A Perfect Match

‘Good morning, please take a seat and we can discuss your enquiry--- ’

‘I know you’re busy, so thank you for seeing me at such short notice.’

‘You’ve come to the right place and having read your CV, I’m sure I can help you.’

‘The thing is, I’ve outgrown my position and I need a new challenge.’

‘So you’ve got bored at work and you’re considering a new career?’

‘Yes, and given my wealth of experience, I’m certain I can succeed in any new role.’

‘You’re in a competitive market at the moment, however I can assure you there are plenty of candidates who are far less qualified, who’ve found a rewarding change of direction at a similar age.’

‘Like whom, for instance?’

‘Well, what does an unemployed Prime Minister do following a lucrative year of after-dinner speeches and endless book signings?’

‘I’d never really thought about it.’ 

‘Making a comeback in politics is fraught with pitfalls.’

‘I suppose he’d approach an employment consultant and--- ’

‘And tell the agent he’s a former world leader looking for a job?’

‘Point taken.’

‘No, we’d ask him to take a personality test because--- ’

‘That would match the candidate to a suitable vocation?’

‘Of course, and then he’d have a better idea--- ’

‘Do you have an example of the test?’

‘I can run through a typical questionnaire now if--- ’

‘Are you suggesting I answer as if I’m an unemployed Prime Minister?’

‘You’re both of a certain age, to be frank, and you might find it helpful.’

‘Given we have a similar background and mutual interests?’

‘Exactly. So whenever you’re ready?’ 

‘Let’s begin.’

‘What word would people close to you use to describe you?’

‘Well, it depends how close--- ’

‘Sorry, I should have explained this is multiple choice.’

‘Oh, well, that’s even better.’

‘So, let’s start again. What word would people close to you use to describe you?

A.  Friendly.

B.  Charming.

C.  Determined.

D.  Ruthless.’

‘I know that one, it’s--- ’

‘No, don’t say straight away.’ 

‘Oh, I thought--- ’

‘Please make a note and we can discuss your answers afterwards.’

‘This shouldn’t take long at all.’

‘The second question relates to how people see you.’

‘How people see me, you say?’

‘What question do people ask you often? 

A.   Where did you get that hat?

B.   Are you happily married or in a steady relationship?

C.   Do you always get what you want?

D.   Are you always as rude as this?’

‘I get asked that all the time.’

‘Question three relates to your aspirations. Whom do you admire?

A.   Your father.

B.   A current world leader.

C.   The head of the Catholic Church.

D.   A celebrated British wartime politician who stood up to the Nazis.’

‘Oh, I know that one.’

‘Question four is about priorities. What do consider your greatest accomplishment?

A.   Being a dutiful son.

B.   Being a loyal husband.

C.   Setting a good example.

D.   Earning lots of money by whatever means.’

‘Difficult one that, although I’d have to say--- ’

‘Just make a note and we can discuss your choices at the end.’ 

‘Yes, yes, I understand – next!’

‘Question five is about dealing with failure.

A.   Do you admit when you’ve failed at something?

B.   Do you discuss your mistakes with colleagues?

C.   Do you try to blame someone for your failure?

D.   Do you deny any misdoing and change the subject?’

‘That’s a tricky one, as I haven’t much experience in that field.’

‘Never mind, just imagine how you’d respond under pressure.’

‘You mean make up an answer?’

‘Question six is about forming relationships. Who in your life is closest to you?

A.   Your parents or a family member.

B.   A colleague or friend.

C.   Your wife, husband or partner.

D.   Yourself.’

‘Is that a trick question or are you checking if I’m still awake?’

‘Question seven relates to your life experiences and what you value.’ 

‘I hope you’re not trying to find out my bank details?’

‘What are you most proud of?

A.   A prize or trophy you won at school?

B.   Your family?

C.   Your children?

D.   Your reputation?’

‘I was never much good at sport and my kids never answer their damn phones, so--- ’

‘So, moving on to the next question.’

‘Yes, yes, all right.’ 

‘Question eight considers your personal interests.’

‘Are there many more questions?’ 

‘What do you do with you’re your free time when you have no plans?’

‘I haven’t got all day, you know?’

‘You’re making great progress, so let’s continue.

A.   Do you watch television?

B.   Do you read an improving book?

C.   Do you never have free time because you have endless schemes?

D.   Do you enjoy the company of friends, drink to excess and worry about it later?’

‘One’s too many most of the time, right? But I’m not here to discuss the program.’

‘Question nine is all about difficulties in your life. What is your greatest personal challenge?

A.   Do you have a congenital disorder that limits your activity?

B.   Do you have problems in your marriage that need addressing?

C.   Do you have financial issues that restrict your expenditure?

D.   Do you not recognise any problems and blunder onwards?’

‘I’ve never had time for displays of weakness, so hmm… ’

‘Moving on to question ten. This is about your childhood memories.

A.   Did your parents use physical punishment to enforce discipline? 

B.   Were you popular amongst your peers at school?

C.   Do you recall showing affection towards a family pet?

D.   Did you ever cheat to win a birthday party competition?’

‘Does pinning an extra tail on the donkey count as deceit?’ 

‘Question eleven is about your self-awareness.’ 

‘You’re not going all touchy-feely on me, are you?’

‘If you could alter one thing about your personality, would it be?

A.   Are you generous to a fault?

B.   Are you painfully shy?

C.   Are you too trusting?

D.   Are you perfect and have nothing to change?’

‘I’ve always considered myself far too secure to be modest?’

‘Question twelve is about your outlook on life.’

‘Is that the time already?’

‘I appreciate you’re busy, however, let’s do a couple more.

A.   Do you believe others generally have good intentions?

B.   Do you see the worst in others?

C.   When you see a glass of water, do say it’s half full?

D.   Are you over optimistic and sway opinion by being economical with the truth?’

‘How much am I paying you for this session?’

‘Question thirteen is about patience, seeing through a job, and waiting for the results.

A.   Do you make sure a task is completed to everyone’s satisfaction?

B.   Are you happy to sign it off when the majority is content? 

C.   Do you consider who will tidy up the loose ends after you’ve moved on?

D.   Can you wait to get the job done or proceed with the next one, regardless?’

‘Is there much more of this?’

‘I think we can gauge a response now depending on your answers--- ’

‘I got D for the first four and then a C and D’s for the next bunch and, err--- ’

‘The software will consider your responses and make suggestions immediately.’

‘Actually, all of my answers were D.’

‘Well, if that’s the case, I’m pleased to reveal the computer’s recommendation.’ 

‘Splendid, let’s hear it then.’

‘Your ideal job match is either an estate agent or a traffic warden.’

‘Can we try again?’

The End