If You Die, I Die

Do you remember that day?

The one where you almost died? I remember very clearly what I said to you as you told me to run; to save myself.

"If you die, I die."

That brought tears to your eyes. Your beautiful eyes.

Blue as a clear sky on a summer day. Your blonde hair was turned black with soot and ash, your throat was clogged with smoke as you tried to cough it out.

But you will always be beautiful, inside or out, no matter what you look like, where you are, or what you do. And as I saw you trapped, mouth open in a silent scream of plea that nobody heard, I knew, at that moment, I would do anything for you.

I knew that I loved you.

And the saddest part of all is, you blame yourself for the fire.

Please don't.

It's over now. Move on. Things happen, but they happen for a reason. Please understand this.

Don't keep yourself in the past; You're missing out on your future.

Don't remember the blinding red and blue lights that sped up your driveway, sirens wailing and people screaming. Don't remember the smoke that billowed in the sky, diminishing the stars' glimmer in the night. Don't remember the jets of water that attempted to put out the raging fire. Don't remember the pain you felt as the ceiling crashed down on you, trapping you and threatening your life.

Because guess what?

I will always be there to block out every noise, to blow away the smoke, to shelter you from the frigid water. To save you.

And then instead, you can remember your new baby sister, her eyes as beautiful as yours, twinkling with joy and beaming with life. Remember that sunrise in Colorado your brother drove you seventeen hours to see. Remember the feeling of pride and achievement as you shook Mr. White's hand and accepted your high school diploma.

Focus on the little things.

That baby bird that you helped get back to its nest, that perfect day in fall where the sun dipped below the horizon as you sat on your porch with your rottweiler, Buster. The layered cake you attempted to make, and as you huffed dramatically and burst out in laughter with your dad.

You are so much happier when you live in the present, and sometimes, it's as if you had forgotten what happened that night for a few short moments. And that's when your eyes truly sparkle, when they fully glow with youth and energy, forgetting about all the hatred and pain in the world.

But that pain is always going to be there. No matter what, there will always be one baby bird that isn't helped into its nest, one day where the clouds block the sunrise, one cake fail that won't be so hilarious.

There will always be death, pain, and hatred.

It doesn't mean that you have to be afraid of it, but you shouldn't try to avoid it, either. Mother Nature has her own flow, her own way of doing things; it's the circle of life.

Let it happen.

Everything, every event, every new life, and every death has a purpose. Don't be afraid of it, don't dwell on the past, and don't shy away from it. Let it come; embrace it. There will be sadness, my love, and you will mourn, but that's when you need to pick yourself up and keep going.

Live your life to the fullest. Go skydive, go climb mountains, go scuba diving. Get that motorcycle you've always wanted, and ride it. Feel the breeze run through your hair, let the adrenaline course through your veins. Fly. You want it so much.

And yet you don't go do it. You have enough money, and you know how to operate one, but you haven't bought that motorcycle. You tell me that it's because you're saving your earnings for college and that you want to support your family. I don't believe you; I know the real reason you haven't bought yourself one yet.

You're afraid of what could go wrong.

What happens when a car doesn't see you? What happens if the brakes don't work, or if you lose control?

You're afraid of dying.

My dear Katie, don't be. Death will find you one day, but it won't come to you as you're flying on the road. Don't hold back because of your fear.

Whenever death does knock on your door, embrace it. You will not leave this Earth until you have served your purpose, and believe me, you're destined for great things in life.

So go live it.

Live life on the edge. Be yourself, and don't be afraid to try new things every now and then. The Katie I know is always begging for adventure, open to trying everything.

But then the fire happened.

Now you aren't the same. What happened?

Oh.

Don't focus on that. You need to live your life, as I've said many times already. You didn't die in that fire for a reason. I was there to save you. That can't be a coincidence.

You may feel as though all of the world is against you, but please, I beg of you, move on. Don't live in fear. Don't let it control your life. Your life is yours, and yours only. Nothing can take it from you because you are in charge of what you do.

Don't remember the stretcher you were strapped onto as they rushed you to the hospital. Don't remember the slurred, hurried words that tumbled out of your family's mouths. Don't remember the white room with the white bed and the white curtains that you healed in for months. Forget it all.

That is your past now. History. Gone.

I know I rushed to tell you all of this, but please, take heed to my advice. Because I'm not going to be there to support you, to care for you, and to love you. Do you see this ring included with this letter? That's what I had planned for us.

But like I said: I was there to save you for a reason. You begged me to leave, to save my own life, but I knew. Oh, I knew. At that moment, nothing mattered more to me than you. Katie, I won't be on this Earth much longer. As I'm telling the nurse to write this now, I feel my breath becoming more shallow, my heart beginning to fail me.

Saving you from that fire was the best thing I ever did. You may not believe so, but hey.

If you die, I die, right?