a fort instead.

The caterpillar inching across your finger. You decide to call it Jerry, after our pitbull. I don't know why you have an obsession with that name. You set the caterpillar down on the grass and watch it inch away. Another one quickly replaces it on your hand.

You wonder how easy it would be to replace me. You don't think you'd be able to do it at all.

Blue.

The way you'd felt after that fight. After you'd thrown my handwritten journal into the fire. It was the only thing you knew I loved. I wanted to move. I wanted to spend a year in the city. A city like Paris, or New York, or Tokyo. You wanted to stay. You wanted to stay in the log house that we'd slaved to buy. You didn't want to leave your strawberries, or the furniture we'd built together (which was almost as bad as the blanket, but you took great pride in it). You love the mountains, the trees, and the fresh air. You are surprising me only because you want forgiveness for using my diary as kindling. You still don't want to move.

Pink.

My lips the last time I kissed you. On top of our house and underneath the sky. The stars blinked as they watched us. I was never the first one to make a move.

The first animal I'd ever held. A pig. Our first official date was to your uncle's farm. I begged you not to let him kill it. That day we both become vegetarians.

My journal. It had four hundred pages in it. I'd been using it to write since I was seven. The last thing my sister had given me before she went to serve in the military.

It's going to take more than a picnic for me to forgive you for that. I don't know if I have it in me. It's like you threw away all my memories. I'd always wanted to revisit my diary when I knew I didn't have much time left. I forget things, too. It always helps me remember. You don't know that I'm scared to forget you. I'm scared that you'll forget me.

Silver.

The stars we've watched so many nights. The stars that know all of our secrets. We painted them on one of our walls. I like to think that they watch over us. I like to think that they find us almost as fascinating as we find them.

The moon. The moon watches over us to, I guess, but it doesn't think we're fascinating. It has its own world to take care of. A world that's much bigger than ours.

The outside of the car I'm driving. The sun rains its hatred down onto its surface. I'm going to need to park in a shady area.

The ring. The ring you're not sure about. The ring that will make everything official. The ring that will let people know that we're not just friends sharing a house. The ring that you want to put on my hand and that you want to stay there. You fiddle with it, and even though the stars aren't out, they're watching you. They want you to succeed.

White.

The dresses we would wear. Gowns. Big and flowy. Bursts of light. We would run through the town, wearing those dresses. People would wonder where our husbands are. Those people don't know a thing.

The veils we would lift off of the other's face.

The chairs for the wedding guests.

The ridiculous loafers I would make you buy.

The cake.

The archway that we would stand under.

The flowers we would both hold.

The dresses we would stain.

The dresses that we would figure out how to clean.

The dresses that we would keep forever.

Your watch. It's a quarter past five. I'm late. You wonder if I'm coming. You feel a little sheepish at the ring. At the fantasy you created in your head. You stare at your watch as the seconds tick by. Most of the ice in the lemonade has melted. It'll taste more like water now.

The clouds. The clouds are too busy to care. They float away. What once was calming is kind of stressing you out. You try to make out shapes. Shapes that you'll tell me about. Once I get here. Once I get here.

Bright yellow.

How I feel when I finally find a spot in the shade to park. I hope that you haven't given up on me yet.

The color of the lemonade. There are still a few ice cubes floating at the top.

How I feel when I see the ring.

August 13, 2020 17:53

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58 comments

Roshna Rusiniya
07:45 Aug 14, 2020

Loved the way you used the second person point of view. Very enjoyable read!

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Alby Carter
16:07 Aug 14, 2020

Thanks!

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P. Jean
18:13 Oct 10, 2020

Double like on the style, your description of things so real they promote lemonade taste as I sit in my dark nest reading your words. Amazing writing!

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Alby Carter
19:32 Oct 10, 2020

Thank you!

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P. Jean
23:03 Sep 17, 2020

Clear talent. Love the story. Simple things with attached feelings...building toward the climax. Loved it!

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Alby Carter
23:26 Sep 17, 2020

Thank you!

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P. Jean
23:30 Sep 17, 2020

You are welcome

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Velma Darnell
19:47 Aug 13, 2020

Well, as promised, here I am :) WOW! I loved how you used the colors to create the story and connect the events, it's a really unique but interesting decision. The way you describe feelings and events is just great, it easily makes me imagine everything in my mind. Also, I didn't expect the characters to be two girls, and that truly amazed me! I loved these lines: "Those people don't know a thing" "...and even though the stars aren't out, they're watching you. They want you to succeed." Your narrative style complements the story a...

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Alby Carter
22:32 Aug 13, 2020

Thank you so much!

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Mindy Peterman
02:00 Sep 18, 2020

Beautiful imagery. I love how you use of colors to set the scenes. You writing is economical but conveys so much emotion in this moving story. Excellent work.

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Alby Carter
02:11 Sep 18, 2020

Thanks!

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D. Jaymz
01:14 Sep 18, 2020

Very well-written 👏 You have used the second person to the advantage of the story, creating intimacy and longing. Using color for the structure was creative. It made the story an easier read, letting it flow gently through my mind. Great work 😊

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Alby Carter
01:56 Sep 18, 2020

Thanks so much!

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D. Jaymz
04:15 Sep 18, 2020

You're welcome 😊

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Suzi Zinn
23:13 Oct 23, 2020

Thank you for your compliment on my Autumn Heat. I enjoy your stories too. Keep writing. Also, I am following you.

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Alby Carter
04:25 Oct 24, 2020

Thanks!

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Patricia Adele
22:47 Oct 17, 2020

This was an interesting read. I thought it was a very novel approach to the story, using the colors the way you did. Good job!

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Alby Carter
23:01 Oct 17, 2020

Thank you!

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Abhishek Todmal
20:47 Oct 12, 2020

Loved it, Alby. I was hooked from the get go. You have the storytellers fingers. Very vivid imagery put forth upon us readers, always the sign of a good writer. I'm glad I read this. Also, I think the moon does care about us. It's not just the stars. The moon can get awfully lonely out there !

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Alby Carter
21:27 Oct 12, 2020

(: Thank you!

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Lord Dangler
09:34 Sep 26, 2020

Loved the tying of color to the story.

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Alby Carter
18:08 Sep 26, 2020

Thanks.

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Gip Roberts
19:53 Sep 22, 2020

You crafted an awesome story out of this theme of colors. Loved it.

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Alby Carter
20:25 Sep 22, 2020

Thanks!

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Pamela Abwao
04:31 Sep 20, 2020

You have used your colour description wonderfully well l believe you can add dialogues in case it isn't the second person I loved it

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Alby Carter
17:33 Sep 20, 2020

Thanks!

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Elizabeth Inkim
23:34 Sep 19, 2020

Great concept! I enjoyed the colours themes, personas and descriptions. I would love to know what you think about my latest stories ‘Silent Citadel’ and ‘Enigmas of the Shadow Sea’. I also think that you would really like my first story ‘And I am a creator at heart’ it’s a non-linear story; for me, there's something about what the author doesn't say that's captivating.

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Kendall Defoe
15:55 Sep 19, 2020

Well done! I like the pacing and the imagery...keep them coming.

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Alby Carter
15:58 Sep 19, 2020

Thanks!

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Andrew Krey
11:11 Sep 19, 2020

Hi Alby, I loved the way you structured the story; so direct, which enhances the second person narration. The style contrasts the subject matter - intimate feelings/memories but a short precise description almost like bullet points - which I wasn't sure about at first, but by the end I think you made it work very well for your story. I also liked the fact that we're told she couldn't forgive her for the journal, but she obviously does in the end (but isn't directly stated), which indirectly shows the strength of their relationship. I also...

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Alby Carter
15:36 Sep 19, 2020

Hi Andrew. I really appreciate you reading my story and giving some feedback.

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Andrew Krey
18:01 Sep 19, 2020

You're welcome :)

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Milja Luomala
19:05 Sep 18, 2020

Such a creative way to tell a story!

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Alby Carter
20:28 Sep 18, 2020

Thanks!

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Caroline Mundy
12:40 Sep 18, 2020

Hi Alby. I read your story because you liked mine, and I really enjoyed it. Firstly, it had a lovely cadence to it, almost like prose poetry. It was an interesting technique to use colours to introduce new thoughts and this would be a great exercise for me to try with students I will be mentoring later in the year if you wouldn't mind me doing that. I'd be happy to show your piece as an example beforehand. My favourite part was that the couple were both women as it wasn't obvious at the outset and I enjoy my preconceptions being challenged b...

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Alby Carter
13:58 Sep 18, 2020

Hi Caroline! Thank you so much for reading and reviewing my story. Feel free to use it as an example in your mentoring class. I'm glad you liked the way I wrote it. Thanks again, Alby.

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Metaxia Tzimouli
08:49 Sep 18, 2020

I love stories with first and second point of view! I also loved the imagery and how you used certain words (colors) to build up the story. Very sweet and it put a smile on my face!

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Alby Carter
13:58 Sep 18, 2020

Thanks!

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Charles Stucker
02:53 Sep 18, 2020

I saw nothing in terms of editorial errors needing correcting. I recognize the style- it's very modern, but it feels a bit clinical for this. Your imagery, the sentence structure, everything is good about he work itself, but the chosen style is too much tell for an intimate story of getting engaged. OTOH it does create a sense of poetry, with strong metaphors. Are the colors a specific message using one of the many secret color codes from different courts throughout history? I know both Japan and France had times when colors carried speci...

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Alby Carter
02:56 Sep 18, 2020

Thanks for the feedback. No, they aren't color codes from different courts throughout history, but that would be cool to incorporate sometime. Again, thanks for taking the time to read my story.

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B. W.
02:38 Sep 18, 2020

i enjoyed this story and you did a great job with it ^^ so guess what? imma give this a 10/10

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Alby Carter
02:44 Sep 18, 2020

Yay! I'm flattered. Thank you!

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B. W.
02:46 Sep 18, 2020

No problem ^^

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