254 comments

East Asian Thriller Science Fiction

“We’ve got the results, 母!” Kazumi cheered.

Warm sunlight jabbed at the old woman’s eyes, which made her close them tight. They stayed closed for a long time until the woman opened them again. Her lips curved into a smile, the biggest she could manage.  

“This is huge! They could’ve found something.” the man said, his mouth curved into a grin.

He dusted off his tie with his hands, then fixed the belt on his pants. Kazumi wore a suit for the occasion, the fanciest he had.  

“Alright, see you later, 母! Wish me luck,” he said, twisting the cold brass doorknob. His hands were clammy, like a paper towel that’d been run under water, then heated in the microwave for a minute. He wiped his heated paper towel hands on the handkerchief he carried in his pant pocket.  

↓↓↓↓↓

His hands were clasped in front of him on the glass table.  

Kazumi was worried that he might make sweat marks on the table. He tried not to think about it though, and focused on why he was here. The women and men around Kazumi stared at him, some of them drank coffee.

“When will the meeting start?” a man asked, his cheeks redder than the U.S. flag.

“Do you think they found anything?”

“No, it’s impossible. No planet has what Earth has.”

A tall woman strode into the room, her head high. Her heels clacked against the wood floor, and she stood at the front of the table.

“Say what?” she asked the woman who’d spoken. “You, what d’you say?”

The woman from before stood and fidgeted with her fingers, then answered, “I said it isn’t possible to find another planet like Earth, miss. No other planet has living circumstances like Earth-“

“Oh, you fool, sit!” the tall woman said as she shook her head.

“Yes ma’am!” the woman answered, her cheeks flushed. She put her hand to her forehead, then put her hands to her sides and sat.

“Tsk,” the tall woman murmured, rolling her eyes. “Today we’re going to talk about...”

Kazumi leaned closer to the table, biting his lip.

The woman stared at him. “The other one we found.”

Everyone grinned at each other. One man next to Kazumi even stood up and patted him on the shoulder.

“So we found another one? How good are the living conditions?" a woman asked. She sat down at the table and folded her hands together.

“Almost exact to Earth’s. There are salty waters and fresh streams, so we have hope. We’re gonna continue our exploration today.” the woman at the front of the table said.

Everyone cheered, and someone exclaimed, “We’re not gonna die!”

“Yes, yes. Now, Kazumi, since you funded this whole thing, what do you want to name the planet?”

“Um... maybe Dōyōni?” he said, his eyebrows furrowed.

Everyone nodded in agreement.

“Kazumi, we’ll reveal more details to you tomorrow.”

His eyebrows were raised and he said, “Actually, can I be a part of the search team?”

“Okay, sure.” the tall woman nodded.

“Thank you, ma’am,” Kazumi was happy, but he tried not to show it as much as he answered people’s praise and left the office to his humble home.

↓↓↓↓↓

The door creaked open as Kazumi turned the key.

“How did it go?” a voice startled him, and he turned to see his mom sitting on the sofa.

Kazumi smiled at her and took his jacket off, hanging it on the hangers next to the door.

“They found one. It’s very similar, or so they said,” he said, “they’re sending out a search team, and I’m going with them!” Kazumi’s mom’s smile faltered a bit, but Kazumi didn’t notice, he was too busy reminiscing over his gain. Thanks to him, his family tree would continue, with him at the top of it.

“I knew that putting money into this would be worth it!” he yelled, a huge grin on his face. And making those little ‘rabbit holes,’ that was the best invention he’d ever created. “Benzaiten is on my side today! Oh, maybe I shouldn’t jinx it.”

"I’m going to see Dōyōni tomorrow!" he exclaimed, clapping his hands.

↓↓↓↓↓

The remote was calling his name. He had it in his pocket and he couldn’t stop touching it for the life of him.

“See you later, 母!” he said, waving and closing the door behind.

He skipped to his car, the remote burning a hole in his pocket. Last night, after spamming the ‘reload’ button on his computer, he’d finally seen an email from the tall woman.

It was calling him in to explore the next day, Kazumi could’ve jumped and done cartwheels on his lawn.

Though the planet - Dōyōni, was lightyears away, the little ‘rabbit holes’ he’d created helped with that. And if they could possibly live on Dōyōni, it would be a great thing for Kazumi.

He smacked his own hand, which was lingering around the pocket with the remote.

“Get a hold of yourself!” he said as he combed his hair back. It’d gone lopsided in the battle of his hands, and he fixed it right away.

↓↓↓↓↓

Kazumi took the remote of his pocket into his hand and placed it on the table before him, as all of the other members had done.

“Now, we’re going to Dōyōni in approximately... 10 minutes, go get changed and come back.

A man at the table lifted his head and said, “Can we eat before we go?”

“Not unless you want to either vomit your guts out in space halfway or have a horrible headache and stomachache.” the woman said.

The man shook his head, his eyes wide. “No, not really.”

“I’m so excited to go!” Kazumi exclaimed, walking into the changing room.

Suddenly, his phone rang. Kazumi turned back to where it was on the table and grabbed it.

“Hello?”

“Greetings, is this... Kazumi Nomura?”

Kazumi took a pause, his eyebrows furrowed before he spoke again. “Yes, who is this?”

“St. Luke’s International Hospital.”

“What’s going on?!”

“Your mother has been brought to this hospital from your home.”

Tears ran down Kazumi’s cheeks as he thought about the worst possible scenarios. “I’ll be there right away,” he said as he ran out of the office.

He’d have to miss the exploration of Dōyōni, but his mother was so much more important than any of that.

↓↓↓↓↓

“M-mom!”

Kazumi ran through the doors of his mother’s hospital room, out of breath. His eyes were widened, and his hands were on his knees as he gasped for breath.

His mother stared back at him, her eyebrow cocked. “What’s wrong?”

“Why are you in the hospital?”

She shrugged, pursing her lips.

“A neighbor passed by and saw her through the window. He said that...” - the doctor paused as she looked at her clipboard - “she was lying on the floor.”

Kazumi ran to his mother’s side and gave her a huge hug, to which she returned with equal strength.

“I’m really glad you’re okay,” he said, tears streaming down his cheeks, “I’m so sorry.”

November 30, 2020 23:33

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254 comments

☆ Ariadne ☆
23:07 Dec 02, 2020

I nearly cried for the mom. The Japanese touches are fantastic. I was confused at first but then I saw your note in the comments section. Super creative, love it! <3

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Raquel Rodriguez
00:30 Dec 03, 2020

Yeah, same, I feel bad for her. Thank you! Yeah, I'm obsessed with that anime, I told my friend not to read it till she finishes Kanata No Astra, so idk. Thank you so much! :D

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☆ Ariadne ☆
18:02 Dec 04, 2020

Oh, that sounds cool! Never entered the anime world (yet) so I don't know what that is, but sounds cool! :)

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Raquel Rodriguez
16:32 Dec 05, 2020

Omg you totally should! I'm on my 21st anime, Nisekoi. :) Kanata No Astra is kind of like an Among Us anime in space

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Izzie Chan
03:36 Dec 07, 2020

Hey rocky! The story left me speechless, lol. This is amazing! Your writing flows so well, and the way you describe simple things, turning them into something so vivid is just aaaa I love it so much!!! You’re really an amazing writer! Btw omg PLEASE teach me how to write again because, not gonna lie, I forgot- This was an amazing story to read, I was completely drawn in by both the cultural aspect and details! Great job, Rocky! :D

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Raquel Rodriguez
15:38 Dec 07, 2020

Ohmisoullllllll! Izzie, thank you so freaking much! Yes, I'm very sophisticated, aren't I? Ah dang it, I was gonna spell sophisticated wrong, but it autocorrected! Oop girl- watch some videos or something lol (I recommend Alexa Donne, I watch her sometimes) but you know how to write! Thank you so much! I'm glad, I like including different cultures in my stories because they're all really interesting! :) Thanks Izzie! Miss you! :D

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Izzie Chan
21:28 Dec 09, 2020

Haha no problem rocky! Miss you tooooo I definitely agree! Every culture is unique, and I like that you recognized that! Okay, I’ll make sure to check out some of her videos later! Thank you so much! :D

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Raquel Rodriguez
13:46 Dec 10, 2020

Yay uniqueness Alrght, hope you like her! She's a bit of a pantser, so idk if that's your writing style, but... We miss you on Hangouts and Ash wants to slap Arham in the face, so yeah :)

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Izzie Chan
19:11 Dec 10, 2020

Lmao why does she want to slap him in the face??? What happened on there since I left lol

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Raquel Rodriguez
13:51 Dec 11, 2020

Apparently she wants to slap him every time he answers her questions and she doesn't know why...

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16:59 Dec 01, 2020

Hi, Raquel! I've seen you comment on one of my friends' stories and I wanted to check out yours! You are an outstanding writer! Your description is phenomenal and I can feel the character's emotion. The names are creative and so are the ideas incorporated into this story! Great job!

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Raquel Rodriguez
18:06 Dec 01, 2020

Hey! Ooh, thank you so much! Oh gosh, these compliments are going to my head, lol. Thank you! I'm so glad you think I am, I'm just trying to learn. Thank you! This is inspired by an anime I just watched :)

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20:06 Dec 01, 2020

You are very welcome! Haha! Nice!

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Raquel Rodriguez
20:15 Dec 01, 2020

;)

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B. W.
21:35 Dec 12, 2020

hey

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Raquel Rodriguez
00:23 Dec 13, 2020

Hi! What's up? Are you writing a new story?

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B. W.
00:27 Dec 13, 2020

actually, i kinda am, and its with someone else

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Raquel Rodriguez
16:11 Dec 13, 2020

Oh, alright! Nice! Do you mind telling me who it is?

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B. W.
17:41 Dec 13, 2020

Its sorta gonna be a surprise, though maybe at some point me and you could do a story together as well?

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Raquel Rodriguez
20:14 Dec 13, 2020

Sure, that'd be fun! :)

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F. A.
16:28 Dec 07, 2020

Hi Raquel! This story was awesome! One writing rule to make your story flow like a river is to never use 'said', 'told', or 'say'. Don't worry, I am not very good with that either. I noticed you used said a couple of times. You can try using words that are more creative or just shorten your sentences. For example: “This is huge! They could’ve found something.” the man said, his mouth curved into a grin. could be “This is huge! They could’ve found something.” the man grinned, cheerfully. It's totally up to you, though!

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Raquel Rodriguez
17:07 Dec 07, 2020

Hi! Thank you so much! I appreciate your advice and I agree with the first part, to not put said so much. (I don't think I use the word 'told' at all but if I do feel free to tell me) However for the last sentence: '“This is huge! They could’ve found something.” the man grinned, cheerfully.' I dislike using adverbs to show how my characters feel. and that's a part of 'telling.' Though you don't have to 'show' all the time, I dislike telling, so I don't think 'grinned cheerfully' is something I would use in replacement of 'his mouth c...

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F. A.
19:39 Dec 07, 2020

Ok, sorry for the misunderstanding! Can you maybe check out my story, 'Broken Heart'? Hope you have a wonderful day! :D

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Raquel Rodriguez
20:43 Dec 07, 2020

Thank you so much, but you don't have to apologize! Sure :) You too!

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Raquel Rodriguez
13:51 Dec 01, 2020

1. This was based on Astra Lost in Space (aka Kanata No Astra) 2. The characters are Japanese, and haha (母) means 'mother' or 'mom' 3. The name Kazumi means 'Harmony, Peace, Beautiful' in Japanese

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Lily Dawn
11:46 Mar 15, 2021

Hi, sorry to disturb you. May I please use your name for a story I'm writing on Reedsy this week, please?🙃

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Raquel Rodriguez
21:36 Mar 26, 2021

Oh my god, I'm so sorry for responding late, I haven't been on for weeks, feels like years. Yeah, of course you can use my name any time you want!

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Lily Dawn
06:05 Mar 29, 2021

Thank Youuuu ❤

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Raquel Rodriguez
14:10 Mar 29, 2021

No problem! :D So how've you been lately?

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Lily Dawn
04:57 Apr 01, 2021

I've been good. How've you been? And how are your book(s) going?

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Lily Dawn
11:59 Apr 06, 2021

But I've just been starting stories on Reedsy and not finishing them?. So things are def busy

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Raquel Rodriguez
12:42 Apr 26, 2021

That's great! Uh, I've been pretty good besides recovering from the shock of this whole thing, lol. I actually started writing, and stopped again so :')

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B. W.
18:53 Dec 09, 2020

Heyyy

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Raquel Rodriguez
13:41 Dec 10, 2020

Hi! :)

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B. W.
18:49 Dec 10, 2020

how are ya?

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Raquel Rodriguez
19:02 Dec 10, 2020

Not doing so well, how about you?

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B. W.
19:49 Dec 10, 2020

whats wrong?

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Raquel Rodriguez
13:52 Dec 11, 2020

Nothing, I was just tired :P

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Cliche my child. I've never read such a sophisticated story that has east asian sci-fi in it. Often I try to look for some and I found a great author with some. I really liked it a lot, (sad for the mom though :C) I really like because it was eye catching until the end! And you used such clear description! -Clemaline :>

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Raquel Rodriguez
19:50 Dec 08, 2020

Thank you (can I call you Ema?)! I'm so glad you liked the story! Ooh, thank you! I'm glad you think of me as a great author, lol. Thank you so, so much! :)

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No prob and yes :> (Ngl though I used to call you Rachel lol) Oh and can you check out my story series its only two so far it's called 'The Zodiacs'. Trying to see if it still needs criticism. Cherriooooo

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Raquel Rodriguez
14:53 Dec 09, 2020

Alright! Wait, do I know you? Lol, that's probably a stupid question. A bunch of my teachers call me Rachel sometimes. Sure, I'll check out your stories :) Do you want me to go ham on your story or not? I need to know because I don't wanna go too hard on people. :)

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Go crazyyyyy lol XD And I don't no anyone named rachel or raquel lol

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Raquel Rodriguez
13:21 Dec 10, 2020

Yay! :) Oh, alright.

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14:31 Dec 08, 2020

OHMIGOSJ RAQUEL WE HAVEN'T TALKED IN YEARSSSSSSSSSS *brainstorms a topic to talk on*

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Raquel Rodriguez
19:23 Dec 08, 2020

LOLLLLLLLLLL yes we haven't talked in forever. *thinks hard and gets headache*

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03:13 Dec 09, 2020

Yessssss *invades Raquel's mind like a telepath and heals it*

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Raquel Rodriguez
13:09 Dec 09, 2020

Uhmmmmmmm *heals Sia's mind and stays there*

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14:36 Dec 09, 2020

Hmmmm *creates a ppt on memes and displays*

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Raquel Rodriguez
14:55 Dec 09, 2020

Lollll, I wanted to see what Google said when I put in ppt, and it said, in slang, ppt = Princess Peach Toadstool. That's nice, huh?

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B. W.
19:59 Dec 07, 2020

New story out ^^ could ya check out "To catch a killer" and leave some feedback on it?

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Raquel Rodriguez
20:43 Dec 07, 2020

Alright

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B. W.
21:09 Dec 07, 2020

thanks

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Raquel Rodriguez
00:37 Dec 08, 2020

No problem! I did it! :)

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B. W.
23:03 Dec 05, 2020

Hey i kind of need some help with something real quick

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Raquel Rodriguez
19:12 Dec 06, 2020

oh frick, sorry, do you still need help or no?

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B. W.
19:21 Dec 06, 2020

I'm on the reedsy book editor thing and I forgot how to change the name of the novel and stuff

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Raquel Rodriguez
19:25 Dec 06, 2020

Damn. Uh... I don't know how to do that either, lemme check

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B. W.
19:26 Dec 06, 2020

What? I thought you knew, didnt you ask for help with it a while ago or was that someone else?

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Raquel Rodriguez
19:29 Dec 06, 2020

Oh, I've never really used the book editor thing, so I doubt it was me, my last novel was the first time I've used it, but I never really went on it, sorry.

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Kristin Neubauer
13:05 Dec 05, 2020

This was such an interesting story, Raquel! Your writing is always great, but it seemed particularly vivid in this one. I loved the line: "Warm sunlight jabbed at the old woman’s eyes, which made her close them tight." You illustrated the depth of the relationship between Kazumi and his mother so powerfully - great job!

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Raquel Rodriguez
16:41 Dec 05, 2020

Thank you so much, Kristin! Ooh, maybe I should try writing like this more often! I don't know what I did differently though... I'm glad you liked it! Thank you! :)

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B. W.
22:04 Dec 04, 2020

heyyy

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Raquel Rodriguez
16:33 Dec 05, 2020

Hi! Are you writing any new stories?

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B. W.
17:33 Dec 05, 2020

i aint sure

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Raquel Rodriguez
16:39 Dec 06, 2020

Oh, why not?

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B. W.
17:41 Dec 06, 2020

I don't know what to do for em

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Raquel Rodriguez
19:25 Dec 06, 2020

Same, the novel I'm working on, I'm kind of stuck :P

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WOW Raquel, I loved it so much. The names were super unique! And I was super emotional in the end. Great work, also if u can do check out my latest stories(only if u want);)

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Raquel Rodriguez
12:32 Dec 04, 2020

Thank you, Varsha! :)

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Aesha Amin
17:09 Dec 03, 2020

Hi, I'm not an expert or anything but as I read your story, I noticed some mistakes I used to make: Warm sunlight jabbed at the old woman’s eyes, which made her close them tight. - I usually try to avoid ‘which’ and ‘that’ as much as I can. For me, the sentence might’ve been : Warm sunlight jabbed at the old woman’s eyes, making her close them tight. Kazumi wore a suit for the occasion, and it was the fanciest one he had. - To me, this seems a bit wordy. Maybe the sentence could’ve gone : Kazumi wore a suit for the occasion, the fancie...

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Raquel Rodriguez
19:24 Dec 03, 2020

Hey Ash! Actually, I've heard that action words ending with 'ing' signify present-tense, and this story is in past-tense, so I don't know about that. Of course, I know what you mean by avoiding words like 'that' and 'very.' Yes, I agree with the second tip, I'll change it. :) Thank you so much! The anime was Kanata No Astra/Astra Lost in Space. Thank you! Sure, I'll check your story out in a sec- I need to take my cake out of the oven, lol

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Jace A. King👑
13:56 Dec 02, 2020

Hey! Just wanted to let you know that the personality of your characters are really detailed and they feel real, to be honest, I kinda felt like I was taken to the place! I loved the thought of the story as well as the details you put to describe how nervous he was. I hope that you continue to write! I followed you by the way. Great story.

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Raquel Rodriguez
14:49 Dec 02, 2020

Hi! Thank you so much! I'm so excited that you think that way! Thanks! You too! Thank you so much for following and liking! :)

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Jace A. King👑
15:14 Dec 02, 2020

Np!

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Raquel Rodriguez
17:31 Dec 02, 2020

:)

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16:20 Dec 01, 2020

Interesting story! The Japanese names make it super interesting, and I think it's really cool how you researched them to make the names have actual meanings! This fits really well into the prompt, and it makes me go like, "HIS POOR MOM!!" You are super good at sci-fi, and I feel like the fact that this is Japanese makes it have the kind of anime vibe! One critique: You said: Kazumi smiled at her and took his jacket off, hanging it n the hangers next to the door. I think you meant: Kazumi smiled at her and took his jacket off, hanging it...

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Raquel Rodriguez
17:26 Dec 01, 2020

Thank you! I'm glad you liked the names! :) Lol, thank you so muchhhhh! Yeahhh, anime is the best! Oh, alright! I think Celeste pointed that out, but I didn't know what she meant.

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20:51 Dec 01, 2020

No problem! You're welcome! :) Oh, okay! lol

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Raquel Rodriguez
20:52 Dec 01, 2020

:) I fixed it, thank you guys again for telling me! :)

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20:54 Dec 01, 2020

Yeah, no problem!

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B. W.
05:32 Dec 01, 2020

Could you check out "Unforgivable" and leave some feedback on it?

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Raquel Rodriguez
12:48 Dec 01, 2020

Sure!

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B. W.
17:24 Dec 01, 2020

thanks ^^

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Raquel Rodriguez
18:07 Dec 01, 2020

:) No problem!

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B. W.
18:53 Dec 01, 2020

:)

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04:13 Dec 01, 2020

But, WOWWWWW I LURVEEE THE NAMESSS!! And the whole other-worldly feel!!! Good jobbb !!!

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Raquel Rodriguez
13:41 Dec 01, 2020

Yayyyyyy I'm glad you love the namessssss! Thank youuuu! This was based on an anime I've watched I love writing science fiction, so I'm glad you like it! :D

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14:13 Dec 01, 2020

ooooohhhh N O I C E!!

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Raquel Rodriguez
15:28 Dec 01, 2020

Yeee :)

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15:29 Dec 01, 2020

Yess

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