Gas

I’ve always had a job where I worked in a high rise building in New York City and Los Angeles, California. When I got the job as being an accountant for Lester and Lester and Associates. My office was located on the 40^th floor.

I soon discovered from way up there, New York is a beautiful city. This New York City building is an essential for anyone who has not experienced the city, because it offers breathtaking views of almost all its notable attractions. From the main deck, you'll be able to see that 1.317 squared miles patch of lush green known as Central Park. You'll also see the Hudson and East Rivers encircling Manhattan, the Brooklyn Bridge and even America's Great Lady, the Statue of Liberty!

When I worked in LA in the Wilshire Grand Center Building  at the height of 1,100 feet. Some lunatic dude jumped off the top of the building at the speed of light. (The speed of light in vacuum, commonly denoted c, is a universal physical constant important in many areas of physics. Its exact value is defined as 299,792,458 meters per second (approximately 300,000 km/s (186,000 mi/s).  The real relationship to the jumper was in other words, like falling from a 101 story building that is the equivalent of getting hit by a car going 140 km/h, or 87 miles per hour and that’s just what would happen, if you ran out into a busy freeway on the Autobahn.

I take these jobs in skyscrapers knowing full well the I’m afraid of heights.

Every time I reluctantly enter an elevator I pass gas. One day I was stuck in a crowded elevator for 4 hours when the power suddenly went out. The gas in my stomach is primarily caused by swallowing air when you eat or drink. Most stomach gas is released when you burp or when I ride in an elevator.  My gas forms in my large intestine (colon) when bacteria ferment carbohydrates and fiber, some starches and some sugars aren't digested in my small intestine.

Nevertheless you should see the peoples faces, especially when I make my gas go silent. Then I undeniably point at a person who they would be made to believe did that unbelievable act of disrespect, as they began praying, gagging and screaming to get off . One lady actually passed out. While a man with a long beard tried climbing out of the top of the broken elevator.  With a job well done I head for my office once the elevator started moving again.

There I received a message on my computer from my psychiatric Dr. Hannibal Lecter a fictional character.  He is a respected Baltimore forensic psychiatrist, as well as a cannibalistic serial killer. Who is helping me to stop doing dirty deeds to unsuspecting elevator riders?

After reading that message I got another message from the LA District Attorney’s office to inform me of the many crimes I’m being charge with as a bad accountant. Boldly stated that I intentionally and  personally misrepresented my qualifications.

Everyone knows that a chartered accountants are professionals who have undertaken a lengthy qualification after achieving their bachelor's degrees. We work closely with institutions to ensure that areas relating to finance for example, tax and financial records are properly managed and everything is paid on time. Working in this role requires good math, analytical and organizational skills as attention to detail is important. Why should anyone trust an accountant who claims to be qualified when they are not, or who claims to be a member of a body to which they do not belong. What about those who claim that membership of a particular group or body constitutes a qualification even though membership does not depend on a period of study or exams?

The E-mail went on to say that Mr. Julius Asberry your being charged with condoning tax evasion for clients. The message included that I knowingly allowing clients to exclude cash takings from their books and to claim tax relief for non-business related (personal) expenditures. Charge number three. You have falsified documents. We’ve outlined some of the implications of the Forgery and Counterfeiting Act 1981. Among the offences this Act addresses is making a false instrument (e.g. a document) with the objective of inducing a third party (e.g. HMRC) to accept it is genuine so that they will do something (or not do something) to their own or to somebody else’s prejudice. This would include, for example, backdating the minutes of client company Board Meetings to ‘evidence’ the authority for dividends already paid.

Charge number four. You boosted your clients time based fees by being inefficient. Another issue of trust. The facility for accountants to charge more when they are inefficient is one reason why so many clients try to avoid paying time-based fees. Sometimes the accountant may not even be aware they are inefficient; after all there is no incentive to find faster ways to do things when paid by the hour.

Charge number five you refused to clarify the scope of the work you’ll do. Client service again. Often there will be a perception gap as between what the client expects and what the accountant is willing to do without increasing the fees. Even worse are those accountants like me who undertake the extra work but do not raise the question of additional fees until afterwards.

Just when I finished reading the last charge I was being accused of allegedly doing. I was being arrested at my place of employment to the joy of my boss who wanted to get rid of me. (He knew that I was smarter than him and I didn't disagree).

The two cops came in to ask some questions (and try to get a confession) I didn't have my “never without a lawyer” rule in place, so I talked to them. I didn't do anything wrong and I was naive enough back then to think I was safe.

The reason they came to my workplace was because no one really knew where I was currently living. But they knew where I worked. That’s why I received those charges via my E-mail address. The cops, after playing good cop, bad cop in my office, told me they were going to arrest me and that they would cuff me outside. So I gave my boss the bird as the two officers escorted me to the elevator. When we got there I pleaded with them to let us take the stairs. They both laughed in my face to for a lowly accountant to think us Dunkin Donut recipients were going to walk down 42 flights of stairs.

By the time we reached the lobby of the building I could have escaped if I wanted to. I know the next time they’ll wish they took the stairs.

After about 12 minutes of throwing up and cussing, the one cop recovered and placed the handcuffs upon me.

They tried the unofficial interview technique in the car and even tried sticking me with a snitch in that god awful cell. I was amused at that point.