Shopping For Jesus

“Shalla-bakka-laba-kalla-bekka-lala-do. With the power of the lord, Jesus Christ, I relay his message of hope, love, and prosperity to you all here tonight. Praise the Lord!”

“Why are we here, Granddad?”

“Considering where we are, Tommo; that’s a bit of an existential question, ain’t it?”

“No, why are we here at a tv evangelist’s… whatever this is?”

“…He is here with you tonight and has a special message that he wants to pass on. His arms are open wide to welcome you into the bosom of paradise.”

“This, is called a revival meeting, Tommo. And him up there, is wot’s called a Televangelist. They use the power of the religious medium to spread the word of God.”

“But you’re not religious.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Then, why have you dragged me here on Halloween?”

“I won a call-in to our local radio station giving away two free tickets.”

“That still doesn’t explain why we’re here – on Halloween.”

“They must have thought that tonight of all nights, the dark side would be more enticing than bible class, so needed to provide other incentives instead of sweets for people to come. The free tickets include a goodie bag for attending. Free keyrings, squidgy balls, pens, and a cap.”

“Do you need those things, Granddad?”

“They’re free, Tommo.”

“Right. I forgot about your passion for a bargain. Little do these people here know that your thriftiness outweighs the passion for Christ they all seem to be here for. So, where are these bags, then?”

“You get one on the way out.”

“…He died for all of our sins, ladies and gentlemen. But there are those that doubt his sacrifice and to them I say that the only one that can take our punishment, is someone who is perfect, and Jesus Christ, being the perfect Son of God, took the sinner’s place and died as our substitute.”

“What’s he on about, Granddad?”

“Football, I think.”

“Football?”

“Yeah, it’s about some super-sub coming on and havin’ a nightmare of a game.”

“You’re being flippant, aren’t you.”

“Have you known me to be anything otherwise?”

“Look, can’t we just leave now and grab the goodie bags on the way out?”

“I asked them that, meself – on the way in.”

“And?”

“They’re not available until after the show.”

“Well, you’ve certainly hit that nail on the head.”

“What-zat?”

“This is all show. It’s got nothing to do with religion.”

“You’re right about that, me ol’ son.”

“…I faithfully proclaim, oh Jesus, that through the unsearchable riches of Christ, you will here tonight, make all of us sinners become aware of our sins. Then, through your unquestionable love, you will correct our sins with compassion, and encourage us with hope, and bless us with the fortitude to never lose hope, and belief that we are beyond redemption.”

“I still don’t get it. Why do you want to stay?”

“It’s what they’ve advertised as the main event that got me interested.”

“Main event, Granddad? This ain’t no WWE contest. What’s their main event?”

“See that white-haired bloke up there on stage, wearing the white suit, like he’s some sort of fucking angel?”

“The one with the bouffant-style hairdo that looks like it took a whole can of hairspray to keep it in place?”

“Yeah, this long-winded south of Tennessee accent geezer is the ringmaster of this circus, an’ he reckons that he’s got a telephone that can call the dead. I hope it’s a local number, coz he’s come all the way over from America on tour.”

“Oh no, Granddad. Not that again. I thought you were over all that clairvoyant stuff.”

“I am, Tommo. I realise that they’re all fake, and this is nothin’ to do with mediums and clairvoyants. This is billed as a direct line to heaven.”

“You spent a fortune on those dial-in, penny-come-quick frauds.”

“Yeah, but I learned a few things.”

“And what was that?”

“I learned to not give my bank details away to a stranger on the phone.”

“Oh, Granddad, you didn’t.”

“Course I fuckin’ didn’t, you pillock. Unlike you, I wasn’t born yesterday. I wasn’t the one that lost a tenner on that stupid pub trick.”

“Well, I didn’t think you could drink a drink without touching the glass, and I was right. I won the bet.”

“You won a pound.”

“Yeah, so?”

“Who bought the fancy cocktail?”

“Oh…”

“You never had any street smarts in you, did-ja. You’re too nice, Tommo. Just learn to say, No.”

“Like I should have when you asked me to come here with you?”

“But then you wouldn’t have gotten to hear people talk to the dead.”

“I thought people like him had a direct line already. He mentioned that God talks to him, so why the telephone?”

“Supposedly, this telephone is for his followers to catch up with family and friends.”

“So, do you think that Barry up there, can call the dead?”

“I dunno. I think the idea is for them to call here.”

“But what if they don’t have phones in, you know, up there?”

“Judging by the colour of the phone, he might be in for a surprise to hear who’s on the other end.”

“It’s red.”

“Yeah, and what does red signify?”

“Oh, yeah.”

“I still wonder how you ever got a teaching degree.”

“How do the dead know what number to call?”

“He’s probably passed on that info during his conversation with God.”

“Maybe he texted it?”

“Maybe, God contacted an Indian call centre in Mumbai and asked them for the number.”

“Was that supposed to be funny?”

“Fuckin’ hate those calls right as you sit down to dinner. Did you know your computer is infected with a virus? Are you looking for a website for your business?”

“You can block them on your mobile.”

“Then I wouldn’t have so much fun swearing at them at the top of my voice. That’s my version of call blocking. The same number never calls back after that.”

“That’s because they just lease a number for a short period, so you can’t backtrace the call.”

“…And the Lord says that give unto me and I will give unto you ten-fold. Believe in me and I will be by your side through eternity. Are you ready to surrender yourself to God?”

“Oh, here it comes.”

“What’s coming?”

“This is where he asks us are we ready to receive the Lord. But In order to receive, you must first give.”

“…In order to receive, first, you must give.”

“How did you know?

“YouTube, Tommo. He’s all over it. Oh, look. Right on cue, the beggars brigade have turned up at the end of every aisle passing donation trays along.”

“Wot, they want us to pay? I thought you said these were free tickets.”

“Nothin’s free in life, Tommo.”

“Then, why did we still come here?”

“Follow my lead, alright? Stick one hand in your pocket, then pass the collection tray on to the next sucker. Whatever you do, do not give them any… Wot are you doing?”

“I feel obligated, Granddad. Like when they do free wine tasting at the off license. It’s the guilt. You can’t just taste their wine for free all afternoon and not buy any.”

“Wine and religion. I might have well known.”

“Known what, Granddad?”

“They go hand-in-hand with guilt. Course, what you just contributed won’t even buy a pint of beer.”

“It’s the gesture that counts.”

“Yeah, well they won’t be countin’ your measly gesture now, will they. He’ll probably stick it in his kid’s diamond-encrusted piggy bank.”

“So, how much do all these other people put in, then?”

“Must be quite a bit, coz I read somewhere that he rakes in over a hundred mil a year. Sorry, that will be one hundred mil plus your two pounds fifty. How’s it feel when the rich rob the poor?”

“You mean like Robin Hood?”

“Other way round, you plonker. Robin Hood stole from the rich. I meant, more like Monty Python’s Dennis Moore.”

“Stupid bitch!”

“Oy, show some respect.”

“No, sorry, Granddad. It was in the song,

Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore

Riding through the land

Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore

Without a merry band

He steals from the poor and gives to the rich

Stupid bitch…”

“Oh yeah, I forgot that song. A bit like the stupid song ol’ Barry up there is orchestrating right now.”

“…There’s only one name, ladies and gentlemen. Only one name… Just one name. When the name is mentioned, miracles happen. When the name is mentioned, angels bow. When the name of Jesus is mentioned…”

“Jesus, get on wif it. The pub closes soon.”

“Granddad!”

“…The holy ghost shows up. He honours only one name. Just one name. There’s only one name.”

“Wot’s he fuckin’ whisperin’ for? Don’t he know there’s people with hearing aids in the back row that can only hear hissing sounds? I suppose he’ll be healing them later in the anointing.”

“Just turn yours up, Granddad.”

“If he bores me to any more tears, I’ll turn them off, is what I’ll do.”

“…Only one precious name. Lift your hands to him. Forget yourself now. Just remember Jesus.”

“He’s gonna make me say it again, if he don’t hurry up.”

“I think he’s working toward dramatic effect, Granddad.”

“He’s working towards a big hook pulling him offstage. NEXT!”

“Shush, Granddad. He’s staring at you now.”

“…There is something. His master. His saviour… Jesus.”

“Jesus Christ is right.”

“Look, let’s leave now, Granddad.”

“Can’t Tommo. I think they’ve locked us in.”

“…He’s the one you need tonight, ladies and gentlemen. Lift your hands up and your eyes closed and forget your troubles. You’re all I need, you’re all I need. Lift your voices to him. You’re all I need. Kirri kirri montula.”

“He’s making up words again, Tommo.”

“It’s called speaking in tongues, Granddad.”

“I can fuckin’ do that. Open the Rory, so we can leave by the apples, ya wally woofta!”

“That’s not speaking in tongues. That’s Cockney rhyme and slang.”

“Maybe he should learn it. He might make more sense.”

“I need to take a leak.”

It’s a bloody pint is wot I need right now, Tommo.”

“I hear you, I hear you.”

“Who, Jesus? Or the shower singer up there?”

“No, you, Granddad. I’m with you, okay?”

“And not Jesus? Heh heh. Oh, here we go. The main event approaches.”

“..God wants you all to listen for a few minutes. He has spoken to me and granted permission for some of you here tonight to speak with those that have already passed into the kingdom of heaven. Turn your attention to the big screen behind me. There, you will see a phone number. That number – God tells me – is the phone number to heaven. If any of you would like to speak to a loved one that has gone before you, raise your arms into the air, close your eyes, and recite that number to yourself.”

“How are they gonna memorise it with their eyes closed, Tommo? I’m putting it into my phone.”

“Really, Granddad?”

“You never know when you might need it.”

“…That’s it, Ladies and gentlemen. Whisper that number to the spirits of your loved ones, because they can hear you. What’s that, Lord? Ha ha, that’s very amusing. He says that so many are lining up to connect with you, that Jesus himself has had to take a number.”

“No nepotism there, as usual. First, he leaves him on the cross to die without intervening. Now, he tells him to get in line to talk with us, like he’s nothing special.”

“Granddad!”

“What?”

“The phone’s ringing!”

“Bloody hell, that was quick.”

“…Hello? Yes, yes, I see. Yes, I’ll try. We weren’t expecting any calls before the anointing... Very well. Please hold… Ladies and gentlemen, it seems that someone in God’s kingdom couldn’t wait, and has jumped the waiting list and called us before we were fully set up to receive. They have asked for someone in particular. I do hope they are in the arena with us tonight. Is there a Reginald Harris in the audience…?”

“What a coincidence, Granddad. There’s someone else here with the same name as you.”

“…What’s that? Oh yes, I’ll try that one. I’ve been informed ladies and gentlemen that he prefers to be called Reggie Harris. Reggie, are you here?”

“Granddad… Granddad, where’ve you gone?”

“…Yes! There he is ladies and gentlemen. Ascending the stairway to talk to heaven. Our very first contact with those on the other side. That’s it, Reggie. Here, take God’s phone.”

“But then, wot’s he gonna use…?”

“Sorry!?”

“Only kidding, Barry.”

“Answer your call, Reggie.”

“Yep. Will do. Thanks, Barry. Allo…? Yes, it’s me. Yes, I miss you too, sweetheart, but we’ll be together again sooner than you think. What’s that? Okay, hang on a minute. Tommo! I need you up here. That’s me grandson, Barry.”

“…Yes! Yes! Let him up. Come on, Tommo! God is calling. Praise the lord!”

“Tommo, I need a pen.”

“Don’t have one, Granddad.”

“It’s your Nan. She needs me to write this down.”

“Is that your dear wife, Reggie?”

“It is, Barry.”

“Tommo’s grandmother?”

“Very astute of you, Barry.”

“…Ladies and gentlemen, praise the Lord. This man’s wife and this young man’s grandmother has called through with a message to pass on. Please, go ahead, Reggie.”

“I need to write this down. You know what I’m like with lists, Tommo.”

“I can write it into my phone, Granddad.”

“Yeah, that will do. Go ahead, Dee. Tommo is writing it down for me.”

“…Praise the Lord, ladies and gentlemen. This is beyond my wildest expectations. We are witnessing heavenly history here tonight.”

“Okay, Tommo. I need you to write this down… Bread.”

“…Bread, ladies and gentlemen. God’s favourite food!”

“You got that, Tommo?”

“Yes, Granddad.”

“Good. Also, some water.”

“…Water into wine, ladies and gentlemen! From the gospel according to John, Jesus said, if you are thirsty, come to me and drink!”

“What’s that, Dee? Yeah, I got it. Tommo, write down a nice bit of cod from the chippy.”

“…The power of Jesus will turn that fish into a feast to feed all of heaven’s children!”

“Butter, jam, and tea bags too, Tommo.”

“Right. Butter, jam…”

“Tea bags.”

“I’ve got it, Granddad.”

“Good lad, Tommo.”

“…Butter, jam, and tea, Reggie? What heavenly significance are those?”

“It’s her shopping list, Barry.”

“…A shopping list, ladies and gentlemen! How glorious to know that heaven still needs to shop for groceries. Praise the Lord.”

“Anything else, Dee? Nope, we’ll get on it right away. No, we won’t dilly-dally or stop at the pub first. Yep, Tesco’s will still be open. Goodbye, Dee. See you soon. What? Yes, I’ll tell Tommo that you love him.”

“…Praise the Lord, ladies and gentlemen. God indeed moves in mysterious ways. He has sent an angel of the Lord to call in a shopping list for the kingdom of heaven.”

“Sorry, Barry. We’re on bit of a mission.”

“…You are, indeed, Reggie and Tommo. A heavenly mission.”

“So, we need to, you know.”

“Yes yes, of course. Open these blessed doors and send Reggie and his grandson off on their mission for God.”

“For the missus, Barry. It’s for the missus.”

“Who is by God’s side. Praise the Lord… Join me ladies and gentlemen in singing the chorus from Alejuah, as our blessed brethren Reggie and Tommo go to shop for heaven and Tommo’s nan… Alejuah, Alejuha, Alejuah, Allay-oo-oo-oo-oo-oohjah. Farewell God’s Ubermen to heavenly destinations. Go in peace. Alejuah, Alejuah…”

“Granddad, was that really my nan?”

“It most definitely was, Tommo.”

“But she’s not dead. She’s…”

“Waiting for us to bring home her snacks, so get through this doorway before anyone overhears this conversation.”

“...There they go, ladies and gentlemen on their heavenly quest. Now, close those doors, for the Anointing of Faith is about to begin. Hold all calls for now, because heaven can wait. We have people to heal down here on Earth.”

“How did Nan get that number?”

“I texted it to her, Tommo.”

“You what!?”

“That phone was never gonna ring, unless it was someone in the back office pretending to be in heaven. I’d had enough of him and needed an excuse to leave early, so I texted your nan to call me with her shopping list.”

“Oh, Granddad. Aren’t you worried you might go to hell for that little stunt?”

“Nah, Tommo. Didn’t you hear him in there? I’m shopping for Jesus, so they’re gonna welcome me with open arms when I bring them some chocolate digestives and a cup of Rosey Lea. Come on, we might just have enough time for a quick pint. Go grab a couple of those goodie bags over there, will ya…?”