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Christian Coming of Age Lesbian

Hello! This isn't exactly about two species meeting, but there's me (the ghost) and the girl at the end, so... um, yeah. I hope you enjoy it. Trigger warning, there's some homophobic stuff, so if you don't want to read about my dad insulting people, you have full permission to not read this. This is a personal story, and kinda good if I say so myself. It's about been Christian and queer and trying to find the balance when I feel like, well, a ghost. I hope you enjoy this, and yeah, it has a random vent at the end about a pride parade. For reasons.

*Edit: I had a typo where I forgot the B at one point, I am totes not a biphobe, and thought I was bi for a time myself. Love y'all.*


It’s difficult. 


There’s doubt all over— from strangers, from deep inside, from my own spirit.


From family.


Why?


It’s not that hard to explain.


The world sees it like this: here are the religious people. They cannot be queer. Here are the queer people. They cannot be religious.


Aren’t we all children of God, though? Can’t we all be loved, no matter who we love?


But no.


It’s not, not for them.


You see, I’m a ghost.


In my own home, in my own family. I am a ghost, who moves through walls, haunting the people who say they love her, trying to be seen for what she is, and at the same time, terrified that my true colors will show through.


Black, gray, white, purple.

Red yellow, green blue, indigo, violet. 


 The colors that my parents see and scoff at. They scoff at the brightly-colored flags hanging from neighbor’s porches and frown at the rainbow stickers on my friends’ cars. 


She’s not going to be friends with one of them. They’ll turn her, you know… gay.


Like glass, I am transparent, light shining through me. I’m so scared they’ll see me for who I am. Because I’m not like them. I pray, almost eery night, for God to help me find who I am. And it’s working, a little. I’m still too scared. 


I was always fascinated by things I didn’t understand. As a kid, I would read a book or see a show with two people of the same gender together, and I would be interested. 


How did they learn they could be in love with each other?


How come they could, but I couldn’t?


My father was probably the worst part of it all.


He didn’t understand.


Neurotypical, allosexual, straight as a line. 


I still remember his commentary from my childhood.


A library is no place for children. Especially not with the books they’ve got nowadays.


Ah, yes. Those forbidden books. I would haunt my way over to the library, a little ghost, skimming titles and spines, always tantalized by the ones I could not read. The ones with that strange string of letters on the back. It wasn’t a word, I knew. Must’ve been an acronym. 

L.

G.

B.

T.

Q.


I grabbed one of those forbidden books, once. It was a risky move, but I was interested. I held it in my quivering, ghostly hands, amazed at he wonders it could contain— a story about a girl. 


A girl who liked girls.


It was taken from me pretty quickly.


This book is too mature for you. It contains romance. Mature themes.


I let myself part with it.


I still remember the way those words were spat out, like romance was a bad thing.


I remained a little ghost. Loyal to my parents. Loyal to their beliefs. Loyal, so they’d love me. They said they’d love me otherwise, but I heard what they said.


How cruel they were to people who were different.


I was eight years old, a loyal little ghost, when I learned about chromosomes. 


Two X’s made a girl. An X and a Y made a boy. 


“But what about two Y’s?” I remember asking, drawing what I’d learned in chalk. “I think… voila! I’ve invented a new gender!”


I remember my father’s frown.


There’s no such thing as a third gender. Two Y’s don’t make anything. Some people try to invent new genders, but they are stupid. Understand?


I paled until I was nearly invisible. But I nodded. I didn’t want to disagree.


Only now do I realize how much I repressed to pretend I was like them. A little ghost girl, following her parents, who always knew better. Who didn’t like lots of things, like people who “made up” genders and people who kissed people of the same gender. 


And tattoos. 


Lord, how they loathed tattoos. 


I’d like to say I told God about it. But I was kinda detached from the whole religion thing as a kid. It wasn’t until I got older that I realized maybe I should think about who was up there. And it brought me comfort. But I knew people didn’t like those who looked to the sky. Society didn’t like ghosts.


Just another thing to hide.


But it’s hard to hide when they can see right through you. 


The world is ****ed up. I’m going to protect her from all that. She’s my daughter. Not my son. 


I repressed a lot. Forced myself to forget. When you’re a ghost, you can’t do much about memories. They’re fluid, fleeting, weird. 


I remember this mural.


It was of a boy, holding a girl mask. He’d been born as a girl, but had a boy’s spirit inside. 


How long did I hold that down?


How long before it faded, like I did?


It started coming back. The hurtful words, the hateful swears, the things I forgot all about. Like that girl who I thought was pretty. 


Dad said those people were gay, and being gay was bad. I would be a good little ghost, I reasoned, and stop liking her.


How did I forget her?


Then, I started exploring. What if this little ghost was something else?


There was a kid in one of my classes who wasn’t a boy or a girl.


There was a girl I was friends with who liked boys and girls.


There was an incredibly cute girl, with curly, fluffy hair and a smile like Philippa Soo who made me feel a bit less of a ghost.


Sometimes she was a girl and sometimes she wasn’t. 


She saw my stupid, see-through self and said it was okay. 


She said that it was okay be who I was.


That God would love me even if I was out of the ordinary.


She liked someone. Someone who wasn’t a boy— the first person I met who said she was “a lesbian” and smiled. 


I guess something was wrong with me, cause I liked her. 


Not that way.


But way more than a friend.


And I’m still a ghost.


I’m still scared.


My dad still says non-binary people are retarded.


My mom still cringes when she sees my friends wearing rainbow stuff.


But at least if I’m a ghost, I can walk through walls.


Hide in the closet.


Wait until someone say “I like you.”


And they mean it.


My way.


*Additional story/vent thingy*


THE PRIDE PARADE


It comes to me in fragments, broken pieces. As we drove past, I saw a couple, two girls, wearing rainbow capes and walking and in hand. But my dad didn’t like them. He said something cruel under his breath. There were more ad more of them— a whole rainbow of different flags, different couples. My dad drove the long way to avoid them. He doesn’t even go the long way to keep me off the highway when I’m having an anxiety attack. He called them freaks. I started to fade. I was a freak. I was a bad one. I wasn’t good enough. But I didn’t even know why he was upset. I only knew what the G in that string of letters meant, and that was because he liked to use it as an insult. It mean people of the same gender who liked each other, not an idiot. But still, but still, but still. And then, later, we were at the store. I went to the bathroom, with my mom, clearly, because there could be men. And on and on, there was this girl. She came from the parade. My age. Blond, pretty, rainbows on her cheeks.

Like dad taught me, I frowned at her.

She looked sad.

I smiled.

I tried not to stare.

But I knew how my mom rushed me out of there that this girl was Not One Of Us.

I wonder where she is.

I wonder if she remembers me.

I wonder if anyone cares at all, that the little ghost is not so ghostly anymore. 


Ghost, ghost, ghost.


Not that it matters.

It’s difficult. 




April 24, 2022 18:02

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154 comments

Cooper Armstrong
13:35 Sep 08, 2022

Hey, how did you get so many points? Can you give me some pointers?

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21:33 Sep 08, 2022

No idea how I got points? I sort of gave up on getting some, I make lots of comments when I'm hanging out with folks on this platform, I guess

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Philia S
11:51 Jul 14, 2024

hi! hope you remember me loll hope youre doing well :)

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hey emerald bruh i literally posted a "hihhihi" on this story like three days ago but im still saying hi cuz i miss you man :')

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02:29 Feb 04, 2023

hey Em- istg every time i come on here (roughly every 3 months) i get sent in some sort of f-ing time machine to when things were normal on this site

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22:14 Feb 06, 2023

Same, I swear it's all gone to pants ':)

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23:49 Feb 09, 2023

it has 😭 i miss everyone

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21:47 Feb 19, 2023

Yeah. So many of my old friends haven't been back in ages. Some say "just going on vacation" and then they haven't commented or posted in over a year. It's really sad, but maybe we'll get some new friends, too.

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03:57 Jun 26, 2023

i wish 😭

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Nicole Of 2022
01:22 Dec 21, 2022

Oh. My. God. (Besides the small places where you left letters out of your words. XD) This is fantastic and SOOO understandable for the LGBTQ+ community. I completely relate to all of it, and I think that's why it touched my heart so much just to know that someone else has gone through the same experiences. It hurts. Like a kick in the stomach. We shouldn't be raised to be homophobic. Thats what makes it so hard to come out. I still got some experiences to experience because I haven't come out to my dad yet. Here for you if you need ...

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22:46 Jan 10, 2023

Thank you for showing interest! It's been a little while since I last wrote, but I think I am gonna do some lesbian fluffy stories soon :)

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Nicole Of 2022
00:19 Jan 11, 2023

Thank god.

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Yves. ♙
01:39 Aug 08, 2022

This clearly comes from a place of a lot of pain-- I wish you the best in the future. Just know that everything gets better when you turn eighteen, and when you become independent from your family (no matter when that may be). LGBT authors got to stick together! Thanks for sharing this one with us.

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12:52 Aug 08, 2022

Thanks for reading this, and thanks for your kind words. It's definitely getting better on my end :)

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Vera Vuscoe
01:05 Jul 15, 2022

HHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII I dunno if i was crazy girl back when I left, but nowwwwww............. :)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) YOU CAN NEVER USE TOO MANY SMILEY FACES :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

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14:26 Jul 15, 2022

HELLO HOW ARE YOUUUU

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Vera Vuscoe
17:42 Jul 15, 2022

HIIIIII GOOD VERY REALLY AMAZINGLY GOOD HBU???????????

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22:51 Jul 15, 2022

GOOD NOT TOO SHABBY BYSELF

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Vera Vuscoe
00:26 Jul 16, 2022

I JUST FINISHED A CHAMPIONSHIP SWIM MEET IM SOOOOOOOOOOOO TIRED BUT ALSO AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH LOLOLOLOLOL

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14:10 Jul 16, 2022

MAN, THAT'S COOL I SLEPT WRONG A FEW DAYS AGO AND MY LEGS STILL HURT I USED TO BE ATHLETIC, NOT AS MUCH NOW

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Dhwani Jain
18:24 May 26, 2022

Hey! Where are you? Why has Reedsy been so boring lately? (copy-pasting this to a lot of people as I'm BoReD)

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16:32 Jun 06, 2022

Hi!

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Dhwani Jain
06:50 Jun 07, 2022

YOu're back! I neve asked you this...why this new name?

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19:50 Jun 07, 2022

I decided to try some new makeup and it always looks uneven, it's my character trait now :)

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Dhwani Jain
06:48 Jun 08, 2022

I like it =D

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12:59 Jun 08, 2022

Thanks :)

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Laiba M
01:27 May 18, 2022

I love the story! It felt so real and you set the perfect tone for the piece :)) You were able to beautifully describe the feeling of being ghostly that everyone can relate to in some way, great job!!

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12:14 May 18, 2022

Thanks! I'm proudest of this one :)

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Laiba M
02:42 May 31, 2022

Ofc!!~

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19:07 May 31, 2022

How are you?

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Sia S
05:47 May 17, 2022

Pretty nice! (The layout, not the situation) it was raw, deep, and honest. No critique, just I think you should have been a little more descriptive, as I feel the same things/adjectives are being repeated. :)

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Dhwani Jain
15:06 May 09, 2022

How you doing?

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17:50 May 09, 2022

Pretty good, save for the fact that my parents almost went through my room when I wouldn't let them see the book I was reading (twas a queer romance, they'd probably think I was queer, which I am, but then I'd be in big trouble and probably not be able to go online until I moved out)

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Dhwani Jain
01:17 May 10, 2022

XD....so you're still alive?

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18:41 May 10, 2022

Yeah, I'm still alive...

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Dhwani Jain
18:20 May 10, 2022

Also, quick question, if I ask the following, what would be your answer after CaLcUlAtIoNs????? (detailed explanations are appreciated) Give me the answers for these: 1) 4 into 2 2) 4 times 2 3) 4 multiplied with 2 4) 4 two's are?

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21:55 Apr 28, 2022

I loved this story so much! It was so relatable, I’ve lived through being a ghost. Your tone and pacing here were perfect. The details were beautiful and tragic. This is definitely one of my favorite stories I’ve read. I can’t wait to read more of your stories!

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13:13 Apr 29, 2022

Thank you! A lot of the other stuff, besides the one before this, are more of horror/supernatural/superpower stuff from ages ago, so they're not as good, but I'm glad you liked it!

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oh this was so heartbreaking, and i can relate to it sm im always here for you as the resident bendy straw ^^

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22:54 Apr 25, 2022

Thanks. Hope all is well for you, too :)

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HI SORRY FOR NOT RESPONDING OML- but ty lol :D

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14:16 May 07, 2022

It's ok! Haha I'm clinically dead inside today, I gogt an eye problem and can't wach show or text so I'm typing with one eye and it hurt

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Lmao- I'm sorry tho, that sounds like pain TvT feel better soon

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12:17 May 08, 2022

Yeah, plus I'm watching Legend of Korra AND Owl House (I love my cartoons) with ONE FREAKING EYE

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Unknown User
04:33 Sep 24, 2022

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21:08 Oct 10, 2022

Hhhhey

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Unknown User
02:36 Jun 14, 2022

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12:57 Jun 14, 2022

So it appears I may be NB. I don't know. It kinda scares me, cause I like being a girl, but I don't know what the pants a gender's supposed to feel like.

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Unknown User
19:30 Jun 14, 2022

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20:58 Jun 14, 2022

Yeah, can't I just be a human being? Yeah, if you've got anything that would be neat

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Unknown User
08:43 Jun 15, 2022

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12:44 Jun 15, 2022

I dunno, I guess I kinda like being a girl cause it's all I've ever been but I don't know what it's supposed to feel like, and I kinda like they better than she? It just sounds better for me. Like, I don't wanna "let go" of being a girl, per se, but I don't feel like that's what I am. I dunno. It's really confusing.

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Unknown User
06:29 Jun 09, 2022

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13:36 Jun 09, 2022

Same for me! EEE! I also came out to some folks, we were exchanging social medias, they were my closest friends from childhood, and I had an ace profile picture... they were really chill bout it, though one didn't get what it meant right away!

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Unknown User
02:37 Jun 14, 2022

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12:57 Jun 14, 2022

Nice!

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Unknown User
21:08 May 02, 2022

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17:03 May 03, 2022

Aww, thanks! Yeah, every time I forget about it it draws me back.

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Unknown User
20:36 May 03, 2022

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20:41 May 03, 2022

Someone's bullying me a ton and I hate it, slurs and accusing me of not having a proper education.. Not here, though. jerk.

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Unknown User
20:45 May 03, 2022

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21:42 May 03, 2022

Thanks. Blocked the jerk and deleted them comments. Big idiots don't deserve a moment of my time :) How are you?

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Unknown User
05:31 Apr 25, 2022

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13:18 Apr 25, 2022

LOL, same. Yeah, it's really hurtful. Thanks for reading!

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Unknown User
22:52 Apr 24, 2022

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23:09 Apr 24, 2022

Thanks so much! This was written kinda hastily, so I'm glad I got the feeling across. I'm really sorry you've felt the same, it really hurts to feel like you have to choose, and to feel so much hate from your own parents. Thanks for reading this :)

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Unknown User
23:10 Apr 24, 2022

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23:35 Apr 24, 2022

Thanks! Yeah, that's so annoying. Plus you find posts that pit the two communities against each other and don't know who to stand with... haha, good times. And when your dad shamelessly trashes NB folk in front of you. Fun.

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Unknown User
23:38 Apr 24, 2022

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23:41 Apr 24, 2022

Exactly! I had to hide that I watched She-Ra and prayed my parents never looked up TOH or Korra. Just a pair of girls holding hands or a character who's gender isn't easily identifiable and you're cut off. And the whole "it's the devil" thing seems preposterous, cause there are so many ways evil's worked itself into society, we have bigger things to worry about than who's kissign who.

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Unknown User
13:48 Apr 29, 2022

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16:15 Apr 29, 2022

Thanks! Doing pretty good, but reedsy always loads creepy and with no stories so I get a heart attack every time that they got lost. Doing some Latin, pretty chill right now...

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Unknown User
16:45 Apr 29, 2022

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16:49 Apr 29, 2022

Yeah. I was rp-ing with someone but they're at school so poof! They vanished

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18:33 Apr 25, 2022

Ok!

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12:48 Apr 28, 2022

(You don't have to read this fi you don't want to, I just wanted to tell someone about it and we had this long thread.) Nearly came out to my dad yesterday in many ways... kept the queerness down but did shout about how I seem to have a fractured personality. Followed by immeditate trauma/mental health invalidation, via dad screaming. But later he was like "it's ok, I still love you, be sure to keep the nice one around" so I am very confused.

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Unknown User
12:51 Apr 28, 2022

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12:59 Apr 28, 2022

Aww, thanks. He basically shouted at me that "real" trauma was if your house burned down and your parents died, and then he was asking me what my trauma was to help me understand it? Dads are so weird. Bu thanks again :) You can vent to me anytime :) Working on finding the right colors for the line project thing right now... darn, I've got a bunch. Most, except for gray... everyone around me is pretty chill. I'm the weird one, I guess.

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Unknown User
13:08 Apr 28, 2022

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20:11 Apr 28, 2022

Yeah. Thanks, it makes me feel seen to know there are other people like me... Haha I have most of them. And I've recently gotten red/orange... like, just a short time ago, I scratched up my arm during an anxiety attack... I hope it goes away soon. Anyway, I feel like I'm venting too much, so how are you?

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