One the Hike

   Miko Anase Nakamura extinguished her cigarette in the palm of her hand. Usually pain wasn’t a feeling she enjoyed. But when she did this, it reminded her of her dad. He used to do the same thing, never to her, but she always wondered what it felt like. When she tried her first cigarette the overwhelming urge to try it triumphed. At his funeral, she did it again, for convenience rather than curiosity. Yet it was the closest she had ever felt to him. Even now in the same school he went to at her age, she never felt further apart from who he used to be. 

  The train ride had been an uncomfortable one because of all the people. They were all so crowded together and she was very proud of herself for not getting overwhelmed. But now as she stepped onto the trains station platform. A rush of anxiety came over her. Focusing on calming herself down she repeats a phrase over and over again. 

“Not yet, not yet, not yet,” 

And she felt better, not completely okay, but better. This trip is supposed to be therapeutic she thought. It’ll make me feel better. And even though she wasn’t the hugest fan of nature she was ready for her hike. Up the mountain and down again. Just like her dad said every time. “You gotta go both ways, there is always a way back” And she believed him as a little kid. But now she knew that there wasn’t always a way back. Sometimes you gotta keep going forward. Because you might spend your time looking for a way back when there is none. 

The tour guide had been distracted when Miko snuck away. She knew her way around and she could do it herself. Like she always had. Like all her family had before her. And how they will after her.That was what she was taught and what she couldn’t bring herself to unlearn. And the hike ahead would prove to be a lesson she did need. 

The first problem she encountered was a lack of water. If she had been with the group she could’ve asked someone to spare, but she had left. This was not the breaking point for her. She thought she could easily move on if she tried. Once she made it to the top there would be a drink dispenser or something refreshing. 

The second problem was not as big, but very unmotivating. After the long train ride there her legs had become worn from sitting. And they soon got tired. She took many breaks just to make sure she didn’t have any damage to her body. Still she felt the pain multiply after each break. 

Some higher power had to be testing her, she thought. Maybe they don’t want to see me make it to the top. This made her more determined and kept her motivated enough to make it to the top with no one's help. And when she did, she passed out. 

All of her residual stress, anxiety had driven her to a mental and physical breakdown she was not able to fully fight. All of her just needed an extreme amount of rest. When the tour group got to the top they realized she had been gone the whole time and requested medical help from the rangers office nearby. 

She almost had slept for a day when she woke up sweaty and dehydrated. The ranger handed her some water and said: 

“You sure had a good nap,”

Still confused she asked the old man to clarify what had happened to her. He told her when the group found her she was unconscious and would not wake up. This worried them and they thought it was best to come to me

She took all of this in rather quickly and asked if she was near the top of the trail.

"You're at the very peak," he replied," If you don't mind me asking where you get that scar," he pointed to the middle of her palm.

"Nothing, just burned myself on accident,"

She stood up and felt dizzy still gripping onto the cup of water she had gotten. Looked out the window to find everything she passed below. She made it and all thanks to the people that helped her and herself of course. Looking over the area her dad’s ashes were spread brought her to tears. She wondered why he asked her to come every year. Why would he put her through this. Then she remembered “Not yet,” 

He said she hadn’t found her connection to this world at least not yet. And one day she would find it or maybe not. And he was okay with that because that's who he was. Someone who was okay if his daughter never found her connection. Because he never found his. And if he did he wouldn’t tell her. Because he didn’t need to, she would know. Everyone would know. 

He didn’t want to die but he also didn’t care if he did. Because he knew I’d be fine. He knew she would find her own way. He believed that she could no matter what. So every time she climbed this mountain. she remembered that he knew she could. That when no one knew, he did. And that he would always be there looking down at all he passed and passed on to her and everyone else. 

He loved her. Even though he never said it, he loved her. And she loved him back. Even though she never said it, she loved him back. They were their connections, because she knew he did everything he could to be hers. And even when she didn’t know she was doing everything she could to be his. No matter how hard it was on her or him. That's what Love is. 

Peering out onto this beautiful mountain scene she knew that forever. And she would never ever forget it. Not until she died.