“Oh, London is man’s town, there’s power in the air
And Paris is a woman’s town, with flowers in her hair.”
The man silently repeating the words to Henry Van Dyke’s ode to the comforts of home watched the Moscow skyline blur past from the backseat of the Volvo he was riding in. He didn’t even know the rest of the poem. Instead, he liked to conclude it with a stanza he had written himself: “And Moscow is killer’s town, where everything is fair.”
The man twisting the Van Dyke poem had not been born a poet. He hadn’t been born a killer. Born in Cheremoshnoye, a tiny rural village located in southern Russia, Aleksandr Volkov’s parents had raised him to be a God-fearing, patriotic Russian. They went to weekly service at their local orthodox church and made their money selling crops from their moderately-sized farm. And then, when Aleksandr was twelve-years-old, disaster struck. His parents were killed when a drunk driver swerved into oncoming traffic, leaving a young boy parentless.
……….
The mobile phone charging on the bedside table vibrated. The young woman napping underneath the thin flower throw blanket stirred, then reached over and snagged the phone.
“Hello, this is Kat.”
Katya Lebedeva was an award-winning journalist, known around the country for her propensity to break stories related to corruption within the oligarchy of Russia. In a country where freedom of the press is often under brutal attack from the government, she was a rarity. Armed with stunning good looks and a relentless style of journalism, she was a force to be reckoned with within the Russian power structure. Of course, that also made her a target.
“Kat, good to hear your voice,” said the heavily-accented male voice on the other line. “Are we still on for tonight?”
“Da. Dinner in an hour?”
“Of course,” he laughed nervously. “And I’m sure you will be interested in the information I have. Maybe over a vodka at my place?”
“Not over the phone. Talk later.”
“Of course, of course. Excuse my carelessness. Just wanted to confirm. See you in one hour.”
Katya hung up and then fell back on to the flowered sheets covering the bed in her drab hotel room. The light cast from the tall lamp in the corner of the room was dim and depressing, adding to her general exhaustion.
At only twenty-seven, she was one of the most well-known members of the media. But it came with an immense cost. In a non-stop quest for the next story, she constantly moved around, living out of her suitcase in hotels around the country. At the moment, she was in Moscow after staying in St. Petersburg for a month. Before that, it had been Volgograd, and before that, it had been Omsk.
She stood up and wandered over to the window. The sky was grey and the rain was coming down in sheets, covering the city’s famed onion domes in a continual stream of water. As she started down into the soaked streets, she asked herself—once again—why she was doing it. Sure, she was well-known and well-off, but she often battled intense loneliness. Her parents—loyal citizens to “Mother Russia,”—had disowned her not long after she began her career. She didn’t have friends and she certainly didn’t have a boyfriend.
The constant target on her back was a weight she could never quite shake. She loved the thrill of breaking a story and watching the dominoes fall, but when she laid her head down on her pillow at night she hated the feeling that at any moment the door might break down and she might receive a bullet to the skull—or worse, a trip to Lubyanka.
She pushed aside the thoughts of self-pity, stepped away from the window, and began to pick through her suitcase in search of an outfit. Back to the grind.
……….
Aleksandr remembered receiving the news that his parents had been killed like it was yesterday. The partly-cloudy sky. Soft grass beneath his feet. The kids engaged in a soccer match running up and down the field.
He will never forget the look on the neighbor that lived across the street as he sprinted across the field to deliver the life-changing news.
He soon moved to Moscow to live with his aristocratic uncle and aunt. The experience had been short-lived and they soon shipped the stubborn teenager to boarding school. While he resented his uncle and aunt on a personal level, he was not above using their name to his advantage. Soon, he was friends with the children of some of the most influential families in Russia.
They partied, they made their rounds with the women, and began to dabble in drugs. Remarkably, the farm boy from rural southern Russia found himself entangled in the Russian Mafia.
“Volkov, look alive!” Snapped the driver of the Volvo. The windshield wipers were flying back and forth, trying their best to beat back the rainstorm.
“Yes, sir,” Aleksandr responded, fiddling with his seatbelt.
“Let’s go over the plan one more time,” the muscular man in the passenger seat said. He turned in his seat to look Aleksandr in the eye. “Give it to me, Volkov.”
“So, the plan is for us to wait outside the restaurant until the woman and Peter come out,” Aleksandr gestured to the man in the backseat next to him. Peter was good-looking, tall and slender with a trendy business suit. “They will exit the building and Peter will lead the woman to the alley where the car will be parked. When he opens the passenger door for her, that’s when I move in.”
“Where’s your weapon?” Asked the driver.
Aleksandr patted the shoulder holster concealed underneath his dark blue windbreaker. He was packing a Russian-made PSS-2 handgun, one of the most silent firearms ever created. The PSS-2, or Vul as it is known, had been developed by the KBG in the 1980s for missions in which the utmost silence is required. Thanks to an internal piston, the weapon is almost completely silent and releases no smoke.
……….
After ten minutes of standing outside her hotel in the rain, Katya was finally able to wave down a taxi to take her to the restaurant. Collapsing her umbrella, she slid into the backseat and told her driver the name of the establishment.
Dressed in high-heels and a red dress, Katya sat silently as the cab made its way through the rain-slicked streets of the Russian capital. This was certainly not her first meeting with Peter. She found him charming, friendly, and—most importantly—an excellent source with contacts in high places. Even so, this was business. The greatest asset in any conversation or interview was always preparedness and knowledge. She refused to ever let her guard down…as much as she sometimes wanted to.
……….
Aleksandr was soaking wet. He had been “hiding out” in the alley where Peter’s car was parked for almost thirty minutes, waiting for him and the woman to come out.
The wet brick walls and a stray cat were his only companions as he waited for the moment. Sitting next to a dumpster, he tried to steady himself. He was alone now, this was his job…and he was scared.
He had been a member of the Russian Mafia for years, but his involvement mostly involved smuggling and trading illegal drugs. He had been in a few scrapes, but never anything like this. His job was to…murder someone.
“Oh, London is a man’s town, there’s power in the air,
And Paris is a woman’s town, with flowers in her hair.”
Aleksandr waited, continually repeating the altered stanza to himself.
“And Moscow is a killer’s town, where everything is fair.”
A rat ran past his feet in search of a meal. He watched with interest as the creature scurried about, collecting the refuse generated by the restaurant. A bread crumb here, a piece of chicken breast there. Survival, by any means necessary, was the rat’s sole goal in life.
Suddenly, there was a double click in his earpiece, the sign that Peter and the woman were exiting the restaurant. Aleksandr’s heart began to pound as his mind left the rat and returned to the mission at hand.
I don’t even know who this woman is. Aleksandr thought. Can I do this?
He didn’t have a choice. Steady yourself, Aleks. Everything is fair in Moscow.
He wondered what his parents would think about him now. Huddled next to a dumpster, clutching a silenced-pistol, about to do the unthinkable.
Peter and the woman came around the corner. That’s her. Just as beautiful as the photo.
Arm-in-arm the couple walked towards the red BMW Peter and Aleksandr would soon be using as a getaway car.
Peter said something to the woman and they both began to laugh. She wasn’t expecting a thing. She had let her guard down.
They were within twenty feet of the car.
Now, fifteen.
Ten.
Aleksandr rose slowly, tensed and ready to pounce.
Don’t do this! Screamed one side of his brain.
You have no choice! Screamed the other.
Five feet.
Peter reached for the door handle and time seemed to slow to a crawl. Aleksandr’s heart was begging him to drop the gun, while his head pushed him along. He had to do this. Everything is fair.
When Peter opened the passenger door of the BMW, Aleksandr made his move. Pouncing from his spot behind a dumpster, he aimed and fired twice. Click, click. The first shot hit Katya in the shoulder, the force of which threw her body against the car. The second bullet hit dead center in the forehead.
Crimson red blood mixed with the falling rain as the award-winning journalist’s lifeless body hit the pavement. The rat Aleksandr had observed skittered away, fearing for its’ life.
“Get in,” Peter said to Aleksandr. “We have to get moving.”
But Aleksandr was frozen, unable to pull his eyes from the body. He wasn’t panicking as he expected. Instead, there was a strange calmness.
Her blood is the same color as her dress, he thought.
Now in the driver's seat of the BMW, Peter was swearing. “Get in the car, fool!”
Aleksandr shook off the momentary trance and stepped over the body into the BMW. The door slammed shut and they quickly drove away into the storm.
……….
Within hours, the body was found, and the entire street was cordoned off as the police started the search for the killers. Of course, they would never be found. In part, because the police were in the pocket of the Mafia; and in part, because the Mafia was very good at what they did. They left just enough evidence to send a message, but not enough to build any kind of case.
But another murder happened that cold, rainy Moscow night. The murder of Aleksandr’s heart and soul. Everything was fair now, there would be no looking back.
The killer was also the killed, and nobody had seen a thing.
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I really like the opening lines, with Aleksandr quoting poetry and adding his own twist. The way you subtly educated those of us who are unfamiliar with that poem was a nice touch, and it informed the twist a little more when it came.
I also love the last line of the first section, "His parents were killed when a drunk driver swerved into oncoming traffic, leaving a young boy parentless." That's a nice way of phrasing what happened.
One thing that I'd recommend, especially since you are soliciting feedback. Watch out for sentences that end in prepositions, but then also watch out for how you avoid them. For example, your first section has:
"...watched the Moscow skyline blur past from the backseat of the Volvo he was riding in."
A lot of people are tempted to chance that so it ends with:
"...from the backseat of the Volvo in which he rode."
But you've still got a lot of passive verbs going on there. I think this sentence might actually work better of you just end with the word "Volvo;" you've already got a strong verb in "blurred," and if he's in the back seat, then he's certainly riding in it.
I mention this because there are several more passive verbs in your description of Kat. She seems like a very interesting character. The way we meet her could be a little more interesting if the verbs matched the rest of your vocabulary. I liked the little touches, like the mention of the iconic onion domes and her thoughts of "a trip to Lubyanka."
There's a lot going on in the section where we meet Kat. We're "told" a lot, but "shown" a bit less. The second section might be more fun if we got inside her head a little bit, and somehow learned about her past and concerns. Could she look at a family picture that's old, but the most recent she's got? Could she consider calling home but know that it's not worth it? Or maybe she could hear someone in the hall and tell herself that it's not the dreaded "a trip to Lubyanka" this time after the footsteps recede. Just brainstorming off the cuff, but folks like to be "shown" as much as possible.
As the story goes on, your words become more action-oriented, and the story carries out to its conclusion. I would ask a couple things that might help get things moving a little sooner, and foreshadow the actual ending.
1. What could be added to the first section that could foreshadow that Aleksandr was on his way to do something that conflicted him? Right now, we end with a memory of his parents' deaths, and that seems like something that could be tied to what he's about to do in a way that ends the first section with a real bang.
2. Would it be possible to mention the gun that he's holding sooner, too?
3. I'm not sure how I feel about the part where he explains the whole plan to his boss in the mafia. Usually, when a plan is fully detailed in fiction, it's so you know what was supposed to happen when it all goes wrong. Since this plays out pretty much as he describes, that section might be shortened a little and used to develop Aleksandr's reputation within the mafia a little more.
4. If you tie the death of Aleksandr's parents to what he's about to do, then you could come back to that in the third section, and really drive home that he's conflicted about what he's going to do. That way, when he goes through with it, it's the resolution of a conflict that's been going on throughout the story, and we see that he has lost his way from where his parents had intended him to be as an adult.
I like the end, and the characters have me interested. One last thought, if word count would allow, another section from Kat's perspective might help to increase the tension. Does she trust Peter completely? Does she see Aleksandr in the rain? Is there a moment where she could choose to walk away and potentially live, but her journalistic integrity ends up being the thing that puts her in front of those bullets?
The fact that my mind is racing after reading this story, I hope, is a testament to the fact that you've got a really solid storyline here. I like your characters, and the setting that you've created in Russia. There's a statement not just about the boy who joins the Mafia but also the reporter who tries to make a difference in the same society.
I enjoyed reading it, and I hope that the feedback I've provided comes across more as some brainstorming options that might make it even more exciting and compelling.
Thank you for sharing it!
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Thanks so much for your thoughtful comment! Your commentary is very helpful and also has me thinking about how I could have improved the story and what to do better in the future. Any suggestions on literature or other authors that may help me in the plot development area?
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Hi, Antonio! I'm glad that what I wrote came across in the vain I intended. I definitely did not want to be discouraging in any way, and I saw that you are a freelance writer of non-fiction, so I didn't want to give the impression that I was doubting your existing ability.
I've been reading a lot of short stories lately. I mentioned to someone else lately that I heard, years ago, that "the short story has more in common with poetry than it does the novel." Only recently did that statement begin to make sense to me. Reading a bunch of short stories lately has had a lot to do with that understanding.
I would recommend Dan Chaon, who has a couple anthologies (Among the Missing and Stay Awake are both award winning and incredible examples of the modern short story). Lately, I've been taking a look at Stephen King's original anthology, Night Shift. He published most of those stories before Carrie, when nobody knew who he was; they were the stories that paved the way for Carrie, in some ways, and they include the stories that would become Children of the Corn, Cat's Eye, Maximum Overdrive, and Graveyard Shift. It's a heck of a start, and those stories hold up forty years later. Speaking of Stephen King, one of his more recent anthologies, Bazaar of Bad Dreams, kept me going until I got to the end. The man's a publishing god for a reason!
Talk to you soon!
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I love the way I can relate to both characters, or at least empathize with their situation. You do "info-dump" as they call it, putting the character's life story in a paragraph, but usually writers go overboard and put in uneccesary details. I believe you captured both characters life without an overwhelming amount.
Your title is also very clever, and your use of the poem was very artistic. Bravo and Happy Writing!
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Thanks!
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Congratulations on your debut piece. You set the scene in Russia well using subtle details instead of heavy description, which is great. The internal monologue was good. The plot a little pedestrian. I look forward to checking out your next piece, great start.
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Thanks! I’ll work on plot development. Any suggestions or good things to read on the subject.
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Read Ray dyers stories on here. He is one of the best writers on here but noone knows about him. The karma point scheme is a bit of a false flag shows you very little about the writing Calibre. Your style fits with his. I am following him it is very short list so you should be able to find him there
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Thanks!
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You've got a real knack for the internalized thoughts and monologues of your characters, which makes the an interesting read. You do a fantastic job of letting us into the character's lives at the moment, and I think that will be a great strength as you continue to develop your writing.
You also have a great grasp of painting engrossing scenes. From each character's perspective, you can get a real sense of the overall environment, the things that they are paying attention to which are reflective of their mood and their struggles.
I think my only real issue with the story is that it was very straightforward. Killer gets paid to kill. Target gets killed. There's at least one unanswered question that the story might have benefited from answering, even if it was simply money or saving his own skin, and that was what Peter's motivation was to betray Katya. He's a big part of the overall journey of the story, his actions setting this in motion, but he's really kind of ancillary, and I'd kind of like to know at least a little bit about him.
There is one thing that really stood out to me as an exceptional part of the tale, and that is Aleksandr losing his soul in pulling the trigger, that he's crossed a line that's now killed part of himself. It ties nicely back the details you've given of him, and suggest that up until that moment, although doing some highly criminal things, he had a line he wouldn't cross. When he crossed it, he was no longer the same man, and he kind of mourns that loss.
There were a couple of minor grammar things, but the one that kind of tripped the story up for a moment was when she was obviously meant to have stared down into the rain, but instead, she started down into the rain... when she started going through her bags, I was like, "Wait, what? In the rain?" Then I went back up and realized what had happened. (Not really a criticism, it happens to us all at times. More of a humorous aside.)
What I want to say the most though is you're off to a great start! You definitely have great descriptive skills, and those will serve you extremely well. Sometimes fleshing out a plot is the hardest thing. I definitely encourage you to keep writing!
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Thanks for your thoughtful comment! I’ll definitely be working on plot development.
My idea for Peter was he was just another member of the Mafia doing his job. An accessory the the crime.
I’ll definitely keep an eye out for stupid grammatical errors, lol.
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Definitely looking forward to your next story!
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Antonio, I liked the kind of relentless progress the story makes. There are no big twists but it is like watching a wreck progress in slow motion and there's nothing one can do to stop it.
Just enough detail to fill in the blanks and make the characters feel alive.
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Wow you added a mysterious twist to the ending where no one knows what happened. I liked that bit. The beginning starts with a poem, and someone speaking, so I liked that too. Nice!
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I love how the killer being killed meant that he lost his hart when he killed Katya. very poetic and amazing.
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Thanks Emmie!
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:)
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An interesting story. It kept me on the edge of my seat the whole time.
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Thanks!
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