I Need A Hero

Wanted: Attractive, Battle-Hardened Warrior Seeking New Challenge.

Calling all brave and handsome adventurers! Tired of slaughtering villagers, raiding camps, packing antique jewelry around the mountains, running for your life and fighting for Kings you don't believe in, all for minimal rewards? Doing all the work while your liege enjoys all the wealth? Do you find yourself, at various points throughout the day, staring into the reflection pool and thinking to yourself, "My chiseled jaw and jacked abs were forged for more than this"? If this sounds like you, then this may be the opportunity you've been waiting for.

I get it. Trust me. Performing life-threatening, and often dehumanizing tasks day after day for years, just so you can live modestly on a tiny plot of land? It's not exactly what you had in mind, right? Hey, I hear you. Maybe you're a sexy knight in a King's army. Or maybe you're a humble thatcher whose father taught him the sword long ago, and you've been itching for a chance to use those skills as you tend to the roofs of lonely housewives, wiping sweat from your brow. The kind of dirty sweat one associates with horses and man-musk. Whatever the case, one thing is certain. You often think, "Man, how cool would it be to make all the money I'll ever need just by doing one simple job?" And then you shake off that thought because of course, it sounds too good to be true, right? Well, I'm here to tell you...

It's not.

So what's the job? Don't worry, hot stuff. We'll get to that. I have plenty of exciting news about the offer that will make you bust down your door and come running to take me up on it. But first, I want to tell you about the rewards.

Gold. Lots of gold. Literally a mountain of it, specked with jewels of all colors, and unidentifiable treasures forgotten long ago. Every cup, flagon, ring, amulet, diadem, and jewel-encrusted curio is worth a veritable fortune. Sure, some of it is cursed. But with this kind of money, you can BUY love. You can BUY a new soul. You were probably going to get dysentery anyway. And you can be darn sure you'll never have to answer to any average-looking lord again. With this kind of money, you are literally God. The best part? It's all conveniently stored inside your new home. That's right. This job comes with complete land, air, and real estate ownership of the legendary Halls of Ashland! Ever heard of it? Sure, you have. Almost entirely uninhabited for six hundred years, these corridors have never looked better. A little elbow grease and this place will shine like the day it opened. Happy where you are? No problem! You're welcome to transport the entirety of the treasure to wherever you currently live. (Disclaimer: Any responding party to this listing is solely responsible for the transportation of goods retrieved from this location, and the responsibility of the creator of this advert for the safety and quality of said goods transfers irrevocably at the threshold. Transportation of goods in whole will take approx. three generations.)

I know your next question. If the rewards are so high, why hasn't some other rugged Adonis come and claimed them by now? It's a good question for sure. And one that deserves a good answer.

To fully understand this, first let me tell you a little about the history of the Halls of Ashland. The Halls had humble beginnings, starting in the Nameless Mountains as a small mining camp made up by an extremely diverse and socially progressive body of characters. Initially a humble copper mine, it soon became much more after the discovery of an enormous gold deposit. Dubbed "The Mountain of Gold", it was mined for hundreds of years. The Halls evolved as a city, literally creating its own wealth as it removed gold from the mountain and converted it all into trinkets and things. Everyone was happy all the time. No one fought and everyone made a good, honest living. There were no people living on the streets. No children going hungry. The Halls of Ashland, concealed by the mountains and their mighty stone doors, knew nothing but peace and prosperity for over three thousand years. But as time went on and their treasure piled up, room for the inhabitants grew scarce. Eventually, a decision was made that rather than move the enormous wealth of the city somewhere else, it should remain in the Halls, and the people would move down the mountain to establish a city in the valley. For the first time in a hundred generations, the Halls opened to the outside world, and a narcotic fragrance wafted out from within, attracting the attention of an unwelcome party.

Here's the thing about Dragons. They're fond of gold. No secret. In fact, they love it. The magic that is the source of all Dragon life, for some reason, resonates with gold. This creates an extremely intoxicating effect for the Dragon. The result? A powerful and often overwhelming addiction to gold. One smell of it, and a Dragon may completely forget where he or she is going, what they were doing, or where they've come from or why, and completely dedicate their lives from that moment forward to the hoarding and guarding of that gold.

And that's pretty much what happened. Along came a Dragon, flying over the Nameless Mountains on a completely unrelated errand, when she caught a whiff of the enormous wealth resting inside the Halls of Ashland. In her frenzy, the Dragon set the city ablaze, snuffing out thousands of years of utopian civilization in an afternoon. She blew the doors off the Halls, tucked herself inside, and never came out again. Six hundred years later...

This is where you come in, you good looking son of a blacksmith. The job? Kill the Dragon.

I know, I know. You're rolling your beautiful blue eyes, thinking, "Ah, there it is. The other shoe." But I implore you to hear me out. Sure, many have tried. And yes, each and every one of them met a pretty grim fate. And I guess it's technically true that the reason no one has tried for six hundred years is because this particular Dragon is incomparably fierce, and in one particular incident, flayed two hundred knights alive instead of roasting them instantly like usual, and then buried them under heaps of treasure where they were left to suffocate, allowing only a small band to return to their homes to testify to her cruelty. But that's the point exactly...

It's been six hundred years!

Want a free tip? Dragons get weaker with age! That's right. Especially when exposed to large amounts of gold. An unfortunate side effect if you're a Dragon, prolonged gold exposure is damaging to the organs, particularly the liver and pancreas. It's similar to the long-term health issues a human might suffer at the hands of alcoholism. And we're talking about six hundred years of constant, isolated exposure to the single largest hoard of gold this side of the Milky Way Galaxy. It's a no-brainer. This Dragon, whatever she used to be, exists now most likely as little more than a really really mean pit bull. With alcoholism. And she can probably still breathe fire. But nowhere close to the horrifying inferno it once was. The intensity is probably somewhere between one of those utility lighters and an M2A1-7 flamethrower. A reasonably gifted warrior or a small band of competent, well-armored sellswords should find this to be an easily accomplished task. (Official recommendation is that the respondent arrive with no fewer than three hundred able-bodied men.)

Job Requirements:

Must have four working limbs.

Twenty years of battle experience preferred. (Min. of five required.)

Must be able to provide weapons and armor for the position.

A willingness to relocate and cover travel expenses.

The ability to repeatedly lift at least fifty pounds over the head.

Knowledge of Dragons and magic are preferred but not necessary.

Must be able to work for long periods without stopping.

An ability to read and understand German.

Must be willing to work in extreme temperatures.

Must be able to work under extreme pressure.

"Man of my dreams" level of attractiveness. (Cannot stress this enough.)

Forget about the Dragon for a moment. The Dragon is a non-issue. A minor inconvenience at the most. Remember what's in it for you. Imagine your current life of squalor, rendered a fiction. Relegated to the past tense. Forever a thing of memory. And you, lord of all you survey. You could buy an army. You could buy twelve armies. Become a King of kings, and still have enough left over for the next three thousand years. Your gorgeous children, and theirs, and on and on for the next hundred eras of attractive human history will enjoy an unparalleled wealth. And if you choose to stay here, you will return the Halls of Ashland to their former glory. Books written, songs sung. You get the idea. Destiny lies ahead of you. It's calling your name, and beckoning you with golden fingers. The only thing that stands in your way, is one teeny tiny, itsy bitsy little Dragon.

So what's it gonna be, champ? Are you ready to give up your life of servitude, sacrifice, and inescapable mediocrity for glory and eternal manliness? Or will you cower away in the face of a pitiful little lizard, a shell of her former, enormously violent self?

I think we both know you're already lacing up your boots. Good for you! Directions to the Nameless Mountains and the Halls of Ashland can be found on the attached page. All potential rewards promised herein will be surrendered on a first come, first serve basis. Any respondent need only arrive at the designated location and complete the task to claim the prize. (Listing party is not responsible for any conflicts which may arise between multiple respondents.)

The past is the past. Come claim your future. Live like a King. This is definitely not a trick. I can testify with total transparency to every claim made in this listing being entirely accurate to the best of my knowledge. I especially didn't make up any of the stuff about Dragons getting weaker over time or because of gold exposure. Dragons definitely aren't immortal and unchanging. And they certainly don't build a tolerance to getting gold high and become bored after six hundred years of not murdering people.

Can't wait to meet you! See you on the other side, winner!

-Belinda, The Immovable