Shakespearean New Year's Resolutions

HAMLET

1.    Finally answer the question of "to be or not to be."

2.    Kill Claudius, forsooth.

3.    Finally go to Wittenberg for art school.

4.    Convince Ophelia to run away with me to art school.

5.    Whatever I do, do not fight a duel with Laertes.

6.    Avoid getting involved in pointless wars.

7.    If I see my father's ghost, seek a grief counselor.

HAMLET'S FATHER'S GHOST

1. Convince Hamlet to avenge my murder,
2. Haunt the battlements.
3. Go to Heaven.
4. Avoid doing a Beetlejuice.

GERTRUDE

1. Refuse casting call for "The Real Housewives of Copenhagen."
2. Two words: Family therapy.
3. Give Hamlet a small country to invade so he'll be distracted.

OPHELIA

1. Learn how to tell when your boyfriend is just pretending to flip out.
2. Two words: family therapy.
3. Go with Hamlet to Wittenberg,

JULIET

1.    Avoid poison.

2.    Convince Romeo to join my friend Ophelia in Wittenberg where my parents will not find me.

3.    Balconies are not my friend.

4.    Bribe my nurse to keep quiet.

5.    If all else fails, sell my story to this century's version of the tabloids.

ROMEO

1.    Learn how to climb up a balcony in two minutes.

2.    Avoid poison.

3.    Start a rumor that Paris made out with Tybalt's sister and let the two of them duel it out.

4.    Bribe/threaten Juliet's nurse to keep quiet.

5.    Don't fall in love with every girl I meet.

LADY CAPULET

1.    Don’t forbid my daughter to see Romeo—they’ll just elope in secret.

2.    Warn Tybalt about his temper.

3.    Say no to the casting call for “Real Housewives of Verona.”

JULIUS CAESAR

1.    Really, beware the Ides of March.

2.    Make Brutus my number two.

3.    Invent a calendar named after me so everyone loves me.

4.    Ditch all my old friends like Cassius.

5.    Plan to be in Gaul on the Ides of March.

6.    Did I mention avoiding the Ides of March?

7.    Listen to the soothsayer.

8.    If I end up courting Cleopatra, remember not to underestimate her as just a pretty face.

BRUTUS

1.    Don’t trust the guys who want to conspire with me.

2.    Invite my old friend Julius Caesar to the chariot races.

3.    Send Caesar to Egypt on a blind date with Cleopatra.

4.    Take a college course on soothsaying.

5.    Take a political science course.

SOOTHSAYER

1.    Really emphasize that “Beware the Ides of March” prediction.

2.    Tell people that no, I don’t know when the Roman Empire will fall.

3.    Go to soothsayer school to learn how to be even more confusing.

4.    Remain politically neutral.

CLEOPATRA

1.    Say yes to that casting call for "Real Housewives of Alexandria" because Marc Antony's wife is in the cast--this should be a great show.

2.    Celebrate myself for my part in world civilizations.

3.    Only use snake venom as a last resort for anything.

ROSALIND

1.    Remind myself that Duke Frederick was always creepy, and Mother always warned me never to be alone with him.

2.    Pick up an atlas and investigate all the forests nearby—then seriously look into that career as a forest ranger.

3.    Do something nice for my BFF Celia because she’s throwing away her inheritance and manor life for me.

FALSTAFF

1.    Try not to get kicked out of every tavern—but if I am, only get kicked out of the absolute dives.

2.    Really practice that speech about honor.

3.    Do not lose weight, stop drinking, or quit wenching.

4.    If Hal goes back to being respectable, find some other prince to corrupt--or failing that, look for one in France.

5.    Write my memoirs if I can remember yesterday or find a pen and paper.

PRINCE HAL

1.    Really reconsider this bromance with Falstaff.

2.    Work on a better Father’s Day gift, like a victory for England.

3.    Failing that, get my dad Premier League soccer tickets.

4.    Work with Dad’s campaign advisor to rehab my image.

5.    Stop Falstaff from publishing his memoirs.

VIOLA (“Twelfth Night”)

1.    Stop Olivia from falling in love with me while I’m disguised as a man.

2.    Refrain from telling Malvolio that he looks like Severus Snape.

PETRUCHIO

1.    Check out this guy named Heath Ledger who playes me in “10 Things I Hate About You”.

2.    Be nicer to Katherine.

3.    Go out with Katherine to help my friend woo Bianca.

4.    Check and see if Katherine is part of any feminist groups.

5.    Practice all my insults as if I really were married.

6.    Watch the “Moonlighting” version of my story.

KATHERINE

1.    Join a feminist group.

2.    Wingman Bianca by getting a fake fiance—not Petruchio!

3.    Watch the “Moonlighting” episode and “10 Things I Hate About You.”

4.    Be nice to my sister.

5.    Practice my insults as if I really were married.

6.    Run off and join Juliet and Ophelia at art school.

HELENA

1.    Do not fall in love with my friend’s fiancé.

2.    Do not throw shade at Hermia for being little.

3.    Do not break the girl code and tell my friend’s fiancé that she eloped.

4.    Do not fall asleep in the woods.

HERMIA

1.    Do not tell my friend I’m eloping with my secret lover.

2.    Tell my dad that I want to marry the guy he picked.

3.    Do not fall asleep in the woods.

BOTTOM

1.    Do not fall asleep in the woods.

2.    Sign up for acting classes.

3.    If a fairy queen shows up and says she loves me, be skeptical.

PUCK

1.    Try not to be couples’ counselor for two of the most stubborn fairies anywhere.

2.    Find some mortals to bedevil instead.

3.    Bewitch ten mortals so I can get gold status.

4.    Find out how Ariel on Prospero’s Island runs things.

5.    See if the fairy godmothers in “Sleeping Beauty” need help.

ARIEL

1.    Stop playing tricks on people singing in the Little Mermaid’s voice.

2.    Coach Puck about how to be a guardian sprite.

3.    Try to be nice to Caliban.

4.    See if Tinkerbell needs a helper.

OTHELLO

1.    Do not listen to Iago under any circumstances!

2.    See a counselor on how to make interracial marriages work.

3.    Attend anger management classes.

4.    Try not to spy on Desdemona.

IAGO

1.    Watch “Gaslight” as a how-to film.

2.    Consider creating a deepfake of Desdemona with a guy.

3.    Pay somebody to plant evidence on Desdemona.

DESDEMONA

1.    Block Iago from our social media accounts. 

2.    Hire a PI to follow Iago.

3.    Get Othello involved with new friends and activities.

4.    Spice things up in the bedroom so he forgets who Iago is.