Can you keep a Secret?

Can you keep a secret?

I suspect that you have to be able to do that based on your chosen profession I mean.

So I have been hearing voices for as long as I can remember. And that’s not the secret part. It’s one of the first things I told you when we met at your birthday party. And yes I know it’s strange to meet your therapist at their birthday party; but I was seeing your cousin at the time and they brought me along. It was your cousin who recommended that I start seeing you in a professional manner.

One of my first memories: I had to have been maybe 3 years old, and the voice would talk to me about using the potty. I feel like I have to explain a little. When I say voices; I mean more of an internal disembodied voice that would sometimes go on, and on. It wasn’t like I would talk to the voice and it would answer; and it wasn’t like talking to myself. And it also wasn’t “God” or my neighbor’s cat talking to me. I’m not crazy; I just have a Voice. Although the whole disembodied Voice thing does not do much to prove that I am “Sane”.

I talk to myself about as much as anyone, and I have found throughout my life that talking to myself; either out loud or internally, has helped me make certain decisions. The difference for me is that my Voice speaks of its’ own accord and often doesn’t agree with me. To be perfectly honest; it usually doesn’t agree with me.

My parents used to think that I had an imaginary friend: but it wasn’t really like that for me. I never associated the Voice with any of the classic imaginary friend tropes like animals or another child similar to myself, or even a ghost.

Over the course of my life, the Voice has gotten more pervasive, and persistent. Several times a day I can rely on it to make it’s presence felt. And during this past year it has gotten much more aggressive and I dare say; oppressive. That’s really why I followed your cousins’ suggestion to start seeing you as my therapist.

Yeah I know that you are my therapist; and you aren’t saying anything, or asking any questions right now, but that’s understandable considering the situation. You really don’t have a choice right now; but don’t worry,  before we’re done, you will get a chance to put your two cents in soon enough.

It’s ok for me to talk out loud and for you to listen. You have asked me before about the Voice and things that it says; and admittedly I have been vague about it. It’s just that the Voice has been a part of me for so long; it’s one thing that is mine alone, and I don’t like to share it. My parents made me feel “off” because of the Voice, after they realized that it wasn’t an imaginary friend; but that their child had something wrong with them. Mom and Dad didn’t want people to know there was something wrong with me; so they didn’t send me away or put me in therapy.   Any time I told them about the V oice they would tell me it was just my imagination – running away with me- but it was a part of me. And my parents would be embarrassed if their friends knew that their child was some kind of whackadoo.  So after a while I stopped telling people about the Voice. It was still there; always chatting, spouting off nonsense and or wisdom depending on your point of view, about how I should be living.

The Voice has been getting progressively worse over the past year. That’s what convinced me to listen to your cousin and take you on as my therapist. Our sessions have been interesting; and very therapeutic. That makes perfect sense; you being a therapist and all.

I know you tried a variety of things; the hypnotherapy was interesting but you know I never really was able to go “under”, so that therapeutic tact didn’t work. Regression therapy didn’t do anything for me either. I apparently have only ever been me. I don’t know if that disappoints me or not. I always thought it funny that people always claim to be someone famous or infamous from their “past lives”. Why can’t just one person have been a nameless milkmaid or a common chimney sweep or something else mundane? 

You told me that you are not a big fan of medication but you do admit that some courses of treatment are definitely …I think efficacious was the word you used. So when you started having me try different types of medication, I figured what the hell! It couldn’t hurt right. Although of course I guess it could hurt; but the Voice just wouldn’t stop butting in, more and more. 

It took several different medications, and some interesting, and some disquieting side effects. I gotta tell you that anal leakage was not fun.

So you did finally find a medication that worked for me. I can see by your surprised look that you didn’t know that. I didn’t tell you for reasons of my own. That’s actually part of the secret that I want you to keep for me. 

You see the other part of the secret is what the Voice actually says to me. Remember I told you that the Voice has been advising or bossing me around my entire life. One of my earliest memories of the Voice was when I was a toddler and heavy into toilet training. 

The Voice insisted that I poop in the potty. It kept on and on about how I shouldn’t poop on the carpet or in my Daddy’s briefcase like I wanted to. Time after time the Voice would browbeat me into doing things it’s way. Behave it would say; follow the rules, don’t set your neighbor’s cat on fire.  The Voice always making me toe the line. After puberty the Voice really got bossy. Don’t shit on your neighbor’s lawn. Don’t put sugar in your English teacher’s gas tank no matter how much you didn’t like that twit.

Now you haven’t had much to say; because I have you bound and gagged, so that’s no surprise. I am going to take out your gag now so we can talk some more. You see the voice has been gone for the last few weeks. One of the last things the Voice insisted was that I not kill and eat your receptionist. 

Have you noticed that they have not come in to work or called for a few days? I need to know if you can keep a secret. 

Your receptionist was delicious.