The Devil You Know

“Oh fow-el spirit, get out!”

“It’s foul, not fow-el.”

“What’s the difference?”

“One is a pheasant or other type of bird.”

“What kind of bird?”

“I don’t know! Just get the wording right and get on with this exorcism, and can you please use terminology that’s not out of a Benny Hinn script?”

“The English comic?”

“You’re thinking of Benny Hill and not the Evangelist with the wavy white hair that starts in one direction, then goes in another, like it suddenly changed its mind halfway through.”

“Who?”

“Always wears a white suit. Thinks he’s the new Jesus?”

“Oh, yes. The religious carpetbagger.”

“One of many.”

“Right! Lost my train of thought. Where were we?”

“You have done this before, yes…? Hello…? That blank look on your face reveals all. Shouldn’t you have a Father Damien-type priest with you to oversee things?”

“Everyone’s out on call. You’re not the only possessed person in town.”

“So, what’s the plan?”

“Normally, when a demon takes control of an individual, we Exorcists get called to expel it back to the underworld, but that’s easier said than done, and it’s been made more difficult tonight, because we’ve been inundated with demonised 911-X calls flooding Exorcism Central.”

“Exorcism Central?”

“The hotline to the Vatican reception desk. They relay alerts to the Pope’s Council of Cardinals – who decide on the severity of the possession, then arrange either a courtesy call or a home visit by someone from the nearest archdiocese to the possessed. It’s kind of a proactive approach to fighting demonic bedevilment. Combatting it swiftly is an advantage to quick dispossessions. Get ‘em before they build up a head of steam – no pun intended.”

“Joke what you will, but the steamers are the worst. Heat is one thing, but add humidity to that? Not pleasant.”

“Some may think that the church is only open for business on Sunday, but the Devil never takes a holiday, so organisation is the key to success. Now, where is your demon?”

“You’re talking to them.”

“I am? Oh, my goodness!”

“The person – that is, the host you see in front of you, is kind of in a holding pattern – somewhere between this world and the other one.”

“Okay. I need a little more info than that. Let’s start with your name.”

“I have many, Belphegor, Beelzebub, Lucifer, Satan, blah blah blah. Call me what you will.”

“Oh, you’re the…”

“Well, I’m not the devil you don’t know. I didn’t want to alarm you too early.”

“Erm, hello, this is Exorcism Central, how may I direct your call? A demon, you say…! I think the alarm bells already chimed Red Alert on that one, don’t you?”

“I’ll get straight to the point. This is no ordinary possession. If I am still inside this mortal, then you can pretty much guarantee something is most definitely wrong.”

“What could be more wrong than the head of Hades possessing this child of God?”

“Normally, when we organise levitation parties, the demons pull all the strings. However, this one needed special supervisory attention - like calling the restaurant manager to sort out a fly in the soup of the day. Little did I know it was a Venus fly. She’s trapped me in here, and let me tell you, it is very unpleasant – even for me.”

“How is that at all possible? Don’t you have superpowers or something?”

“You don’t believe me?”

“I don’t know what to believe. You seem so…”

“Normal?”

“Approachable.”

“My door is always open.”

“I am not easily swayed like some, erm… Beelzebob.”

“Lucifer, I prefer Lucifer. It rolls off the forked tongue so much easier, don’t you think?”

“Lucifer.”

“Make it, Luce for short.”

“Lucifer will suffice.”

“Okay, it’s your show. Do it your way, Father Anthony Murphy.”

“You know my name?”

“Oh, yes. I also know that you keep a secret mini wine cellar in your bedroom, as well – and it’s not for the sacrament. Now, who in hell could have possessed you to do that?”

“Wait, am I being pranked, here? Where’s the hidden camera? Father Ignacio, are you up to your old tricks on my first solo outing?”

“There are no cameras, Anthony. May I call you Tone? I will, anyway. No, there are no hidden cameras, Tone. It’s just you, me, and this levitating body above the bed.”

“Whoa! What should I do?”

“You’re asking me? Ha! That’s very rich. Wait until I tell my congregation after I return home. They’ll laugh at the virgin Exorcist until they’re redder in the face.”

“I command you, Lucifer, to lay her back down!”

“Holy water, Tony. You forgot to splash the holy water on her. Ooh, yes, that’s it. I’m now supposed to scream, IT BURNS! IT BURNS…! It doesn’t really. It’s just water for Christ’s sake – and don’t get me started on him. Faking his death and pretending to resurrect himself, so he could disappear into eternity. He’d had enough, you know. Couldn’t handle the adulation, so made a deal with the Romans to extradite himself from public view. All that cross carrying - Hollow wood - light as a feather, and that crown of thorns? Squashed berries and straw wrapped around his head. I’ll give him this, though. He put on a marvellous performance. Do you know that the word, resurrect, was created in the thirteenth century? That’s a whole millennium and a half after he’d disappeared. Do you know what they called his disappearance up until then?”

“No, what?”

“Suspicious! The shroud was a nice touch. I tried to replicate it myself, but my horns kept piercing the cloth, so I gave it to a founding member of the Ku Klux Klan to use as a hood. Bloody scary looking, he was. The white uniform came later. But without me tooting my own horns, I started a fashion label there.

“Try as you will, oh Dark Lord. You cannot alter my faith, teachings, and belief.”

“Tone, this is not about you. This is about the young woman you see before you, holding on to my tail and not letting go. Maybe, if I rotate her head, she’ll release me.”

“Stop that!”

“You’re right. Unnecessary. There! Good as new. How about if I force her to projectile vomit me out?”

“No!”

“Make her speak in tongues until she says my name?”

“No!”

“Doesn’t matter. I can’t stand the smell of puke, anyway; and her own tongue is as sharp as broken glass. Delightful only to a screaming Banshee’s ear.”

“Why did you call us, Lucifer?”

“Funny thing is – and this will tickle your pickle. I want to make a deal.”

“What sort of deal?”

“An arrangement of sorts that your Almighty will surely be interested in.”

“You only make deals for your own benefit. Why should I trust you?”

“Generally, yes. But this woman – currently stuck to the ceiling - will one day pass on from the reality you mortals call life. Now, normally, I take anyone regardless of colour, gender, non-gender, able-bodied, unable-bodied, or sins, etc, etc. However, this one here is a troublemaker. I let her in, and she’ll soon stir that big melting pot we keep on boil. No doubt, she’ll want to organise things and will attempt to create a democracy in my totalitarian domain. Then, she’ll probably call an election and have me voted out, and what’s an out-of-work ex-Lord of Hades going to do then? Change his ways? Retire to Hell’s Senior Shores? No, I need to protect my position as the first and eternal tempter of man… and woman… and binary, they, them – all that nonsense that your kind muddles life with.”

“God will welcome her with open arms to the kingdom of heaven. He is all forgiving, all loving…”

“And all unknowing. When he meets this one, he’s going to regret his open-door policy. She might be a union organiser down in my world, but up in your God’s palace, she’ll be wanting him to change things for the good - down here on Earth. She’ll be like a flea in his ear. Banishing war, ending hunger, socialising medicine and society. Making everyone equal.”

“But everyone is equal in the eyes of the Lord.”

“I’ll let that one slip, Tone. You’re still an apprentice when it comes to life and life’s cruelties. Maybe, if I make her crawl across the ceiling like a spider, she’ll spin me out in silk threads…”

“I want to hear why this deal is so important for both parties.”

“Well, I take her, she ousts me, and the world loses temptation and becomes boring. Your man or woman upstairs – or binary whatever takes her, and Evil reigns in a one-team league. Again, boring. No more sins to forgive, no devil on the shoulder. Heaven becomes a ghost town; Hell becomes a playground for the idle rich. People will be left without guidance and more importantly, without fear. Once again… boring!”

“So, what you’re suggesting is that she gets no destination on her afterlife’s journey?”

“Destination, yes. But with a lengthy layover on the way.”

“You mean, purgatory?”

“Yep. The in-between jobs place.”

“For how long?”

“Eternity, of course.”

“Purgatory is a place for sinners to repent before going to heaven. Is she a sinner?”

“Are you prone to schoolboy errors? Everyone’s a sinner!”  

“But what if she does decide to ask forgiveness?”

“Yeah, well that’s where the deal comes in. We change the rules to keep her in limbo – so to speak.”

“But God is all caring. He won’t let her rot for eternity.”

“Did you actually graduate from the Seminary, or did you just bend over for the bishop’s finger to get your degree? If your God cares so much, why are there so many injustices in your world?”

“That’s on you and your manifested temptations.”

“…Fair enough. I’ll give you that. But have you not realised yet that without me, there is no need for God. If there is no temptation, no sin, no opportunity for penance and contrition, God is out of a job. Then, what would all you armchair disciples do for fun?”

“There will always be a need for God and his accomplishments.”

“He’s already overachieved, Tone. I mean, seven days and poof, the Earth appears. Follow that with a nice garden and two humans to populate the planet, means God peeked a bit too early, don’t you think? What has he managed to do since then, except punish those that step out of the apostolic line?”

“Look, all I know is that I’m here for an exorcism and not for a debate with the Devil. Let her go and I will save her.”

“Oh, Tone, it is she that holds me. Release me and all will become apparent.”

“…Almighty Lord, Word of God the Father, Jesus Christ, God and Lord of all creation.”

“That’s it, Tone.”

“Who gave to your holy apostles the power to tramp underfoot serpents and scorpions, who along with the other mandates to work miracles was pleased to grant them the authority to say: "Depart, you devils!" and by whose might Satan was made to fall from heaven like lightning.”

“I jumped, you misinformed idiot!”

“I humbly call on your holy name in fear and trembling, asking that you grant me, your unworthy servant, pardon for all my sins, steadfast faith, and the power - supported by your mighty arm - to confront with confidence and resolution this cruel demon.”

“Keep going! She’s definitely not liking this. I think she’s a… Protestant!”

 “I cast you out, unclean spirit, along with every Satanic power of the enemy, every spectre from hell, and all your fell companions; in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. Begone and stay far from this creature of God. For it is He who commands you, He who flung you headlong from the heights of heaven into the depths of hell. See the cross of the Lord. Feel his blessed holy water upon your person and begone, you hostile powers!”

“IT BURNS, IT BURNS, TONY!”

“Does it?”

“No, you idiot. It’s just water! Wait! You’ve done it! She’s releasing her grip. I’m baa-aack! Well done, Tone! How do I look?”

“You look like Elvis but red.”

“Uh huh! How do you like the cloak?”

“In all truthfulness?”

“Uh huh, yes, Tone.”

“It looked better on Elvis.”

“I asked for that one.”

“Who the fuck are yees two?”

“Oh, I’m Father Murphy, Isabella. You were possessed for a while by Lucifer himself.”

“And who’s the wee man with the shite Elvis wig?”

“Tis Himself – who through the kindness of his cruel heart, released you to one of God’s henchmen.”

“Ye never had me, you big beetroot. If I recall, it was me who had you tightly gripped in my hands.”

“Isabella. You are under God’s protection, now.”

“Protection? From you two sassenach pooftas? You both look like a big gust of wind would blow you doon like a Jenga game made of balsawood.”

“You didn’t mention she was Scottish.”

“Yes, I might have left that part out while trying to escape… I assure you, Madam.”

“Madam, ye say? Do I look like the owner of a fuckin’ bordello? I’ll have you know I’m descended from the finest of Scottish clan kings.”

“Isabella. That’s a Spanish name, isn’t it?”

“My Great, Great, Great, Grandpappy travelled a lot.”

“Isn’t she everything I warned you about?”

“Have-yoo bin spendin’ too much time in the sun, mon? Och, not even all the aloe vera in the world will cure that burn. Wee bit of a horny bugger, aren’t ye.”

“You see why I won’t claim her?”

“An you, ye wee slip of a thing. Where’s yer wee master?”

“I’m sorry, my master?”

“Left ye off the leash again, did he?”

“I think she’s referring to that stupid dog collar around your neck, Tone.”

“Buggered any choirboys lately, ya wee pervert?”

“Oh, my Lord. She’s ah…”

“A handful, yes.”

“So which one of ye wastes of space wants to buy a lady a drink?”

“We’re not here for that, Isabella. I am here on the behest of the Vatican.”

“And I, dear child of clans, am simply heading home.”

“Och, you two are like a couple of chorus girls. All flesh and no idea between your ears. You think I don’t know what’s goin’ on here, do yees? I’ve seen what happens to poor wee girls drunk, defenseless, then debauchered while comatose.”

“Is that a thing?”

“She’s from Motherwell, Tone.”

“Say no more…”

“Och, look at yees two. Sweethearts are ye?”

“What!? No! Preposterous thought, Isabella.”

“Bummin’ alter boys, then?”

“Lucifer, keep her company, please. I need to phone Father Damien.”

“So, there is a Father Damien, after all!”

“He’s not the one you think. Just keep her company for a minute. I need to report this to Central.”

“Och, come here, you little ruby man and warm me up with yer glowing skin. Ye want to play hide yer tail again?”

“Tone…? Anthony. Please hurry.”

“Hello? Yes, this is Father Anthony Murphy… What? Erm, exorcism 9192, Isabella McTavish… Yes, a success; however, with anomalies… She’s had a personal visit from Lucifer… Yes, himself… Yes, he’s out of her, now… No, she’s not okay… Well, let me explain. This will need the highest of clearances…”

“Was that you pressin’ your hot flesh against me on the ceiling, red man?”

“Under protest, yes.”

“If I had known that was going to happen, I’d have installed mirrors up there. Did ye like being inside me. You know… possessing me?”

“Not entirely.”

“No, I sensed that when your stomach started churning. It was a bit of a tickle, wasn’t it.”

“Tickle?”

“Me scratching your brain, seeing your world an’ all its warmth and wickedness. I’ve half a mind to head your way when all is done in this world. I think I could help you improve things doon there in the tools department, big man - if ye know what I mean.”

“Tony…! Hurry, please.”

“…Thank you, Monsignor. Yes, give him my regards… I’ll relay his message… Yes, okay. Bless you, too. Goodbye, bye, bye bye.”

“Och, eternity with you, wee man, would be like spending a never-ending holiday in Corfu, rubbing love oil onto each other’s skin. Though, I’m not sure there’s a two-hundred-plus factor sunblock for your wrinkled old roasted organ.”

“Okay, I’ve talked with the monsignor, who passed on my report to the Vatican, who relayed their assessment to the holy father, who had a quick word with him upstairs.”

“Come on, Tone. Spit it out.”

“The consensus is that we leave her here for now and let her live her life unaccosted by any of your people. Agreed?”

“Vehemently.”

“Then, when it’s time for her to pass on…”

“Do yees two think I’m sexy? Take a wee look at these curvy legs.”

“…Purgatory.”

“Yes, Tony, yes! For that, your wine stash secret is safe with me.”

“She will remain Limbotic while being assessed.”

“For how long?”

“…Until hell freezes over.”

“Excellent! I’ll keep the fires burning steady…”

“Ye twos fancy a mange-ah-twa?”

“Does she sound drunk to you?”

“She’s Scottish, Tone. That’s how they all sound.”

“Not sure I can claim expenses on this one. This was an exorcism not covered in the manual.”

“Just tell a little red lie, Tone. Claim it as a learning curve.”

“Still trying to tempt me?”

“Well, a devil can try, yes? However, should you see yourself needing a change of climate, Tone. You know what to do to find me.”

“The choirboys?”

“Gets you a red-hot ticket South.”

“Oh, flower of Scotland,

When will we see your likes again…”

“Tone…?”

“She’s singing the Scottish National Anthem.”

“That fought and died for,

Yer wee bit hill and glen,

and stood against him - Against who?

Proud Edward’s army,

And sent him homeward,

Tay think again…”

“That’s my cue.”

“Right behind you, Luce…”

“See you in hell!”

“When the fat lady sings.”

“Look again, she is…”

“Shit…!”