Contest #116 winner 🏆

177 comments

Funny Fiction Contemporary

First and foremost, I just need to assert what was right and what was wrong. I think, before you can apologize for things you’ve done, you need to really isolate and evaluate exactly what you did wrong, and it’s very rare that you, uh, you know, haven’t done anything right in the midst of all you did wrong. So, I would like to assert that, yes, I made mistakes. I made many mistakes. I hurt people. Well, not people, but, you know, living things. I hurt living things and I hurt them by damaging their property and terrorizing them, and for that, I am very sorry, and I stand here, humbly, in front of you today, with my tail between my legs--literally--to say that I do apologize for the wrong I’ve done. Not for the right I’ve done, obviously, because I don’t need to apologize for what I’ve done right, and I have done some things right, but I don’t need to apologize for those things. Just the wrong things.

Uh, but, uh, yeah, the, yeah, the, um--

The straw.

I apologize for the straw. Why you would build a house out of straw in the first place is a mystery to me, but--That’s not my, uh--That’s not the point. The point is, one of you wanted to build a house of straw, and I destroyed that house. I blew it down. Not that it takes much to blow down something made out of straw. A strong wind could have blown it down. A gust. A breeze. You built the house fairly close to the ocean, so I expect there would have been a lot of sea wind coming off the coast, and that leads me to think your house wasn’t long for this world anyway, but sure, yes, I was the one who blew it down, and I have to own that, and so I do. I own it. I own it and I apologize for it. I blew down the house and I was going to eat you, but you ran away. I don’t think I should have to apologize for wanting to eat you, because that’s, you know, my nature, but I get how my nature and your existence don’t jive, and I believe we should all be able to live together peacefully in this world, but I would like to remind you that eating, you know, kale, isn’t really an option for me, and, uh, you know, attempted murder isn’t murder. It’s different. That’s why they have a different sentence for it when you get convicted of it in court. When you do get convicted. Which isn’t often, because it’s so hard to prove. I mean, it’s almost impossible to prove someone’s intent, but, sure, I did attempt something, and for that, I am sorry, because that’s wrong and so is blowing down a flimsy house that was going to come down at any moment anyway because somebody didn’t want to take the time to build their home properly with decent materials.

So. I’m sorry for all that.

Um.

In regards to the sticks, I would like to say that I maintain sticks are only slightly harder to blow down than straw, but there was, yes, an intent there, to blow the house down. And to eat the owner of the house. And to maybe use the sticks to start a fire that I would then roast the owner of the house over while lathering said owner in barbecue sauce. Yes, all of that is true, and none of it is right, and I apologize for all of it. I will say that because I couldn’t catch the owner of the house, nothing happened other than destruction of a fire hazard, but nevertheless, there was destruction. There was trauma. There was hurt. And I have to understand that and make space for it moving forward. That I brought about and manifested hurt in the lives of swine. A fire could have hurt many more people. Not a nice fire that you can control while you cook your dinner, but a real fire that could start at any moment if some pig decided to light a candle in the middle of his twig dwelling, but it’s not about what might have happened, it’s about what did happen, and what happened was I blew the house down. I huffed. I puffed. I got a little winded. I huffed and puffed some more. Down went the house. I own that. I didn’t eat the pig because he ran away, because somehow pigs are terrible at building houses, but they are fantastic at running away from wolves, so that’s fine, he ran, I chased. And, uh, then…

Then I hit a wall.

A brick wall.

We all have to hit that brick wall, don’t we? Finally found a house I couldn’t blow down. But you know what I could blow down?

Myself.

And that’s what I did.

I stood there and with all the breath in my furry body, I blew, and blew, and blew. But I could not blow that house down. And as I sat there, on the grass, the dew still fresh from morning, knowing that breakfast, lunch, and dinner was staring out a window from a brick house, mocking me, taunting me, and jeering at me, I knew I needed to take a good, hard look at my life and make some changes.

That’s why I’m here today--not at the end of my journey towards being a better creature, but somewhere in the middle. I’m asking for forgiveness. For the straw. For the sticks. Not for the brick, because that house was built well and I believe it got sold the following year for double what it cost to erect, and so, good on that pig, because he must have gotten the architecture gene his siblings didn’t. Me, I’m just going around to different wolf packs, talking to the pups about making good decisions.

Mostly I just tell them to stick to chickens.

You tell them the sky is falling, and the next thing you know, they’re walking right into your cave. No houses you need to gather up your breath support for and no riddles like with goats or grandmothers that give you indigestion. Just good, old-fashioned deception.

So you see, I’ve learned.

I’ve come a long, long way.

October 18, 2021 02:56

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177 comments

Phil Manders
16:08 Oct 29, 2021

Great story. Nice to read something that doesn’t have a warning at the beginning. 👏🏼

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Kevin Broccoli
16:15 Oct 29, 2021

Thank you Phil!

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03:34 Nov 19, 2021

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Jefferson Zhu
00:42 Dec 02, 2021

Cool writing

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Deidra Lovegren
16:36 Oct 29, 2021

You aren't wrong, Phil. OMG....

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Fawn Marshall
15:47 Oct 29, 2021

Another fabulous story - you have such amazing talent! Your stories are engaging, and you have a great author voice. I'm so glad you share your work here.

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Deidra Lovegren
16:36 Oct 29, 2021

Totally agree, Fawn.

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Kevin Broccoli
15:57 Oct 29, 2021

Thank you Fawn!

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Deidra Lovegren
16:35 Oct 29, 2021

HIGH TIME for a big win for Mr. Broccoli. Over due, but I'm thrilled regardless. I'm also glad to see comedy selected instead of a story I need counseling after reading. Huzzah Huzzah

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Kevin Broccoli
16:49 Oct 29, 2021

Thank you, Deidra! That means a lot coming from you.

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Deidra Lovegren
17:02 Oct 29, 2021

Come on the podcast sometime? https://www.readlotswritelots.com/wp/

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Kevin Broccoli
17:10 Oct 29, 2021

Sure, would love to!

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Deidra Lovegren
18:21 Oct 29, 2021

lovegren.deidra@gmail.com

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17:37 Oct 29, 2021

Excellent! Well deserved win!

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Kevin Broccoli
17:44 Oct 29, 2021

Thank you Shikhar!

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Logan Yoshimoto
17:23 Oct 29, 2021

I love the tone of the narrator, a kind of "sorry- but in my defense- and then sorry again". It's fun, simple, and well paced. It's got everything a monologue story should have.

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Kevin Broccoli
17:25 Oct 29, 2021

Thank you, Logan, monologues are where I feel my strength is as a playwright, so it's fun to try and use that and expand upon it in prose.

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Nina March
16:54 Oct 29, 2021

This story was so humorous! It was such a fun read! You've put a fresh idea and spin on a well known story yet managed to make it your own! We'll deserved win 👏

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Kevin Broccoli
16:59 Oct 29, 2021

Thank you, Nina. I really loved your last story as well.

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Sally Wirth
16:53 Oct 29, 2021

Great tail, um, tale! Loved the sorry, not sorry!

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Kevin Broccoli
16:58 Oct 29, 2021

Thank you Sally! Glad you enjoyed it.

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04:40 Oct 26, 2021

I got quite the chuckle on your version of this old children’s tale. The line about kale really got me, or the mention about how the brick house sold for double the cost so “good on the pig”. Really enjoyable story, thanks for sharing!

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Kevin Broccoli
16:14 Oct 26, 2021

Thank you, Christopher!

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Jen Cross
17:14 Oct 29, 2021

This was so cleverly written! I really enjoyed how you characterized the wolf.

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Kevin Broccoli
17:21 Oct 29, 2021

Thank you, Jen!

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Tommie Michele
13:32 Oct 29, 2021

Congrats on the win! Well-deserved for sure—I loved your take on the prompt, and your voice comes through clear and consistent in your writing. Writing based off of common fairy tales is hard—I did it once (my story “Mirror, Mirror”) and it is so much harder than it seems, but you pulled it off incredibly well. Nice work! —Tommie Michele

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Kevin Broccoli
15:57 Oct 29, 2021

Thank you so much!

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Michael Regan
18:48 Oct 27, 2021

LOL - I find the wolf 'Not Guilty' of the wilful destruction of property. A great read - well done

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Kevin Broccoli
21:04 Oct 27, 2021

Thank you, Michael.

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15:16 Nov 23, 2021

Wow! So engaging, and the best part was, we all knew who the wolf was and what he had done before the end of the second paragraph. Brought back memories... amazing!

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Kevin Broccoli
17:06 Nov 23, 2021

Thank you Corrina.

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Allie De Ruiter
21:14 Nov 21, 2021

It's so wholesome :)

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Kevin Broccoli
22:36 Nov 21, 2021

Thank you Allie

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Iris Cloudwalker
19:45 Nov 21, 2021

This story is a bit different than others I've read. I really liked it. 👍👍👍

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Kevin Broccoli
21:13 Nov 21, 2021

Thank you Irene.

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Iris Cloudwalker
00:29 Nov 22, 2021

😉

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15:29 Nov 21, 2021

Great story 👏

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Kevin Broccoli
21:13 Nov 21, 2021

Thank you.

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03:40 Nov 19, 2021

I loved this story so much great job

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Kevin Broccoli
17:13 Nov 19, 2021

Thank you very much

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Bri Meng Sauls
03:17 Nov 15, 2021

This had a smile on my face the whole time. New here and this was the first one I got to read. Thanks for the hilarious introduction

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Kevin Broccoli
03:45 Nov 15, 2021

Thank you, Bri.

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Julia Townson
21:53 Nov 14, 2021

Fantastic work!! Can't wait to read more of what you've written.

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Kevin Broccoli
02:14 Nov 15, 2021

Thank you Julia!

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07:14 Nov 11, 2021

i loved the narration, the narrator....so unique...it kept me guessing- a kid, maybe dog, wants to eat the owner...huh maybe a some wild animal...i was happy to meet the wolf.

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Kevin Broccoli
17:45 Nov 11, 2021

Thank you Shrestha

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Delia Tomkus
21:14 Nov 10, 2021

Ok I love this

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