223 comments

Crime Fiction Thriller

We arrived at the fast-food restaurant after fifteen minutes of driving, I've always forgotten the name of it but that's not important right now. "Come on Jackson, why don't you like this place that much?" Stella asked as we entered.

The two of us watched as Jackson seemed to angrily look around the room, he then finally pointed towards the kitchen. "Look at that guy..." we did as he told, it seemed like he was pointing towards the chef.

Stella rolled her eyes a bit and then spoke, "The chef guy? Yeah, I've never liked that dude either..."

I looked at the two of them a bit shocked, how could anyone hate him? "Robin? he's such a sweet guy though, why would either of you hate him?"

I awoke in my bed with a small startle, I still needed to find out who killed poor Robin. "Alright Charlotte, time to get up...you can solve this."

I didn't want to bother Jackson and ask for some of his help for...a lot of reasons, luckily there was someone else I could get some help from. I dialed the number and mumbled, "Please pick up..."

Her tired face appeared on the screen a couple minutes later, did I just wake her up? Stella yawned a couple of times before finally speaking, "What's going on this time, Charlie?"

"You know I don't like being called that..."

"Okay, Charlotte...can you just tell me what's going on now? I'm kinda in the middle of doing something."

I know she didn't really like the guy that much, but maybe she'd still agree to help me, nobody deserves to die like this. "You know Robin, right? Let's just say he was murdered and I could use some help."

"The chef guy? I ain't that good at being a detective or anything like that Charlie, that's why I stopped a while ago...but anything for a friend I guess." She replied.

I waited for almost an hour before Stella finally arrived at my home (she was supposed to be here twenty minutes ago, but unfortunately for me, she's always late.) "First off Charlie, do you have any suspects yet, or maybe any clues?"

I nodded and explained to her, "Well I kind of have a feeling that Jackson possibly killed the poor Chef, you know how he always acted towards Robin..."

I was sitting at one of the tables in the restaurant while waiting for Jackson and Stella to get back, they went towards the back of the restaurant and haven't come back yet. I kind of have a little feeling where one of them might be though.

Five minutes passed and I was getting ready to get up and look for them, though there was an angry male voice that sounded like it was echoing through the halls. "No, you listen here old man! Give me that discount right now, I've asked ten times already."

Jackson might have anger issues from time to time with small things, though I've never really known what to do. A female voice that also seemed angry started to speak, "No, he's going to give me my discount! Do it now."

I sighed a little annoyed and got out of my seat, Robin was really sweet and I decided to go help him. This was like the fourth time this week that this has happened.

The two of us had been looking for all of the clues and anything that would lead to more suspects, and boy did we find a lot over the last few hours. "Wow, that was exhausting..." Stella mumbled.

"I knew it..."

Stella turned to look at me a bit confused while she was drinking some orange juice from being so thirsty. "You knew what?" she asked while taking another sip.

"I...didn't really want to believe it and I was planning on asking him for help later with this...though all the things we gathered up points to Jackson..."

Stella was in the middle of drinking the orange juice when she heard what I said and then spat the juice all over my couch. She coughed a small bit and then spoke, "Wait what? Oh dear, this seems a bit interesting..."

Stella got off of the couch and then told me, "You have fun with getting him or whatever...I have to do some other stuff." She walked through the back door and left, I swear she had a large smirk though for some reason.

"Come on you two, why are you acting like this? he isn't accepting any of your stuff because it's too late now, maybe you should apologize to him..." I suggested.

Jackson didn't do anything except look angry, Stella was the first to speak, "Come on Charlie, we have a lot of them and if he accepts it, we could come here a lot of times for free food."

"Stop calling her Charlie, she doesn't like that..." Jackson mumbled as he looked down at the ground.

Stella rolled her eyes and then spoke, "Come on I can call her whatever I want, we're all friends, aren't we?"

It took me about fifteen minutes to get to Jackson's place which he was luckily still at and watching Tv, then another fifteen minutes for the cops to get there while I managed to keep him there.

I never explained anything when I arrived, he'd probably just try to escape which would make it harder if I did end up doing that. All he ever said when he saw me at the door was, "Oh hey Charlotte...you wanna come inside and watch a movie with me?"

The explaining didn't come into it until the cops finally arrived to arrest him. I watched as what seemed to be about four of five cops came inside, grabbed Jackson and handcuffed him, then started taking him out to the car.

"Charlotte, what in the world is going on?! Tell them to stop doing this or something!"

I walked over to Jackson and the cops, who were about to put him in the back of the car. "I was with Stella for the whole day who was helping me, everything we found pointed back to you Jackson...you shouldn't have killed Robin just because you didn't like him."

He seemed a little shocked and then spoke as the cops finally started to put him in the car, "oh really? Don't you remember Charlotte, all the clues and whatever else you got didn't just point to me..."

"What do you mean...?"

He chuckled lightly and then said, "Another one of your friends did all that stuff as well, remember? It wasn't-" the cops slammed the door in front of him, I watched as the car drove away with Jackson in it.

I tried to remember the times at the restaurant, I always remembered Jackson being the only one to be so rude to Robin over a small simple thing. Though then I finally remembered.

Stella had always been there with the two of us as well, she was always acting that towards Robin as well, though I think a bit worse. Why couldn't I remember?

I...was wrong. I blamed Jackson and now he's heading to jail, it wasn't ever him in the first place. It was Stella. She was the one who killed poor Robin.

December 13, 2020 20:30

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223 comments

B. W.
20:31 Dec 13, 2020

I did this story with Haripriya Anand, she did the first part of this so you should check her out.

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Raquel Rodriguez
02:44 Dec 14, 2020

Hey Bee! Sorry for commenting so late, I was washing my hair. Anyway, great job! I kind of did suspect the plot twist at the end, I was hesitating between Jackson and Stella. Although I don't really see a motive for Stella to kill Robin in the first place, it was a good plot twist. So, I feel like the times and tenses (idk what they're called lol) sometimes shifted. Sometimes the story is in present-tense and sometimes it's in past-tense. I struggle with this as well, and I'm learning. This is really great! :)

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B. W.
02:51 Dec 14, 2020

thanks, im glad ya liked it ^^ Both Stella and Jackson don't really like Robin, though Stella hated him much more and wanted to kill him. did ya have a favorite part or anything like that?

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Raquel Rodriguez
03:09 Dec 14, 2020

Why did Stella want to kill him though? I mean, just because she hates someone doesn't mean she has to kill them, right? My favorite part was when Jackson was telling Charlotte that she was wrong about him. :)

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B. W.
03:10 Dec 14, 2020

ya want all of the reasons or something

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Raquel Rodriguez
03:29 Dec 14, 2020

Nah, just one important one. Also, I saw the spam with Sera Phine and Riley, since I was trying to upvote Abby. I think I did, and I hope the downvoter stops. Anyway, I noticed that both of these Reeders said ''thank you' almost all the time when you replied to their annoying spam. I think you should follow Orenda's advice and just don't bother to reply. They'll learn eventually, they're probably just immature.

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B. W.
03:37 Dec 14, 2020

I'm pretty sure Sera and Riley, along with some other ones are the same person with a lot of different accounts

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Hello B!! I am so happy you used some of the details I added in the 1st pat I created! (The chef part was just a quick idea I got, so yeah...) but in general, I loved the way you ended it! Now the readers can have a smooth ending!! Loved it a lot B! P.S. Thanks for including my down below! :)

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B. W.
21:44 Dec 13, 2020

No problem, and im glad that ya liked it and all that ^^ did you maybe have a favorite part for it or anything like that?

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Well, since I already knew what was going to happen, the last plot twist wasn't really that "oh my gosh!!" moment, but I loved the way you did the second part! It was awesome!

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B. W.
22:15 Dec 13, 2020

ya didn't really know that i was gonna do flashbacks and stuff though

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That is kind of true...I forgot to mention that. But, I loved it though. Just simply awesome.

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B. W.
22:21 Dec 13, 2020

thanks ^^

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✨Abby ✨
21:25 Dec 13, 2020

Great story! Loved the ending!

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B. W.
21:41 Dec 13, 2020

did ya have a favorite part or anything like that? or was it the ending?

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✨Abby ✨
21:47 Dec 13, 2020

The ending was my favorite

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B. W.
22:17 Dec 13, 2020

what do ya need help with?

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✨Abby ✨
22:24 Dec 13, 2020

Are you downvoting me?

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B. W.
00:47 Dec 14, 2020

what? why do you think im downvoting you??

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✨Abby ✨
21:52 Dec 13, 2020

Okay, can you help with something?

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✨Abby ✨
04:27 Dec 14, 2020

New thread?

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21:26 Dec 13, 2020

You asked for some feedback so here it is: Love the ending! Stella killed Robin... wasn't suspecting that, but I bet that if I reread, I'll find hints pointing to her, like little things she did that were signs of guilty-ness. Is that a word? It is now. :) Accusing Jackson: I would have done a similar thing, especially seeing how the clues point to him, but again, they also will likely point to Stella if I read this twice. Overall: not confusing, boring, or drawn-out at all, and not too short either. Good plot, and a good plot twist. G...

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B. W.
21:43 Dec 13, 2020

Thanks, im glad that ya liked it and all that ^^ did you maybe have a favorite part or character? anything like that

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21:45 Dec 13, 2020

I like the ending. It's great!

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B. W.
21:45 Dec 13, 2020

anything else ya gotta say?

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21:47 Dec 13, 2020

I guess I want a continuation, if you want to write one...

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B. W.
22:15 Dec 13, 2020

eh, there wont be any other parts to this. and sure, ill check it out ^^

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21:47 Dec 13, 2020

Oh, and, could you leave some feedback on my new story "John's tale: a poetry-verse story"? That would be great :)

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Jubilee Forbess
21:06 Dec 13, 2020

Plot twist! Neat!

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B. W.
21:40 Dec 13, 2020

thanks ^^ did ya have a favorite part or anything like that?

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Jubilee Forbess
01:00 Dec 14, 2020

Yeah, I liked the plot twist at the end XD

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B. W.
01:01 Dec 14, 2020

thanks ^^ i kinda got a new idea for a novel, could i tell you?

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Jubilee Forbess
01:18 Dec 14, 2020

Sure! Have you finished your other ones?

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B. W.
01:24 Dec 14, 2020

Not really, im just gonna switch through all of them from time to time. The idea is that the main character likes video games and one day while their playing the games, they get sucked into the game with the video game characters or the game characters get into the world with the main character, they'd have to try and get back while other stuff happens as well.

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✨Abby ✨
06:28 Dec 17, 2020

Heyyyyyy (again). I'm bored (again). Whatcha doing?

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B. W.
06:42 Dec 17, 2020

I'm working on my novel, im on chapter 4 at the moment

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✨Abby ✨
17:24 Dec 17, 2020

Oooh fun. How many chapters will there be ?

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B. W.
17:26 Dec 17, 2020

I'm not sure, maybe 30 chapters or more

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✨Abby ✨
17:27 Dec 17, 2020

Cool! If you publish let me know!

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B. W.
17:38 Dec 17, 2020

itll take a long time to even finish it though

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✨Abby ✨
17:34 Dec 17, 2020

I will get a copy for sure if ya do

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B. W.
17:41 Dec 17, 2020

really?

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Laiba M
22:37 Dec 14, 2020

Ri! Did you see Vayd's account??

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B. W.
22:43 Dec 14, 2020

yeah, i did...

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Laiba M
22:44 Dec 14, 2020

I can't believe it, we were just having a really fun conversation. I didn't even realize how hurt he was, I feel horrible.

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B. W.
22:45 Dec 14, 2020

its not your fault with anything, i feel like its mine

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Laiba M
22:46 Dec 14, 2020

What?? How come? He already said the reason in his bio, it's that an author was bullied off the platform, and he couldn't stay on Reedsy either knowing that. It's not your fault at all! I just feel horrible because I didn't notice how he felt.

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B. W.
22:50 Dec 14, 2020

The person who got bullied off the platform was someone I sort of knew, I think I told you about that one comment along with some other friends where they were being rude about stuff and towards me and all that, I don't wanna fully explain it. Though because I was being an idiot and being stupid, I told some friends to help me with them and he was probably gonna delete the comment anyway like he already did, but again I'm just an idiot and I keep doing a lot of things. Though because of that, I'm pretty sure a lot of others found out about i...

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Can I see one of ur novels?

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B. W.
18:53 Dec 14, 2020

none of em are finished yet

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B. W.
18:54 Dec 14, 2020

im working on like 9

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B. W.
18:57 Dec 14, 2020

I have no clue

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Clover Q
13:53 Jan 03, 2021

Great story! Loved the part where Charlotte noticed Stella smiling, it made me gasp and I said out loud "It's Stella!" I liked the use of the flashbacks, I feel like subtly showing that she didn't like Robin worked better than flat out saying she hated him, but I feel like the chuckle from Jackson at the end was out of character for him? I got the impression that he and Charlotte were good friends, and I don't know that he would seem calm about being arrested, especially as before he stormed off when she accused him? Overall, I really liked ...

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B. W.
19:01 Jan 03, 2021

That's the thing i was kind of wanting to fix, in her part of the story I found it weird that after she remembered that Jackson hated the old man that she immediately gets up and goes like "It was you, you killed Robin! there can't be anyone else!" though her part was still really good. He was just sort of calm because ill say this, he knew that she'd probably find out who the real one was at some point and then try to get him out. I DO have a lot of other stories after this one that you could read and leave some feedback on?

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Clover Q
15:12 Jan 17, 2021

Sorry for the late reply - of course I'll read your other stories when I have some spare time!:)

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B. W.
18:51 Jan 17, 2021

Why did you say so many of these though?

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Clover Q
15:12 Jan 17, 2021

Sorry for the late reply - of course I'll read your other stories when I have some spare time!:)

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Clover Q
15:12 Jan 17, 2021

Sorry for the late reply - of course I'll read your other stories when I have some spare time!:)

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YOU are fine STELLA WHy?

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B. W.
18:45 Dec 14, 2020

what do you mean?

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You and your story’s are fine! Also, plot twist. Stella, I am SHOCC

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B. W.
18:50 Dec 14, 2020

i mean, did you see the prompt I was writing for

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B. W.
18:53 Dec 14, 2020

oh

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Wirda Bibi
12:41 Dec 18, 2020

It is good and i liked the whole story with both parts :) you guys literally worked hard on them. Its FANTASTIC :)

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B. W.
16:38 Dec 18, 2020

thanks ^^ did ya have a favorite part or something?

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Wirda Bibi
18:31 Dec 18, 2020

well.. it was a bit shocking when i read that stella was the one who murdered and Jackson was innocent. By the way i liked the character Charlotte.

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B. W.
18:51 Dec 18, 2020

don't ya see the prompt I was using for the story though?

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Wirda Bibi
21:03 Dec 18, 2020

oh yeah i saw it and you used it fantastically.... yeah! you use the prompt correctly and it is bravo.

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B. W.
21:23 Dec 18, 2020

what do ya think of the new prompts?

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Kate Ulrich
13:49 Dec 17, 2020

Hey again! You did a good job with this story, B. For feedback, I guess you could have shown a little more of what Charlotte and Stella did to investigate, but that's about it. My favorite part was the plot twist at the end.

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B. W.
16:44 Dec 17, 2020

thanks ^^ did ya maybe have a favorite part or anything like that?

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Kate Ulrich
12:57 Dec 18, 2020

It was the ending.

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B. W.
16:39 Dec 18, 2020

thank you

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02:05 Dec 17, 2020

dat plot twist though 😦😦🤯

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B. W.
02:19 Dec 17, 2020

thanks ^^

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