Contest #116 winner 🏆

240 comments

Funny Fiction Contemporary

First and foremost, I just need to assert what was right and what was wrong. I think, before you can apologize for things you’ve done, you need to really isolate and evaluate exactly what you did wrong, and it’s very rare that you, uh, you know, haven’t done anything right in the midst of all you did wrong. So, I would like to assert that, yes, I made mistakes. I made many mistakes. I hurt people. Well, not people, but, you know, living things. I hurt living things and I hurt them by damaging their property and terrorizing them, and for that, I am very sorry, and I stand here, humbly, in front of you today, with my tail between my legs--literally--to say that I do apologize for the wrong I’ve done. Not for the right I’ve done, obviously, because I don’t need to apologize for what I’ve done right, and I have done some things right, but I don’t need to apologize for those things. Just the wrong things.

Uh, but, uh, yeah, the, yeah, the, um--

The straw.

I apologize for the straw. Why you would build a house out of straw in the first place is a mystery to me, but--That’s not my, uh--That’s not the point. The point is, one of you wanted to build a house of straw, and I destroyed that house. I blew it down. Not that it takes much to blow down something made out of straw. A strong wind could have blown it down. A gust. A breeze. You built the house fairly close to the ocean, so I expect there would have been a lot of sea wind coming off the coast, and that leads me to think your house wasn’t long for this world anyway, but sure, yes, I was the one who blew it down, and I have to own that, and so I do. I own it. I own it and I apologize for it. I blew down the house and I was going to eat you, but you ran away. I don’t think I should have to apologize for wanting to eat you, because that’s, you know, my nature, but I get how my nature and your existence don’t jive, and I believe we should all be able to live together peacefully in this world, but I would like to remind you that eating, you know, kale, isn’t really an option for me, and, uh, you know, attempted murder isn’t murder. It’s different. That’s why they have a different sentence for it when you get convicted of it in court. When you do get convicted. Which isn’t often, because it’s so hard to prove. I mean, it’s almost impossible to prove someone’s intent, but, sure, I did attempt something, and for that, I am sorry, because that’s wrong and so is blowing down a flimsy house that was going to come down at any moment anyway because somebody didn’t want to take the time to build their home properly with decent materials.

So. I’m sorry for all that.

Um.

In regards to the sticks, I would like to say that I maintain sticks are only slightly harder to blow down than straw, but there was, yes, an intent there, to blow the house down. And to eat the owner of the house. And to maybe use the sticks to start a fire that I would then roast the owner of the house over while lathering said owner in barbecue sauce. Yes, all of that is true, and none of it is right, and I apologize for all of it. I will say that because I couldn’t catch the owner of the house, nothing happened other than destruction of a fire hazard, but nevertheless, there was destruction. There was trauma. There was hurt. And I have to understand that and make space for it moving forward. That I brought about and manifested hurt in the lives of swine. A fire could have hurt many more people. Not a nice fire that you can control while you cook your dinner, but a real fire that could start at any moment if some pig decided to light a candle in the middle of his twig dwelling, but it’s not about what might have happened, it’s about what did happen, and what happened was I blew the house down. I huffed. I puffed. I got a little winded. I huffed and puffed some more. Down went the house. I own that. I didn’t eat the pig because he ran away, because somehow pigs are terrible at building houses, but they are fantastic at running away from wolves, so that’s fine, he ran, I chased. And, uh, then…

Then I hit a wall.

A brick wall.

We all have to hit that brick wall, don’t we? Finally found a house I couldn’t blow down. But you know what I could blow down?

Myself.

And that’s what I did.

I stood there and with all the breath in my furry body, I blew, and blew, and blew. But I could not blow that house down. And as I sat there, on the grass, the dew still fresh from morning, knowing that breakfast, lunch, and dinner was staring out a window from a brick house, mocking me, taunting me, and jeering at me, I knew I needed to take a good, hard look at my life and make some changes.

That’s why I’m here today--not at the end of my journey towards being a better creature, but somewhere in the middle. I’m asking for forgiveness. For the straw. For the sticks. Not for the brick, because that house was built well and I believe it got sold the following year for double what it cost to erect, and so, good on that pig, because he must have gotten the architecture gene his siblings didn’t. Me, I’m just going around to different wolf packs, talking to the pups about making good decisions.

Mostly I just tell them to stick to chickens.

You tell them the sky is falling, and the next thing you know, they’re walking right into your cave. No houses you need to gather up your breath support for and no riddles like with goats or grandmothers that give you indigestion. Just good, old-fashioned deception.

So you see, I’ve learned.

I’ve come a long, long way.

October 18, 2021 02:56

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240 comments

Sharon Hancock
02:02 Mar 02, 2022

“no riddles like with goats or grandmothers that give you indigestion. Just good, old-fashioned deception.”😂😂😂 dang goats and their riddles! So funny! I loved it and laughed so hard!😂

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Story Time
02:56 Mar 03, 2022

Thanks so much :)

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Gurkirat Singh
17:21 Feb 19, 2022

really good

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Story Time
18:37 Feb 19, 2022

Thank you!

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Taj Isly
22:45 Feb 18, 2022

What a polite and very wise wolf ... But don't get fooled by a polite wolf, never!

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Story Time
01:39 Feb 19, 2022

Thank you, Sabrina.

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SKYE JOEHLIN
16:23 Feb 17, 2022

Cool story, I actually like it.

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Story Time
17:02 Feb 17, 2022

Thank you Skye.

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Allegra Chauvet
14:42 Feb 06, 2022

i love this so much lolll the writing is great and i felt like it was a wolf talking at like an AA meeting or something, the mannerisms and the style of speaking were extremely on point. Great job!!

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Story Time
04:16 Feb 07, 2022

Thank you, Allegra.

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Emma Lekhesi
15:42 Feb 04, 2022

😂Amazing story,I really really laughed...

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Story Time
17:42 Feb 04, 2022

Thank you Emma.

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15:58 Feb 02, 2022

Kevin, I made an account solely to say thank you for this story! It is a fantastic bit of text you have created! I'm going to show it to some of my ESL students tonight, I'm sure that they'll appreciate it as much as I do! Thanks again!

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Story Time
17:05 Feb 02, 2022

That's amazing, Lawrence! You have no idea how much that means to me. Have a great day and I hope your students enjoy watching it.

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Kathy Olson
18:21 Jan 26, 2022

Fun stuff, this. I am new here and reading the winning stories. What a gem to stumble upon. Congratulation on the win. Refreshing to read comedy. So hard to write. This piece is flawless. Loved it!

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Story Time
18:35 Jan 26, 2022

Thank you so much Kathy!

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Kathy Olson
04:33 Jan 27, 2022

You're welcome, Kevin! Best to you.

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14:18 Jan 26, 2022

Very clever! You hooked me from the opening. I love your voice.

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Story Time
17:33 Jan 26, 2022

Thank you Jennifer!

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Pat Tagudar
04:51 Dec 29, 2021

Such an interesting perspective. Enjoyed it so much! I wonder... would you allow me to record a reading of this writing?

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Story Time
17:22 Dec 29, 2021

Yes, absolutely! When you're done, let me know if you upload it anywhere or if you'd like to email it to me at KevinRBroccoli@gmail.com

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Tay Mor
18:23 Dec 19, 2021

Lol this was awesome. It was like the literary version of hearing singers cover a well-known song in a way that was never heard before. So much personality in this one!

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Story Time
02:15 Dec 20, 2021

Thank you so much

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Austin Seaver
06:43 Dec 15, 2021

Great story Kevin, Just finished reading it for the 3rd time. You know it's a well written story when you read it multiple times because it's fun to read.

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Story Time
17:24 Dec 15, 2021

Thank you very much, Austin.

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15:16 Nov 23, 2021

Wow! So engaging, and the best part was, we all knew who the wolf was and what he had done before the end of the second paragraph. Brought back memories... amazing!

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Story Time
17:06 Nov 23, 2021

Thank you Corrina.

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Allie DeRuiter
21:14 Nov 21, 2021

It's so wholesome :)

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Story Time
22:36 Nov 21, 2021

Thank you Allie

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Cayla Lin
19:45 Nov 21, 2021

This story is a bit different than others I've read. I really liked it. 👍👍👍

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Story Time
21:13 Nov 21, 2021

Thank you Irene.

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Cayla Lin
00:29 Nov 22, 2021

😉

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15:29 Nov 21, 2021

Great story 👏

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Story Time
21:13 Nov 21, 2021

Thank you.

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03:40 Nov 19, 2021

I loved this story so much great job

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Story Time
17:13 Nov 19, 2021

Thank you very much

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Bri Meng Sauls
03:17 Nov 15, 2021

This had a smile on my face the whole time. New here and this was the first one I got to read. Thanks for the hilarious introduction

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Story Time
03:45 Nov 15, 2021

Thank you, Bri.

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Julia Townson
21:53 Nov 14, 2021

Fantastic work!! Can't wait to read more of what you've written.

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Story Time
02:14 Nov 15, 2021

Thank you Julia!

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07:14 Nov 11, 2021

i loved the narration, the narrator....so unique...it kept me guessing- a kid, maybe dog, wants to eat the owner...huh maybe a some wild animal...i was happy to meet the wolf.

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Story Time
17:45 Nov 11, 2021

Thank you Shrestha

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