My Big Fat Viral Wedding

Kerry angled the camera just right so she would catch the golden light playing off in her perfectly coiffed hair. Her dad had dropped a boatload of money on this wedding and she meant to make full use of it. She snapped a few photos with her phone.

“Instagram, baby,” she said to the empty room though her pursed duck lips.. 

Her dress was the perfect shade of ecru to add cottagecore ambiance to her selfie. Her hair had taken 5 solid hours to coif to achieve the artful messiness of the curls. The look was designed to be glamor-casual. She wanted her followers to think she just woke up and just happened to throw this $16,000 gown on at the last minute. Her brand was spontaneous perfection.

If she thought about it for half a second the idea was ridiculous, so she made sure she didn’t think. What mattered is how many followers this wedding would get her. She blew a kiss to the camera, eyes half closed, channeling Monroe and snapped another shot. 

Suddenly, there was an irritated pounding on the door.

“Kerry, now!” Her mother sounded even more like a biatch than usual. 

Kerry ignored her and snapped another photo. This one was perfect. The sun had reached the perfect angle and the shadowing under the trees framed her face. The rough pine contrasted with all the gold and white making her pop. She really didn’t even need a filter for this one. Still, she opened the filters. Perfect can always get better.

Her mother banged again. “Kerry, all your guests are waiting. You are ruining the most important day of your life. Your father and I have spent a small fortune to make this day perfect and you are destroying it.”

“Be right there…” Kerry muttered. “I’m just posting a wedding preview pic to my followers.”

From the other side of the door her mother gave an exasperated sigh. “I will not tolerate this. I have a key and I am not afraid to breach your privacy.”

Sure enough, Kerry heard a key in the lock. Fine, no filter. She typed.

Don’t B h8ters, Fam. It’s finally my #wedding day. #howgooddoilook?

The door swung open to reveal her mother glaring at her. “Phone down. Wedding now.”

Kerry barely had enough time to hit post before her mother snatched her phone and slammed it down on the make up table. She ushered her beautiful daughter out the door.

Kerry allowed herself to be rushed down stairs. She imagined the notification to all her followers popping up in their feed as they hurried. Some of them were here in the flesh to see her in person like actual friends. The group selfies would be epic.

Her mother pushed her up to the entrance to the chapel and signaled to the organist to begin the march. Through the arched door, framed in velvet curtains, Kerry could see several of her friends checking their phones. She stood up straighter as the music began to play. It was go time. Her public awaited. This was sponsorship worthy content.

Just inside the door her father graciously held out his arm for her. She took it as she stepped into the room. Off to her left she heard the whispered exclamations begin, but the expected “OMG” didn’t sound as awestruck as Kerry expected. Kerry glanced to her left without turning her head. She was at a perfect angle for both sides of the room to catch her profile.

A group of her friends were looking at their phones with shocked faces. She risked a frustrated eyeroll. They’d gotten distracted by something stupid… probably a new Tide Pod challenge. As she walked by she caught a glimpse of a phone screen. It certainly looked like her selfie.

“Oh my gawd, it’s hideous!” whisper-giggled Francine, loud enough to turn a few heads. “I’m sorry you all, I am legitimately freaking out. I have to leave.” She slid out of the aisle, followed by Amy and Zoë. 

“What?” mouthed Chloë turning toward the commotion from two rows up. 

“Check your phone,” Francine mouthed back. She held up her screen as she passed, which very clearly showed Kerry’s latest selfie. 

Kerry forgot to keep her head evenly shared between the two halves of the chapel and stopped dead in her tracks. Her dad pulled her forward, causing her to catch the front hem of her dress under her shoe.

“Leave it, Buttercup,” her father said through his tense smile. “Let’s just get to the altar, okay?”

Her father was right. Francine was just making a drama because she was jealous. #totalh8tr #biatchmuch Kerry straightened out her profile for equal distribution and walked calmly on. Then Chloë opened her Instagram. 

She looked straight at Kerry, eyes horrified, mouth open. “OMG.” she whispered. “Are you okay? That’s terrifying!” Kerry stopped dead in her tracks again and pulled her arm free from her father’s grip. Chloë dramatically turned her phone toward Kerry, but all Kerry could see from across the chapel was her own face looking beautiful. Her skin was literally glowing in the setting sun, framed in shadow. It was obviously a good snap.

“What?” she mouthed back as her father caught her arm again. He started marching a little faster toward the altar where her Thomas was waiting. His eyes were flitting from her to the guests and then back to Kerry again. His smile was looking strained. In the pews, the whispering had increased. 

“Oh Lord!” exclaimed Aunt Margaret. Slightly deaf, she was always inappropriately too loud. She was looking at a cellphone held up by one of the younger cousins. Aunt Zelda, a matriarch of the family, shushed her. Thomas just looked worried now, the smile having slid completely off his face. One hand went to his pocket where he fidgeted with his phone. 

Kerry had finally reached the altar and was deposited with Thomas as her dad stepped to one side. He too put his hand in his pocket, fidgeting with his phone. The preacher seemed oblivious to the subtle commotion. From the lobby, Kerry heard Francine laughing. There would be some hot hell to pay for this betrayal.

The preacher started up his spiel, but all Kerry could hear were notification chimes and whispered exclamations. She wasn’t paying attention to his words at all, but she’d gone through the rehearsals enough times she could get married in her sleep. Thomas was supposed to be looking adoringly at her, as they’d practiced, but instead he was looking off into the chapel looking worried.

“Does anyone here have any reason these two lovely youths should not be wed today? If so, speak up now or forever hold your peace.” The preacher waited three beats, and then inhaled to finish when Thomas spoke up, looking at Kerry.

“Yes, sorry. This doesn’t change my feelings about you, but I have to find out what’s up with your socials before I agree to this.”

Kerry forgot to be perpetually poised and let her mouth drop in shock. “What the flying freak Thomas…” But Thomas had already slid his phone out and popped the notification to take a peek. 

He took a single look at Kerry’s selfie and his eyes bugged out of his head. “Oh my god, that’s hideous! Are you okay?”

Kerry was furious. “Am I being punked?” she shrieked. She turned to the wedding guests. “Is this some kind of joke to you people?” She stormed back down the altar steps, smashing over a vase of white roses on the way. “This wedding is canceled!” With that, Kerry ran out of the chapel and back up to the dressing room where she ripped her dress off, busting seams and scattering pearls across the borrowed dressing room.

Outside she could see all the floodlights on the chapel grounds lighting up, and groups of fathers and uncles shining lights into the trees, calling.

“I hate everyone!” she screamed out the window.. 

She spied her phone, still sitting on the table where her mother had dropped it. “I’m deleting this stupid selfie,” she yelled. “None of you deserve it!” She swiped her Instagram open and held the three dots in the corner when she finally got a good look at her own selfie. 

There she was, pale skin glowing in the setting sun as the trees cast dark shadows to perfectly frame her… except those weren’t trees. The innocent image began to rearrange itself as her brain struggled to decipher what she was actually seeing. 

There, looking over her shoulder through the open window, was what appeared to be a hairless green man. Long, oval silver eyes reflected the sunset creating the ethereal glow on her skin. He was staring in Kerry’s window from behind her, grinning at the camera. If he had reached out, he could have touched her.

Kerry screamed again, but this time with delight. She was finally going to go viral.