24 comments

Adventure Funny Contemporary

It started out harmlessly enough. When I found myself with an abundance of leftover black sesame seeds from a failed baking experiment, I figured why not share, and tossed them out onto the back deck.


I chanced to walk by later that day and was delightfully surprised at the trio of delicate feathered creatures assembled there enjoying their meager repast, each seemingly with its own personality. 


I watched for a time as they and others came and went. I was hooked! When the seeds ran out, so did my entertainment. Woe!


How to get them back? At $1/oz, a similarly devout offering was out of the question, so that evening I traipsed down to the local supermarket and found some all-purpose wildlife seeds with plenty of variety. 


I got the biggest bag. Not knowing what I was doing, I figured it would bring a variety of birds.


Oh, it did. And families of possums… and skunks… and racoons. In my naivete (I now know), I had thrown the seed medley by the handful on the ground, so that by the time the birds got around to visiting the next morning, the food was mostly gone.


With plenty of seed remaining in the big bag, I got to thinking that maybe the shell-on sunflower seeds were the problem. Small game probably weren't interested the tiny round seeds, so I reasoned that they were likely coming for the slightly-larger sunflower treats. I decided to simply filter those out of the mix, which took a half a day BY HAND after I discovered that the holes in my colander weren’t equal to the task.


I threw all of the sunflower seeds out into the yard that very night and let the nocturnals have at it! The whole pile was gone by morning, and I was ready to start fresh.


Into the yard with handfuls of "bird-only" seeds I went, flinging them like a candy elf at Christmas. It was Saturday, and I was determined to have a good flocking time. By the time the backyard looked like a tickertape parade and I was settled indoors with a cup of tea to enjoy the show, the birds were just beginning to land. Ahh, bliss…


I hadn’t counted on the cats.


My visage - formerly beaming contentedly at the idyllic scene - turned into a facsimile of “The Scream” as three cats suddenly bulldozed their way through my group of new friends. Tweets turned into shrieks of horror and I sat frozen, having personally served up the smörgåsbord, wondering just HOW people ever managed this particular joy. I knew people watched birds, had birds, enjoyed lawn birds… how in God’s name did they keep from sacrificing them to demon felines from hell?


Shakily, I placed my cup down on the console table and slowly backed down the hallway to my bedroom, averting my eyes from the carnage, then proceeded to hide under the covers for the rest of the afternoon in shame and revulsion. I had blood on my hands now. I feared they would never come back… either that, or I was due for a scene out of Hitchcock’s “The Birds” the next time I left the house. Well due, at that.


What to do, what to do. I still wanted birds, wanted to befriend and possibly eventually cavort à la Disney princess style with them. Dare I say, I might even like to have a crow bring me shinies one day, but that was a far-off pipe dream. How to regain the magic without wholesale slaughter?


Bear in mind, I was very new at this. I live in a semi-rural neighborhood (what gave it away?) that isn’t like suburbia, where people must entice creatures with heated plastic lodgings and fancy food bowls. Thus, it hadn’t occurred to me yet to go that route. I soldiered on.


If people enjoyed birds regularly, I reasoned they must not have cats around. Several hundred dollars worth of anti-cat measures, traps, sprays, etc. later -- I will spare you the details, as that is for another story -- I had finally amused Frank enough for him to deign to help. 


Frank is my next door neighbor. You have to understand that, out here, “next door” isn’t proximate like you get in the city and ‘burbs, but he is close enough that he was getting more enjoyment out of my missteps than I will probably ever get out of the birds. He meandered by one day and, after the normal greetings about the weather, he inquired about the recent live-trap activity around my homestead. Yes, I admitted, I had been trying to relocate some cats. 


“In the country? You might as well try to nail Jell-o to a wall. Why you tryin’ to get rid of them?”


“Birds, Frank. I want birds in my yard.”


“Well you have birds in your yard. Everyone does.”


“Yes but I want more of them. And I want them to live.”


“Ahh.” A pause. “You ever thought of gettin’ a feeder?”


Stunned silence.


“Like seed?”


“Naw, like the thing you put the seed in. You get them at the feed store down yonder.” (That meant in town.)


“Oh. No, I didn’t know. I will have to check that out. Thanks, Frank!”


I couldn’t wait, and so the moment he shambled off, I was in the car on my mission. Sure enough, they had them. What I hadn’t counted on were different sizes, so I bought several, just to make sure that I wouldn’t be thwarted, this time. I bought tree-hanging ones, ones you hang on a fence, several that you stake with a pole in the ground so that you can sprinkle them around the yard... it was going to be awesome!


Fortunately, the seed fit in all of them! I was beside myself, and filled up every single one of them. My yard looked like a junkyard aviary, and I couldn’t have been more proud.


~~~


These days, I have a new obsession. Washing and waxing my car. These feathered freaks still remember months ago when it was a 24/7 buffet here, and now they won’t go away. I have to wash the car probably three times per week. I have power-scrubbers, Turtle Wax, special headlight polish, tarps, a carport that is utterly useless, stock in the parent company of Windex... it is a nightmare.


I’m thinking of adopting some cats.


November 28, 2022 00:31

You must sign up or log in to submit a comment.

24 comments

Graham Kinross
02:52 Dec 01, 2022

This reminds me of an amazing YouTube video of an engineer who wanted to feed birds in his garden and squirrels kept stealing them so he built the squirrels an obstacle course. His name is Mark Rober and if you ever have 20 minutes to watch it I recommend it.

Reply

Wendy Kaminski
02:54 Dec 01, 2022

I have! The glitter bomb guy! I love that guy. :) We were just today watching that squirrel video again, haha. Great stuff!

Reply

Graham Kinross
02:56 Dec 01, 2022

Have you seen his Squirrel Olympics? I love that one. The package their glitter thing was his first video I saw. I like that he wasn’t too harsh, maybe a little soft considering how brazen some people were.

Reply

Wendy Kaminski
02:57 Dec 01, 2022

If you mean the one you mentioned first, yes - if you are talking about a different one, sounds like I better go You Tubin'! :)

Reply

Graham Kinross
02:59 Dec 01, 2022

There have been three animal squirrel videos from his channel. All worth my time I’d say.

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Helen A Smith
15:40 Nov 29, 2022

Skunks, possums and raccoons all sound appealing, but they clearly aren’t! You can’t win! Who would have thought our feathered friends would cause such chaos? Enjoyable story with a good ending! You’ll be ok unless the cats decide to have kittens. They are adorable, but they just keep on coming. And coming. I speak from experience 🐈‍⬛ 🐈‍⬛🐈‍⬛ 🐈‍⬛🐈‍⬛

Reply

Wendy Kaminski
15:49 Nov 29, 2022

haha! :) Thank you, Helen, for the laugh and for taking the time to read and comment! :)

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
00:04 Nov 29, 2022

Laughing. Your next hobby could involve a shotgun pellets. An excellent attempt at bird watching.

Reply

Wendy Kaminski
00:20 Nov 29, 2022

Thank you, Lester! Glad you enjoyed it. :)

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
03:52 Nov 28, 2022

This story is very quaint and laugh out loud funny. Well done, Wendy. Mackenzie

Reply

Wendy Kaminski
03:53 Nov 28, 2022

Thank you, Mackenzie!! You made my day. :)

Reply

04:27 Nov 28, 2022

Thank you for sharing the story. You're very welcome.

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
11:27 Dec 19, 2022

So Funny, Wendy. Loved this account. We feed the birds by throwing food on our garage roof up and way from cats. And I know birds like cars and can't wait to put deposits on them. They also like to deposit on the washing we put out. But watching birds is still a lovely relaxing pastime. The lengths you went to are hilarious. Great read.

Reply

Wendy Kaminski
13:45 Dec 19, 2022

Thank you so much for reading and leaving such a positive comment, Kaitlyn! :)

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
22:35 Dec 08, 2022

I love your ending, and I love the vivid description of trying to create your own sanctuary without anticipating the reality of nature at its best and worst. I live in a place where bird feeders attract birds, but eventually give way to little more than squirrels. I like watching birds in brief spurts, but I loathe the frantic, maniacal, egotistical, desperate aggression of squirrels. I found myself wanting to be in your yard, watching it all unfold.

Reply

Wendy Kaminski
23:08 Dec 08, 2022

Thank you so much, Kathryn! :)

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Mary Lehnert
17:38 Dec 06, 2022

What a treat to read . I’ve been there. Squirrels were so crafty chewed the plastic top off the tree hanging feeder. Imagine the sight of a squirrel’s body elongated. nose down only little feet sticking out . The fix, smearing cooking oil on the tree trunk. Thanks for a hilarious trip down memory lane. Wendy

Reply

Wendy Kaminski
18:06 Dec 06, 2022

Cooking oil, I would not have guessed! I love watching wildlife, even the ones eating my birdseed. :) You paint a pretty cute picture of the squirrels, too! Thanks so much for the encouragement, Mary!

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
John Lindquist
21:11 Dec 05, 2022

I enjoyed this, thank you. I really liked the turnaround at the end.

Reply

Wendy Kaminski
21:17 Dec 05, 2022

Thank you for reading and for the comment!

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Wendy Kaminski
21:41 Jan 21, 2023

Artwork courtesy of Martin Ross: https://www.wattpad.com/1307485171-rural-route-12-the-complete-series-rural-route-12

Reply

Show 0 replies
Ken Cartisano
08:59 Aug 12, 2023

I'm going to tell you something Wendy. And I want you to keep this information in the strictest of confidences. Or a very small pocket. I was working on a lawnmower a couple of days ago. We have so much shit, that there was no place to work on it in the shade. (Chairs on the back porch, a million tools in the garage, a boat under the awning--besides, I couldn't move the damned thing anyway, until I fixed it.) So I'm rolling around on the concrete driveway, on my back, my knees, my arms are getting all bruised up. It's 98 degrees out, at one ...

Reply

Wendy Kaminski
20:29 Aug 12, 2023

That is a level of don't-give-a-flockery that I one day dream to achieve. :D

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Aoi Yamato
01:53 Jun 08, 2023

adopt a cat. good idea. cat cafe is fun.

Reply

Show 0 replies