23 comments

Fiction Holiday Funny

Jonas Meyers was an asshole.


Everyone knew it. The board of directors knew it. The corporate employees and retail workers knew it. Hell, even his (asshole) wife was used to his assholeish ways. But unfortunately, Frank Meyes, Jonas’s father, founded the company sixty ago and passed it on to his son thirty years later. (Frank Meyers was, of course, also an asshole, but as he passed on his company to his asshole son, no one was particularly happy to see him go.)


The assholery was so prominent within the Meyer family that even the spoiled children were detested. They pranced around every franchise, knocking toys off shelves and screaming when their father didn’t buy them that limited edition toy airplane, the one from the commercials. The retail workers curled their lips when the Meyers came in, and the managers forced smiles. 


So when Jonas Meyers pulled his asshole April Fools’ prank, no one was really surprised.


Congratulations, employees!” read the email sent out that holiday morning. “You all have one extra week of vacation this year!


No one believed it, of course. They rolled their eyes at the email and continued on their day.


But Jonas Meyers, as many assholes do, had made a mistake.


He had meant to say “April Fools!” at the end of his email, for legal purposes. He had meant to include a footnote that said, “You will not be given an extra week of vacation. This was merely a prank.”


He had meant to write that, but he was so busy laughing at his asshole prank, and sending a picture of the awful email to his (asshole) wife, that he did not include the disclaimer. 


The legal department called him within thirty seconds of the email going out.


“It’s Legal, Mr. Meyers,” called his secretary.


Jonas ignored him and turned to the giant TV in his office. How very rude of his secretary; the idiot knew not to interrupt Jonas when there was a game.


The secretary, as used to Jonas’s assholery as Jonas’s (asshole) wife, shrugged and hung up the phone. And then he booked his week’s vacation.


In fact, all across the company, employees booked seven days for roaming the streets of Paris; swimming around tropical islands; skiing in Canada. And, coincidentally, they all booked sometime within the next three weeks, taking turns with team members. Therefore, there were not enough people each week to keep the company fully thriving, but there were still enough people that they needn’t have their vacations rescheduled.


Jonas, of course, didn’t know about any of this. He sat on his couch, drinking beer in the middle of the work day, and finished watching the game.


“You have fourteen messages from Legal,” said the secretary when Mr. Jonas left the office for a walk, feeling he had worked himself too hard that morning.


“I’ll call when I get back,” said Jonas briskly. He took the elevator all the way down, ignoring the ogling eyes of lesser employees, and walked out into the fresh air. Frowning, he turned off his phone; it seemed to buzz every minute.


Jonas strolled around the block, wrinkling his nose at anyone who wasn’t wearing a suit. He stepped into a coffee stop and tapped his foot as he waited in the line.


“Can we hurry it here? Some of us have got work to go to.”


After many grumbles and glares, many from Jonas himself when he was not able to skip the line, the CEO exited the coffee shop with a warm drink in hand. He slammed the door, vibrating the glass, and wandered back to his company’s building.


When he once again stepped into the elevator, and once again ignored the staring from those below him on the company ladder, he remembered to turn on his phone. Thirty two missed calls. He scrolled through the callers; none of them were his wife, thank goodness. He put his phone back in his pocket.


“Seventeen more calls from Legal, sir,” said his secretary.


Fine.


It was only ten minutes later, when Jonas had settled himself into his desk chair and finished every last drop of his coffee, that he called back the legal department and discovered his mistake.


“But that’s absurd,” he sputtered. “Anyone would know it was a prank!”


Too late, they said. Vacation days were scheduled and approved by supervisors, who also concurred that Jonas Meyers was, in fact, the biggest asshole they knew. Then the supervisors booked their own vacations.


Jonas immediately called his VPs into a conference meeting, ignoring the fact that it was lunch hour. He ordered them to cancel all vacations in every department.


“No can do, boss,” they said. “Flights are already booked. And Legal says you approved one extra week of vacation.”


The CEO looked at his people in disgust. “Then you’re all fired.”


“Cheers to that.” They left without a backward glance.


Jonas Meyers stared at the empty conference table before him and ran his fingers through his hair, shaking. Swearing, he emailed each VP and asked them to come to work but keep their vacations. However, those that cancelled and worked full-time over the next three weeks would receive double pay and a bonus. They all graciously accepted, having never really booked their vacations in the first place but happily approving their departments’ plans.


The corporate employees silently cheered at their desks and shared secret high-fives. Franchise owners grinned when Jonas Meyers visited their store, dark circles under his eyes from working nonstop for the first three weeks of April. He even snapped at his own children when they asked for a toy, and they gasped in shock before delving into rages of screaming and crying. When they left empty-handed, they descended into complete silence, for which the retail employees were grateful.


The three weeks of chaos didn’t put too big of a dent into the company, much to everyone’s great disappointment. It did, to everyone’s surprise, kickstart a success the business had never seen. It seemed, perhaps, that everyone, rejuvenated from an extra week of fun and leisure, was more productive that quarter than the past four quarters combined. 


Jonas Meyers, of course, credited himself with the success, because he was an asshole.

March 29, 2021 12:48

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23 comments

Claire Lindsey
01:25 Apr 01, 2021

Finally catching up on your stories! This is hilarious. I love the witty delivery and the opening/closing lines. No critiques from me on this one, it’s solid, clever humor through and through :)

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Lani Lane
18:34 Apr 06, 2021

Thank you so much, Claire! I'm so sorry, I have been super busy this past week so I'm just now catching up on your comments... and I just saw that your story I loved got shortlisted!!! CONGRATULATIONS!!! I am always so happy to see when you get recognition, you're such a fantastic writer. :)

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Claire Lindsey
19:05 Apr 06, 2021

Aww thank you!! Im just still so happy you’re back on Reedsy lol! I’ve been enjoying your stories and comments so much :)

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13:52 Mar 29, 2021

Haha! Love this! It was SO funny. I love how you kept the “asshole” theme throughout- it just made it that much funnier. The first sentence was perfect. :)

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Lani Lane
17:39 Mar 31, 2021

Thank you so much! This was a fun one to write. :)

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H L Mc Quaid
10:14 Apr 08, 2021

A fun and funny story, with a truly despicable anti-hero. well done. :)

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Lani Lane
14:24 Apr 08, 2021

Thank you so much, Heather!! It was fun to write. :)

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Nina Chyll
13:39 Apr 05, 2021

I thought it'd get old with the 'asshole' repetition, but the narrative pulled it off. I especially liked the (asshole) wife. If I was to offer critique, it'd be pretty standard: show a little more, tell a little less. It's a funny piece, but I wanted at times for a little more depth to the asshole protagonist.

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Lani Lane
18:35 Apr 06, 2021

Thank you, Nina! Thank you for your feedback. I don't write a lot of comedic pieces so it was definitely a learning experience trying to balance comedy with depth. I appreciate your comment!

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Leena Deshpande
12:38 Apr 04, 2021

this was a really good piece of comedy writing. I had a smile on my face throughout the story. Good job!!!

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Lani Lane
18:36 Apr 06, 2021

Thank you so much, Leena! :)

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09:33 Apr 01, 2021

Loved this! :D Great, punchy delivery and it's always fun when someone get's some much deserved comeuppance!

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Lani Lane
18:36 Apr 06, 2021

Thank you, Pete! I appreciate your comment. :)

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Shea West
17:01 Mar 31, 2021

Who doesn't love sticking it to an asshole boss?! This was a fun read.

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Lani Lane
17:40 Mar 31, 2021

Thank you for giving it a read! Had fun with this one. :)

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Kristin Neubauer
14:21 Mar 29, 2021

Hah! First and last sentence were the perfect bookends to everything in between. I loved the pacing and the simple phrasing, sentence structure. Certainly brought a smile to my day. I finally have a new story out if you have a moment to take a glance at it. No pressure though!

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Lani Lane
17:40 Mar 31, 2021

Thank you so much, Kristin! I would love to read your newest story - I’ll take a look at it tonight. Hope you’re doing well! :)

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Lani Lane
18:36 Apr 06, 2021

Apologies Kristin - this past week has really gotten away from me and I'm just now catching up on Reedsy. Hoping to read your story soon!

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Kristin Neubauer
00:10 Apr 07, 2021

No worries! I know how busy things can get - good luck managing it all!

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Lani Lane
03:54 Apr 08, 2021

Thank you! I was finally able to read it - left a comment over there, but just wanted to reiterate that your story is so fantastic!

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Lani Lane
12:48 Mar 29, 2021

Still need to do some editing.

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Tommy Goround
06:25 Sep 11, 2022

Haahah

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03:09 Dec 21, 2021

Love this one too, hope you come back and write some more.

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