11 comments

Thriller Mystery

The road was slick, and the sky was dark. The perfect combination for a car accident. Still, the young, reckless John went at full speed, desperate to get to where they were going on time. He didn’t bother with stupid things like saftey precautions, or seatbelts. Those were for losers, and overprotective parents. He was neither of those things. John never understood how risky the game of life was, and it could all be taken away in a flash. No, instead he lived only for the moment and carved a path for his own adventures in the small town of Oklahoma. He preferred it that way, to dance with Death on a wobbly tightrope. A game of chance, a gamble of life. Why stay safe when you can be brave and be adventurous? John had floppy brown hair, a mischievous grin, and a big personality. But now, he needed to focus in the storm. There was always a time to be reckless, but now was not the time. 

The storm had come suddenly, just as the two kids had gotten on the road. The storm was relentless, and unforgiving. Giant dark clouds loomed over the night sky, but they too were barely visible in the storm. Darkness surrounded them, an abyss. Darkness is a strange thing, it is known that all mysterious and unexplainable situations occur during the night. In the shadows, the unknown emerged, and little fears grew larger. 

John kept his eyes on the road, barely able to see, while trying to entertain his little 7-year old cousin. Mike, the little boy with a head full of thick brown hair, green eyes, and bony long limbs, was very bored. He twiddled his thumbs in the front seat, and tried looking out the window. There wasn't much to see. 

“How much longer?” Mike complained, unaware of the dangerous road conditions.

“Not that much longer,” John responded.

The wind howled, and the air was misty. Rain poured down fast, leaving huge puddles on the road, and thousands of droplets covered the windows. The sun had gone to bed, and the only nearby source of light were their own car lights and the radiant face of the moon. It was strange that the moon was even visible at all on such a night. It was very difficult to see out the window, and the truck had a hard time keeping to its side of the road, sometimes swerving. Thankfully, there were no other cars nearby.

Suddenly, Mike spotted a man in a big blue hoodie, his dark face concealed, standing on the side of the road. He was only visible due to the flashlight he held, illuminating his body and the ground in front of him. He held his thumb out, looking for a ride. He looked like an assassin, or a scythe, just standing there, mysterious. It was almost as if he had appeared out of nowhere...

“Look!” Mike shouted. John swerved the car from the shock. He was able to regain control over the car, and he slammed on the brakes, coming to a stop.

“Jeez Mike! You nearly made me crash the car! What is it?” He answered, annoyed.

“See the man there? He’s looking for a ride,” Mike said.

“Well, we don’t have time.”

“He’s all wet and it’s raining, we can’t just leave him here!” Mike said, and he was already rolling down the window, letting all the rain in, while shouting at the tall man to get in. John sighed. The tall dark man in the wet blue hoodie and jeans strode over to the car and got in the backseat.

“Where are you going?” John asked in his okie accent. 

“Anywhere but here,” the man said in a deep voice.

John navigated the storm, doing his best to avoid swerving while also going at high speed. Water wooshed around them, and the sky poured, and poured, continuously with no signs of stopping. The hitchhiker in the backseat was quiet the entire time, and so were Mike and John. They didn’t know what to say. John was used to picking up hitchhikers, it was nothing out of the ordinary for him. But today, the time couldn’t have been more unfortunate. Now, he was soaked from all the rain Mike had let him and his seats were probably as well, due to the fact the man in the back was dripping wet. John was definitely grumpy at that moment. The road started to get more dangerous. The turns became sharp, and the rain poured even harder.

“Be careful up here on the turn. The curve is very dangerous. My family had a terrible car accident on a night like this,” the hitchhiker said out of nowhere, breaking the awkward silence.

“Oh, I’m so sorry. Did anyone die?” John asked, his face creased with worry.


“Yeah. I did.”


The car skidded to an abrupt stop, right before it could be flung over the edge of the cliff. John and Mike leaped right there from their seats and looked right behind themselves. The hitchhiker was gone. For a second, they were petrified, and as pale as ghosts as the realization of what had happened dawned upon them. 

“Wha-wha-what?” John stuttered.

“Where-” Mike questioned, terrified.

They both could not believe what had happened. The hitchhiker, in a blue sweatshirt and jeans, tall, dark skinned, who held a flashlight, had seemed so real just a second ago. They had picked him up. They asked him where he was going. He warned them about the curve and the cliff. Then, he was gone in an instant. Just like that. Almost, as if it had never happened.    

John, just eighteen, and Mike, only seven years old would have perished that night in a tragic car accident if it weren’t for the ghost of a hitchhiker. The hitchhiker had saved them. In a flash, he was there, and then he was gone. The jolt of shock caused John to slam on the brakes, preventing them from tumbling over the cliff dying a terrible death. To this day, the haunting memory of a memory stays with them, for they always remember that night they survived, due to the ghost that saved them. 







October 19, 2020 19:08

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11 comments

Tom .
16:18 Oct 27, 2020

The classic Hitchhiker story. Thank you for doing it so well. You avoided the clichés. I loved the impact. There was no dancing around with unneeded suspense or mystery. You just delivered a clean knockout punch. GOOD JOB.

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L M
18:21 Oct 27, 2020

Thank you! Your comment means a lot to me.

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Charles Stucker
23:11 Oct 25, 2020

The road was slick, and the sky was dark. The perfect combination for a car accident. - try, "The slick road and dark sky created the perfect combination for a car wreck." Then drop from " John never understood" to the end of the paragraph. the information is really mostly bloat. The storm had come suddenly, just as the two kids had gotten on the road. Using had takes impact from a sentence. Try "The storm came suddenly, just as the two kids got on the road." Same sentence, but cleaner. Giant dark clouds loomed over the night sky, bu...

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L M
19:50 Oct 26, 2020

Thank you so much for all the helpful suggestions! It means so much to me. I did ramble just to hit that required 1,000 words mark to enter the story. I was not sure how else to add to the story, and I don't know if the story still qualifies if it does not hit the minimum word count. I don't think I can edit it now, but I will definitely keep the corrections in mind. I really appreciate your comments!

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AJ Hensley
05:46 Oct 25, 2020

I loved this entry! The length and pacing were great - and the twist at the end was one that I definitely did not expect. I also enjoyed how this was not so much horror as it was, dare I say, inspirational? Perhaps that’s not the right word either. Regardless, this was a wonderful piece. I’d love your feedback on the pacing (or anything else) for my story “Honey and Lavender”!

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L M
06:54 Oct 25, 2020

Thank you so much! I am glad you enjoyed reading it. I would be happy to read your story!

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Princemark Okibe
09:34 Oct 21, 2020

I like your writing, it is fast paced and engaging as well. The ending was powerful and there wasn't a dull moment in the story. I have a suggestion [He twiddled his thumbs in the front seat, and tried to look out the window.] You can make this statement flow better by replacing 'to look' with 'looking'. [He twiddled his thumbs in the front seat, and tried looking out the window.]

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L M
19:47 Oct 21, 2020

I am glad you enjoyed it! Thank you for the suggestion. I made the correction.

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Princemark Okibe
19:56 Oct 21, 2020

You are welcome.

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Aveena Bordeaux
02:01 Oct 20, 2020

Woah, I walked into this expecting the classic hitchhiker story and I was proved wrong. The twist of them being saved instead of slaughtered like usual was really good! Also the way you wrote him in casual clothing instead of something more extreme stood out, too. I didn't catch any errors. You did great!

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L M
02:54 Oct 20, 2020

Thank you so much!

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