Apprehension

Tick…

Moira stood behind the last vacant chair. She didn’t want to come today. She hadn’t even wanted to look up the date of the event. But her friends had gone to look, and had dragged her along. She had seen the cold date of 27^th March, although hadn’t bucked up the courage to tell anyone about it. Not yet… she had thought. They will know one day about it. She had even debated if she ought to come or not. But, with gritted teeth, she had decided on the worst. She would witness it. Whatever was the result. She would have to face it even if it was terrible. She had crept out of home with various lame excuses, and had turned up at the last second. It was time. Just a terrible period for few minutes, and then it would be over, she had convinced herself. After that, there would be no fogginess. Everything would be clear— failure or success. After a terrible period of few minutes, she would know the status of her future.

Tick…

Moira sat down shakily on the metal chair, and looked around. All faces were staring intently at the stage, faces which bore enthusiastic excitement, faces which bore grim determination and fierceness, faces which were calm and serene, faces which were pale and nervous like Moira. She had no expectation that she would win one of the trophies and certificates that were arranged beautifully upon the stage. The professors were sitting with smiling faces, but nothing seemed beautiful to Moira at that moment. The university campus had never looked so uninviting. There was a sudden clapping as the dean took her place at the stage. God… Moira thought… and she glanced at the watch.

Tick…

More seven seconds, and then would come the ultimate moment. Moira buried her head in her hands and the examination hall floated in her mind. She recalled how she had looked down at the dreaded question paper and felt a chill down her spine. It was the hardest exam she had ever given and perhaps would ever give. And she was sure about one thing after she had come out of the hall: she had given her worst, and there were bare chances of passing, let alone good marks. Since she had given her exam, she had done nothing but prayed for a pass mark. She had felt that she had forgotten everything while she sat there, in the cold classroom. It was a lengthy paper and she had to scribble through the last few answers. She looked up by a sudden screeching noise. The microphone was being set and the dean stood up. The annual convocation would begin…

Tick…

Moira drifted back to her thoughts. Her family had high hopes on her but they failed to understand… that, this exam was different. She had been a nervous wreck all her life. But all that were quite unnecessary, she realized now. All the exams she had earlier given, whether difficult or easy, didn’t decide her future. But her life did depend on this one. She shook her head frantically, and tried to calm herself. She had vomited thrice since the morning. Her parents didn’t know that today was the result day—she had succeeded on hiding that — and they had thought that she had had a food poisoning. Moira was the only one who knew the truth.

Tick…

But… Moira thought… she had studied, right? Day and night? She hadn’t even spared a second. Then, why did her exam have had to be so difficult? Why did the questions have to be so meddling? She had answered all, but she wasn’t sure on any answer. Why did that have to happen? Well, it was a difficult paper, another voice spoke up from the corner of her mind, all your friends said that it was an awful, you are not alone. But… the other side of her brain spoke up… that was not the point. It didn’t matter what people said about the paper… it was the result. She wasn’t interested in what the others thought of the questions. That wouldn’t change the result, that wouldn’t change her state of mind. That wouldn’t change her. It wasn’t about being alone or united. What everybody got, good or bad, wouldn’t neutralize what she got.

Tick…

What would she tell everyone, if she failed? What would everybody say?! How could she ever look up? It would all be over. A failure… that’s what she would be called. She felt tears welling up and blinked.

Another thought popped up in her mind. What if she looked at it differently? What if she didn’t care of what people would say? What if she didn’t allow the biting remarks of everybody to affect her? It was not that she hadn’t or wouldn’t study. She had, would, and will, always give her best. But it was she herself who had given the effort, wasn’t it? And that was the most difficult thing. The ‘people’ didn’t help her there. She was giving the exam for herself, wasn’t she? She wasn’t giving the exam for the others. So, from where did the others come in? Why would she give a damn to what they say? Were they more important than her own feelings?

Tick…

Think the worst, she thought. The exam was over and there was nothing she could do to amend it. Now she had to think what she would do next. If she got a zero… her heart skipped a beat… what would happen? She would give the exam again. Or maybe, she would take up a different course. Well, she shook her head, she would think about that then. But right now, seeing the aspect of things, it didn’t feel that her life would be over, if she got a zero. She would try again and again… until she passed. What was the fear if she had that confidence?

Tick…

She had done it. She had overcome the overwhelming fear. Something was announced from the stage. But she wasn’t afraid of anything, anymore.

Tick…

“Miss Stanley!” someone called. Moira looked around, hearing her name being called.

Tick…

“Where have you been Miss Stanley?” one of the professors said. “All the professors including the dean is searching for you.”

Before Moira could say anything, there was another round of applause, and the dean began to speak. “Good afternoon students and professors. Today, this year’s results are going to be announced…”

“The dean is already on the stage,” the professor said and added frantically, “Miss Stanley hurry to the front. Your name will be called just now. The dean is going to announce it any moment!”

Moira looked back, astonished. “My name…?” she said, and she heard the unmistakable echo, “Miss Moira Stanley is the topper of this year.”