Re: Don't Freak Out

To: Elsie Harning <elharn82@gmail.com>

From: Annika Harning <iamdead@theotherside.com>

Subject: Don’t Freak Out, Just Read This

Els,

Don’t freak out when you get this, okay? Please. Just read through this email. You’ll probably want to remember to breathe, too. [In, hold for four seconds, out, hold for four seconds. Got it?]

I found a way to communicate with you, just for 24 hours. Don’t ask how; had to make some shady deals with some higher (and lower) powers. But they set this up for me and now I’m here.

I just want to let you know I’m okay. For the most part, anyways. The other side isn’t as bad as I thought at all. I’m not really allowed to talk about it; I’m under “contract”, essentially. So, I’m sorry––I can’t give you much information about the whole “life after death” dig. I’ll just tell you that it’s really not what I expected––in a good way.

Enough about me. How are you? How’s Mom? What’re you going to be for Halloween tomorrow night? Most importantly, are you still breathing at the end of this email?

I love and miss you.

Love,

Annie

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To: Annika Harning <iamdead@theotherside.com>

From: Elsie Harning <elharn82@gmail.com>

Subject: Re: Don’t Freak Out, Just Read This

ummm hi? i don’t even know what im doing. im going crazy right? this is me going insane? im going insane. im turning this computer off now.

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To: Elsie Harning <elharn82@gmail.com>

From: Annika Harning <iamdead@theotherside.com>

Subject: Re: Re: Don’t Freak Out, Just Read This

Els,

You’re not going crazy. Please believe me. I’m a ghost. I’m trying to communicate with you, just for a day. I know that none of this really makes sense, but I’m just asking you to trust me. Can you do that?

Please talk to me. I don’t want to scare you, but we don’t have many hours left.

Love,

Annie

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To: Annika Harning <iamdead@theotherside.com>

From: Elsie Harning <elharn82@gmail.com>

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Don’t Freak Out, Just Read This

Annie,

Okay. I’m just going to type because it’s 2am and I’m tired and why not. Plus, I’ve already downed two tequila shots before typing this so I don’t have anything to lose at this point. The bottle’s right next to the computer, by the way. No surprise there, I’m sure.

I’m doing okay. I think. Unless I’m certifiably insane, which is still an option. Mom’s okay…mostly. Still spends every night crying, but she did get out of the bed today. She even took a shower, which, believe me, was very necessary. I had to quickly wash her sheets while she was in there––the smell wasn’t pretty. She’s back in bed now. But at least everything’s clean.

She did talk today. She said your name. That was it.

I don’t think I’ll be doing much for Halloween this year. I’m not exactly in the festive spirit, since, you know, you died just a couple months ago. Which makes me think I’ll be spending my Halloween in a mental hospital with this whole email thing.

Dammit. I should have seen that therapist. Maybe I’ll schedule an appointment tomorrow.

I’m three shots in now, by the way.

I miss you. If you’re real. Which you’re not. This is insane. I’m insane.

Love (this feels so weird),

Els

P.S. I’m going to bed since this is all a dream anyways and I need to make sure I’m not just hallucinating from being drunk. But, on the very, very small chance that this is real…I’ll talk to you in the morning? I guess?

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To: Elsie Harning <elharn82@gmail.com>

From: Annika Harning <iamdead@theotherside.com>

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Don’t Freak Out, Just Read This

Els,

Go to bed; get some rest. Try to drink some water so you’re not absolutely destroyed tonight (or, I guess, today, since you’ll be reading this in the morning).

I know you still don’t believe me, but hopefully when you wake up and see this email, you’ll know that I’m here and you’re not crazy. I promise.

Make sure to put the guitar version of the Bach Sonatas on the speakers in mom’s room. Those songs always inspire her to start writing music again. Remember when we used to play them for her when dad left? She was up and walking by week 3. Or maybe it was week 7. Do you remember when it was? Maybe they’ll work for my death, too.

Go easy on the tequila. Go harder on the White Claws. God, I miss those.

Why aren’t you going out for Halloween? What happened to Rachel and Elijah? Aren’t you guys still hanging out? I thought you did everything together. What’s up with that?

I miss you, too. So much. If there was a way I could see you, I’d do it in a heartbeat. But this is the only way.

Be safe.

Love,

Annie

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To: Annika Harning <iamdead@theotherside.com>

From: Elsie Harning <elharn82@gmail.com>

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Don’t Freak Out, Just Read This

Annie,

Okay. I had to spend the first hour after I read this email this morning crying my goddamn eyes out because I’m going to choose to believe that you’re really on the other side of this computer and I miss the living shit out of you. If I’m going crazy, then I don’t care. I don’t think I am. I think you’re really there, reading these emails, communicating with me. I have no idea how and I have no clue how this is at all possible but I am so unbelievably happy and shocked and every freaking emotion and I’m sorry I’m writing so quickly but I have so much to talk to you about and I don’t know how much time we have left.

There’s so much I want to tell you. School sucks. Home sucks. Everything sucks, Annie, without you here. Rachel and Elijah are giving me space. Too much space. It’s like they’re walking on egg shells whenever they’re around me. So we stopped hanging out. I have no idea what they’re doing for Halloween. I guess tonight is my first Halloween without them. It doesn’t matter, though; don’t worry about me. I’ll get through it.

I forgot about the songs. I think it was week 4, so you were right. You were always so good with that, with the details. You always had things figured out. Perks of being the responsible big sister, I guess. Now Mom and Rachel and Elijah and the world get this mess of a sister left behind instead of you.

Sorry if this is just a rant. I just miss you so goddamn much, Annie. And I’m scared that we only have a little bit of time. Is there any way that we can have longer? Can I just get another day with you? Please?

I love you,

Els

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To: Elsie Harning <elharn82@gmail.com>

From: Annika Harning <iamdead@theotherside.com>

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Don’t Freak Out, Just Read This

Els,

Thank God––you believe me. Good.

Your email broke my freaking heart, Annie. I know that you’re hurting. I know that it’s hard. But please, PLEASE don’t give up––you can do this. And please talk to Elijah and Rachel. They love you. I know they do. Just talk to them––just let them know what you’re going through. They’ll listen to you.

And Mom will get better; she’s going through a rough phase, but if it’s anything like dad’s situation, she’ll be better soon. And if she doesn’t get better, then get out of there. Make sure you take care of yourself first.

We don't have much time. I wish it was longer, too. But I’m so glad that I can at least talk to you for a short while.

Please know that I love you more than anything in this entire freaking world and I will always be by your side. ALWAYS. Whenever you're sad, or excited, or frustrated, or happy––send me an email. I might not be able to respond, but I'll find a way. I will. Okay? Don't give up. Live your life. You deserve it.

Love,

Annie

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To: Annika Harning <iamdead@theotherside.com>

From: Elsie Harning <elharn82@gmail.com>

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Don’t Freak Out, Just Read This

Annie,

I talked to Elijah and Rachel today. And, of course, you were right. We’re going as the Three Musketeers tonight––the candy bar, not the sword-fighters, or whatever. They hugged me and told me they’d be right beside me through everything. How do you always know what’s best? Guess you’re my guardian angel. Literally, now.

You’re right about Mom. I’ll try to be there for her. I don’t know if I can, but I’m going to try. But I promise that I’ll leave if it gets too hard.

You have to go soon, don’t you?

If you do, it’s okay. Really. I mean, I’m not okay. I don’t think I ever will be. But just knowing that you’re there, somewhere…I can breathe again.

I’m going to try to be okay. I promise. It’s not going to be easy, but I’m going to try really hard. I know that you love me, and I know that you’ll always be with me. And I'll keep you updated. I'll send the emails.

I love you. I’m going to be okay.

Love,

Els

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To: Annika Harning <iamdead@theotherside.com>

From: Elsie Harning <elharn82@gmail.com>

Subject: You There?

Hey Annie,

Are you there? Didn't see you respond to my last email.

If you're gone, it's okay. I love you and miss you.

Love,

Els

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To: Annika Harning <iamdead@theotherside.com>

From: Elsie Harning <elharn82@gmail.com>

Subject: Graduated today… and thinking of you

Annie,

I just graduated today. It was awesome. Rachel was the valedictorian, of course. She made this amazing speech; it was all about new beginnings and remembering old friends and keeping the people we love close.

I hope you know that I’m always keeping you close.

Love,

Els

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To: Annika Harning <iamdead@theotherside.com>

From: Elsie Harning <elharn82@gmail.com>

Subject: New Zealand––I’m here!

Annie,

Spent the last year traveling all over the world. Brought my laptop and all my emails everywhere I went. In New Zealand now; don’t have great service, but I’m at the top of the Routeburn. Finally made it to one of the Great Walks, like we always dreamed of. It’s even more beautiful than we imagined. Except I'm freaking starving. Down to a single jar of peanut butter. Whoops. Lesson learned.

Love,

Els

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To: Annika Harning <iamdead@theotherside.com>

From: Elsie Harning <elharn82@gmail.com>

Subject: Normalcy Is Weird

Annie,

I haven’t emailed in a while. Sorry; things have been busy. But good.

Rachel’s married with kids now. Elijah’s still the single bachelor, as we knew he’d be. And me…well, I just got engaged. She’s amazing; you’d love her.

We visited your grave yesterday. It was hard.

I still miss you more than anything.

Love,

Els

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To: Annika Harning <iamdead@theotherside.com>

From: Elsie Harning <elharn82@gmail.com>

Subject: Mom

Annie,

I don’t know if you already know this; maybe you do, because she’s there with you. But Mom died.

I don’t know how I feel about it. I’m happy that she’s not in pain anymore. But I miss her.

Like I miss you.

But I don’t feel alone. I know you’re out there.

Love,

Els

P.S. Think you’ll ever respond again? I don’t think you will. But it’s nice to email you anyways. Love you.

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To: Annika Harning <iamdead@theotherside.com>

From: Elsie Harning <elharn82@gmail.com>

Subject: Miss You

Hey Annie. Missing you more than ever lately. Been feeling lonely. Bella’s been awesome, of course. I just wish you could meet her.

Taking one more shot: you there?

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To: Elsie Harning <elharn82@gmail.com>

From: Annika Harning <iamdead@theotherside.com>

Subject: Re: Miss You

I’m here.